BlindCheetah Show full post »
BlindCheetah
@Phoenix 
What made you decide to tell him what you did?

Female BS
Married 19 years 
2 tween girls

DDay 10/2019 
Affair 1, 11/2010 to 2/2011
Affair 2, 6/2019 to 12/2019 - Persistent One is still trying to contact him. 

Quote 0 0
Phoenix
@Phoenix 
What made you decide to tell him what you did?

the truth is that I was planning on taking it to my grave. Through out the years I tried getting the courage to tell him but I always thought of what would happened if I did and it was never a good outcome so I would just keep quiet. Then so much time had passed that i felt it was too late. But He always suspected and during the time We were going through a very rough patch. We got into a big fight and he pretty much threatened me to tell him. 
Quote 0 0
BlindCheetah
@Phoenix
I see a lot of similarities with your story and my husband, with the biggest difference being you didn’t do it twice. He blurted out the first when I was questioning him about suspicions of the second. I think he only told me because he assumed I was about to leave anyway.  Every day I wish he’d come home after the drunken walk in the woods and told me what he did before it escalated. 20 years is a long time to hold something like that in, so is 9. I know I’m taking a risk giving him another chance but I can’t imagine staying if I had no hope of being able to forgive.  

Female BS
Married 19 years 
2 tween girls

DDay 10/2019 
Affair 1, 11/2010 to 2/2011
Affair 2, 6/2019 to 12/2019 - Persistent One is still trying to contact him. 

Quote 0 0
Phoenix
@Phoenix
I see a lot of similarities with your story and my husband, with the biggest difference being you didn’t do it twice. He blurted out the first when I was questioning him about suspicions of the second. I think he only told me because he assumed I was about to leave anyway.  Every day I wish he’d come home after the drunken walk in the woods and told me what he did before it escalated. 20 years is a long time to hold something like that in, so is 9. I know I’m taking a risk giving him another chance but I can’t imagine staying if I had no hope of being able to forgive.  

Yes, 20 years is a very long time. It has been exactly 30 months since Dday and it just started feeling not so suffocating. I am not sure why he didn't leave. He has given me a few different reasons. The kids, he wants revenge, cheaper to keep her, loves me just not the same anymore, and others. No outcome is ever the same. I am working hard to have the best outcome possible, but like Thrive always says I can not will my BS to love me or forgive me. Look at your BS with an open heart even if he doesn't know it. Is he really putting in the 100%? Are you? (Like Thrive says, 100% on you and your healing not on him.) My BS just recently told me he wants me to fight for him, blood, sweat and tears. Is that what you want to? If you do tell him, and tell him what that looks like. It's also about consistency and longevity. My BS feels at times that my behavior now will end at any time, I have to assure him and show him that will never happen. I am glad that you know you won't stay if you can not forgive, be honest with yourself, Do you think you will ever forgive him and yourself for forgiving him? 
Quote 0 0
BlindCheetah
I feel like there is still a lot I don’t know about his first affair, I know they have stayed in contact and today I found out there is a possibility he may have seen her as recently as 2 weeks ago. I haven’t talked to him about it yet. We start counseling Monday, I’m not really happy about who we are seeing but I need to talk to someone now. 

Female BS
Married 19 years 
2 tween girls

DDay 10/2019 
Affair 1, 11/2010 to 2/2011
Affair 2, 6/2019 to 12/2019 - Persistent One is still trying to contact him. 

Quote 0 0
grappling
Oh my! Was there no way he could have totally cut off all contact with the first affair, logistically or professionally? From what I hear, ceasing all contact with former affair partners is the first and necessary step in restoring trust and the marriage.

Also, there is a clear difference between forgiving and trusting. They are not the same. Forgiveness is a process we have to go through if we are to have peace with ourselves. We have to find the grace and humility to forgive so we can accept our own mistakes. Trust is much harder than forgiveness in my experience, although neither is easy or a short process. I've heard you can't have a relationship without trust. I don't know what that means. How much trust? No one is 100% trustworthy guaranteed. I still struggle with how to be relationally close with someone who is not as trustworthy as he should be. It comes down to how much distance is acceptable, bearable, to have in a marriage that you don't really want to publicly, legally, socially destroy. That's a huge struggle.
Quote 2 0
Phoenix
I feel like there is still a lot I don’t know about his first affair, I know they have stayed in contact and today I found out there is a possibility he may have seen her as recently as 2 weeks ago. I haven’t talked to him about it yet. We start counseling Monday, I’m not really happy about who we are seeing but I need to talk to someone now. 

One of the first rules to being able to reconcile is no contact. If he wants to reconcile with you and make you feel safe he needs to completely stop contact with her. 
I am glad to hear that you will start counseling soon, but it is very important that both of you are comfortable with the therapist. 
Quote 1 0
BlindCheetah
They worked together for a while but haven’t in a long time. He told me they had lunch about a year ago. Phone records show texts stopped abruptly in December right after I sent her a FB message. Emails are all 5+ years old. The counselor may be our only local choice, I will keep looking, we have 6 free sessions. 

Female BS
Married 19 years 
2 tween girls

DDay 10/2019 
Affair 1, 11/2010 to 2/2011
Affair 2, 6/2019 to 12/2019 - Persistent One is still trying to contact him. 

Quote 0 0
BlindCheetah

That conversation didn’t exactly go well, started fine, got bad, he came back later with a much better attitude. 

I think he was probably with who he said he was with doing what he said he was doing. Older single coworker who occasionally needs help moving heavy things minor household repairs and internet trouble. Problem is AP 1 is her landlord and lives in the same property. 🤬 He decided not to tell me this because HE was sure nothing would ever happen again, forgetting that I’m the one that needs to be sure of that, omitting that info does not help with trust! When I asked if she could confirm no one else was there he said “absolutely” but when I asked him to talk to her and get me that assurance he got defensive and started telling me how it would be a bad idea and worrying about his job. I know she could lie and cover for them but I need something. When I asked him about the texts from September -December, the ones that stopped after I sent her a Facebook message asking when she saw him last. He doesn’t “remember” talking to her about anything other than internet problems and can’t explain why he was texting her on my birthday. He had lunch with my mom that day which likely had him in her part of town.  I have so many I don’t knows and I don’t remembers, there are so many holes and no context I don’t know what to believe.  

His behavior has changed drastically in the last 3 months, I just have a hard time believing he remembers as little as he does. 

Female BS
Married 19 years 
2 tween girls

DDay 10/2019 
Affair 1, 11/2010 to 2/2011
Affair 2, 6/2019 to 12/2019 - Persistent One is still trying to contact him. 

Quote 0 0
grappling
I really relate to the feeling of NEEDING to be sure what he says is going on really is going on. The fact is we already know they are extremely good at concealing the truth and manipulating situations to make them look innocent. We CAN'T be 100% sure. They seem to be able to "forget" at will, and sometimes, they really don't remember. (It's surprising how much I don't remember about things, or get details wrong...that's the nature of memory.) What I'm hoping and praying for you (and myself) is that somehow, maybe through the counselor, you can get to a place of peace so that you can live with the level of trust he allows you. I meant that wording: HE is the one that gives you reason to trust by his behavior, willingness to be an open book, giving you access to everything you need to trust, etc. You can't force him. Given that these men cannot or will not give us enough evidence to trust them completely, we need to figure out how to live with peace with them or without them. This is really hard. I share your struggle. You are not alone.
Quote 1 0
BlindCheetah
We started counseling today, I appreciate that the very first thing she did was ask how I felt about seeing her since H had already seen her before, she offered to help us find an alternative if I decide we need to see someone else. We spent most of the session talking to her separately, I have no idea what they talked about but I unloaded a lot of the crap he put me through. 

Female BS
Married 19 years 
2 tween girls

DDay 10/2019 
Affair 1, 11/2010 to 2/2011
Affair 2, 6/2019 to 12/2019 - Persistent One is still trying to contact him. 

Quote 3 0
Phoenix

That conversation didn’t exactly go well, started fine, got bad, he came back later with a much better attitude. 

I think he was probably with who he said he was with doing what he said he was doing. Older single coworker who occasionally needs help moving heavy things minor household repairs and internet trouble. Problem is AP 1 is her landlord and lives in the same property. 🤬 He decided not to tell me this because HE was sure nothing would ever happen again, forgetting that I’m the one that needs to be sure of that, omitting that info does not help with trust! When I asked if she could confirm no one else was there he said “absolutely” but when I asked him to talk to her and get me that assurance he got defensive and started telling me how it would be a bad idea and worrying about his job. I know she could lie and cover for them but I need something. When I asked him about the texts from September -December, the ones that stopped after I sent her a Facebook message asking when she saw him last. He doesn’t “remember” talking to her about anything other than internet problems and can’t explain why he was texting her on my birthday. He had lunch with my mom that day which likely had him in her part of town.  I have so many I don’t knows and I don’t remembers, there are so many holes and no context I don’t know what to believe.  

His behavior has changed drastically in the last 3 months, I just have a hard time believing he remembers as little as he does. 


I know that your WS and my situation are different. For me it was 18 years before it came to light and I buried it far far in the back of my mind. I was very ashamed of my actions. I ended the affair. I did not get caught. It was a 1 1/2 year relationship. Sexual contact or intimacy a few times. I really can not remember details. He gets very upset and frustrated that I can not remember "such an important time in your life" that's the way he puts it. I am still working on remembering things. My therapist says it will be hard to remember everything or even what really happened because it's been so long that things get twisted in your memory after so long. I hope he can give more than I have to my BS. I know this brings some peace to you. It can also bring more pain. 
Quote 1 0
BlindCheetah
@Phoenix
I think the buried memories and wanting to take it to the grave are very much like him and I appreciate your input. I don’t want a lot of detail but I’m having a hard time accepting that they could be “just friends” for 9 years without any relapses. 

Female BS
Married 19 years 
2 tween girls

DDay 10/2019 
Affair 1, 11/2010 to 2/2011
Affair 2, 6/2019 to 12/2019 - Persistent One is still trying to contact him. 

Quote 0 0
Phoenix
@Phoenix
I think the buried memories and wanting to take it to the grave are very much like him and I appreciate your input. I don’t want a lot of detail but I’m having a hard time accepting that they could be “just friends” for 9 years without any relapses. 

I can't reassure you that that was the case with your BS. When I told my AP that did not want to continue with the affair I stopped speaking to him, but because we worked together within a month we were speaking again. After we started speaking again it didn't even take him a month when he started trying to convince me that we could try again. I had no desire to try again. He would not stop insisting so i had to cut all ties. Finally they moved me to the sister company and it was much easier to move on. Sometimes it's hard to cut ties when you work in the same place. My BS does not believe this. He feels I should of had the will to do it if I really wanted to. I was really done with the whole situation but the AP wasn't. 
Quote 0 0
BlindCheetah
Was he married or single? 1st was/is married with 2 kids H was her 2nd affair. She eventually changed jobs and renewed vows. They stayed in contact and had lunch together a couple times a year. 🤬 The 2nd was single and definitely did not want to let him go. She tried to call him again recently on the phone I didn’t think she had the number for which is what prompted me to do the digging that set off red flags for AP1. I am not enjoying the snooping and very much looking forward to a time when I don’t feel the need. 

Female BS
Married 19 years 
2 tween girls

DDay 10/2019 
Affair 1, 11/2010 to 2/2011
Affair 2, 6/2019 to 12/2019 - Persistent One is still trying to contact him. 

Quote 0 0