Negarcia
I met my husband 11 years ago in culinary school. I had just recently broke up with my BF of 5 years and wasn't ready for a relationship, so we remained friends. After a while we realized we wanted to be more than friends so we started dating but when he would get upset with me he would mess around with another classmate but we were just dating not in a relationship. We stayed friends and I was by his side when his mom passed away and any other hardships he had. We were always there for each other. I had to leave for 4 months to go to my internship in Italy. While I was in Italy he told me he loved me and he wanted me in his life forever. I was super happy but still scared he would mess around with the other girl because I wasn't around but I felt relived and didn't feel like I had to worry. Fast forward a year later, we were married and had our first daughter. When she was 6 months I found out he cheated with his ex. (He left his email open and she had sent him.an email about how amazing it was) instead of apologizing he was angry and yelled at me about looking at his personal items. I was pissed, sad, depressed but had to move forward but always carried that resentment. So after that it kind of got swept under the rug so fast forward to August 2014. I found out he cheated again with a coworker but did know to what extent until now (It was a 3 year affair) during that affair I had my son and he supposedly tried to fix our relationship in the sense of getting us to be more intimate or together in some way. I never saw it. He changed jobs and now works over 4 hours away, the plan was for us to move closer to him once everything was settled but we never did, he always came up with excuses. I know he was depressed because he was away from the family but never knew to what extent. This December 2015 I found out he had been cheating again. He denied it and said just friends but I saw the number on his phone and called it and she confirmed the affair. He lied to her about me and told her we were getting a divorce when he had never mentioned it to me. Then she is the one that told me that he had been cheating on me for 4 years with the other coworker and now her. I'm soo heartbroken and want to save our marriage but then I don't because he has so many issues with himself he needs to deal with. He stated doing drugs to cope with them and make them go away. He started acting very different angry, not wanting me to touch him, or even when I talk to him it always makes him angry. He's never happy. Unless he's with AP, I know it's because it's an escape but he has gone to a lawyer instead of trying counseling or anything to better himself. We have 3 children and one on the way. He told his AP that I got pregnant on purpose to try and keep him, all while he knew I was on birth control. I am so lost but need to make myself better and need to stop focusing on him. I don't know what to do. Let him go and figure out what he wants with out nagging him and telling him what he's doing wrong? Too much in my head.
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Kalmarjan
It's tough the spot you are in. There are so many variables here - it's like that person in your cooking class that is supposed to make risotto for your project to demonstrate the steps, but wants to also put truffles and blue die in it so the salmon will "pop" out on the plate. (True story - I lived that horror!) 

I'm going to level with you here. You went to culinary school and staged in Italy (So jealous!) I'm going to explain it to you like I am your chef. 

Think of your situation like being on line with your crew, and your husband is the garnish and you are the meat guy. You call the bills to the line, and he finishes the plates before they go to the pass. The two of you are a team and usually bang it out quickly. 

Unfortunately, your husband loses it in service when he is faced with adversity. When sh!t comes to shove, you have learned a few times that he isn't there for you, and service flounders, backs up while your plates stay on the pass under the lamps and die that heat lamp death while he struggles to keep up. The chef is yelling because the servers are waiting, and you look over and see your husband mucking around helping the salad guy.  

It's at this point that you want things to succeed, and time and time again he goes off, even though it's you that he is supposed to be with.  So, you have no choice but to pick up his slack, kick him off and go it alone. 

In the kitchen we say that if someone is in your way, you work through them. 


This is almost that same thing. In order for your health and well being to succeed here, you will need to work on yourself. You need to make yourself okay with whatever happens here, and be in a place where while you can't control what your husband does, you can at least make yourself able to function and get along without him. You need to get to a place where you don't NEED him in order to make service happen, but it would be GREAT to have him there, because you BOTH WANT to be there. 

It's there (and on a kitchen team too) that the magic begins to happen. 

Communication is essential to this. Setting boundaries is important. The guy has already cheated on your three times. That's three times when you looked to him to be your rock, and caught the bastard helping the salad section out when you were in the juice and needed him the most. The problem here is that he thinks all is well because you keep letting him do it because you are afraid that if he leaves, the whole team will suffer. 

But you are already suffering because you fear what will happen if he leaves. Well, I can guarantee you one thing, he won't cheat on you if he does, because he will be gone. But, if you want him there, I counsel you to do the same thing I would if I saw you having this problem in the kitchen - I'd make you guys talk it out. If its not acceptable what he is doing, then put that limit down. No, you will not go off and play in the salad section buddy. I need you here with me, and if you can't commit to that, then I'll work around you, no problem, until we find someone who will work with me.

I hope that this ramble helps somewhat. 
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Negarcia
Kal

I totally understand what you are saying. I guess my fear is that hevwont be here for the kids but that might be a cover up in my control right? I need to let go and set those boundries. It's his choice what he decides to do with us or with out us.

Thank you
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Kalmarjan
Negarcia wrote:
Kal

I totally understand what you are saying. I guess my fear is that hevwont be here for the kids but that might be a cover up in my control right? I need to let go and set those boundries. It's his choice what he decides to do with us or with out us.

Thank you


And a marriage is like a line crew. When someone steps up and does your job and theirs too, you usually smarten up. At least I did when my wife made herself completely okay with continuing on without me.
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