DBingWill2017
I was trying to retrieve pics I had taken with my husbands cell phone when I discovered her picture his AP.  When I asked him who she was he brushed it off as a client (insurance sales) and that he often put their pics next to their names in his contact so that he can recall who they are when they call him.  I have never in 24 years of marriage ever suspected my husband and trusted him implicitly.  2 weeks later while using his computer a notification popped up saying that his package had been sent to an address a block away from my home.  I googled the name it was sent to and low and behold it was a picture of the same woman that was on his phone.  Even at that time he tried to convince me she was just his friend from the gym. Sadly and naively I accepted it.  I then checked his phone records and discovered that he was on the phone with this woman daily and at all hours of the night.  Since she was only one block away and I knew her address I stupidly visited her apartment and she told me they had been only friends.  He moved out and continued to see her through April the day before he decided to come home, although he had assured me and my family that it ended in January. I also discovered that he was helping her with renovations to a new condo she bought.  His affair went undetected for months and he has expressed his love to her in an email I found. Since he came home I have found evidence of his continued contact with her.. which he denies emphatically, says he will never cheat again.many smoking guns but no body.  His cruelty and the things he says to me since coming home - such you have no dignity.....that his unhappiness with me is why he had an affair has escalated....now says he wants separation but no divorce and wont go to marriage counseling.  He also still has a password on his phone several email addresses and his own bank account that I only discovered in August.  Says he wont be punished for his transgression.  He has made no effort for transparency or full disclosure, in fact I'm not allowed to bring her up or he threatens to leave.  His AP emailed me telling me that I have no dignity and that she knows him better than me and I'm an embarrassment to all women this after I made him text her that it was over upon discovering an invoice for construction material, and I threatened to leave if he didn't contact her and tell her it was over via text which he did.    He complied but still treats me cold and indifferently, we don't even sleep in the same bed anymore. It's been 9 months of hell and I wonder if they are both right.  I have no dignity. Why am I still here?  25 years in December.  I need a good therapist.
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TimT
DBingWill2017 wrote:
[He] says he wont be punished for his transgression.  He has made no effort for transparency or full disclosure, in fact I'm not allowed to bring her up or he threatens to leave...
I hope you don't mind, but I lifted this quote from your post and included in the article I just released dealing, at least in part, with the questions you raised. Read it here: It's Good To Be Broken
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PaperWalls
I think you need to try and look at this with an outside perspective. If he isn't willing to help or do or change anything for you to try and make you feel safe and comfortable then I don't see how he can ever stop himself from letting this happen again.

As far as telling you that you have no dignity, that would be an instant ender for me. Full stop. Sometimes i struggle with feeling that way myself, that it is how she may view me sometimes. She has never even so much as hinted at it, and even reassures me by telling me how she thinks of me as being strong for trying to stay and face it.

Even with her appearing to do everything right since DDay I'm still struggling with trying to get past this and stick it out. It would be absolutely impossible if I wasn't getting complete cooperation from the WS.

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surviving
DBingWill2017 - "he threatens to leave," so what is stopping him.  I would help him pack.  His affair is still going on and he doesn't care what it does to you.  That is a deal breaker to me.  And, YOU have NO dignity.  What the heck?  Who cheated?  Not you.  Who has dignity?  YOU, not him.  Boy, is he confused and in the affair fog.  If it were me, his clothes would be in the front yard when he got home from work.  It would be a no-brainer for me.  I am so sorry you are here, but you will get great encouragement from others that are going through what you are going through right now.  Take care of yourself.  Be brave!  You can do it!
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surviving
TimT - very helpful article.  Thanks!
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DBingWill2017
I'm trying to be brave. It's been a 9 month struggle with a spouse who shows little to no remorse. I'm so tired. Tired of being hurt suspicious and just always so sad.  The Holidays are coming and I even learned that he took her to Rockefeller Center to see the tree in Manhattan something we did as a family on occasion with our kids.....he has ruined so many things for me at this point.   My life has been irrevocably changed forever.  Everything I thought was real.......well must move on and accept what is.  Thank you all for your support.  The article was very insightful Mr. Tedder and I hope that the quote from my post can help someone.  Mr. Tedder does medical insurance cover your phone sessions?     
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TimT
No, sorry, insurance does not cover phone coaching.
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PaperWalls
surviving wrote:
TimT - very helpful article.  Thanks!


Agreed. I shared this instantly with my WS. She has shown remorse already, but I think it will help her see where I'm coming from with some of the things I try and say.
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anthropoidape
surviving wrote:
DBingWill2017 - "he threatens to leave," so what is stopping him.  I would help him pack. 


Hell yeah. 

You absolutely must not just take the abuse they are dishing out.  You do not deserve that treatment. Please get out of that situation as soon as you can manage it.
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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Keepabuzz
I will echo others here. He had an affair, he accepts ZERO responsibility for it. Blames you for it. Has continued the affair. Continues to treat you with cruelty and distain. Clearly still betraying you emotionally, physically, financially. Wow. 

You have given him a second chance he did not deserve, and he clearly has abused that as well. Time to stop the abuse, go see an attorney, do it right to protect yourself and throw him out and move on. You serve so much better than this. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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DBingWill2017
Thank you for all the support and strength all of your comments help. My self-esteem has taken quite a blow. I am still in shock after all these months that my husband of 24 years would do something so heinous to me. In 1 million years I never thought he would’ve cheated on me. I never so much as checked his cell phone his computer anything ever because I so trusted him. It’s as though someone has died I don’t know this man anymore. I think the most humiliating part is when his affair partner contacted me via email telling me that I am an embarrassment to all women And do I believe he will stay with me out of obligation and that I never really knew my husband the way she has even though she’s only been with him for a few months. I’m still shellshocked. I never responded. I’m trying to work on my inner strength I know that there is no way this is a healthy relationship anymore and that I need to move forward. I am grateful to all of you your comments and believe it or not it is giving me strength.
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Negarcia


DBingWill2017
I understand when you say it was humiliating for her to contact you because when I found out about my WS affair I called his AP with the intention of asking why she thought what she was doing was okay and i just wanted to have a women to women conversation, OH boy was I stupid- she preceded to tell me that he would not be cheating on me if I was a better wife and that he loved her and not me, that they were meant to be together and that I needed to stop begging him to come home, and she said the same thing - that I had no idea who he was and that he was only with me for the kids - and that he would never cheat on her because he actually loved her (what a joke).  Before she hung up on me she told me I needed to get checked for STD's because she had one and he probably got it from me, hahahah really.  I was very upset and was like how could she say that to me if she(and my WS) are the ones who are doing this to my family?  I did get to tell her that she had no clue who I was and that she was basing her judgement on me based on what my WS said to her but I was basing my judgement on the way she treated me on the phone.  It took me a while to really see it for what it was but now looking back I laugh because she is the one who has the issues, I look back and see how she has no self respect for herself so I can not expect her to have some for me. She was the one begging my husband to be with her with her constant phone calls but he didn't say no and allowed the behaviors, he actually yelled at me for calling her and he didn't care what she said to me.  Its an illusion they build for themselves built one lies and deceit.
I know we are not perfect but if she had the guts to call you and yell at you its because your husband hasn't left you for her and probably kept  up with his empty promises and lies as well. 
The hardest thing for me has been letting go and it has been because of my fear, not sure why I am scared but its there.  I am also a fixer and would love to fix this all and make it go away.  but realistically I can't fix anything, that was his job as he is the broken one.  Even though the pain and hurt are there, I know that he is the broken one.  This has nothing to do with me not filling a void or me not doing something as a spouse, it is a void he has been trying to fill.  So anything I would have done differently wouldn't have mattered to him.  Its about him figuring himself out.   
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DBingWill2017
I must say I am astounded at women who don’t support other women. I have never touched looked at spoken to another woman’s husband boyfriend etc. in my 52 years I have made it my business to never do that. Not only does it show you obviously lack self respect but it shows you care nothing for other peoples feelings & lives. Anyone can be exciting vivacious and perfect in the first few months try hanging in there for 25 years of ups and downs all of their imperfections all of life‘s challenges. Don’t these men know that they are in a honeymoon period and soon it will be over. Soon you will see all her imperfections .....you won’t have a history together you won’t have a proven friendship and time tested support. She will see your imperfections as well....Will she still think you’re a king? I am amazed at the way men/woman cast aside their relationships for something new and exciting so easily. The one thing that resonates in your post is that they are broken they need to fix themselves this is not a reflection of the wife I was but a reflection of a poor choice he made. It is never a good choice to lie and deceive and my husband to have the nerve to be annoyed with me for contacting her which turned out to be a waste of time because she lied straight to my face and told me no she was not having a few with my husband. What do you expect from a woman that sleeps with other women’s husbands someone truthful and honest? I realize I don’t have time to analyze the mind of a woman who would try to break up a family or my husband’s sickness and need to cheat and lie. I need to focus on healing myself and moving forward. Yes I am also frightened of the future 25 years a long time to be with one man. Did I mention I was a virgin when I got married for Gods sake! 😔 we deserve loyalty honor respect and love.  If they cannot love us the way we deserve to be loved then we must find the strength to move on. Every day I feel a little bit stronger just a little but it’s the start.Thank you for sharing your story with me. It gives me strength to know that unfortunately I am not alone.
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anthropoidape
People who have affairs are emotionally and/or morally defective. Some might be fixable, I don't know. But not supporting others of their gender is barely scratching the surface of what is wrong with them.

Everything you say is right. There are better things ahead for you. Good luck. 
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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