HangingOn Show full post »
Crushed
I too would like to understand why you wasnt going to leave your spouse.  It's just my thought process but wasnt that the purpose of the affair to escape your life.  A life that was not what you wanted a person that you did not care about enough to think about how you would destroy them.  I'm not trying to shame or be accusing but I really struggle to understand this.  Is it that the BS are just kept around to cook clean take care of everything so that the WS wont be inconvenienced.  Are we just being used until the BS decides to replace us.  Please I really want to understand this.  Because I am told the same thing she was nothing I never planned to leave you.
Quote 1 0
UrbanExplorer
Most WS don't really want out of their marriage. I experienced an affair like turning to alcohol or drugs - something to make me feel better or alive that became a compulsion I largely denied was affecting my marriage. I understand why it looks from the outside like a WS is choosing between this person or that person romantically, but I think the affair is something else. It's about how the WS is coping (failing to cope) with life's realities more than it is about the marriage. 
Quote 6 0
Crushed
That's not the way it feels.  I am so broken today that all I do is cry.  I just dont understand how my WS could hurt  me so much. I would rather of him killed me. 
Quote 2 0
UrbanExplorer
I'm terribly sorry you are going through this pain and misery. It's not your fault.
Quote 1 0
Keepabuzz

Crushed wrote:
That's not the way it feels.  I am so broken today that all I do is cry.  I just dont understand how my WS could hurt  me so much. I would rather of him killed me. 


I know exactly how you feel. I remember those days well, they are etched into my soul. I looked my wife in the eye on more than one occasion, in the early months, maybe even the first year and said “it would have been far kinder if you had killed me than to do what you did to me.”  


I promise you it does get better. The pain hurts less. It takes so much longer than we all wish, but it does happen. 

Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
Quote 3 0
Crushed
I'm coming to the point where I dont believe that it will ever be any better it's been 3 years and 5 months.  It's just been a really bad day.

He is no help all he does is live in his denials,  I ask a question and I get little response usually I dont know I dont remember I didnt do that. And the standard I am trying.  And then we have to about every 3 or 4 months throw in a big detail that he lied about.  It's never going to end I am going to feel this pain the rest of a hopefully short life I have left.    37 years of my life just wasted.  And before everyone says just leave him I threw him out 2 months ago.  But he calls and texts I think just to hurt and trigger me.  Give me guilt trip of how he is trying so hard . That he read some this week.  Yes his words


Quote 0 0
Keepabuzz

I’m coming up on 5 years. I’ve come a long way, but I certainly wouldn’t say all is well. We get along fine, our kids are fine, we don’t fight, she treats me well, and I treat her well. But there is something missing. I still have walls up. My wife told me the other night that I have to find a way to bring those walls down, that I need to be “all in”. Now, I don’t think she is wrong, but I’ve given as much as I’m willing to give. I’ve gone as far as I’m willing to go.  I have to safeguard myself. 


Some background. My wife doesn’t come from much. I come from average. Not long after d-day during one of my many, MANY rage fests my wife said “I always knew you were too good for me. That I didn’t deserve you. I always thought one day you would realize that and leave me, I just didn’t know when.”  


I reminded her of that statement and told her that SHE had NEVER been “all in”, and I was for d*mn sure not ever going to be “all in”, that if one of us had to take a risk, it wouldn’t be me. I told her how every truly reconciled marriage I have read or heard about has the WS doing individual therapy for a substantial amount of time.  The WS showing true remorse.  My wife went to therapy 3 times, and then said she couldn’t go “and” help me at the same time. 🙄. She has shown remorse, true remorse, but no where near enough. She hasn’t violated a single boundary, and treats me very well. But if I’m to stay, long term, I need more than that. As I’ve said here many times, I won’t stay for mediocre. My new marriage is going to be great or over.  My marriage is not great, and it needs to get to great if it is to continue. I told my wife that she needed to go to therapy, and she agreed. So we will see what comes of that. 


I told my wife one last thing before the conversation ended. I said “In the last 4+ years from d-day and all I have been put through, I’ve only seen you cry 3 times over what you have done to me. Yet you are the person who cries at a sad commercial on tv. How do you think that makes me feel?” She responded with her default is to bury her emotions due her childhood. I said “You need to get that figured out if you want me to stay long term. If there is going to be somebody that does the hard work and takes the risk to truly open up, it’s going to be you first. I have every reason to never open up again. So this is on you. When I see progress, then I will begin to work.”  


I think this is a step in the right direction, long overdue, but still in the right direction. We shall see........

Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
Quote 3 0
Vanessa
Crushed wrote:
I'm coming to the point where I dont believe that it will ever be any better it's been 3 years and 5 months.  It's just been a really bad day.

He is no help all he does is live in his denials, . . .    37 years of my life just wasted.  And before everyone says just leave him I threw him out 2 months ago.  But he calls and texts I think just to hurt and trigger me.  Give me guilt trip of how he is trying so hard . That he read some this week.  Yes his words




Dear Crushed - it DOES get better , but I think in your circumstance it will get better once you have gone NO CONTACT with him  You stated it above "he call and texts I think just to hurt and trigger me"  YUP - he wants to remain central in your life.  Block him on your phone - create a new email account that you only use to contact him and only check it once a week.  If it is full of self serving garbage from him, then check it once a month.    Google Narcissitic personality disorder as well as cluster B personality disorder - see if they appear to fit him - the more you know the easier it is to gain your own strength and recognize that he is NOT good for you and the No contact is the best option for you
hugs
Quote 2 0
Sorry
hurting wrote:
Sorry, are you able to clarify the triggers further? Is it a sense of betrayal when you get one? A sense of shame? A sense of panic? I don’t quite understand.

Thank you.


All of the above. A huge amount is betrayal. But also feeling dead stupid for feeling for one if the oldest plays in the book. Huge shame that while I could see what An awful husband he was I could not see that I was also being an awful wife.

I still cant fully quantify many of my actions. There is stupid and then There is STUPID, and I cant even justify them with saying it was selfishness, or thoughtlessness.

I guess I could call it mindlessness 
Quote 2 0
Sorry
Crushed wrote:
I too would like to understand why you wasnt going to leave your spouse.  It's just my thought process but wasnt that the purpose of the affair to escape your life.  A life that was not what you wanted a person that you did not care about enough to think about how you would destroy them.  I'm not trying to shame or be accusing but I really struggle to understand this.  Is it that the BS are just kept around to cook clean take care of everything so that the WS wont be inconvenienced.  Are we just being used until the BS decides to replace us.  Please I really want to understand this.  Because I am told the same thing she was nothing I never planned to leave you.


My mom always used the analogy that having a second could does not mean you love you first any less and she used to joka about what you would say if your spouse brought home a new wife and said the shame thing that we tell siblings.

I thank I figured that my love for my one child is not diminshed by my love for another.
Having many friend does not take away the value from each friendship.

Something like that...
Quote 0 0
Firebird

Sorry wrote:


My mom always used the analogy that having a second could does not mean you love you first any less and she used to joka about what you would say if your spouse brought home a new wife and said the shame thing that we tell siblings.

I thank I figured that my love for my one child is not diminshed by my love for another.
Having many friend does not take away the value from each friendship.

Something like that...


This is the general thinking among polyamorists: That allowing for romantic love for others aside from your first/primary partner doesn’t in any way diminish the love you have for your first partner and in fact, can enhance your relationship.

This line of thinking is what allowed my partner to believe that having a relationship with another woman was ok; but he didn’t even go about it in the honest and open way that polyamory requires due to fear of losing our family and me. I already told him that I am not into non-monogamy before we ever had kids. But he selfishly chose to live a double life and lie about it without giving me the option of consent, which is just plain lying and cheating - Even for non-monogamists. 

Also, I’ve always disliked the child analogy; the love for one’s children is much different and an entirely different kind of love than the love for a romantic partner. I guess cheating and polyamory are for people who feel like they need the infatuation/limerance love and the long term bonded love at the same time. 

People are free to live whatever lifestyle they want; but I asked him to leave me out of any such notions from the beginning and I’ll never consent to that kind of relationship because it goes against my beliefs and emotional make-up. There is no justification of the betrayal, lies and deceit required for getting your way when your partner won’t consent. 

Quote 0 0
Sorry
Keepabuzz wrote:

I’m coming up on 5 years. I’ve come a long way, but I certainly wouldn’t say all is well. We get along fine, our kids are fine, we don’t fight, she treats me well, and I treat her well. But there is something missing. I still have walls up. My wife told me the other night that I have to find a way to bring those walls down, that I need to be “all in”. Now, I don’t think she is wrong, but I’ve given as much as I’m willing to give. I’ve gone as far as I’m willing to go.  I have to safeguard myself. 


Some background. My wife doesn’t come from much. I come from average. Not long after d-day during one of my many, MANY rage fests my wife said “I always knew you were too good for me. That I didn’t deserve you. I always thought one day you would realize that and leave me, I just didn’t know when.”  


I reminded her of that statement and told her that SHE had NEVER been “all in”, and I was for d*mn sure not ever going to be “all in”, that if one of us had to take a risk, it wouldn’t be me. I told her how every truly reconciled marriage I have read or heard about has the WS doing individual therapy for a substantial amount of time.  The WS showing true remorse.  My wife went to therapy 3 times, and then said she couldn’t go “and” help me at the same time. 🙄. She has shown remorse, true remorse, but no where near enough. She hasn’t violated a single boundary, and treats me very well. But if I’m to stay, long term, I need more than that. As I’ve said here many times, I won’t stay for mediocre. My new marriage is going to be great or over.  My marriage is not great, and it needs to get to great if it is to continue. I told my wife that she needed to go to therapy, and she agreed. So we will see what comes of that. 


I told my wife one last thing before the conversation ended. I said “In the last 4+ years from d-day and all I have been put through, I’ve only seen you cry 3 times over what you have done to me. Yet you are the person who cries at a sad commercial on tv. How do you think that makes me feel?” She responded with her default is to bury her emotions due her childhood. I said “You need to get that figured out if you want me to stay long term. If there is going to be somebody that does the hard work and takes the risk to truly open up, it’s going to be you first. I have every reason to never open up again. So this is on you. When I see progress, then I will begin to work.”  


I think this is a step in the right direction, long overdue, but still in the right direction. We shall see........



I think therapy is very healthy for people who engage in affairs. You have to be a broken person in some repect to consider an affairs normal. 

I am very glad I did "my time" I am exceptionally greatful I had the opportunity. Not everyone can afford it, or is afforded it.

My therapist(s) are counted amoungst my greatest blessings.
Quote 2 0
hurting
Thank you for clarifying. It is helpful as always!
Quote 0 0
TwilightMirage
I am a WS and I have triggers, I want to be clear that I understand that my triggers are nowhere near the magnitude or similar to the triggers of the BS. Something that reminds me of a time where I was lying will send a wave of shame and guilt. Or something that makes me think of how my BS felt while alone and abandoned and feeling that hurt. Maybe you could ask WS what the triggers are and they can explain the ways they feel guilty or empathetic. 
Quote 3 0