BlindCheetah
This question is mostly for the WS who’s affair ended years before DD. Do you think healing for your BS and you would have been easier if the truth had come out sooner? What is it like holding something so big for years? I’m looking back trying to figure out the last 9 years of my marriage so many conversations are starting to make more sense, they could have been so much more productive if I’d known the real problem. 

Female BS
Married 19 years 
2 tween girls

DDay 10/2019 
Affair 1, 11/2010 to 2/2011
Affair 2, 6/2019 to 12/2019 - Persistent One is still trying to contact him. 

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Skelling
I am only a BS too but for myself I would definitely argue, that recovery would have been easier. The affair it self was hard to handle but what followed, the lies, gaslighting, deflecting the guilt, making me feel like I am the problem........was what nearly broke us. But as they say hindsight is 20/20 no use to in getting upset about what could have been.... I still tend to get lost in there from time to time but it doesn't serve a purpose and therefore is wasted time and clearly we have enough of that.  I try to only look back or ask my husband to look back, is there is a lesson to be learned, something that will help us for our  future. my husband most likely will disagree with that, as I do tend to use examples from the affair to help me bring a feeling across and somehow in my head think (He understands what he did wrong during the affair, if I use an example from then to help him understand how it relates to the "mistake" he is making now, how the same patterns are still hurting me now, he should be able to get it) Doesn't work that well so I got to find different strategies for myself as I had to learn he just doesn't work, think, feel like I do. So whats perfectly logically to me, may be completely nuts to him and the other way around. It is a process and it takes time, oh my so much time but for me that is time that isn't wasted.  
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grappling
I'm so glad to see that this delayed DD thing has happened to others, too. Well, not glad, but at least less alone. The truth came out in our marriage after 12 years. It really complicated the mental and emotional processing. I felt like I had been manipulated into staying because of my conviction that I would only exit a marriage due to an affair or real abuse. He couldn't remember a lot of details. I felt like I had been living in the movie "Truman's World", not being able to grasp what was real in my life and what was an illusion of his making. It makes it really hard to trust someone so capable of harboring such a big lie for over a decade. How do I know anything he says is true anymore? One thought came to me while praying about how I can know what's reality in my life and what's not (an extremely unsettling emotion): My life during the affair and since has been honest and true; my experience was real; it was his that was a lie. I might not have know his truth all those years, but I did know what I experienced was real. In retrospect, and on good days, I'm glad I didn't know because I well may have left and that would have torn our family to pieces. Now I have 10 grandkids that have their grandparents together, which helps their sense of stability. It was worth it for their sake. By the way, it's been 5 years since my DD and I'm still having difficulty, but it's not debilitating anymore.
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BlindCheetah
After 9 years I’m also left with fuzzy details and dates. Have been checking my FB memories and H’s every day looking for context. I need an idea of where I was the first time he had an affair. As far as I can tell I was in sleep deprived teething hell. He felt neglected so.......

Female BS
Married 19 years 
2 tween girls

DDay 10/2019 
Affair 1, 11/2010 to 2/2011
Affair 2, 6/2019 to 12/2019 - Persistent One is still trying to contact him. 

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grappling
I know! We have some internal drive to go back and revisit the time of the affair and put our lives back in THAT context rather than the illusion our husband had created. Somehow just knowing, at least in part, what was happening helps to resolve something in the mind. I'm not sure why, but it's definitely a thing. As for you, BlindCheethah, I can't imagine how devastating this was for you, given you were in the baby stage of family. I'm so sorry. I had 3 teenagers during my ordeal, 2 at home, 1 at college. Teens aren't exactly the most self-steem-building, grateful people to have around, but I was handling all their needs at the time.
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BlindCheetah

grappling wrote:
I know! We have some internal drive to go back and revisit the time of the affair and put our lives back in THAT context rather than the illusion our husband had created. Somehow just knowing, at least in part, what was happening helps to resolve something in the mind. I'm not sure why, but it's definitely a thing. As for you, BlindCheethah, I can't imagine how devastating this was for you, given you were in the baby stage of family. I'm so sorry. I had 3 teenagers during my ordeal, 2 at home, 1 at college. Teens aren't exactly the most self-steem-building, grateful people to have around, but I was handling all their needs at the time.


The first was while breastfeeding 1 and 2 1/2 year old which was the only way I was getting any sleep at all my oldest didn’t sleep through the night until all of her teeth where in. The second was at 10 and 11. I found out about both on the same day, the second didn’t end until about 1 1/2 months later. As much hell as it was pretending everything was ok for a birthday party in many ways I’m having a harder time with the first even though there was a lot less emotional involvement.

We went to marriage councilor very briefly after the first but since I had no idea why I was there I thought it was a total waste of time. Since the councilor advised him not to tell me it truly was a complete waste of time. 

Female BS
Married 19 years 
2 tween girls

DDay 10/2019 
Affair 1, 11/2010 to 2/2011
Affair 2, 6/2019 to 12/2019 - Persistent One is still trying to contact him. 

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grappling
Oh, my heart goes out to you. I'm amazed you're still functioning! We went to a nice, but regular marriage counselor at first, too, but he left me feeling not understood and didn't deal with my trauma and the causes of my husband's actions. We then went to Ted and Sharon Tedder for a weekend while they lived in Orlando, which was a plane flight for us, but totally worth it. Much cheaper than a divorce! They gave us some tools and set us in the right direction. We both felt understood and were encouraged to keep working through our personal issues that contributed to his affair. It's been about 4 years since we went and we're still married. We still have our personal demons and some issues but we're slowly moving in the right direction. I feel healthier and happier at least. It's been a long haul. I really recommend the Tedders. They get what both are you are going through and know how to advise you.
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BlindCheetah

I’m still looking for a counselor that is qualified and at least sort of local. I’m having trouble with our insurance list showing providers that aren’t really taking our insurance. We are working through the online courses on this site and it’s helping I’m taking a break because I was feeling rushed H is still working on the next one. We’ve both been reading and listening and he’s been listening to a lot of Brenè Brown on YouTube. Right now I have a lot of hope things are far from perfect but he’s done a lot of work since deciding he really wants to work on us. He was on a very self destructive path, like a well lubricated rocky cliff and was about to set it on fire. 

I’m fighting the urge to get a burner number with the specific purpose of messing with his AP’s head or giving her number to some really annoying spammers. 

My monster in law is also also a huge source of stress. H wants us to get a long better but she has said and done some things that where completely fu¢ked up that I’m very not ok with. 

We are spending a lot of time together and discussing a lot that needs to be talked about but my introvert side is screaming for some space. 

Female BS
Married 19 years 
2 tween girls

DDay 10/2019 
Affair 1, 11/2010 to 2/2011
Affair 2, 6/2019 to 12/2019 - Persistent One is still trying to contact him. 

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grappling
Ditto on the monster in law thing. Three words: Leave and Cleave. He's got to be loyal to you, and if she messes with that, one word: boundaries! If she (or anyone, for that matter) is not a help to rebuilding and strengthening your marriage, then it's ok to take a break from them until you emerge as a unified team again.

About messing with the AP temptation. Oh man, do I get it!! Resist, however; it's a distraction that keeps you locked in the past and keeps her in the picture. Leave her behind. The sooner the better.

It's ok to take recovery and rebounding/rebuilding slowly according to your own comfort level. Sometimes we need a break from the intensity before we can get back into the serious talks. You're on the right road, friend. Godspeed.

Have you two looked at the book The Way we Love? We found it helpful to go through that separately and then discuss it together periodically. It's helped a lot of folks. It helps us understand ourselves and how we relate to our spouse and how we relate to other people too.
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ABCOneTwoThree

grappling wrote:


About messing with the AP temptation. Oh man, do I get it!! Resist, however; it's a distraction that keeps you locked in the past and keeps her in the picture. Leave her behind. The sooner the better.


As a former OW, I can’t agree more. 

Not only would you be reactivating the affair in your mind, you’ll bring her right back with you. One of the best things that happened to me was when the man I was seeing simply stopped contacting me, it really ended things in my mind. Had he kept reaching out after our last blow up, I believe I’d still be right there in the thick of it, living and breathing that affair, and feeling like I needed it. Likewise if I had had any altercations or drama with his BS. 

Kill her power. You do that by not letting her believe she has any power over your emotions. Let her know you’re in control, and the best way to do that is to ghost her. She doesn’t deserve to know how you are, how your marriage is, and if you’re recovering. Contacting her will give her a reason to contact your WS, and will allow her to paint a picture of turmoil in her head that will justify further wretched behavior. 

Formerly EasyAsABC 
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BlindCheetah

Yeah, I know messing with her is a bad idea. I REALLY want her out of my head! If I fail at restraining myself it would be anonymously. 

Today we actually worked on a project that required cooperation and compromise and it replaces a piece of furniture that I have resented since we moved into this house and was made worse when H started sleeping in another room with no explanation. Monster in law is not impressed and kept making comments like “You could just buy one.” and “What is this a high school shop project?” My comment was “I only took shop classes in Jr High and college.” Her opinion is irrelevant and we are both happy with what we made. We needed to do this together. 

Unfortunately she lives on our property (thankfully in a separate house) and is here to stay. 

Female BS
Married 19 years 
2 tween girls

DDay 10/2019 
Affair 1, 11/2010 to 2/2011
Affair 2, 6/2019 to 12/2019 - Persistent One is still trying to contact him. 

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grappling
Well done, both of you! Great project and didn't let the MIL get under your skin! And I don't think you will need to restrain yourself in regard to other woman if you succeed and getting her out of your head. You just won't think about her (much). Adios! 
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BlindCheetah

grappling wrote:
Well done, both of you! Great project and didn't let the MIL get under your skin! And I don't think you will need to restrain yourself in regard to other woman if you succeed and getting her out of your head. You just won't think about her (much). Adios! 


Watching a grown man say hey look, Mom we  accomplished something together that makes both of us happy after I almost completely destroyed everything just to get a meh, response is sad to watch. She was frantically ready to slap a band-aid on a mortal wound to save our marriage. She keeps saying she wants this to work but, I wonder if she only wants it to work if she can take credit for it. 

I’m so glad H had the good sense to tell her to stay out of it and let us worry about saving our relationship.

Female BS
Married 19 years 
2 tween girls

DDay 10/2019 
Affair 1, 11/2010 to 2/2011
Affair 2, 6/2019 to 12/2019 - Persistent One is still trying to contact him. 

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grappling
That he told MIL to butt out is HUGE!! I see hope there.
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Phoenix

This question is mostly for the WS who’s affair ended years before DD. Do you think healing for your BS and you would have been easier if the truth had come out sooner? What is it like holding something so big for years? I’m looking back trying to figure out the last 9 years of my marriage so many conversations are starting to make more sense, they could have been so much more productive if I’d known the real problem. 


29 months post Dday, 20 years since the affair. I did not tell him because I was sure he would leave and take our son. Which in hindsight I would have deserved. Things have been extremely difficult to repair. We still have not been able to reconcile. He will not recommit and or forgive me. I caused to much pain. 

min the beginning I felt extremely guilty for what I did and I pulled away from him because I thought forsure he could tell what I did. I then decided to put it in the back of my mind and lock it away. It didn’t work, every time we had an issue or problem the first thing I would say is “ I don’t deserve you I am a horrible person, you’re better without me” the guilt was always there and it only made me hate myself and it caused havoc through out our marriage. Now it’s been pure hell for the both us. I really don’t know how we will ever recover. 

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