AngieB
I'm curious from the community why my WS would choose a woman with whom to have an affair who seems so morally opposite from his own values.  My husband, who I have been with for 13 year and married to for 10 years, was raised in a Christian home and has always been very morally sound.  As a matter of fact, when I asked him if he was having an affair, he was "appalled" that I would think he would ever do something like that.

His AP is married, lives at home with her husband and two kids.  My husband is the third married man she has cheated with - which my husband says he knows.  She posts things on her Facebook page about getting drunk and partying - which, again, is so not like my husband. 

When he talks about her, he says people don't understand "what they have together."  He also says that if people understood "all that she's been through" they would understand why she's done the things she has.  People who know her tell me she likes to play the victim.

I also can't see where this relationship could go.  He's married, she's married and still lives at home with her husband and kids.  Also, my husband has genital herpes - something he says he has told her.  He tells me they have kissed, held hands and hugged, but have not had sex.  I cannot image she would willing sleep with him and risk contracting it.  I don't understand why he would pursue a relationship that has such little chance of surviving.  They have been together now for about 2 1/2 months, with DDay just 5 weeks ago.  He says he loves her and has stopped wearing his wedding ring.

Is there a philosophy about why he would choose someone so different from him?
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UrbanExplorer
Perhaps he is codependent/people pleasing and was drawn to the opportunity to "help" someone. Or perhaps he is in a midlife crisis of sorts and is acting out a totally different kind of life. I know it doesn't make the hurt any less for you. [frown]
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blythespirit
Or perhaps he didn't "choose" her for any particular quality at all, other than that she made herself available to him.  And he has to rationalize her bad behavior and his bad choice in order to make himself feel good about what he's doing.  Of course no one else would understand "what they have together" because it's all made up.  
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Heidi
I think at some point of other we all ask ourselves this question. Why choose someone who is so different to me, the loyal wife? The answer I've come to is that someone like me wouldn't have an affair, or make myself available to a married man. Not even if I was single. To want to have an affair, I think you probably have to have a different view of morals than I do (and I include my WS in this by the way). So by default, any AP would have to be far removed from the person I am.

I suspect other people have other experiences, but this is my view of my husbands choice of AP.
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sunflower07
My husband was in a similar circumstance with his AP. Politics are very important to him. He is a tight conservative and she's extremely liberal. She also has had multiple affairs while married, even had a second one while with my husband.

My husband has told me he thought he could rescue her. He also said she told him he was her soulmate and that no one understood her like he did. She also told my husband that she didn't believe in monogamy which I guess sort of became the deal breaker for him.

He's told me all of this recently and only after coming out of the affair fog. For a long time, I wondered the same things as you.

Hopefully, you will eventually get your answers.
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Anna26
I think a lot of the time it's just circumstances, right time, right place, maybe not quite right person, but they are available and willing and there's just something intangible there that makes them desirable. Maybe it's almost a case of 'opposites attracting'?  After all why would you have an affair with someone who acted like, and did the same kind of things as your spouse.  Perhaps someone with a completely different personality to what the WS has been used to attracts more? 
A lot of the time, the reason for the affair is blamed on what is so completely (supposedly) lacking in the spouse.
 
Am I making sense here? I'm having a hard time not writing gobbledegook tonight..lol
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Kalmarjan
AngieB - I am a WS, and I also had a relationship with an AP who I would NEVER in a million years, date if circumstances were different. 

My AP openly flirted, did drugs, got around, was bossy, way too into herself, and no one that worked with her could really stand her. 

So how did I find myself attracted to her? How did I end up in a "relationship" with her knowing all of those things?

The truth is, it didn't start out as a relationship with the intent to commit adultery. In fact, it started off with her being there to help me as I started my job. Being the person that lent a helping hand to the new boss. Then it was about her listening to me, taking my advice (I am 15 years older than my AP) and basically hanging on to my every word. (Ego boost.) Then she seemed to be the person that fulfilled all those things that I complained about to her as our relationship moved from work banter to inappropriate conversations about the failings in my marriage. How I felt was what she wanted to know. Then suddenly she was that girl that was those things that I was missing, you know? 

(I didn't realize at the time it was me who was feeding her the ammunition to get me, but bear with me.) Soon it became me questioning my initial judgement of her (Which was not wrong BTW) and everyone else's. See, they were wrong about her, because suddenly she was all those things to me. 

Then it progressed to flirting. By this point, all my emotions were tied up to this. I was floating in a sea of gasoline, not aware that I was in dangerous territory. First, it maybe was touching her butt by "mistake," or her rubbing up against me -- "oops!" Truthfully, at that point, I could feel my heart quickening. Why? I knew it was wrong but I was telling myself it was no big deal, I could handle it. I was still married to my wife. I even told my AP at the very beginning that I LOVED my wife and I couldn't do these things because it was against who I was.

But then I found myself doing it more and more. Like the song sings... "I used to do a little/ but a little got too little/ so a little got more and more/ I just try to get a little better/ a little better than before."

Before I knew it, I was with her everywhere she went. She "got me." I could tell her anything, and it was me and her against the world. Next thing you know it the inappropriate touching gravitates towards sexual touching (petting) and oral sex. I still thought I could handle things. I hadn't really cheated, right? I didn't put it in yet. (My line had blurred, and I moved it further and further to make things all right.)

Next thing you know it, I am questioning my marriage. How wrong I was to be with that woman, she was NOTHING like my AP. My AP just "got" me, and I didn't have to explain things (I didn't because they were so fresh in her mind from me inadvertently telling her all that made me tick a few weeks before.)

In all that time, I had forgotten my values. Every second I was with her, it was like I was high. She made me feel so good, and even when I was working closely with her one night and she told me that the first day she met me she was so high on drugs she could barely function, or that she had slept with literally 5 people in 2 months before I met her, or that she had guys randomly sending her naked pictures (that she showed me) -- all of these things I would have literally dropped her like a hot rock in the past, but I glazed over them because you know what... I thought that I had met my soul mate, and that she was just understood.  

This is what the fog is people.  

Of course, looking back at this, I am horrified at what I let go. I am horrified that I was duped. And the stupidest part of all was she didn't dupe me. I duped myself.


There were lots of red flags althroughout my relationshop with her. Drugs, the way she treated people, her lies, catching her in lies, how she treated my child, how people reacted to her, how she kept herslef, the clinginess, the demands, discarding me, manipulating me. 

But it wasn't until after I ct ties with her that I slowly saw what had happened. Honestly, I wasn't acting with integrity or with character when i was engaged in this affair with her. When i look back, I don't recognize myself. 
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UrbanExplorer
In my case, we were two people who felt lost in this world and disillusioned with our marriages, so that was enough in common for it to progress from friendship to romance. I see a lot of speculation about the morals of people who have affairs, but I don't know what to think of that. I suspect there are a number of people in couples who could be tugged by the heartstrings (or waistband) given particular circumstances, like a lack of a clear EARLY boundary against being alone with and confiding in someone of the sex that appeals to us or a lack of honest two-way communication in a relationship. Many of us who have cheated used to think we could never do that. We made mistakes.
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Kalmarjan
Urban, totally agree with you on the judgement of people. It's like it's easier to think that a person who cheats automatically has no morals, is a corrupt, broken person. It almost absolves the person of responsibility. 

To anyone who says that I have no morals, or that I am broken - I'll ask them if that were true, why would I come back, or try to fix what I had done.

It's harder to have grace and empathy -- than to think about why a person would have an affair. I have yet to meet and an incorrigible person who lacks morals. Everyone has their story, reasons as to why they do things. In a lot of cases, like in mine, it's a case of a lack of boundaries leading to a situation that fell out of my control. One I had no business finding myself in, sure, but not for a lack of morals. I certainly don't feel as if I am corrupt. 
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blythespirit
When I say I feel that my WS is "broken" inside, I'm not referring to any inherent lack of morality or personal integrity. He certainly didn't act with either in his conduct of the affair. But, he has strong moral convictions and he has always been a man of integrity. That's part of what made me love him. Having the affair, however, "broke" him precisely because he acted so out of character and he is unable to reconcile his actions, in my opinion, with who he thought he was. I believe that the affair happened with the woman he "chose" simply because they were both, as urban put it "lost in the world and disillusioned with their marriages." That coupled with an obvious lack of boundaries, and ample opportunity, created the bond that led to the affair. I believe he continues to hold onto her at this point because to admit to himself that that's all it was, and not some sort of "higher love" with someone who was his "soulmate" and who " got him" in some otherworldly way, is to see both her and the affair for what they actually were. A pointless and incredibly painful betrayal of not just his wife and children, but of her husband and children, our friends and family, and ultimately of his own sense of self.
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