Look up the Recovery Room podcast episode on limerance and the one on when infidelity begins. There’s some very good insights on the thought process of people who are cheating.
My husband did the same thing your wife and AP did. He secretly contacted and met up with his high school girlfriend. At their first meeting She cried about how she was being physically abused by her husband and about how her marriage was so unhappy, etc.
I actually contacted her husband to tell him about the affair and after several pretty long conversations, I believe she was lying about all of it. Her husband believed their marriage was strained but healing and strong. I knew I was struggling with my depression and not feeling connected with my husband but I thought our marriage was ok. Anyways, I think he started to think of our marriage in a similar way as a justification for allowing himself to be a selfish, lying, cheating jerk. At the time he was cheating, he was blaming me for not being enough for him. I didn’t compliment him but she did, blah blah blah. That’s all crap. It’s not my fault just like it’s not your fault. As much as I’d like to grab his AP by the hair and smash her face, the fault for this lies solely with my husband. Period. It really sucks to have to admit the person you are married to is not who you thought they were and it’s a huge loss.
Female BS - Together 21 years - 2 kids - DDay February 16, 2020