FarmerJoe

I could write a whole long story here -- but after reading through many posts -- they are all about hte same -- so I'll be brief.

I've been married to  my wife for 15 years.

ABout one year ago my wife started an affair with another guy that lives nearby.  It was mostly just an emotional affair for 3 months -- they bonded over shared difficulty with having spouses that suffer with depression.  I was going though my lowest period in my life.  

I found out about their affair in April 2017 through a rando m text message that popped up on computer screen.  This led me to scrolling through months of old messages where they would have long graphic conversations several times a week about F*cking each other.

I confronted her the next day when she returned late from a beekeeper club meeting with the other guy.  She insisted that they were never sexual and those messages were just a game they played.  She was sorry and apologized.  I did not believe it was not actually physical, but she insisted.

She refused to end contact and continued to have regular text messages and would have occasional lunch/dinner dates together - always in public places.

After two months (june 2017) -- she admitted that it had been verys exual for many months.  They had had sex in our house, in our car and in a hotel while she was at a weekend conference.

Now, we are at November 2017 -- she still has everyday contact witht he other man -- she says he is her soulmate and that was told to her by a spiritual guide she goes to.  She is unwilling to end that relationship with him.

She is uncertain whether she wants to stay married -- but insists that it is not a  me vs him issue. He is married (and has not told his wife) and she says she never plans to marry him.  She says they are no longer sexual. She texts him every day and they meet every couple weeks for long 4+ hour lunches or dinners -- in public places.  They met last night at a nearby restaurant from 9 - 12:45am.

I am at a loss as what to do.  How do I salvage our marriage while she refuses to end contact with this other man. 

I need perspective from someone who has been through this before and is farther down the road.  




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surviving
I may be out of line, but I don't think a marriage can be worked on while one partner is seeking someone else.  There needs to be boundaries - either me or him.  It can't be both and.  I know this verse is about serving God, but I think the principle fits here as well.  Matthew 624 says, "no one can serve two masters.  Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other.  You cannot serve both God and money."  I have yet to see an affair working out in a marriage, even an emotional one.  Where are her loyalties?  She thinks he is her soulmate.  Well, what are you to her?  She is living in a fantasy world and not reality.  If you read some of my story, you will know "been there, done that."  It just doesn't work.  I would be bold enough to say me or him.  Just my two cents worth.  So sorry you are in this situation just like the rest of us here.
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Fionarob
FarmerJoe - I am sorry to say that surviving is right. You simply cannot salvage a marriage where one spouse is involved with another person, and especially when they are refusing to end contact with them.  It is just not possible.

Sorry to be so blunt.  It sounds like it would be pointless giving your wife an ultimatum.  I am struggling to see any option you have other than to separate.  Quite honestly her refusal to end their 'relationship' is so disrespectful to you it is almost unbelievable anyone would do that.  Affairs in secret are bad enough, but an affair that is out in the open, that's just the lowest thing. 
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anthropoidape
No contact or you walk. You will find you have no choice.

Whether you give her a few weeks to come to terms with that is up to you.

Whether you can stay even if she does stop all contact is only a maybe too.
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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arizons
Dear Farmer Joe,
 I know exactly what you are going through and its so F**king painful. I too stumbled on a text from my husband to the OW by accident. I actually texted the OW asking who is this...I was holding unto the hope it was a family member and we could all get a good laugh as my paranoia. However, my worse fears were confirmed when the OW wrote back that she was the OW in hs life, had been for awhile and bluntly told me that my husband was leaving me for her and that was a fact. i then confronted my husband who very much like your wife tried to come up with excuses and lies...Until I showed him the text. 
  My husband kept seeing the OW for about four months after the day I found out.....While the OW harassed me and we Battles it out (that's another story).
   What my husband didn't see at the time was what was going on with him and the OW was all fantasy. They had no real life obligations together or even to each other. They didn't live together...had any mutual bills...etc...etc...etc.
   When there was house hold needs, or medical care, emergencies whatever...my husband always came to me...not her. 
What I did I wouldn't advise or recommend...but I took a huge risk.  I 1. told my husband either he move out and be with her, or leave her and be with me...NOT BOTH. The OW  wasn't married.  came to the conclusion if my marriage was going to go down in flames, I was going to let the ship go down in flames. and my husband would either be mad and hate me and leave...but we were heading down that road anymore... or it might save my marriage. I exposed the whole affair to EVERYONE... The OW family, my family, my husbands family...the OW facebook...etc. What would happen would be....I was prepared for whatever the end result was. I even packed up all my husbands belongings and put them on the front porch and just told him this, "I love you...I will always love you but you can't have both...its sad that you can't see you have true love standing right in front of you but I can't tell you whom to love, I can't make you stay. I forgive you but I have to take care of myself right now...you will never know the pain you have caused my soul."
  When it came down to it. the OW didn't want to live with him, get married to him...or actually have a real life with him. She now felt the pressure of having to face her actions of what she was doing because everyone knew...there was no hiding it! I even posted screen shots of her text message, emails as proof...she could not deny it.
   They broke things off with in a week. My husband was temporarily mad at me and I gave him plenty of space...but he soon came to see the truth. Its taken a LOT of work and healing but we are doing much better now...and we are working on our marriage and loving each other.
   But I was at a point that I was ready for him to leave and walk away if that's what he wanted. It was TOO painful living with someone, that you knew everytime they walked out the door they were going to see someone else.
   You desurve to heal your soul and have a happy life....with or without her!! You are worth it! you are MORE then enough!
I don't care what excuse she can give...an affiar was not your fault or choice.... it was hers
Female BS, D-day 1/03/2017, 
I'm going to rebuild me like a remix,

and raise my soul like a Phoenix 
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Vanessa
So sorry you are in this position - it is gut wrenching and one of the worst pains we can experience in this life.  YOU cannot save a marriage singlehandedly regardless of what the $300 a day "workshops" argue. 

SHE likes getting her cake (the stability of you and your homelife) and eating it too (all the adoration of this "secret" love)

Here is what I want you to think about - and I mean really think hard - DO YOU deserve a partner who loves you or one who lies to you? One who cares about your feelings and wellbeing or one who cares only for herself?  Because sadly your spouse does not give a Sh*t about you - she just wants "the feel goods" of an illicit affair.
It took me many months but I finally realized I am WORTHY of a partner who does not LIE to me.  And so I ended the ridiculous "pick me" dance an let the cheaters have the karma they deserve - each other.

This is really not about her - it is about what kind of life YOU deserve!  And as a man of integrity you deserve a partner with intergrity.  Hugs and Strength
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Keepabuzz
It’s hard to do, but an easy decision to come to. She ends all contact and turns back to your marriage (if that is what you even want), or she leaves. You don’t need to stand for it.   Make it clear what you are not willing to live with. 

I made it clear when my wife confessed. If she contacted him even once, I would and still will divorce him. I was not willing to share, or play second fiddle to anyone. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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HangingOn
You are worth more than that.  If she comes back the hardest work is ahead of you... If you want any kind of tomorrow, claim today.  Take care of you.


"There is a reason rear view mirrors are smaller than the windshields.,"
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Guiltguilt
Try the 180. 

https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/

You will feel feel peace of mind, and no matter how far up her own back side she is, she will notice, although the second part isn’t really the point. 
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Kalmarjan
FarmerJoe,

Welcome to the boards, but I have to say that I'm sorry to see you here. 

I'll give you the perspective of a WS, if you don't mind. 

Of course your wife "thinks" that this person is her soul mate, and I'd give it a 99% chance that it's a lie she's sold herself to believe that it's "okay" to do what she is doing. No one would intentionally hurt another that they love, unless it's somehow justified. 

I too found myself with a "new soul mate" while I was sinking into my affair. Looking back (and Omg it's already 4 years ago now...) I can't believe how stupid I was. 

In your case, you absolutely need a boundary here. There is no possible way for your wife to have two different long term relationships, especially if one is founded on a lie. She will need to choose, and let the chips fall where they may. 

This isn't all doom and gloom though. I chose to leave my house, wife...and almost everything behind to be with that "soul mate", only to discover real quick that it was me that had the problem, not my wife# or my AP. It came abundantly clear that the AP wasn't my soul mate because suddenly our relationship had all these hooks in it...jealousy, distrust, conditional love, etc. 

I'm lucky that my wife did the 180 mentioned above...it gave me a chance to really see what I was missing, and that she could move on without me. I recognized quickly that I didn't want to be with this so-called soul mate if it meant that my wife would continue on without me. 

I think that's the day I actually got my crap together, grew up, and looked within. 

Wow.

The Tl;Dr of this post is...work on yourself, and hope your wife comes around. Don't push things, but put a boundary there as to what is acceptable and not. 

On another note...guys...I know I'm not around much here...but I'm hard at work on the marriage I almost threw away. I'm happy to announce that things have gone back to a semi normal way. The affair is like an old wound, a scar that reminds me of how stupid I can be, especially when I take things for granted. 
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Anna26
FarmerJoe,

Welcome to the community, and like Kal, I'm really sorry that you are here, but you will find you have a ton of support and good advice behind you now.
 I have to say that what everyone is already saying is absolutely true.  For now focus on you, if you do that you will help yourself become stronger and ready to take on whatever happens in the future.  I'm a BS too and that's what I've done, the 180, worked on me, because I knew that whatever I said, however much I begged or pleaded, things would not change, unless my H wanted them to.  Until he could see his own way back to our marriage.  His decision, his choice.  I have to say that things haven't really changed that much, we still live separately, but I do think things have fizzled out between them.  But in a strange way, I'm reasonably comfortable with my life right now.  Because I've learned to live without him in it.   I think in general couples learn to depend on each other so much, and that maybe can be a bad thing because we forget who we really are?  If that makes sense?   For me, things aren't resolved completely yet, but these things take time.  How much time is as individual as the couple, the marriage, and how long you are prepared to give it.  And I do hope it works out well for you

I don't want to single him out too much because there are lots more newer members these days only to willing to offer advice and help, but from the WS's point of view, Kalmarjan has written many, many, insightful posts on these boards, full of common sense and plain speaking, and I've found a great deal of support there since day one!  If you haven't already found some of those, you may find them helpful too.
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Anna26
Kalmarjan wrote:
FarmerJoe,

Welcome to the boards, but I have to say that I'm sorry to see you here. 

I'll give you the perspective of a WS, if you don't mind. 

Of course your wife "thinks" that this person is her soul mate, and I'd give it a 99% chance that it's a lie she's sold herself to believe that it's "okay" to do what she is doing. No one would intentionally hurt another that they love, unless it's somehow justified. 

I too found myself with a "new soul mate" while I was sinking into my affair. Looking back (and Omg it's already 4 years ago now...) I can't believe how stupid I was. 

In your case, you absolutely need a boundary here. There is no possible way for your wife to have two different long term relationships, especially if one is founded on a lie. She will need to choose, and let the chips fall where they may. 

This isn't all doom and gloom though. I chose to leave my house, wife...and almost everything behind to be with that "soul mate", only to discover real quick that it was me that had the problem, not my wife# or my AP. It came abundantly clear that the AP wasn't my soul mate because suddenly our relationship had all these hooks in it...jealousy, distrust, conditional love, etc. 

I'm lucky that my wife did the 180 mentioned above...it gave me a chance to really see what I was missing, and that she could move on without me. I recognized quickly that I didn't want to be with this so-called soul mate if it meant that my wife would continue on without me. 

I think that's the day I actually got my crap together, grew up, and looked within. 

Wow.

The Tl;Dr of this post is...work on yourself, and hope your wife comes around. Don't push things, but put a boundary there as to what is acceptable and not. 

On another note...guys...I know I'm not around much here...but I'm hard at work on the marriage I almost threw away. I'm happy to announce that things have gone back to a semi normal way. The affair is like an old wound, a scar that reminds me of how stupid I can be, especially when I take things for granted. 



Kal, it's really good to hear from you again after what seems like an age!  I'm happy that things have got better and better for you, and hope that continues.  I'm not on here so much myself these days, but hope to maybe see you around a little bit more! 
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Kalmarjan
Hey Anna! I hope things are better for you too! 

I guess my absece is more about being a victim of "success." I honestly came back here from an email digest I received. 
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Anna26
Kalmarjan wrote:
Hey Anna! I hope things are better for you too! 

I guess my absece is more about being a victim of "success." I honestly came back here from an email digest I received. 



That's very true, I have noticed that as people progress along their respective paths, they disappear, and just don't need the community support as much. Time has brought it's own kind of healing for me, and as new people have come along on here, I find I don't post quite as much for personal support, preferring to offer support a little if I can. As you say, success of any kind brings it's own kind of comfort!  Hope it continues!
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