arizons
I just need to vent this out. I am so mad and frustrated right now. So this morning I was telling my husband about a commute problem that I am having (I take a train too and from work daily). and he made the comment that I should just have days that I stay at my Grandmothers house (since she is way closer to my job).
   That in itself didn't fully trigger me...although it did a little because a few days before D-day when I had to spend the night at a friends house due to train being down, I had called him and found out from a family member the minute he found out that I wouldn't be home he took off for the entire night, wouldn't answer his phone...etc etc etc.
   So, now...I do not intentionally spend the night away from home (although I am 100% confidant the affair is over...but being away over night still causes me TOO much anxiety..I know...probably not healthy... I'm working on it).
   But then he made a comment and said that I should go and stay somewhere else for a few months! At this point I blew and told him, "Why? why do you want me gone? You have no idea what kind of horrible thoughts that puts in my head and I'm not even going to say what I am thinking!!"
   What I REALLY wanted to say was, "Why do you need me out of the way...do you have someone else to run off with!?!?"
    Though, I didn't need to say that because he got the message. But then tells me, "Oh...I was just making a joke and YOU had to go and ruin the moment!"
     So, when I told him, "No...he ruined the moment because its not funny to tell me I should go and be somewhere else. If you don't want me around...I have to wonder why! and its your fault I have to wonder why!"
     Then he has the nerve to tell me not to piss him off. I told him he doesn't have a right to be pissed off and should instead be more sensitive to my feelings. He messed up not me!!
     He did apologize and says that he didn't mean anything by it. Granted...he is doing right things. I always know where he is...etc etc. 
    But what would he think would happen saying something like that???
Female BS, D-day 1/03/2017, 
I'm going to rebuild me like a remix,

and raise my soul like a Phoenix 
Quote 0 0
Keepabuzz
I would have reacted the same way you did.  The WS gives up certain rights after they cheat. Some jokes are no longer tolerated, nor should they be.  I’m surprised at his response. My has said a few things, (no where near that bad) on accident, that has triggered me. I have snapped, and barked, but she certainly didn’t snap back like he did.  The joke alone is a bit worrisome, the triggers don’t come much more obvious than that.  
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
Quote 1 0
Heidi
I would have reacted the same too. In the first year after d day, I wouldn’t leave my husband in charge of the kids overnight on his own, because I didn’t trust him to protect them. I’d he’d have joked about it I would have exploded because there was nothing funny about it. It was directly linked to his actions and choices. 

I hope he understands just how painful that sort of thing can be.
Quote 0 0
arizons
Heidi wrote:
 I hope he understands just how painful that sort of thing can be.

No, I don't think he understands the pain at all. When things trigger up he feels like I am punishing him by getting upset or saying something that brings the affair to the surface again. And I think he does feel punished by shame or guilt...etc...BUT, he did it...so if he does feel punished...its not by me.
Female BS, D-day 1/03/2017, 
I'm going to rebuild me like a remix,

and raise my soul like a Phoenix 
Quote 1 0
arizons
Keepabuzz wrote:
I would have reacted the same way you did.  The WS gives up certain rights after they cheat. Some jokes are no longer tolerated, nor should they be.  I’m surprised at his response. My has said a few things, (no where near that bad) on accident, that has triggered me. I have snapped, and barked, but she certainly didn’t snap back like he did.  The joke alone is a bit worrisome, the triggers don’t come much more obvious than that.  

That's ok... he is on a roll lately. I told him he was lucky not to be murdered by the end of the day. I was talking with him on the phone this morning and he ended the call with calling me a now forbidden nick name. It was an sweet and personal nick name he would call me when we started dating. But when the OW sent me Voice mails he had left for her... he was calling HER the name that was strictly between us for so many years. So, I forbid him from ever calling me that again. Well...he slipped and called me that name! So, I blew. He has not called me that nickname in almost a year! why now?
   First his stupid comment yesterday and now this? An honest slip? or a slip because he is in contact with that Beast?
my anxiety level is through the roof again. Although, I do tend to believe he isn't in contact with her because she would flaunt it if they were...and I have no other indication that he is.
    ARG, I feel like I just took one hundred steps back.
Female BS, D-day 1/03/2017, 
I'm going to rebuild me like a remix,

and raise my soul like a Phoenix 
Quote 0 0
anthropoidape
It isn't great. It does suggest he has relaxed a lot and there's some positive in that; it suggests he is being quite genuine and you can trust that what you see is what you get.
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
Quote 0 0
arizons
anthropoidape wrote:
It isn't great. It does suggest he has relaxed a lot and there's some positive in that; it suggests he is being quite genuine and you can trust that what you see is what you get.

I think your right. After getting to work and running the whole gamut of checking phone records online. which I am thankful produced nothing. And He has been very transparent on where he is and with whom and always answering the phone when I call. So, far he has always been where he says he is when and if I do check on him.
   Now I am just going to take a deep breath. I told him that I will give him a pass that he slipped...and we will just go from there. 
   I think I am still going to go to the gym and beat up a punching bag until I can't punch anymore.
Female BS, D-day 1/03/2017, 
I'm going to rebuild me like a remix,

and raise my soul like a Phoenix 
Quote 1 0
Keepabuzz
arizons wrote:
I think I am still going to go to the gym and beat up a punching bag until I can't punch anymore.


My purchase of my heavy bag was one of the best decisions I made. I can go into my basement and beat it until I can’t lift my arms. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
Quote 0 0
arizons
Keepabuzz wrote:


My purchase of my heavy bag was one of the best decisions I made. I can go into my basement and beat it until I can’t lift my arms. 

That is actually a fantastic idea! I think I am going to do that!
Female BS, D-day 1/03/2017, 
I'm going to rebuild me like a remix,

and raise my soul like a Phoenix 
Quote 0 0
ThrivenotSurvive
I hear you and totally understand that feeling of losing such carefully gained ground.  A couple of times in the last 19 months my husband has “gone stupid” and made a joke or said something about someone else’s situation that could easily be applied to our own and triggered the crap out of me.

Several times were in front of people and were silly jokes that would have been funny in the past - but were in very poor taste in the present.  In both of those cases it was pretty obvious he was nervous and most of his attention was being diverted to trying to deal with that - so without thinking he reverted to old jokes.  He was nervous because it was our first time around friends who knew everything and his discomfort grew exponentially when everyone looked dismayed - wildly uncomfortable for all.  He has since grown far better at thinking before talking.  

However a couple times were when we were alone and he wasn’t joking.  For example, we were talking one night about our daughter’s relationship (she’s 23).  She was struggling with feeling secure in it because she had been cheated on before, not to mention that when her father’s affair was revealed, she along with everyone was shocked.  No one saw it coming because we’d had a long and happy marriage.  So for her nothing seemed impossible any more.  

He was asking me what she and her BF had been scrabbling over and I told him she was having some trust issues.  Without thinking, he said (I kid you not) “That’s crazy. He’d be stupid to cheat on her - she’s totally out of his league.” 

When I looked at him like he’d grown two heads I realized that he had NO idea how that sounded to me.  So slowly, carefully trying not to devolve the conversation, I said “Many of our friends and family would say the same of you.  I don’t think someone’s success or attractiveness has a lot to do with why affairs happen.”  

He stumbled around trying to say that  our situation was totally different, he wasn’t talking about us, etc.  But again, as calmly as I could (because I was about 3 seconds from proving what a Irish/Scottish temper looks like) I said, “ Please take a step back and think about what you just said.  Explain to me what other interpretation there could possibly be other than if i had been significantly more attractive than you or more successful in your mind, you wouldn’t have cheated.  Which in effect, tells me you had devalued me to the point where my perceived value no longer “saved” me from the threat of infidelity.”  

To his credit, he stopped and thought about it and realized there was no other interpretation- but that it wasn’t really what he felt or meant. But he was just spouting a long held thought that he’d never really questioned.  My questioning him calmly and explaining without a ton of criticism and blame how I heard and perceived it was a beginning.  Over the months my husband has begun to question a lot of “beliefs” about people, value, relationships and everything else that he had - but realized he had never really thought through and whether when applied to him and the people he loved actually rang true.  

He is a really smart, creative man - but emotionally sometimes I think he’s in about 6th grade.  However his growth has been exponential since this experience.  He hated who he became.  

I shared all this to suggest that I think you should take what your husband said and his reaction to your being triggered seriously.  It seems (from the outside) a bit passive-aggressive.  That being said, when you can find a time to talk about it when you and he are in a calmer place, I think you need to address how that not only the joke made you feel - but was furthur escalated by how he handled your feelings about it.  I would ask him to dig a bit deeper and make sure that there wasn’t a little something more going on with him that made him make such a big misstep.  If he’s been passive-aggressive in the past, this could be a chance to stop the cycle from starting up again.  

Or or maybe it’s nothing and he caught a case of “stupid” - either way he needs to honor your feelings and the tremendous effects his words and actions carry now (even more than before). And figure out ways of preventing it in the future.  
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
Quote 2 0
Trinity
ThrivenotSurvive wrote:
I hear you and totally understand that feeling of losing such carefully gained ground.  

(because I was about 3 seconds from proving what a Irish/Scottish temper looks like) I said, “ Please take a step back and think about what you just said.  Explain to me what other interpretation there could possibly be other than if i had been significantly more attractive than you or more successful in your mind, you wouldn’t have cheated.  Which in effect, tells me you had devalued me to the point where my perceived value no longer “saved” me from the threat of infidelity.”  


I have been there too....  10 steps forward, 50 backward.  
It IS important to say things the best way possible for an advantageous outcome.  In the beginning it was very hard for me not to spew out of anger and utter sadness but now it is easier.  I with all of you with the "stupid" factor.

My husband will make comments about integrity, and honesty and it takes everything in my being to leave the comments that are ready to come out,   inside.  I find it weird that he does not make the connection.  Inside I am saying, Really...???  YOU...  YOU have comments on honesty and integrity ???  but that stays inside because we all know where that will lead.  

Thrive - I chuckled at you Irish/Scottish temper, you do have me beat there but I have an Italian/Polish temper from New Jersey and that is just a HOT MESS !!!  😉

"T"
BS - DDay July 2017

O GOD, take me, break me, make me. 
Quote 2 0
arizons
ThrivenotSurvive wrote:
I hear you and totally understand that feeling of losing such carefully gained ground.  A couple of times in the last 19 months my husband has “gone stupid” and made a joke or said something about someone else’s situation that could easily be applied to our own and triggered the crap out of me.

Several times were in front of people and were silly jokes that would have been funny in the past - but were in very poor taste in the present.  In both of those cases it was pretty obvious he was nervous and most of his attention was being diverted to trying to deal with that - so without thinking he reverted to old jokes.  He was nervous because it was our first time around friends who knew everything and his discomfort grew exponentially when everyone looked dismayed - wildly uncomfortable for all.  He has since grown far better at thinking before talking.  

However a couple times were when we were alone and he wasn’t joking.  For example, we were talking one night about our daughter’s relationship (she’s 23).  She was struggling with feeling secure in it because she had been cheated on before, not to mention that when her father’s affair was revealed, she along with everyone was shocked.  No one saw it coming because we’d had a long and happy marriage.  So for her nothing seemed impossible any more.  

He was asking me what she and her BF had been scrabbling over and I told him she was having some trust issues.  Without thinking, he said (I kid you not) “That’s crazy. He’d be stupid to cheat on her - she’s totally out of his league.” 

When I looked at him like he’d grown two heads I realized that he had NO idea how that sounded to me.  So slowly, carefully trying not to devolve the conversation, I said “Many of our friends and family would say the same of you.  I don’t think someone’s success or attractiveness has a lot to do with why affairs happen.”  

He stumbled around trying to say that  our situation was totally different, he wasn’t talking about us, etc.  But again, as calmly as I could (because I was about 3 seconds from proving what a Irish/Scottish temper looks like) I said, “ Please take a step back and think about what you just said.  Explain to me what other interpretation there could possibly be other than if i had been significantly more attractive than you or more successful in your mind, you wouldn’t have cheated.  Which in effect, tells me you had devalued me to the point where my perceived value no longer “saved” me from the threat of infidelity.”  

To his credit, he stopped and thought about it and realized there was no other interpretation- but that it wasn’t really what he felt or meant. But he was just spouting a long held thought that he’d never really questioned.  My questioning him calmly and explaining without a ton of criticism and blame how I heard and perceived it was a beginning.  Over the months my husband has begun to question a lot of “beliefs” about people, value, relationships and everything else that he had - but realized he had never really thought through and whether when applied to him and the people he loved actually rang true.  

He is a really smart, creative man - but emotionally sometimes I think he’s in about 6th grade.  However his growth has been exponential since this experience.  He hated who he became.  

I shared all this to suggest that I think you should take what your husband said and his reaction to your being triggered seriously.  It seems (from the outside) a bit passive-aggressive.  That being said, when you can find a time to talk about it when you and he are in a calmer place, I think you need to address how that not only the joke made you feel - but was furthur escalated by how he handled your feelings about it.  I would ask him to dig a bit deeper and make sure that there wasn’t a little something more going on with him that made him make such a big misstep.  If he’s been passive-aggressive in the past, this could be a chance to stop the cycle from starting up again.  

Or or maybe it’s nothing and he caught a case of “stupid” - either way he needs to honor your feelings and the tremendous effects his words and actions carry now (even more than before). And figure out ways of preventing it in the future.  

thank you so much for sharing this. I am beginning to see it as being a case of "Stupid" but I agree...I think I will pick a good time just to sit and talk with him about it. we are all human and "stupid" can and will happen...but your right...its how they respond after stupid happens that matters.
Female BS, D-day 1/03/2017, 
I'm going to rebuild me like a remix,

and raise my soul like a Phoenix 
Quote 2 0
ThrivenotSurvive
Oh Trinity you just gave me the single best belly laugh I have had in a while.  My husband occasionally does the same thing!  Not long ago he was going on about someone else’s integrity and caught sight of mine and my daughter’s somewhat bemused expressions.  He had the fortitude to laugh at his own self and say sheepishly “Well, I am kind of an expert now.  I had it, I lost it, and I’ve had to claw my way back to it - so I know exactly how stupid they are acting.” Just acknowledging the elephant in the room took the pressure off and we all got a good laugh.  

But there are other times he seems oblivious to the utter irony of the situation and I have to bite my tongue... so hard.  If I said half the stuff my mind comes up with - it would get ugly for all involved.  And I’ve had enough ugliness for a lifetime.  

I only want to love well and be loved well.  For as long as that can be my husband, I will be there hand and hand with him.  And I hope that is a lifetime.  But I will never allow myself to be devalued again.  Ever. 
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
Quote 2 0