UrbanExplorer Show full post »
UrbanExplorer
I was never really sure in my heart that I wanted to work on my marriage, but I felt as a WS and a people pleaser that I had to go along with it from day 1. I like the suggestion above about working on oneself for a few months in order to get in the right headspace to make a decision about the marriage moving forward.
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UrbanExplorer
My husband did not want to know many details, and I would have struggled to give them if pressed beyond the overall physical extent of the affair. I did agree to STD testing and went through with it. If I had to give details about affair sex acts in order to stay, I definitely would have left. I'm very shame-based (working on that) and probably could not get past that kind of interrogation without it being another scar on my soul and a flashback to similar treatment by my parents. BS have a right to ask for information, but it might not help either party.
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snoopy08
Mavrik,  We have had a ton of issues from the start, I really knew deep down I didn't want to marry him in the first place, but I was so insecure and didn't realize I had a right to my feelings. I've spent much of my life hiding my true thoughts and feelings to protect other people's feelings.  There are anger, control, jealousy issues and more in our marriage, not to mention I have been emotionally unavailable to him for the most part.  The times I really needed him and was vulnerable, he wasn't there for me at all.  I felt trapped because of my religious beliefs and my family puts a lot of pressure on me to stay married.  So, I just prayed and prayed and tried to be content. So, 12 years later, here we are in this big disaster.
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UrbanExplorer
snoopy08 wrote:
Mavrik,  We have had a ton of issues from the start, I really knew deep down I didn't want to marry him in the first place, but I was so insecure and didn't realize I had a right to my feelings. I've spent much of my life hiding my true thoughts and feelings to protect other people's feelings.  There are anger, control, jealousy issues and more in our marriage, not to mention I have been emotionally unavailable to him for the most part.  The times I really needed him and was vulnerable, he wasn't there for me at all.  I felt trapped because of my religious beliefs and my family puts a lot of pressure on me to stay married.  So, I just prayed and prayed and tried to be content. So, 12 years later, here we are in this big disaster.


I find this relatable, especially hiding my own thoughts and feelings and becoming emotionally unavailable but let down the few times I opened up.
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Scarlett
I relate to this as well. I think many woman feel trapped in a marriage because of kids. I do notice a difference between what us female AP's say and what the men say. For women the affair seems to be based more on emotional needs, and for men it seems more physical and ego driven. 
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Dirazz
In our case this is a true statement. The OW told my husband she was falling in love with him. Mind you they spent maybe a total of 45 min alone together. Enough time to have sex in her car on their lunch break twice. Worked only 2 days a week together and has never even seen my husband naked. But she was falling in love. It was all about my WS's ego! We had and still continue to have an amazing sex life.
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J
AmyB wrote:
I am a WS and yet to come clean with all the details of my affair. Every time I have given my H a little piece of the puzzle he gets enraged and walks out again. My guilt and shame has almost cost me my life and sanity. I have agreed to give him all the details but only in a professional setting with a therapist. He has finally agreed to do that but now he has stated that he doesn't think we will make it until our first appointment. I want my marriage to work but I find myself agreeing to things just to make him happy. For example....he needs to know how many times I was intimate with AP so he can even the score but I have to help him find the women and watch, I have to agree to inviting others into our marital bed after the score is even. I have to want the marriage to work more than him! He has already had a one night stand and even took a selfie of him and the other woman during the first week of separation. He didn't disclose that information at our first " honesty" session. I found the picture on his phone. I was mad but I felt like I deserved it and he did too! He takes pleasure in my pain and suffering and has even stated that he will break me! I know I was wrong and I have hurt him but do I deserve the emotional torture? Should I be completely honest with him or just walk away?


AmyB,
Holy Moses. Do you know what a revenge affair is? An affair! What you did to him, he's already done back to you, but he needs to know the exact number of times you had extramarital sexual contact so that he can have the exact same number of extramarital sexual contacts? The BS's need for full disclosure is for healing, to wrap their head around the affair, what it really was and for how long, so that they can process it and begin to move past it. What your "BS" is doing is not for healing, it is simply for revenge. I see his intent to "break you" as full-on emotional abuse. Yes, you were wrong in having an affair. However, even as a BS I recognize that a healthy relationship takes two people both making an effort. If your relationship is about nothing more than who can hurt the other the most, I think it's time to stop playing the game. I separated from my WS rather than allowing him to continue hurting me when he wouldn't give up the affair, but I have never sought to hurt him with revenge and take no pleasure in his pain or even in his guilt. I don't think your affair is justified, but I think you probably should have run long ago. Why would you be committed to honesty when you know that every grain of truth will be used as ammunition against you?    

UrbanExplorer,
I think it's much better to take time for yourself to figure out what you want than to pretend you're working to save a marriage you're not really sure you want. Then you end up hurting your BS all over again if you decide he's not what you want and stop pretending. Truly, I would have preferred that kind of honesty over having my WS swear his affair was over and pretend to work on our relationship, only to find that he invited his AP into our home and slept with her there as soon as I left town for a few days. 

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KimD
snoopy08 wrote:
Mavrik,  We have had a ton of issues from the start, I really knew deep down I didn't want to marry him in the first place, but I was so insecure and didn't realize I had a right to my feelings. I've spent much of my life hiding my true thoughts and feelings to protect other people's feelings.  There are anger, control, jealousy issues and more in our marriage, not to mention I have been emotionally unavailable to him for the most part.  The times I really needed him and was vulnerable, he wasn't there for me at all.  I felt trapped because of my religious beliefs and my family puts a lot of pressure on me to stay married.  So, I just prayed and prayed and tried to be content. So, 12 years later, here we are in this big disaster.


I know this is an older thread, but sound so similar to me. I knew there were not some core feelings from the beginning, but felt shame for this, like something was wrong with me for not being able to totally reciprocate my husbands feelings. But I did care and like my husband, liked spending time together. My lack of 'something' eventually lead me to start to detach when issues did come up, but I focused on my kids and projects and other aspects of my life. And as you say - 8 years later - here we are in a big mess. I am a WS too. No history of cheating and one of those people who never thought they would do it...
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UrbanExplorer
I can obviously relate to marrying a great person who I "should" marry and having some long-term doubts and a lack of romantic spark. I was not self-aware when I married. I was not in touch with my needs at all, so he was only seeing the pleasing side of me.

I am right now considering the possibility that romance could be sparked again even if long dead. I am not sure, but people say it is possible. I am also mulling over the thought that real freedom is easier to have in the context of a relationship with one person who really "gets" and accepts you than it is in a non-monogamous scenario. I don't know how it works out for my husband and me, but I don't want to be rash, and he is allowing time.
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sunflower07
Urban,

If you fell in love with your husband before, I would think you could again.

I like what you said about being able to have freedom within a relationship. I think there is a podcast where the couple talks about this?
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KDM
Urban, you can fall in love with your BS. I am living proof! I am a WS only 2 mnths dicovered from my affair. Never had I cheated on my wife but became inflamed in a sexual an emotional affair for over 2 mnths. My wife has been so amazing in her love for me sn desire to make our marriage better than ever before. I began taking it one day at a time, an just yesterday came to the place of realizing my love for her had surpassed my dream love of my AP. PLEASE TAKE THESE WORDS TO HEART AND LET THEM BRING YOU THE TRUTH! "He who trusts in his own heart is a fool, but he who walks wisely will be delivered." Proverbs 28:26
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UrbanExplorer
KDM wrote:
Urban, you can fall in love with your BS. I am living proof! I am a WS only 2 mnths dicovered from my affair. Never had I cheated on my wife but became inflamed in a sexual an emotional affair for over 2 mnths. My wife has been so amazing in her love for me sn desire to make our marriage better than ever before. I began taking it one day at a time, an just yesterday came to the place of realizing my love for her had surpassed my dream love of my AP. PLEASE TAKE THESE WORDS TO HEART AND LET THEM BRING YOU THE TRUTH! "He who trusts in his own heart is a fool, but he who walks wisely will be delivered." Proverbs 28:26


I would like to think this could happen. I have felt obligation but not really love for my husband for more than 10 years.
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