flipperfive Show full post »
raggedylaura

I still feel love for my wandering spouse.  He says he doesn't want children with his mistress......but he sleeps with her in a way that she could be pregnant!  This makes me disgusted because he will leave his first children behind and follow after a woman who doesn't even want to love him, she only wants children with him.........  We are one-month since DD.  HE says he wants to stop the relationship with his mistress in "12-days" if she is not pregnant.  Well, if she is pregnant he will not be able to be in a relationship with me any more because he brings all these children in the world and can't really afford them.



flipperfive wrote:
My WS left our marriage and chose to continue his relationship with his AP. The hurt I felt that he could leave me and our five children was unimaginable and I find that harder to forgive than his actual affair as I partly understand why he did it but don't think I will ever understand the man who leaves his children much less the woman who he stood before God and declared he would love until death. Why five months after DD do I still yearn for my WS? I dream of him and that he is with me and I feel the warmth of his companionship only to wake and find him not there and the emptiness returns. Why do I yearn for someone who has hurt me so much? Why can I not look at the actions he has taken and see how much he must not have cared for me to do what he has done? Why, when I am in his presence with the children, do I feel I need to put up an unemotional mask so he doesn't see the feelings I have inside? Why when I open up to him does he look like a man who doesn't have the answers either or says he's too tired to talk about that and needs to go? Why, why, why. Why so many questions with so few answers? I am struggling with the need to understand. The need to understand why my life has become what it is. I followed my husband to his country which I am not and can now never be a citizen in. We have been married 14 years, I have lived here for 12 years and we had five children together and now he has left me. I have begun studying so I can get a job that allows me to look after our children and earn an income that means I can afford to look after them as I can not receive government handouts others can as I am not a citizen and child support is minimal. Nor, after the children have left home, can I ever get sick or be unemployed as I will have no income. I can not go home as he would not allow me to take the children from the country and I want him in their lives and have made my life here now in any case. Money is tight and we are all going without. Life is hard juggling the care of five children aged 3 to 10 years, work placement and study. So why can I not hate this man? Why can I not see what others around me see who look on with disgust at the way he has treated me? Why can I find it so easy to separate the man from the action and still love the man even though I deplore his actions? Surely to not want him in my life would be easier than this as I travel down a path of rejection, yearning, struggle and hurt. One day I suppose it is inevitable I will come to accept my life and what it has become as I am that type of person. I may even look back at this time and see it as a good thing that happened as my life has become so much better. But for now I struggle to understand and accept. I want my relationship back albeit newly improved because we both want to be in it and give it 100% but I know I need to let go.




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Karen72
My ws never thinks he's done anything wrong. It was all my fault. If I hadn't made him feel that way he wouldn't of had to find comfort somewhere else blah, blah, blah. If I say you should of come to me and told me how you're feeling I get... I didn't think I could. Although the affair is over, he still works with her. I've been completely aloof from him for a month now and I was so angry with myself tonight when I blurted out "it's not too late, it's only been 5 months. I never get anything back and adds to the whole I am so worthless feeling again.
What wouldnt I give for him to fight for me. Am I worth so little that he prefers living at his parents in their spare room.
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Keepabuzz
Karen72 wrote:
My ws never thinks he's done anything wrong. It was all my fault. If I hadn't made him feel that way he wouldn't of had to find comfort somewhere else blah, blah, blah. If I say you should of come to me and told me how you're feeling I get... I didn't think I could. Although the affair is over, he still works with her. I've been completely aloof from him for a month now and I was so angry with myself tonight when I blurted out "it's not too late, it's only been 5 months. I never get anything back and adds to the whole I am so worthless feeling again.
What wouldnt I give for him to fight for me. Am I worth so little that he prefers living at his parents in their spare room.



Your worth DOES NOT come from your WS's opinion, never think that. It is in NO WAY "your" fault for his affair. Those who choose to cheat, come to that decision 100% on their own, period. If you know nothing else, KNOW "his" affair, was NOT "your" fault!

My wife worked with her AP as well, the day after d-day, she quit. She called in and quit, to this day she hasn't darkened the door of that place again. I know not everyone can do that due to financial reasons, luckily I am the breadwinner.

Look into the "180", I did it, even though I didn't know I was. It works. Self care, self care, self care.
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Dirazz
Karen72, your WH is living in denial. Any WS that thinks it's the their spouses fault that they had affair is completely delusional. You know that's not true. He needs to be a man and face the truth. Keepabuzz is correct do not value your self worth on what a man thinks that can't even be honest with himself let alone his wife. You are not the broken one that decided to cheat and lie. Until he starts to show remorse and regret for his horrible actions things cannot begin to heal between you two. But that doesn't mean you can't heal on your own. Take care of yourself mentally and physically. Know that none of this is your fault!
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Karen72
Feel so flat today. You are both right and I had been on the right track not contacting him and living my own life again. They say that you'll have bad days but why are the bad days so bad and the "good" ones only just bearable at best!
I still need to stop hoping that he will see the light and just let him get on with it and live my life. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. Thank you for your valuable advice.
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