Choices72
Months after I found out about the affair the OW contacted me via social media. She stated that she was concerned that I thought badly of her and wanted to explain herself to me.
My only thoughts were “ Really?? It’s been 8 months why would you think I would want to hear from you” 
After all she certainly wasn’t concerned about it while the affair was happening.
I thought nothing of her existence before and I will not waste time on it now.

But I am interested in why she would even think to contact me. Any feedback would be appreciated 
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Keepabuzz
Choices72 wrote:
Months after I found out about the affair the OW contacted me via social media. She stated that she was concerned that I thought badly of her and wanted to explain herself to me.
My only thoughts were “ Really?? It’s been 8 months why would you think I would want to hear from you” 
After all she certainly wasn’t concerned about it while the affair was happening.
I thought nothing of her existence before and I will not waste time on it now.

But I am interested in why she would even think to contact me. Any feedback would be appreciated 


Maybe she is feeling the gravity of what she has done? Maybe even remorse? Obviously there is no justification for what she and your WS did, so I’m not sure she could say anything to “explain herself”, but maybe she is trying to apologize? I would say it is likely best to ignore the message, and try to leave her in the past. I know if it were me, I wouldn’t be able to do that. I would have to hear what my wife’s AP had to say. I think I could keep my composure via electronic communications, if it were in person, my reactions would be very dependent upon what he said, how he said it, and honestly how I felt on that day. 

I have only seen him once, and that was months before d-day, when as far as I knew he was just another coworker. I have not seen him since then, so I haven’t seen after d-day. He was out of state for work for a couple of months when my wife confessed. She had ended about a month prior. She told me that she told me at that time because she knew I would go after him, and she didn’t want me to kill him, and hoped that by the time he got back I would have been calmed down enough to not go after him. Well, that was about the only good decision she made. I went after him, becasue I didn’t believe her when she said he was out of state. Thank goodness, I really don’t know what I would have done on d-day if I had found him. I never wanted to actually kill him, but I wanted to give him a beating that he would never forget. My worry is that my rage was completely uncontrollable and if I had found him and started to beat him, what if I just didn’t stop? What if I just kept beating him until he was dead?  I would have went to prison, for a long time. It’s been over 3 years, and most days I think I could walk right by him and just stare him down, but nothing more, BUT I still have those days sometimes when if I saw him and he even looked at me I would react physically, but I’m sure “now” that I could stop before I went “too far”.  
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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MC
Choices72 wrote:

I thought nothing of her existence before and I will not waste time on it now.
 


I relate to what you are saying here.  She is not deserving of your attention.

Additionally, she is not deserving of a window into your thoughts.  Let me explain where I am coming from.

About a week after D-day he told my wife that he wanted to contact me.  She told him that was a bad idea, and then told me about this.  I quickly decided that I wanted to dictate rather than reply, so I sent him an email before he took initiative.  It was short and to the point.  I told him this:  I am disappointed in myself for leaving a hole in MY WIFE's heart.  I am disappointed in MY WIFE for the choices that she made regarding you.  I am disappointed in you for the choices you made regarding MY WIFE.  MY WIFE and I want nothing to do with you.  You shall not contact MY WIFE ever again.  Because our circles overlap, our paths will inevitably and unfortunately cross.  I will extend to you the favor of avoiding you.  You will avoid me and my family.  These are absolute and immediate requirements without room for any exception.

That same day he replied by email.  Among excuses he said he hoped that I could forgive him.  I wrestled with how to respond.  And then it dawned on me.  The most powerful response is absolutely no response.  He does not deserve a window into my thoughts.  As far as I am concerned...as far as MY NEEDS are concerned, I have said everything that I need to say.

Nearly 2 years later and after our paths crossing dozens of times I have not wavered.  The AP in my situation is a narcissistic control freak.  The best revenge I can exact is to be a gray rock towards him and hold all the cards.  I pay him zero attention.  Utter apathy.  If I play my hand he feels important and the next move is his.  As of now, he sees my wife and I rather frequently because our circles overlap.  He sees us smiling laughing and really enjoying each other.  Neither of us pay him an ounce of attention.  And I have not acted towards him one bit.  I like to think in his eyes I am just one very satisfied husband with an incredible marriage.  But at the same time I am also a grenade in his world, just the pull of a pin away from destroying him.

A happy smiling grenade with a finger on the pin.

      
________________
Male BS
D-Day 3.15.2017


Taking care of myself, as we all deserve to do.
Encouraging all to bolster their: Emotional Health, Physical Health and Spiritual Health
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Choices72
Thank you for taking the time to respond here, it is truly appreciated.
I quickly figured that Engaging in any conversation would only let her continue to peek through the windows of my life and frankly she is no longer welcome here.
I do remain a bit stunned that she thought a conversation with me would change my mind about what type of person she is, her behaviour has already shown who she is ...no need to converse with me. 
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Sorry
Ten months out...this is still fresh for her.
She is most likely contacting you because She knows something that She thinks that your husband has not yet told you that She feels you ought to know.

My guess
Its either that he never told you that he was married, that he never told you the extent of the affair, that he never told you about previous affair, that he never told you She fell pregnanant...something like that.

I have often wanted to tell my ExAPs wife about his numerous affairs and the fact that he once actually fantasised about how to crash the car and kill just her so that him and the kids could live, both of which I found incredibly offputting at the time. BUT I now realise it is her responsibility and choice to get information if She cares to get it.


If She were calling you in three years time, the it is perhaps genuine remorse, She has had long enough to digest her actions and genuinely wanted forgiveness or want to at least apoligise humbly.

So unless you think that there is something part of the story that you have not been told that you still need to be told and would actually make a difference.
I recommened that you just move on.

Indicate you have received her message or She will keep trying to contact you. BUT clearly say that you are happy with your husbands version of what happened and you wish for her to not contact you again and She can show She is a better person by respecting that wish.
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Choices72
Thank you for your input sorry.

The Ow had shared in her message that my husband had told her that we were only together for the children and that our relationship had been over for years ( simply cliché ).
I am sure she probably wanted to fill me in on details but I have no need to hear the lies she was told too. However to hear you say that your partner had fantasized about his wife dying has me wondering a bit because at that point I would not reconcile period. 
No longer loving your spouse is one thing but wishes death upon them is simply disturbing ( just my opinion)
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Sorry
Oh, I totally agree with you. I am sure he no longer wishes a convenient death upon her. But it is amazing during an affair what rubbish you brain can process and ignore. As a rule people who are having affair are disturbed deeply. I would not at this stage ever tell her that because it is no longer his reality and the affair time is pretty messed up to begin with.

I had some pretty freaky nightmares of my own around the time of the affair that should have warned me how far off course I had gone but I managed to surpress them. 

Consider where you and you husband are now. That is what is reality.
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Karilee
My thoughts are that maybe the OW wants to tell you something and this is an easy way to work it in, start with an apology then go from there. After being cheated on I am suspicious of everything and ulterior motives of people.  I have to admit it would be hard not to ask what she had to say.  You might find something out, or she might be trying to act like she's over him but really isn't.  I had the OW groveling and apologizing to me at one point only to keep pursuing my H. They act all nice and apologetic and then they keep pursuing.  It's a sick game. Sorry if I sound negative, but you have the upper hand on ignoring her because that drives a person crazy. And honestly, what a dumb thing for her to say, of course you think badly of her! If you are happy where you are at in your relationship leave her hanging or block her. 
Female BS, two kids age 10 & 13
Married 16 years, together for 23 years total
D Days - Feb 2013, June 2015 and Sept 2017
All with the same OW
Separated
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UrbanExplorer
Brief backstory: I was the OW years ago, and it was my ex-AP's wife who uncovered the affair. We had been acquaintances, and she contacted me many times, even having me served legally to provide testimony in her divorce. It was a big scene. I removed myself and my family from her orbit for the good of everyone involved. 

While I am never going to contact her because that would be selfish and unfair, I have to be prepared for the possibility of running into her someday. I have thought of what I would say if I had to do so. I'd want her to know how truly sorry I am, how she didn't deserve the pain and embarrassment, and that I have a sense she went through a lot with ex-AP. I would not say this part, but I'd wish she could know the journey I've been on since then and that I'm a good person (I am) who let something get out of control and deceived myself in addition to those around me. I'd honestly wish her good things.

That said, she doesn't owe me anything - not forgiveness and certainly not appreciation or understanding of my journey to becoming a better human. She is entitled to consider me a bad person forever. 

You are entitled to deem the ex-OW whatever you like. She's probably trying to process what she has done. I'm sorry she contacted you.
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