canadien2499
Hello guys;
So, My wife Now has a No Contact policy with the AP but she says that she can not stop the feelings she has for the other man; he provided the attention and emotional support that I could not provide her.

She says I can not stop her feelings for him; So, what do you guys propose I say in this particular context; she says that you have a big shoes to fill.
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Vanessa
Canadien - this is going to be hard to hear but if you were my brother or loved one I would urge you to say "goodbye"

You don't seem to have anything to work with here - she is NOT remorseful - she is not deeply sorry for the hurt she has caused - in fact she is still actively pretending that YOU, not she, are/is the "bad guy" in this situation.  She, as the perpetrator of this assault, betrayal (many words fit here), is continuing to try to convince you that YOU are the problem.  The choices she made are the problem.  What ever your shortcomings (and we ALL have shortcomings) they do NOT justify her behavior.  Perhaps a long heart felt conversations would have been appropriate, maybe a request for councelling, heck maybe even an ultimatum that if things didn't change that divorce would be a option.  But she did not do those things, she lied to your face, tricked you in to continuing to invest in her while she persued other options and kept you in the dark about the realities of your life.

She wants you a loyal, non cheating spouse to "fill the shoes" of a person who willingly got romantically and physically involved with a married woman?  People of integrity don't do that so why would you WANT to fill such filthy shoes?

If someone walks away from you - let them go - don't ever beg anyone to love you.  You deserve better than that.  Know YOUR worth!
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canadien2499
She is comparing mundane things to make a conclusion that I am not a good husband; in the weekend I forgot to buy a gift for her for Mothers day and she says that see the other guy would not forget such a thing; even baby gets a monthly birthday cake that I can not keep up with.

I was taking care of baby, buying grocery and doing taxes; even helped with cleaning the house in the weekend but she sees none of that and says that I waste time using phone and computer while in reality I was waiting for her to finish cooking so we can sit and spend some quality time together. She says that I need to mature as a person and learn to pay attention and make connection with her.

She says that I am forgetful when it comes to important dates; and I tell her that we celebrate our anniversary, birthdays; How do I make her understand? that I care and stop making negative remarks.

Ultimately; other guy remembered all her important dates, and religious stuff that I can not keep up with and she says that I need to do better than him to improve emotional connection with her.
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BlindCheetah

Um, she wants a gift this soon after an affair? Reconciliation is a huge gift she doesn’t deserve and will require a lot more work than she is willing to do right now. 

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ThrivenotSurvive

Affair aside, She takes no responsibility for her half of the marriage.  She is quick to point out your deficiencies but seems to own none of her own.  She is the immature one and I feel that she is taking advantage of your clear desire to save the marriage.  Then when you ADD to this that:

1) she is the one that had another man’s baby without telling you
2) conducted an ongoing emotional affair
3) had the affair WITH a man who has his own family (so she took attention that rightfully belonged to HIS WIFE)
4) has no remorse for any of the above and says it is YOUR job to do enough to make her love you more??   

Can you see how selfish and immature this woman is?  I am not saying that you shouldn’t try hard to meet your spouse’s needs - you should.  You should try to please them in the ways that matter to them even if they don’t make sense to you (like gifts) - BUT that is a two way street.  She should be going out of HER way to please you.  To show sorrow for hurting you, to rebuild your trust.  She should be making an effort to bridge the gap she says exists between you emotionally.  Not comparing your every word and movement to someone else.

 I’d tell her fine - you’ve made it clear I am not enough and never will be.  I will release you from this marriage so I can find someone who loves me and the home I provide. 


Right now you seem completely unwilling to give up on her - and she seems to be well aware of it and is using it against you to take no responsibility for what she has done - or the lack of love or respect she is showing now. 

BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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hurting
I’m sorry what? YOU have big shoes to fill? LOL. Here is someone totally talking out of their ass.

You don’t need to work to be enough for her. SHE needs to try to be enough for you. And she will likely fail. No matter what she tries, no matter how hard she tries, what she needs to face is that because of what she has done, SHE will never be quite good enough for YOU. 

Please stop trying so hard for her. She doesn’t deserve it. YOU don’t deserve this. 

It’s rare for me to get so riled up nowadays... but wow. She really takes the cake in being a completely blind, selfish, thoughtless and cruel b!tch. Just... wow. 

If she wants to go so badly, let her. You deserve so much more than this. You don’t need to damn well get her anything. She should be on her knees begging you to not kick her ass out!!!

Forgetful about important dates?! She has just killed every single important date you may have shared previously. Even those of us who have successfully reconciled don’t generally celebrate our ‘important dates’ any more- and that’s POST RECONCILIATION!! This isn’t a marriage any more... she’s literally disrespecting every single thing that your marriage stood for and is continuing to do so.

I’m all for attempting reconciliation. I really am... but I am NOT for This. I would honestly head to your lawyer and get your divorce papers written up. She has absolutely NO concept of what she has done, no remorse and is not accepting responsibility.

WHY do you want this to work out so badly? I can understand that some may want to ‘win’ back what was taken from them. I can understand if a spouse is remorseful and you share a lot of history together. I can understand it in many cases... but I cannot here. Are there family pressures that are adding to this? 
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stillme
I'm not sure if anyone ever used this term before, but you are describing an abusive relationship. Abuse isn't just physical and emotional/psychological abuse can be just as damaging as physical or financial abuse. To protect your own sanity, you need to start making plans to get out of this relationship. I'm not even going to try to make is sound pretty, you need to go for your own mental health. 
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canadien2499
Hello there Guys;
From the VAR recording I heard; It seems the other guy was telling her how to talk to me and how to manage the situation; My Marriage councilor said that the other guy had a narcissist personality and was manipulating my wife to do certain things and she was under his control totally; My job she says is to unravel the tangle she is got herself into.

For him To take control of my wife; The first trick was to learn everything about her and then use that information to imitate behavior that my wife was attracted to like remembering important dates, and enjoying multiple activities like Christmas holiday, barbecue and vacation, and having someone she can share stuff with; he was able to do all that because they both presented the relation as Tonic friendship and I had no reason to doubt my wife as he was a family friend.

My wife says that every person is good at certain thing and she sees me doing good at finding good deals on items, I am not good at being emotional and making connections; while the other guy is a ladies man and is good at emotional relation; he knows how to make emotional connection.

And that's where the gaslighting effect takes effect as she says he is such a great guy and does so much for her; and she starts comparing me to him. Initially she said that I was insecure because he was so successful in life and I was jealous of him. How do I make her understand that as her husband I have a right to be emotionally connected. She says this is something u have to earn by your actions and how you connect to me.

He has lots of friends and is very successful career wise so she gets stuck on that and he was coming to visit her and call her any time she requested;

So, my challenge is to make him lose his hold on her; even now she says that she feels for him so I know that he has an inside track on her; At least, Now I know that he is not helping my marriage an is not a true friend.

She says we should not talk about him anymore and I should focus on making an emotional connection with her; but she is acting and behaving just like him which is narssictic personality; How do I make her see that she is playing games with me? and just make her stop.
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BlindCheetah
Is she in counseling?
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Crushed
Maybe you should suggest that she go live with him.  Maybe he would lose some of his appeal if she saw how he reacts to real life. Taking care of baby all the time, taking care of all her demands, paying Bill's, buying groceries, cleaning, cooking,   also since he is married she would also see just how much he does care about her.  Does she think he is going to give up the life he has for her?  Is he going to support her and the baby?  How is she going to respond when he is with his family and she is all alone?  I'm sure that it will be a eye opener for her that he is just not as emotionally connected to her as she thinks.

You  need to respect yourself and enforce your boundaries.  What she is doing to you is not acceptable.  
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canadien2499
She does not believe in Counselling, she says that they would only judge her, and I would not have to work on things that made her make those choices; She wants both of us to work on our marriage.

She says that I need to learn what she needs and when she needs it; She says that she knows all my likes and dislikes; she has a pulse on my nature and the person that I am; She wants me to connect at the level where I can know what she wants and needs without asking.

Before I used to buy gifts too for our anniversary or birthday but she was always angry as she did not like the style or the item that I bought for her; So, after failing on many occasions I ask her what she wants but she says nothing; She says that I should know her choices after living so many years with her.

I am just confused as to what I can do or say to make her happy; She was glowing and smiling and so happy when talking to the other Guy; Its almost like a different person but she seems not happy around me and I am just searching for a miracle that would make her happy.

And I am getting triggered a lot for the last 8 months as very few details are revealed about how deep their relation had progressed without me putting VAR in her car or doing a DNA test; Am I wrong to be triggered?

How can I communicate more effectively while having doubts about the what exactly happened?
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surviving
canadien2499 - I don't think you are listening to what people are telling you.  You need to seek counseling for yourself and listen to what they say because you aren't listening here.  
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canadien2499
The other Guy is a total fake;
He has a condition with his wife that he does not have to look after their two daughters until they 11 year old; So, his wife is taking care of his parents and kids; she is doing all the grocery shopping while he was chatting with my wife; he is living an independent life from his wife;

he says that she is not emotionally connected to him; She is abusive to him by playing psychological games and he has given up on his marriage but he will not divorce her.

He is paying for his parents and sister to stay with him; and he was talking openly to my wife from his home; even his daughters who are 5 and 7 years old saw how close he was getting to my wife but nobody stopped him because he was the man of the house.

That's where my problem comes because he gave up on his marriage so does that give him free ride to do whatever with my life?
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Crushed
If you let him.  You need to stand up and tell her to choose.  Him or you.  She can not have both.  Until she can see him for  who he really is she will continue to idolize him and give him qualities that he does not have.  If she does choose him then she will get to see how his wife lives and it wont be long until he finds another to replace her.  Then she will see all the fantasy 
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BlindCheetah
You both need individual counseling, she is not close to ready for marriage counseling.  She has to make a choice if she chooses you she has a a lot of hard work to do.
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