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Be_amazing
Trinity wrote:


Your WS is in contact with the AP ??  Recently ??  For what purpose is their contact ??

"T"

he was obviously missing her. Went NC for 2 months prior, then he told me at first AP rejected her (her ex bf told me she’s the type that is easily convinced) then I found out she was really open to give their relationship another shot. I hate to say this but my WS still sees her as a perfect person. Can you say fog still? 
BS-
Together 20yrs, Married 11
3 children 
DDAY 9/2017, 10/2017, 2/2018
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MITM
Be_amazing wrote:

he was obviously missing her. Went NC for 2 months prior, then he told me at first AP rejected her (her ex bf told me she’s the type that is easily convinced) then I found out she was really open to give their relationship another shot. I hate to say this but my WS still sees her as a perfect person. Can you say fog still? 

I'm not even sure this qualifies as "fog", really. It's really simple, I think: It doesn't matter if he's missing her. It doesn't matter if she's open to giving things another shot. She was perfectly willing to get involved in blowing up someone else's marriage and life, so she's a long way from being a perfect person. All of this is why "no contact" means no contact. For R to have a real chance at succeeding, that's condition #1, and it should be absolute and non-negotiable.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh and unforgiving. But he's married. He's supposed to be reconciling with you. And this backsliding is not OK.
Male BS
D-Day Jan 2018
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Keepabuzz
Be_amazing wrote:


This is a very unfortunate position for us BS. However, I could only imagine which is easier--I have a friend who is in the process of divorce because her WS is a serial cheater, she reminds me its difficult too. My WS and I discussed staying for the kids--but if the disconnect between you and WS is obvious don't you think the kids pick up on that. In my case, my WS was just in contact (via phone/text) I didn't know this as he was lying for a month until I finally pressed him, he said yes they have been in contact. So for a week he slept in the kids room while the kids slept with me- the kids (at least my oldest who is 10) picked up on this. I agree, betrayal is the worst feeling ever.


I wasn’t willing to “stay for the kids” forever. I was willing to give reconsilation “a chance” for my kids. If I was not able to provide a stable, happy home life for my kids, with happy parents within a reasonable amount of time, I would have left. 

Im certain my kids know “something” happened, and they know Mommy did it, and it was a very big deal. After I left on d-day, my kids all texted me non-stop until 4 in the morning. They were in the same house as my wife, and didn’t speak a word to her. They were worried that I was going to divorce her and they would be forced to live with her, and they wanted to live with me.  
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Keepabuzz
If my wife had broken NC even one single time, there would have been no yelling, no argument, no discussion. My bags would have been packed, and I would have been gone in a matter of minutes. I would have begun execution of my exit plan, and the first stop would have been my lawyers office. From that point forward the only communication I would have had with her would have been in regards to our children, and via text or email only. 

My plan is still in place, 2.5 years later. I will always keep it on place. I won’t go through this again. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Trinity
Keepabuzz wrote:
My plan is still in place, 2.5 years later. I will always keep it on place. I won’t go through this again. 


Nor will I.  We walk on both sides of a silken and fragile thread.  

"T"
BS - DDay July 2017

O GOD, take me, break me, make me. 
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MITM
Trinity wrote:


Nor will I.  We walk on both sides of a silken and fragile thread.  

"T"

Nor will I. Life is, quite simply, too short.
Male BS
D-Day Jan 2018
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Be_amazing
Matt & T...I do see now looking back I should have set firmer boundaries and sometimes I feel I made it all to easy. Unfortunately, I am where I am now... there’s only one way to look is forward. Unless you think otherwise, if there is any thing I can do.
BS-
Together 20yrs, Married 11
3 children 
DDAY 9/2017, 10/2017, 2/2018
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Keepabuzz
It’s never too late to set boundaries. I would set them very clear with very clear consequences. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Trinity
Keepabuzz wrote:
It’s never too late to set boundaries. I would set them very clear with very clear consequences. 


Agreed !!!  I feel it is completely necessary for you to do as well.  It can't hurt.  If anything, it gives you both clarity and hopefully will move your relationship forward and with direction.  

"T"
BS - DDay July 2017

O GOD, take me, break me, make me. 
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MITM
Be_amazing wrote:
Matt & T...I do see now looking back I should have set firmer boundaries and sometimes I feel I made it all to easy. Unfortunately, I am where I am now... there’s only one way to look is forward. Unless you think otherwise, if there is any thing I can do.

You know, I've often wondered about the boundaries question. Was I too lax? Did i not make things clear enough? Maybe. But it does seem to me that if you're operating in good faith, you shouldn't need to have those kinds of boundaries pointed out to you. For example, my work brings me into regular contact with various women. Quite a few have become friends, and certainly some are single as well.
Male BS
D-Day Jan 2018
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blyrobin51



Nor will I.  We walk on both sides of a silken and fragile thread. 

 

im with both of you....my head is on a swivel.    I am a changed woman.  I will not be the same.  I hope to be able to see him in high regard like I used too- but i doubt it.   This has shifted the axis....

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Be_amazing
MattInTheMountains wrote:

You know, I've often wondered about the boundaries question. Was I too lax? Did i not make things clear enough? Maybe. But it does seem to me that if you're operating in good faith, you shouldn't need to have those kinds of boundaries pointed out to you. For example, my work brings me into regular contact with various women. Quite a few have become friends, and certainly some are single as well. But I simply would not allow any of those friendships to become inappropriately close. That's not a boundary that I ever needed to have made explicit for me. It's innate - I would not do it, because that would amount to a betrayal of my spouse - and of the promises and commitments that I made in good faith.

Now of course, I suppose all bets are off on that score. But I find I have another boundary, which is that I'm not exactly in the best emotional shape right now to be pursuing some other relationship - that would be fair on neither her, or me. And I'm still married, at least technically. So I'm not free to do that, and I don't expect that I will be for quite a long time.


Boundaries...I feel if you have to hide it/anything from you spouse then thats a red flag. I read (and it might be you that posted) how being financially independent one is able to move out. I'd love to do that too but that would mean moving my kids out of the family home.
I totally agree with you on pursuing another relationship, I've thought about that throughout this whole ordeal but at the end of the day, Im still technically married, and would go against what I believe.
BS-
Together 20yrs, Married 11
3 children 
DDAY 9/2017, 10/2017, 2/2018
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MITM
Be_amazing wrote:

Boundaries...I feel if you have to hide it/anything from you spouse then thats a red flag. I read (and it might be you that posted) how being financially independent one is able to move out. I'd love to do that too but that would mean moving my kids out of the family home.
I totally agree with you on pursuing another relationship, I've thought about that throughout this whole ordeal but at the end of the day, Im still technically married, and would go against what I believe.

Thanks, Be_amazing. I guess I just got lucky, really, in that I had somewhere to go.

One thing I have decided is this: In my next home (which is obviously going to be much-reduced in size), I'm going to have a completely open-door policy for close friends and family, especially anyone who's going through a personal crisis. They might wind up having to fight over the sofa-bed. But they'll be welcome under my roof, any time.
Male BS
D-Day Jan 2018
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Keepabuzz
I left after my wife confessed, but came home after a few days because my kids were freaking out. I had a place to go, actually I had multiple options of places to go, and I can’t express how much I appreciated them, even though I didnt actually use any any of them. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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