BorealJ Show full post »
I think that it is because of the reasons mentioned in these last posts as to why I have not confided in any one of my/our family/friends regarding my WH's affair.
Pre Dday, I was like Arizons, I would laugh while saying if 'that' happened I would "kick them to the  curb."  I'm not laughing now and like Arizons, we are fighting for our marriage. I dropped out of a book club that I was in because when we discussing a  book that had an infidelity scenario running throughout, the collective discussion was, "Women who would stay in that situation have no spine, no pride, and no self worth."  When I left that night I knew that I could never tell a friend. I couldn't stand the judgement for my decision and like GuyInPain it would color their view of my WH. I want to move forward with our marriage, I can't have second guessers, I do that enough on my own. I need forward momentum.

BW, dday 9/2017
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I'd say that there is just always someone waiting to judge - it's pervasive.  We all have been guilty of it.  But going through something like this changes you.  You either become hard and bitter - where everything is judged more harshly.  

Or you become kinder, gentler, more compassionate.  You see people's flaws and fears and your heart aches - for them and the people who love them who are likely suffering along with them.  

At least that is how I've experienced it.  I think I actually see people far more clearly than I ever have - but with more compassion for all the "stuff" they are trying to hide from themselves and everyone else - than I did before. 

I am not particularly religious, but very spiritually minded and I found myself thinking often about when Jesus says, "Father, Forgive them for they know not what they do."  

I think it is what we are all trying to do with our spouses.  While they obviously intellectually understood the choices they were making and possible consequences... it is clear that in most cases, they didn't understand that on an emotional level.  They did not understand what it would cost them or us and so we try to forgive - to extend compassion and understanding for their human frailty, their flaws.   

But, like Jesus - we expect them to grow and do better.  And since we AREN'T Jesus, we don't have to stick around if they choose to stay stuck in the old ways  - we just give them back to God and let him work his magic.  And for that matter, we may even be his tool for teaching by being unwilling to enable them.  

Not exactly on point, just some ramblings as I read the posts today.
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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That was perfectly said, Thrive. 

I am trying to be the kind of person that god wanted me to be. Someone who can extend grace and forgiveness despite the extraordinary pain and damage my WS has caused me. But I am certainly not Jesus- I cannot, and will not stand to be hurt and hurt again by the same person. I will remove myself before letting that happen again. While I can forgive, I will not become a means which enables ongoing bad and hurtful behaviours like cheating and lying. 
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It’s not only the male BS that feels this way. I’m AA/NA and our community believes in giving the WS/AP a good and public beatdown IF you stay. I didn’t. Partly because he lied and used another “friend” to throw me off and when I found out who she was and where she lived (she’d quit her job when he dumped her without warning). 
I naturally don’t fight people, but the pain this woman cost me and my three kids all with autism mind you) made the inner MMA come outta me. So, there are women here too that feel like you do for staying. I’ve got male hormones when it comes to my Intimate relationships. I might be able to feel different some day with therapy and prayer.
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