mermaid
This may have been asked before, but I am genuinely curious. It seems there are many people on this forum that are still actively trying to stay in their marriage. Can you all share what keeps you there? I know this is a place to vent and share our deepest pain. And yet, in spite of all that, people don't walk away. Why? I'd like to know your reasons.

I am asking because right now, I can't answer that myself. I have no words to tell you why I stay. I have many more reasons for why I want to leave.
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bridie
If I had the option I would have  stayed for my children but my wh left for his ap. It is 2 years now and it is only now he is beginning to see the devastating effect this has had on our daughters mental health.  At that time I had asked him to stay and work on our marriage for our children.  But he chose not to.
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surviving
We are over five years out from DDay.  I have stayed, but many days I wonder why.  Some of the reasons I stayed is I have no place to go.  I have no job (have been a SAHM for over 37 years).  I hate what it would do to my children.  I wonder how it would work out.  I worry about me being blamed for leaving like I have been blamed for his many affairs.  His affairs were all on him.  I wasn't given any chances of working things out, he chose to cheat many times.  
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Kiki
Surviving,   would you not be eligible for support?  Can’t he move out? I have been a SAHM for 22 years, my WH will pay support for the rest of my life.  I tried to stay together for my family, but my girls wanted him gone. They were disgusted with him and they are actually happy for me now that we are separated. 

Mermaid, I tried to reconcile for my family and because I LOVE him.  We were together for a very long time. He was my whole life. I thought he would change and choose me, our family and life. I thought he was a good person who did a bad thing.... that is what I told myself and the girls.  I also stayed because of fear... of the unknown, stability and lifestyle.  Once you separate, EVERYTHING changes. Everyone in your life is affected. People and family treat you differently. It is sad and lonely. And difficult co parenting. But I am getting stronger everyday. 
D-Day#1 Dec 19, 2017
D-Day#2 Jan 13, 2018
5 year “on/off affair”
Separated

Married 25 years, together 35
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ssix6pack
I stayed for many reasons.

The main one being, I felt he was genuinely repentant and  heartbroken over his behavior. The changes he’s made have been very evident, consistent, and seem to only be growing as time goes on - not regressing. 

We have four kids, and so they played a role in that as well. However, had he not truly repented and made major changes (across many parts of his life), I would have left as they’d have likely been better off without his immediate Day to Day influence. And, frankly, I could eventually move on with another (better) man. 

My faith also played a role. While I have the “right” to divorce, I felt clearly that I wasn’t supposed to. I had very quick and clear confirmation about this - I’m taking seconds after his confession. It felt as if the Holy Spirit told me to stay, wait, and see. So, I did. 

Sometimes, I still feel waves of doubt or fear. But, it isn’t a place I stay in too long 

Betrayed female
2/11/18, d day #1. 
1/2019, d day #2.
Over a decade of unfaithfulness. 
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Keepabuzz
I only stayed for 1 reason, well 4 I guess. My 4 kids. I grew up in broken homes, multiple divorces and I didn’t want that for my kids. I didn’t decide to stay forever for them, but I decided to stay for 6 months for them and reassess. Then at the 6 months date, I still wanted to leave, but I decided to stay another 6 months for them, then again, and again. At 2 years I had decided to stay long term (I don’t say forever, because as we all know NOTHING is guaranteed). So because of my kids, my wife got a chance she didn’t deserve to make all the changes she needed to make and help to repair the damage she caused me.  If not for my kids, I would have been at the lawyers office the second he opened the day after my wife’s confession. I say that with absolutely ZERO doubt. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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BorealJ
I think beyond the initial volatile stages, staying as a measured choice has to come from some combination of believing you have had a rewarding relationship involving real love and connection in the past, that the WS is genuine in their search to understand the motivations behind their choices and to commit to intentional personal growth as well as cooperating towards relational growth.  I think if you have those things, it's easier to say you're in and committed fully to the relationship and can move more confidently toward that.  It's difficult to get there though.  For my part, I believe that most of those things are present, but we don't really cooperate well in the reconciliation process.  My wife is exploring and getting help to change her thought patterns, but she works on it so privately that I feel like I'm never sure of where her mind stands. Because of this, it's hard to keep both feet planted here.  The information is controlled and I don't have access to it to make a good informed decision.  I see her toiling and believe it's towards our goals, but I'm dissatisfied and agitated much of the time.  I question whether I'm ever going to get what I need to commit with all my energy and heart.  But things aren't bad enough to walk out so I'm just scared of being trapped in an unfulfilling relationship.  I remind myself that this is a process and am aware of some movement, but it's taking my wife longer than I ever imagined to get to a place where she embraces the change she says she wants.  I'm trying to stay focused on myself, but I'm running out of my own things to work on while I wait for her to join me.  🐘
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grappling
I stayed because leaving would only hurt myself and my grown children and grandchildren. My husband, being the sole breadwinner, would continue his life and have the resources to hang out with the kids and grandkids without me. He repented, but trust is compromised about many things and other behaviors and words. We don't fight. He's pleasant. I can be who I'm meant to be and let him be who he wants to be. Neither of us are perfect. It would be my doing if the family were to split; staying is hard, but splitting might be harder. What can you do, but play the hand that's dealt you to minimize the damage on others?
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arizons
mermaid wrote:
This may have been asked before, but I am genuinely curious. It seems there are many people on this forum that are still actively trying to stay in their marriage. Can you all share what keeps you there? I know this is a place to vent and share our deepest pain. And yet, in spite of all that, people don't walk away. Why? I'd like to know your reasons.

I am asking because right now, I can't answer that myself. I have no words to tell you why I stay. I have many more reasons for why I want to leave.

   Regardless if the choice is to stay or to leave... both choices take a huge amount of strength. I am coming up soon on 2 years since D-day and although I have more better days then bad...I still find myself asking this question.
   If I felt that I did not still love and care for my husband it would have been easier for me to leave and move on...or more accurately... kick him out of my house and divorce.  
    But I didn't want to just throw in the towel and throw out at that time 17 years worth of GOOD that we had and so many future plans that we had etc. Only time will tell if I made the right choice and who knows what the future holds....
Female BS, D-day 1/03/2017, 
I'm going to rebuild me like a remix,

and raise my soul like a Phoenix 
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notemanj
Initially, I stayed because it honestly didn’t occur to me that we would separate. The first time someone asked me if I was staying, I didn’t understand the question.

He was still trickle truthing me at that time. I believe everything stopped immediately when I found out “something” was going on. We went through hysterical bonding and he seemed intent on making superficial changes. I kept asking when the honeymoon was going to end. And I never felt quite safe. 

About 6 months in, I noticed that the honeymoon was ending and he was sliding back into his old self. I knew by then that if I had survived this long, that I would survive without him. And I started thinking along those lines. 

At 10 months, he told me to either get over it or leave him. And I said I was leaving him. That was December. We were going to wait until after Christmas to tell our kids. It was the saddest Christmas of my life, but I knew I was not going to stay in a type of relationship that led him to his affair. I wasn’t going to ever go through this again.

On New Years Eve, I didn’t kiss him at midnight for the first time in 23 years. And that seemed to FINALLY wake him up. He asked me not to leave for the first time since I said I was going to. I told him I wouldn’t make any promises, but that he was free to try to keep me. 

It has has still been a rocky, awful, sad, hurtful year. He didn’t get around to admitting that it was a full blown sexual affair until April 30, 2018. But he started counseling. And he seemed to slowly, painfully slowly, get it. 

We have since renewed our vows, with new rings that have never been inside of anyone else (🤢) and he continues to make strides to be a better man. 

I am still hurting. I see posts from people who are 5 years out and get discouraged. I wish the holiday season would cease to exist. But everyday I see him trying and improving. If I didn’t see that, I would leave. 
Wishing everyone here peace and healing!

Female BS Married 18 yrs
DDay 3/7/2017 through 4/2019 and counting. 
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grappling
Wish I could hug you. I’m so sorry.
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Blessedby7
Keepabuzz wrote:
I only stayed for 1 reason, well 4 I guess. My 4 kids. I grew up in broken homes, multiple divorces and I didn’t want that for my kids. I didn’t decide to stay forever for them, but I decided to stay for 6 months for them and reassess. Then at the 6 months date, I still wanted to leave, but I decided to stay another 6 months for them, then again, and again. At 2 years I had decided to stay long term (I don’t say forever, because as we all know NOTHING is guaranteed). So because of my kids, my wife got a chance she didn’t deserve to make all the changes she needed to make and help to repair the damage she caused me.  If not for my kids, I would have been at the lawyers office the second he opened the day after my wife’s confession. I say that with absolutely ZERO doubt. 


This is where I'm at right this second. It could change tomorrow.  With a toddler a d due again in Sept I really don't want to take them from a father that loves them, so he is getting way more chances then he deserves. But I'm a mother, and my kids come first. We simply would not have a good life if I left. I kind of feel like I'm using him at this moment, but I guess I've been used for the last 16 years, now it's his turn. 🤷‍♀️
Female BS
Dday 10/12/2018

Renewing myself one day at a time. 
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