bridie
I havent posted for a while but i check in regularly and this site always gives me great support and I am so grateful for that.  We are now almost 15 months since my husband related to me that he wanted to end our marriage.  12 months of mediation have come to an end and our separation agreement is ready to be signed.  It was a tough year and coming into this new year I was hoping for some sense of this new normality but something always rears its ugly head.  My mum was upset for the fact that my WS's family have never got in touch since this happened so she decided to phone them yesterday to ask why.  There were no surpises as to how that phone call went - basically how could they get in touch when myself and their son are not even talking.  I wouldnt say we are not talking - we talk when we have to - anything that needs addressing in terms of our 2 kids - but we are never going to be friends - we are never going to be one of those separated families who spend special occasions together for the sake of the children.  As much as I would do anything for my children I dont believe I can go that far simply because of how my WS acted - and not just before, during but also after this whole affair.  What disturbed me most about the call was when my mother said to his father - that I didnt deserve this as i was a devoted mother and wife. His father replied "I wont comment on that".  Of course I know that means that my WS blackened me to his family in order to justify his own behaviour.  Why did he have to do that?  Could he not have done at least something right - could he not have owned his own actions without throwing me under the bus when he knows deep down that i was a devoted wife to him.  It is like he has total disregard for me, and total disregard as the mother of his children, the person who is now left to rear two teenagers on her own.  Can he now realise that he has hurt me enough - why did he have to do this as well?  He knows how much I loved him, he knows how much I tried to save our marriage, he knows how much I have persuaded our children to keep contact with him.  I dont let my children talk bad of their father, despite how tempting that is at times.  But it would seem no matter what i try to do right - he gives me nothing in return. I put our son (15) on a plane 2 days ago to go and visit his dad although he didnt want to go but i told him it was right that he spends time with his dad.   I am tired of always doing the right thing when no-one else does.  Did he not realise by blackening me to his family that he is damaged their relationship with their grandchildren?  I have had a letter written to his family for months now, still waiting for the right time to send it - my confidantes are split on whether i should send it or not - it basically says how much i loved their son, and how hurt i was by what he did and how he did it.  But it also outlines how hurt i have been by their behaviour, by them not ever picking up the phone to enquire not just how i am, but also how their grandkids are.  They have probably heard from their son that our daughter (13) still refuses to see her father and it has taken it's toll on her.  But they dont seem to care.  How can so many people get everything so wrong especially when there are kids involved.  We could have been one of those separated familes that spend some time together but i believe that was up to my WS to ensure that happened - to have limited the damage not add to it.  So hurt.
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grappling
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. It's a common tale, but never easy. Don't grow weary of doing the right thing whether or not you get credit for it. You are a good example to your children. I admire what you're doing.
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Fionarob
Sadly it seems it is common.  Many parts of your post are exactly the same for me.  I find it staggering that my ex's family and mutual friends did not pick up the 'phone to ask me if I was OK or tell me how sorry they were to hear what had happened.  I don't know for sure, but I also suspect he told them lies to make what he did seem a little more justified. 

I also hear myself saying sometimes that I am fed up of always doing the right thing, that it has got me nowhere.  But then I read your post and I think no, I am not angry at myself for doing the right thing, I am proud.  It maybe hasn't got me anywhere, but it does mean my close friends, family and anyone who knows my story has the upmost respect for me and the choices I made.  It shows the sort of character I am and I have stayed true to the type of person I want to be.   And it means I can live with myself and be proud of the way I have acted and everything I have done.  I don't think my ex husband could say the same.  He has to live with those choices for the rest of his life, knowing how much he hurt me and how much I was willing to forgive and put our marriage back together.  He knows he threw all of that away and made choices that will affect me and his children forever.  I think that would be very hard to live with.
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anthropoidape
A lot, though not all, WSes seem to enjoy control and power without any consideration of fairness or kindness, particularly the men. It is very common for them to keep manipulating, basically pressing buttons or keeping others on a string even after separation.  They are hooked on simply having an impact, whatever it is. So they do things that make it hard to move on. They seem difficult to understand because they switch from being extremely loving and repentant to threatening suicide to extreme rage. The jumping around does make sense when you realise they are just using different tactics to get the same goal, which is to have an impact and/or control over others. When they see the control slipping they escalate to the next tactic. 

This might or might not apply here. Either way I think you need to just not respond to communication that isn't directly about logistics to do with the kids. Cut back to text message if you have to. And be prepared for the possibility of escalating tactics.
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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Jak
Ditto. How can they intentionally choose wrong every step of the way and only after discovery say to BS “think of the children and what's right for them, control yourself and do the right thing for them.” Im expected to always do the right thing in wake of devastating emotions and lasting trauma while neither of them could do the right thing in the months/years they were wayward. I can’t even be selfish and do what I want to get through this insanity, I have to be the sane parent and worry about doing things right for the kids. I know life isn’t fair, it most certainly does not need help from selfish spouses to make it more unfair on good people trying to do things right. 
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stillme
If nothing else, it gives you great confirmation on ending the marriage. Now he only gets to try and hurt you from afar, imagine if he were still in your home and had access to you daily in order to hurt you hundred different ways every day. As far as his family is concerned, now you know how much to invest in the relationship. If they aren't willing to do what is kind, even for the sake of their grandchildren, then you know not to waste your time or emotions how to fix a relationship that can't be salvaged.
Be cordial, but otherwise focus on yourself, your kids, and your mom. Invest in the relationships that are mutually beneficial and pour good things into you just as much as you pour into them.  
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Guiltguilt
Families are in the cross fire, and have no idea how to act, what is acceptable or expected. My BS has contact with my family and is still amazed after 10 years that my family just doesn’t act like hers does. 

If WSs were good at communicating, none of these situations would even occur in the first place. When I looked at your previous posts, he told you last year what his intentions were in no uncertain terms. Its time to move on with dignity. The 180 may help you to keep that dignity. 
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Sam
Bridie, your case sounds exactly like mine.  I have also tried to push my teenage kids to talk to their father again after he left us all of sudden for another woman and did not contact us almost 7 months.  I offered him to come for Christmas as well.  Kids are reluctant to be with him. His family blames me for kids not trying to see him or not thanking the gifts they sent nor replied to their email.  I realised that whatever he did, they are on his side and I am the one to be blamed.  So now I am not trying to do right thing.  I do things that makes me and kids fine. 
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HML
Hi Birdie

Blood is thicker than water so as the saying goes........ even if they know that their son was wrong they would stand by him I am sure.
We always think what we do is right hence we do it ......and we expect the same from others but sadly others dun give a toss and are really unappreciative sometimes worst ...... they perceive us in even a bad way as in the WS and his family!!
Shifting the blame to suit them and the circumstances so expected and God knows what else they may say to protect themselves and make themselves look right in this instance to all the family and friends human instinct I guess!!
Difficult as it may be stand tall and do whatever it takes to ensure your own happiness and move on it’s going to be hard but no point even sparing a thought for them total waste of your life .... they will do nothing to make it any easier and if I were you I wouldn’t want them near !!
Kids??? You think there is love or care ??
if there was your WS would not have wanted to leave ..... it was not even a good enough magnet to make him stay and work out the marriage now they want the kids to excercise a paternal right to own something they think belongs to them for the hell of it and some would even fight tooth n nail  for this right !!
if the kids were in the fore front of their minds they would have preservered to stay together make the marriage work for the sake of the them !!
Affairs are huge mistakes but to not be repentant and remorseful about it is the epitome of being the biggest idiots  ever and since even the in laws are so  abiding  this makes them no better when no apology is even offered for this dreadful misconduct of their off spring something I would have beat the hell out of him to knock some decency into ...... so dun expect anything right from them they are incapable of anything right and compensate to suit themselves!! 
Wisihing you all the best stay strong and move on unless you want More trauma in your life just Leave with no regrets nothing worst than staying in a one sided selfish love relationship!!! Having the kids with you would mean everything for now!
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bridie
grappling wrote:
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. It's a common tale, but never easy. Don't grow weary of doing the right thing whether or not you get credit for it. You are a good example to your children. I admire what you're doing.


Thank you for your support
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bridie
Fionarob wrote:
I am proud.  It maybe hasn't got me anywhere, but it does mean my close friends, family and anyone who knows my story has the upmost respect for me and the choices I made.  It shows the sort of character I am and I have stayed true to the type of person I want to be.   And it means I can live with myself and be proud of the way I have acted and everything I have done.  I don't think my ex husband could say the same.  He has to live with those choices for the rest of his life, knowing how much he hurt me and how much I was willing to forgive and put our marriage back together.  He knows he threw all of that away and made choices that will affect me and his children forever.  I think that would be very hard to live with.


Thank you Fionarob, I also always admire what you do.  Hopefully we can be happy again someday.
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bridie
Jak wrote:
Ditto. How can they intentionally choose wrong every step of the way and only after discovery say to BS “think of the children and what's right for them, control yourself and do the right thing for them.” Im expected to always do the right thing in wake of devastating emotions and lasting trauma while neither of them could do the right thing in the months/years they were wayward. I can’t even be selfish and do what I want to get through this insanity, I have to be the sane parent and worry about doing things right for the kids. I know life isn’t fair, it most certainly does not need help from selfish spouses to make it more unfair on good people trying to do things right. 


So right Jak.  Maybe Karma will help us sooner rather than later and that might be their wake-up call.
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bridie
HML wrote:

Wisihing you all the best stay strong and move on unless you want More trauma in your life just Leave with no regrets nothing worst than staying in a one sided selfish love relationship!!! Having the kids with you would mean everything for now!


Thank you for your support HML
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bridie
Sam wrote:
Bridie, your case sounds exactly like mine.  I have also tried to push my teenage kids to talk to their father again after he left us all of sudden for another woman and did not contact us almost 7 months.  I offered him to come for Christmas as well.  Kids are reluctant to be with him. His family blames me for kids not trying to see him or not thanking the gifts they sent nor replied to their email.  I realised that whatever he did, they are on his side and I am the one to be blamed.  So now I am not trying to do right thing.  I do things that makes me and kids fine. 


Its hard Sam but hopefully it will get easier with time.  I have decided to no longer push my daughter to see her dad.  She is no longer comfortable in his company.  I dont know how he can ever live with this knowing how much she adored him.  He always appears so arrogant - i guess i will never know if he has regrets.  So selfish creatures.
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bridie
Guiltguilt wrote:
Families are in the cross fire, and have no idea how to act, what is acceptable or expected. My BS has contact with my family and is still amazed after 10 years that my family just doesn’t act like hers does. 

If WSs were good at communicating, none of these situations would even occur in the first place. When I looked at your previous posts, he told you last year what his intentions were in no uncertain terms. Its time to move on with dignity. The 180 may help you to keep that dignity. 


I agree Guiltguilt that familes dont know how to act but there is no excuse for not showing any kindness in these situations.  No excuse.
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