violet
Can anyone tell me whats it like when someone is starting to get out of the FOG or the withdrawal symptoms. Other than the consistent positive changes, the vacillation that lately has been increasing(in my favor), the consistent on and off with the OW, spending more time at home. I see him trying (He made that choice)..but he is not protecting himself....What can I do? How can I tell this is real? How long will this last? After 10 days/ or if something bad happens he starts staring into space and is uncomfortable like an addict. I feel sorry for him because I see him trying, But Im also drained.
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TimT
It is difficult, perhaps impossible, to distinguish between a permanent return to the marriage and another momentary return in the back-and-forth cycle. The betrayed spouse often experiences them as the same (statements of intent/commitment, emotional reconnection, hope). That is why I recommend maintaining boundaries and not re-entering the relationship until some time has passed to show that the change is permanent. This is not only good for you, but for the wayward spouse as well because it does the no good to ping-pong between spouse and affair partner.

To maintain boundaries when the spouse seems to be saying, "I want our marriage" is hard to do because you fear that if you don't quickly join in the effort they may go back to the affair partner. But that is exactly why you should not re-engage. If their commitment is so tentative that it can be undone simply because you do not quickly join them again, then it is too weak to withstand the emotional tests that are certainly going to come in any recovery process.

In your case, since you are already working together, continue to try, but don't do his work for him. Be honest about the distancing you perceive and ask if there is anything you can do. Invite him back into the process, but if he swings back to the affair again establish healthy boundaries that do not allow reconnection until his commitment is more certain. It should not be so easy for him to win you back. (I'm not suggesting that you play a hard-to-get manipulative game, but I AM suggesting that the very nature or healthy boundaries will cause him to work at coming back to the marriage, which is good for both of you.)
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violet
Thank you so much TimT. He has been distant lately and I have a feeling he's back at it. He asked for sex again this morning and this is the 3rd day I have declined him. He knows the reasons I decline. Lately, He has been respectful of my choices but he kind of got mad this morning non verbally but after a few hours he continued to reconnect with me. We have learned no to spray hurtful words at each other and we have learned to close our mouths when our argument is going nowhere, we have also learned to not take it too personally that we need to stop talking/avoiding for days. A lot of good changes in our relationship but he can't seem to let go of the OW, and he does not talk about it, so I don't push because I want to build a connection. My only boundary is Sex- because this affects him, He uses it as a tool to connect with me, it works for us but after a week or so he stares into space again. Our good days together have been longer and his positive changes towards other aspects of his life has been consistent. I feel that he is weaning this woman out of the situation but he feels for her.
My question is are there any other boundaries that you can suggest???? Being cold/ just stick it to business approach does not work for us it causes him to distance more. One of his love languages is good communication. The more happy times with me the more he stays close, and were actually learning to have fun together again, just a safe, non-judgmental environment. So please tell me what I can do, healthy boundaries for a person who at the moment doesn't want to talk about the affair.
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Guiltguilt
I could not imagine asking my wife for sex post Dday. I can only imagine a BS would be sickened by the request.
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TimT
violet: I hesitate to give too much specific advice because there is too much about your situation I don't know, but generally if all indications over a period of time demonstrate a letting go of the affair partner and a commitment to the marriage (even if they are dealing with emotional residue) I would be encouraging a careful release of boundaries, not adding to them. You will have to determine the level of vulnerability you are willing to risk. 
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