Listen guys, I don't know about all that. I know I've been a dirt bag. A major piece of crap.
I accepted physical favors paid for by a friend at my bachelor party, then lied about it for 14 years.
I made out with my wife's sister
while we were both really drunk, and concealed it for 12 years.
I made out with a girl at a tailgate while drunk, and concealed it for 8 years.
I met a girl at a bar while drunk and made out with her in an alley, an event that included manual genital contact. I hid that for 3 or 4 years. (so drunk I'm not sure what year it was).
I had sex while drunk at another tailgate party, and hid it for 3 years. (pattern....?)
I met a woman on experience project in a forum dedicated to sexless marriage (and it was, for 2 years). Instead of working hard to repair the marriage or divorcing, I chose to cheat. We talked online for a long time and it escalated. We met once and had sex. I was not drunk. We never met again, but I started talking to her again when my wife cheated on me because...get this: I needed support.
My wife did what she did in 2015 over a period of a few months. It's what led me to owning my role in our spiraling marriage.
Finally after nearly winning my wife back from separation in January of this year, I became enraged at her continued online dating profiles, and I encountered several other things that I interpreted to mean she was sexually active outside the house. She was adamant nothing had happened, but I had entered the fog and stopped listening. I responded by texting with multiple women & having a short revenge affair with one that culminated with oral sex.
I concealed most of this. Then I trickled it all out over months. I only spilled the beans when my wife smartly insisted on a polygraph. Then I gave it all up under duress. I have not done anything right. As smart as I thought I was, I am stupider than most.
The fact that she has all this knowledge & is still with me in any capacity is a miracle to me. I have one small chance. One breathless whisper of hope, and that involves navigating this situation correctly and not letting pride interfere with my end goal. I love her
. I want to be the husband she deserves. I have to make a fundamental change in myself so that I will not cheat on her ever again. It will be hard, but I am committed. I just wish I could show my wife my heart and she could see that I am truly contrite and working to change.
How do I change? Well, I am searching for that. I know that many people try and most fail. I know that in my whole life, you strangers are the only people with one ounce of faith that I will be successful & you don't even know me. Still, I will move forward. I will keep up with IC, I am going for psychological testing to understand better what makes me tick. I am looking for concrete steps I can take to effect change. I will do anything and brave any obstacle if it means reaching my goal of having her as my loving committed partner again.
I can say the word CHANGE as loud as I want though. It's what I DO now that matters. Honestly, I am not sure what to do. I am searching for a path that will produce the fundamental change I seek. Any advice or resources on that kind of change are very very welcome.