I’m coming up on 5 years. I’ve come a long way, but I certainly wouldn’t say all is well. We get along fine, our kids are fine, we don’t fight, she treats me well, and I treat her well. But there is something missing. I still have walls up. My wife told me the other night that I have to find a way to bring those walls down, that I need to be “all in”. Now, I don’t think she is wrong, but I’ve given as much as I’m willing to give. I’ve gone as far as I’m willing to go. I have to safeguard myself.
Some background. My wife doesn’t come from much. I come from average. Not long after d-day during one of my many, MANY rage fests my wife said “I always knew you were too good for me. That I didn’t deserve you. I always thought one day you would realize that and leave me, I just didn’t know when.”
I reminded her of that statement and told her that SHE had NEVER been “all in”, and I was for d*mn sure not ever going to be “all in”, that if one of us had to take a risk, it wouldn’t be me. I told her how every truly reconciled marriage I have read or heard about has the WS doing individual therapy for a substantial amount of time. The WS showing true remorse. My wife went to therapy 3 times, and then said she couldn’t go “and” help me at the same time. 🙄. She has shown remorse, true remorse, but no where near enough. She hasn’t violated a single boundary, and treats me very well. But if I’m to stay, long term, I need more than that. As I’ve said here many times, I won’t stay for mediocre. My new marriage is going to be great or over. My marriage is not great, and it needs to get to great if it is to continue. I told my wife that she needed to go to therapy, and she agreed. So we will see what comes of that.
I told my wife one last thing before the conversation ended. I said “In the last 4+ years from d-day and all I have been put through, I’ve only seen you cry 3 times over what you have done to me. Yet you are the person who cries at a sad commercial on tv. How do you think that makes me feel?” She responded with her default is to bury her emotions due her childhood. I said “You need to get that figured out if you want me to stay long term. If there is going to be somebody that does the hard work and takes the risk to truly open up, it’s going to be you first. I have every reason to never open up again. So this is on you. When I see progress, then I will begin to work.”
I think this is a step in the right direction, long overdue, but still in the right direction. We shall see........