Affair aside, She takes no responsibility for her half of the marriage. She is quick to point out your deficiencies but seems to own none of her own. She is the immature one and I feel that she is taking advantage of your clear desire to save the marriage. Then when you ADD to this that:
1) she is the one that had another man’s baby without telling you 2) conducted an ongoing emotional affair 3) had the affair WITH a man who has his own family (so she took attention that rightfully belonged to HIS WIFE) 4) has no remorse for any of the above and says it is YOUR job to do enough to make her love you more?? Can you see how selfish and immature this woman is? I am not saying that you shouldn’t try hard to meet your spouse’s needs - you should. You should try to please them in the ways that matter to them even if they don’t make sense to you (like gifts) - BUT that is a two way street. She should be going out of HER way to please you. To show sorrow for hurting you, to rebuild your trust. She should be making an effort to bridge the gap she says exists between you emotionally. Not comparing your every word and movement to someone else.
I’d tell her fine - you’ve made it clear I am not enough and never will be. I will release you from this marriage so I can find someone who loves me and the home I provide.
Right now you seem completely unwilling to give up on her - and she seems to be well aware of it and is using it against you to take no responsibility for what she has done - or the lack of love or respect she is showing now.
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child DD May 2016 “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl