TimT
Note: I'm looking of input regarding the experiences of the unfaithful partner. Some contributions may be quoted in an affair recovery manual I am writing. (I'll give you a free copy if I quote you.) I'm especially looking for quotes from those who had an affair, but betrayed spouses may also comment about their experiences with an unfaithful spouse in these areas.

Questions to consider: If you have made a choice regarding your marriage and affair (choosing your spouse, or the affair partner, or losing both), why did you make the choice you made? Do you regret your choice? Has it been difficult? What keeps you committed to that choice?
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Kalmarjan
TimT wrote:
If you have made a choice regarding your marriage and affair (choosing your spouse, or the affair partner, or losing both), why did you make the choice you made?

I originally chose my AP because I thought there was no choice that I deserved to make. I legitimate thought it was over with my wife, and to be fair to her, I had to let her go. Plus, I was so angry...
Later on, as the "relationship" with my AP "deepend" I started realizing that she made a poor comparison to my wife. Near the end of the relationship between me and the AP,
I could clearly see that I didn't want it, but how could I break free?

I honestly didn't think there was hope to be with my wife. Thankfully, I was wrong.
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Do you regret your choice?

I regret choosing my AP, yes. But, I do not regret going back to my wife. I regret ever leaving, taking the coward way out. Interesting though, at the time I chose the AP, I had convinced myself that taking the path with the AP and "making it work" was the high road. What a difference time and clarity can make when you look back. In the thick of things I cannot say I was thinking rationally. I was too busy putting out fires.

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Has it been difficult?


Yes. But you know what? I've learned so much about myself, and about my wife. I now appreciate and love and respect her way more than I ever have.

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What keeps you committed to that choice?


I am in the process of figuring ME out. I choose me, and as far as I know my wife is part of that plan. In the end, I need to be true to who I am. I need to be aware of myself to act with integrity.

That's what keeps me committed.
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Branded
I let go of the affair and chose my marriage. I'm still waiting to see if my wife will make the same choice, but it doesn't look good. Yes, it's been hard. At first, I chose my marriage out of guilt. Add to that a sense of responsibility to my daughters. But I think the thing that's driving me to keep working on this now is simply that I don't want this to be how my life is defined. My father had an affair and things were never quite right between my parents after that. My brother had affairs and lost his marriage. I want a better ending than that. I want one of those stories where the marriage works out and the couple gets to a better place. And if she decides she won't be part of that, I want to know I did everything I could to make things right (after I messed it all up).
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Mi_alma13
Kalmarjan wrote:
TimT wrote:
If you have made a choice regarding your marriage and affair (choosing your spouse, or the affair partner, or losing both), why did you make the choice you made?
I originally chose my AP because I thought there was no choice that I deserved to make. I legitimate thought it was over with my wife, and to be fair to her, I had to let her go. Plus, I was so angry... Later on, as the "relationship" with my AP "deepend" I started realizing that she made a poor comparison to my wife. Near the end of the relationship between me and the AP, I could clearly see that I didn't want it, but how could I break free? I honestly didn't think there was hope to be with my wife. Thankfully, I was wrong.
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Do you regret your choice?
I regret choosing my AP, yes. But, I do not regret going back to my wife. I regret ever leaving, taking the coward way out. Interesting though, at the time I chose the AP, I had convinced myself that taking the path with the AP and "making it work" was the high road. What a difference time and clarity can make when you look back. In the thick of things I cannot say I was thinking rationally. I was too busy putting out fires.
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Has it been difficult?
Yes. But you know what? I've learned so much about myself, and about my wife. I now appreciate and love and respect her way more than I ever have.
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What keeps you committed to that choice?
I am in the process of figuring ME out. I choose me, and as far as I know my wife is part of that plan. In the end, I need to be true to who I am. I need to be aware of myself to act with integrity. That's what keeps me committed.


Hi,

I'm curious how long did it take you before you realized that the AP was not for you, and that you wanted to be with your wife? Also were you ignoring your wife during this time, or did you go back and forth? Sorry for the many questions, but the last one is, what exactly brought you back to your wife? (these questions also can be for anyone else) I know you said the AP was a poor comparison, but you also could have decided to stay single. The reason I ask is because at the time when my wayward spouse came back, it was after she had left him. Later on he told me that he wanted to be with me, and realized he loved me, and wanted to be with me forever. I asked if he needed time to figure it out, because everything had happened so sudden. I also was not sure if he was coming back for the right reasons. We were going to give it another try, but it just didn't seem like he was sure. I felt like he came back, because he wasn't sure about his decision, and wasn't sure if he should let me go. Unfortunately I made the decision for the both of us. He wasn't proving himself, and still doing questionable stuff. I let him go, but I still have so many questions on what was behind his decisions and indecisiveness. I would have rather preferred for him to not come back, until he would have been sure of his choice. You said  "I legitimate thought it was over with my wife, and to be fair to her, I had to let her go." I wonder if he thought those same things, or still does. I wish he would have fought harder, or at least have been honest that he was still unsure right away, instead of getting my hopes up, only to hurt me even more. Thanks for sharing your story, and keep up the good work that your doing!


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Kalmarjan
Mi_alma13 wrote:
I'm curious how long did it take you before you realized that the AP was not for you, and that you wanted to be with your wife?


I went right back to my wife once things ended. To be honest, I didn't come right out and say it to my AP, I unconsciously passive aggressively pushed my AP to end it by not listening or giving into her demands. For instance, I started spending more time with my son than her. This was a deal breaker.

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Also were you ignoring your wife during this time, or did you go back and forth?


I was out of my wife's life while I was with the AP, and I made it clear that I wasn't interested in reconciling, both because I didn't want to be that guy, and because I did actually care about my wife's hurt, and i didn't want her to be mad at me.

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Sorry for the many questions, but the last one is, what exactly brought you back to your wife?


I should have never left. I told myself so many stories about how we weren't right for each other but I still lived her at the end of the day.

I was told by a mutual friend that "I can't believe after all this, she still loves you."

I knew the door wasn't completely closed, and to tell you the truth, I wanted to be with her and to be with my family.
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