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Blessedby7
anthro wrote:


For clarity... my wife has never wavered in her determination to stay together since d-day. My ongoing issue is that she hasn't shown a matching determination to repair the damage so much as to put it all in a box and live as if it never happened. She has to some extent (as I see it) been willing to "own" the wrongness of what she did but I do not believe she has stepped up to face and own the consequences and the damage done.

I am mentioning this because that big difference might be the reason why I am still on the brink of leaving at least a few times a day, most days.

But yes - I also practically pushed my wife out the door on and after d-day. I offered her every kind of support to leave. I definitely didn't want her to stay because of any influence from me. I allowed her time because of our kids and because I was in no state to make sound big decisions. 





I'm in much the same boat as anthro. My husband has been mostly great at listening, doing what he can to make me feel safe, and is even growing more loving, but he has done absolutely no "repair work".  I've been here, listened to podcasts, read books, and done everything except see my own therapist (haven't found one local I can afford).  He's done none of that. Don't get me wrong, things are actually fairly good, but it's because I've allowed it, and haven't pressed things on his part. But it's also kept me from fully committing. 

One thing I will say that is completely different then what others have said, kicking her out is not necessarily the right answer. In theory, you and the kids staying and making her leave sounds good, but in my case, where I kicked him out twice, it actually allowed him to be the victim. He had to find a place, he had to have new furniture, he had to do this and that, poor him.  🙄  The time I said the kids and I were leaving, and we had the support of our friends and preacher, and I already had a place picked out, that was his wakeup call. The fact that I was so done that *i* was willing to walk away from him, and the kids were too, and I already had plans for a lawyer, that did it for him.   Whatever happens with us, if it comes down to it, I will be the one to leave if we separate. 
Female BS
Dday 10/12/2018

Renewing myself one day at a time. 
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Damaged
Hi Steve, so sorry you are here. My comments are coming from a loving place but may sound harsh.  Your wife has rewritten the marital history. You are her plan B or C. She is blatantly abusing you. She has shown you who she is and you should believe her. She is a liar , cheater and morally corrupt. She is currently having sex with her AP. You say you love her, but I think you love the image of who you thought she was.                                                          You need to see an attorney ASAP. File for D. Talk to the attorney about getting her out of the house. I’m not sure you can just make her leave. Compile every bit of evidence and save it in a safe place.  Do a hard 180. Look that up. Blow this affair up! I think you said they were coworkers. Check with the attorney to see if you should blow it up at work. That could affect alimony and child support. Blow it up to his wife or GF and her entire family. She will be angry. Even if you don’t blow this up, expect a D to become really ugly. Think of only yourself and your kids. She is your enemy. You are no longer a team. You need to get angry! 
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Keepabuzz
Damaged wrote:
Hi Steve, so sorry you are here. My comments are coming from a loving place but may sound harsh.  Your wife has rewritten the marital history. You are her plan B or C. She is blatantly abusing you. She has shown you who she is and you should believe her. She is a liar , cheater and morally corrupt. She is currently having sex with her AP. You say you love her, but I think you love the image of who you thought she was.                                                          You need to see an attorney ASAP. File for D. Talk to the attorney about getting her out of the house. I’m not sure you can just make her leave. Compile every bit of evidence and save it in a safe place.  Do a hard 180. Look that up. Blow this affair up! I think you said they were coworkers. Check with the attorney to see if you should blow it up at work. That could affect alimony and child support. Blow it up to his wife or GF and her entire family. She will be angry. Even if you don’t blow this up, expect a D to become really ugly. Think of only yourself and your kids. She is your enemy. You are no longer a team. You need to get angry! 


100% agree with ALL of this!
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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JORGE
Quote:
Hi Steve, so sorry you are here. My comments are coming from a loving place but may sound harsh.  Your wife has rewritten the marital history. You are her plan B or C. She is blatantly abusing you. She has shown you who she is and you should believe her. She is a liar , cheater and morally corrupt. She is currently having sex with her AP. You say you love her, but I think you love the image of who you thought she was.                                                          You need to see an attorney ASAP. File for D. Talk to the attorney about getting her out of the house. I’m not sure you can just make her leave. Compile every bit of evidence and save it in a safe place.  Do a hard 180. Look that up. Blow this affair up! I think you said they were coworkers. Check with the attorney to see if you should blow it up at work. That could affect alimony and child support. Blow it up to his wife or GF and her entire family. She will be angry. Even if you don’t blow this up, expect a D to become really ugly. Think of only yourself and your kids. She is your enemy. You are no longer a team. You need to get angry! 

!!!!! 

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UrbanExplorer
Be careful with kids in the picture, IMO. 
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triplehooks
Be careful with kids in the picture, IMO.”

Unfortunately the Mrs isn’t being careful w kids in the picture.  
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ThrivenotSurvive
triplehooks wrote:

Unfortunately the Mrs isn’t being careful w kids in the picture.  


True. 

Which only makes it more important than ever that someone put the kids first. 

Thankfully, Steve seems to be mature and clear headed enough to be able to do so.  As we all know, it takes monumental effort to determine what is protecting ourselves and our kids... and what is wanting to serve our WSs some well-deserved revenge.  However, for those who can put their kids first, the rewards are great.  

It's why I think that it is so helpful to get counseling throughout this period.  

** And on a side note, the idea that she floated a vacation as being a way to test drive a full blown relationship made me snort (in derision.)  If that doesn't show how deluded she currently is, I don't know what does.  No right-minded adult would say or think that.  Taking care of her when she has the stomach flu for a week while simultaneously working full-time and getting all the kids to school/clubs etc - now THAT's a test run for life. 

IF she wasn't hurting everyone so desperately, I'd almost (almost) feel sorry for her.  At some point she is going to have a come-to-Jesus moment that is going to be very, very, very hard.  Of course, all of her own making.  But still... it isn't going to be pretty.
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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Saoirse
Your wife could have been me 3-4 years ago. And yes, the more my H tried to win me back while I was still under the spell of the affair, the more I resented it, felt icky, and pulled away. 

What changed? 1. I faced the full reality of everyone finding out about my affair and realized there was no future in which that relationship would be acceptable. I wasn't meant to go down that path. And 2., most importantly, we did discernment counseling. I went into it thinking it would smooth over a process of separation and came out of it with a bird's eye view of both of our pasts, our marriage, and how my affair fit in. In the meantime, we lived together sort of like friends and did not push any reconciliation efforts.

Your wife is probably having some kind of midlife identity crisis, and this guy could be anyone because he's just filling a temporary void for her, but it feels like much more to her right now.

Your marriage might not work out, but it's too soon to tell, in my opinion. Do what you need to do to protect yourself and your family, but you don't have to make a final decision right away.


Omg, THANK YOU for sharing this. I'm waiting for my husband to come out of the fog and I can see small changes in his thinking but reading a lot of responses made me think I was being stupid. We are going to therapy and still living together but not as a couple. Roommates, really. But roommates who spend a LOT of time working through this web of crap we've created.
BS
D-Day 10-26-19
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