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Laurajean83
anthropoidape wrote:

You become quite isolated because you can never really be open with anyone ever again. You can't be close with your spouse because you have to hide so much of your pain and struggle from them. You can't be close with friends because if they know then that makes socialising as a couple very awkward. You can't be close with family because the last thing you want is your family thinking they know what you should do better than you do. I can't answer the question "how are you?" honestly any more.



That makes so much sense!  Why the WS hides the truth.  Different reasons for different people...  [frown]   which would cause so much isolation.  

That was so helpful to help me understand, but I really am looking for a practical way to help him move away from that..    naive and stupid as that is...  but the desperate pursuit remains.  It is all I can do I feel. 
WW, Dday 7 months ago

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.  Who can understand it.  Jer 17:9
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arizons
anthropoidape wrote:
Until people have experienced it, they assume you must be exaggerating when you say things like that. But it is 100% right.

It would have been kinder of her to murder me than to do what she did. But here we are.

This is no joke. during the first month after D-day...I was ten feet away from walking unto the tracks of a fright train...It was my darkest moment and glad I didn't. In that moment the bravest thing I did was choose to live when all I wanted to do was die.
   and I agree... I can't know longer answer the "How are you doing question?" I hate it when someone asks...because I can't even bring it in myself to fake it. They usually get a shrug and me saying "Meh... im here"
  with that being said.... I'm grateful for this group and the people in it. Your support likely saved my life...
Female BS, D-day 1/03/2017, 
I'm going to rebuild me like a remix,

and raise my soul like a Phoenix 
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Keepabuzz
Laurajean83 wrote:

I really am looking for a practical way to help him move away from that..    naive and stupid as that is...  but the desperate pursuit remains.  It is all I can do I feel. 


I wish I knew the answer, I really do. I thought about your question for a while. I thought what could my wife do to help me not feel so alone and isolated. I can’t think of anything. The bullet can’t be unshot. The words spoken can not be taken back. The toothpaste can’t be put back in the tube. 

I think if I left my wife, I would likely become less isolated in time. I would have nothing to hide. It would be simple. She cheated, I left. Then that would bring an entirely new set of problems to deal with. 

When people tell their stories of surviving cancer, or adapting with a smile after losing their legs, etc. Everyone is there, not only pat them on the back for their accomplishment, but also they are there to help, support, encourage, etc along their path. We as betrayed spouses fight our battle alone, and there are not many people (if any) that are going to look at any of us and say look at that guy or gal, their wife/husband cheated on them, and they stayed!  Look how strong they are!

 It feels somewhat like a life sentence. I have told my wife this. “You have sentenced me to a life sentence of trust issues, pain, and sorrow. What did I ever do to deserve such a punishment?”  She said “nothing, you did nothing to deserve what I have done to you. I’m so, so sorry.”

She did what she wanted, and I’m the one who has to pay the price for it. She did the crime, and I do the time....  No probation, no parole, no time off for good behavior, no pardons, no early release.....
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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arizons
Keepabuzz wrote:

She did the crime, and I do the time....  No probation, no parole, no time off for good behavior, no pardons, no early release.....


That part...right there....
Female BS, D-day 1/03/2017, 
I'm going to rebuild me like a remix,

and raise my soul like a Phoenix 
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Laurajean83
I hear you...  I hear all that..   I refuse to fully believe it.   That is now, not forever.  I can't accept forever. 

If I have given my H a life sentence is to live in the pain...  my life sentence will be to fight for release...  even if it is a pointless fight...   that lasts forever.  

I refuse to let my grief and heart brokenness turn to depression and resigning to this fate.  The negative feelings must push me forward not down.  

That is not a statement to the BS about what they should do, everything is so different for them.  But what I must do.   
WW, Dday 7 months ago

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.  Who can understand it.  Jer 17:9
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UrbanExplorer
One helpful reminder I give myself is that my marriage is truly no one else's business. No one else can know the inside of it or how my H and I choose to arrange it or what is a dealbreaker vs. repairworthy. Our marriage is whatever we agree it is. We are like-minded about this, and it is pretty liberating in the face of public knowledge of my affair.
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arizons
UrbanExplorer wrote:
One helpful reminder I give myself is that my marriage is truly no one else's business. No one else can know the inside of it or how my H and I choose to arrange it or what is a dealbreaker vs. repairworthy. Our marriage is whatever we agree it is. We are like-minded about this, and it is pretty liberating in the face of public knowledge of my affair.

I totally agree!
Female BS, D-day 1/03/2017, 
I'm going to rebuild me like a remix,

and raise my soul like a Phoenix 
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Keepabuzz
Laurajean83 wrote:
I hear you...  I hear all that..   I refuse to fully believe it.   That is now, not forever.  I can't accept forever. 

If I have given my H a life sentence is to live in the pain...  my life sentence will be to fight for release...  even if it is a pointless fight...   that lasts forever.  

I refuse to let my grief and heart brokenness turn to depression and resigning to this fate.  The negative feelings must push me forward not down.  

That is not a statement to the BS about what they should do, everything is so different for them.  But what I must do.   


I think that is a great approach. My wife has said similar things. I have a hard time believing her. I do believe that she isn’t lying when she says that, I think she is fully committed. But for how long?  She says forever, how can I count on that?  She has already abandoned me once.

I have asked her how long will she try, she has said forever. I said what if it takes 5 years, she said she will do it. Then I said what if I can’t ever fully heal? She said then I will try forever.  All the right things said, right?  But how do I depend on her words?  I can’t. I can only depend on me. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Ijustcant

I have asked her how long will she try, she has said forever. I said what if it takes 5 years, she said she will do it. Then I said what if I can’t ever fully heal? She said then I will try forever.  All the right things said, right?  But how do I depend on her words?  I can’t. I can only depend on me. 

This is it!! My husband has said all the right things too, but he was also saying all the right things while he was carrying on with the AP. I don't feel I can ever trust my own judgement let alone him... How will I ever know when and if he is being sincere?
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Keepabuzz
I guess my challenge is a bit different. While I didn’t believe her at that time. I do now. I fully believe she is sincere. My challenge is how do I know she won’t change her mind? She also vowed to never betray me too, right?  Then she changed her mind. How do I know that there won’t come a day when she decides she has done all she is willing to do?  I can’t say for sure that there won’t be a day that will come where I will have had enough, although I have made zero promises. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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arizons
Keepabuzz wrote:
how do I know she won’t change her mind? 

I have the same problem. before my husband was saying the right words with all the wrong actions. Now the actions and words are in sink and I do believe he means it as I have seen a full 180 turn back to me. But I wonder the same thing...how do I know that he won't change his mind should the opportunity present itself...etc etc. I mean heck...he didn't even cheat on me with someone I would consider better than me. The ex-AP was literally old enough to be our mother...she has an adult son born the same year I was. She wasn't prettier, she certainly wasn't more successful as she was homeless and in and out of rehabs.
   So, it just goes to show how little age and beauty have to do with affairs.
Female BS, D-day 1/03/2017, 
I'm going to rebuild me like a remix,

and raise my soul like a Phoenix 
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UrbanExplorer
One place where I am healed is in the knowledge I will not have another affair. I have a different view of myself and my way of relating with people than I had several years ago, and it's a shift that can't be reversed. My therapist says she can see it, but how could my H, or another BS, really know that?

The work that leads a person never to cheat again happens on the inside and is, unfortunately, not going to be completely visible to the BS. I think evidence would include sustained effort to grow as a person via therapy, books, and online resources and an ability to talk about the affair with clarity and self-awareness. I think successful future fidelity needs to come from an earnest desire to be a person of integrity living one authentic life. If the fact of being married (so "you shouldn't do that") wasn't enough to prevent the affair in the first place, a reminder of it won't be enough, either. The BS should see the WS doing the hard work.
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arizons
UrbanExplorer wrote:
One place where I am healed is in the knowledge I will not have another affair. I have a different view of myself and my way of relating with people than I had several years ago, and it's a shift that can't be reversed. My therapist says she can see it, but how could my H, or another BS, really know that?

The work that leads a person never to cheat again happens on the inside and is, unfortunately, not going to be completely visible to the BS. I think evidence would include sustained effort to grow as a person via therapy, books, and online resources and an ability to talk about the affair with clarity and self-awareness. I think successful future fidelity needs to come from an earnest desire to be a person of integrity living one authentic life. If the fact of being married (so "you shouldn't do that") wasn't enough to prevent the affair in the first place, a reminder of it won't be enough, either. The BS should see the WS doing the hard work.

I agree and I do think its possible. My grandfather had an affair and my grandmother and him worked through it and became stronger then ever, stayed together, loved each other. They talked very openly about it. I was very lucky to have my grandmother to talk to after my husbands affair and it gave me hope and strength that a marriage can survive. 
Female BS, D-day 1/03/2017, 
I'm going to rebuild me like a remix,

and raise my soul like a Phoenix 
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