canadien2499
Hello there Guys;
So, it seems he was in love with my wife but totally detached from his own wife; He was not divorcing his wife and had two daughters with her.

He was very affectionate with his wife, and make her satisfied by accommodating her requests; Yet, his complete attention was toward my wife; Why would this happened? Is this Personality related? He was talking to my wife for hours and his wife could not stop him.

He was saying that he grew distant from his wife and had no connection with her; Was this a trick to get my wife to do same to me?
As over time my wife started to openly say the similar negative things like he was saying about his own wife. Somehow they both started to have the similar bad outlook on their marriages and somehow only they could help and love each other.

Is there any way to make them see their fault when they are abandoning their spouses and looking for outside validation and love?
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Vanessa
Hello there Guys;
Is there any way to make them see their fault when they are abandoning their spouses and looking for outside validation and love?


NO YOU cannot MAKE them "see" anything.  You need to stop trying to "control" your spouse into being a better person.  She is who she is and that person is NOT a safe person to invest your life with. 

You did not cause this and you cannot cure this. 

Your wife has chosen to behave in a selfish, cruel and ABUSIVE manner.  And you keep taking it.  If I told you my husband kept beating me and sending me to the hospital would you tell me to try harder to "make him happy" so he would stop beating me?  I sure hope not! Should I blame the local bartender for giving him a drink that caused him to get drunk and therefor beat me when he got home?  No!

But that is the message you are giving yourself.  You are stubbornly refusing to assign the blame for this terrible situation where it belongs - with your wife! 

I feel so frustrated reading your posts - because I was exactly where you are after my Dday- I was willing to put the blame everywhere except with my WS.  One of the things that helped me "wake up" was that my WS (now X) wanted to stay married for 3 years or so to figure out his feelings - yes he wanted to be married to me but living with his AP!  what kind of insanity is that?!  He literally wanted to have his cake and eat it too. 

PLEASE take some time away from this toxic person.  Removing yourself from her triangulation will do one of two things:  One) she will wake up to how much she actually wants a life with you and will work hard to EARN back the privilege of having a life with the person she betrayed or Two) she will dance into the sunset with her AP.  If option two happens then she was never a good match for you to invest your life with.  And it is almost a statistical certainty that she and/or her AP will go on to cheat on each other as well.  But YOU could be living an authentic life with a person who actually values YOU.
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SoUnUsual

Look up the Recovery Room podcast episode on limerance and the one on when infidelity begins. There’s some very good insights on the thought process of people who are cheating.

My husband did the same thing your wife and AP did. He secretly contacted and met up with his high school girlfriend. At their first meeting  She cried about how she was being physically abused by her husband and about how her marriage was so unhappy, etc.

I actually contacted her husband to tell him about the affair and after several pretty long conversations, I believe she was lying about all of it. Her husband believed their marriage was strained but healing and strong. I knew I was struggling with my depression and not feeling connected with my husband but I thought our marriage was ok.  Anyways, I think he started to think of our marriage in a similar way as a justification for allowing himself to be a selfish, lying, cheating jerk.

At the time he was cheating, he was blaming me for not being enough for him. I didn’t compliment him but she did, blah blah blah. That’s all crap. It’s not my fault just like it’s not your fault. As much as I’d like to grab his AP by the hair and smash her face, the fault for this lies solely with my husband. Period.  


It really sucks to have to admit the person you are married to is not who you thought they were and it’s a huge loss.

 

 

Female BS - Together 21 years - 2 kids -  DDay February 16, 2020
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BlindCheetah
Listen to all of the podcasts. You need to hear it all.

Female BS
Married 19 years 
2 tween girls

DDay 10/2019 
Affair 1, 11/2010 to 2/2011
Affair 2, 6/2019 to 12/2019 - Persistent One is still trying to contact him. 

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UrbanExplorer
It's not personality-related but it is affair psychology-related. The affair becomes kind of an obsession and sucks the air out of the (now struggling at least on some level) marriage. The people in the affair convince themselves that they aren't bad for having an affair because their marriages are dull or dead, and it becomes self-fulfilling. The affair feels bright and shiny while the marriage is full of the everyday hassles of life.
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