I'd say that there is just always someone waiting to judge - it's pervasive. We all have been guilty of it. But going through something like this changes you. You either become hard and bitter - where everything is judged more harshly.
Or you become kinder, gentler, more compassionate. You see people's flaws and fears and your heart aches - for them and the people who love them who are likely suffering along with them. At least that is how I've experienced it. I think I actually see people far more clearly than I ever have - but with more compassion for all the "stuff" they are trying to hide from themselves and everyone else - than I did before. I am not particularly religious, but very spiritually minded and I found myself thinking often about when Jesus says, "Father, Forgive them for they know not what they do." I think it is what we are all trying to do with our spouses. While they obviously intellectually understood the choices they were making and possible consequences... it is clear that in most cases, they didn't understand that on an emotional level. They did not understand what it would cost them or us and so we try to forgive - to extend compassion and understanding for their human frailty, their flaws. But, like Jesus - we expect them to grow and do better. And since we AREN'T Jesus, we don't have to stick around if they choose to stay stuck in the old ways - we just give them back to God and let him work his magic. And for that matter, we may even be his tool for teaching by being unwilling to enable them. Not exactly on point, just some ramblings as I read the posts today.
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child DD May 2016 “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl