HangingOn
I want to ask you all about DDays and why they seem to be tracked like birthdays and holidays.  I’m a BS and while I’m aware of several dates that could destroy my heart every year, I have to really think and calculate what exactly they are.  With all the trickle truth Dday to me was technically a whole season (or two)!   I know trauma is marked in memory and along with that comes dates, but I don’t want to give it power.  Maybe I’m bad with them...I don’t remember the exact date of deaths either.  I read so many posts about DDay struggles, years later, references to a date and I can’t figure out why they seem to stay front and center.  If you are working on your marriage and leaning into the relationship why give the dates such power...I have a harder time celebrating my anniversary (the date that actually lost meaning) than struggling with trauma days.  

Im not really sure why I’m asking, I know we are different, yet kinda the same on this journey.  Maybe I see this as an opportunity to talk and help each other take the power back...
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anthro
I think letting memories fade and evolve is actually a strength and you are fortunate if dates like that fade. I can see big shifts in my wife's recollection as compared to what actually happened. I am not bad at letting memories fade but these ones have more grip on me than most so it is taking longer. 

I don't think anyone is actively hanging on though. 
Formerly known as Anthropoidape... male bs, long affair, d-day Feb 2017.
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ABCOneTwoThree
I tend to put my life in chronological order based on past traumas, and I don’t think I’m in the minority there. When something life-altering happens, it’s easy to view your life as “pre-trauma” and “post-trauma”. 
The only reason exact dates became a blur to me in my marriage, was because I simply had too many DDays to keep track of. Certain things would bring specific dates back to the forefront of my mind though, specifically when I needed to keep repeating my pregnancy history to multiple medical providers. My (now ex) husband forced himself on me when I was 11 weeks pregnant, and on pelvic rest, and modified bed rest, causing me to miscarry. He did it again a week later while I was still dealing with a post-loss hemorrhage and I wound up with a septic abortion. Right after he landed me back in the hospital, he started his online activities again to find more women to have sex with. When I’m having to relay that loss, and both hospitalizations to my doctors, it taints the whole month of May for me. I desperately wanted to have another child, and I lost three pregnancies in the course of two years, every loss coincided with infidelity and abuse on his end. After my last loss, I followed up 4 weeks later and told my doctor that I’d had a change of heart, that I didn’t want to keep trying to carry to term, that my home life wasn’t what it should be to have another baby, and that I wanted to get back on birth control. She did a pregnancy test before prescribing, and to my utter shock I was pregnant again. That baby is now 4. My whole OB history is one big trigger for me now. 
I would say that it’s definitely happening less often now that we are no longer together, but when something happens that alters your life so severely, you can’t help but remember and hold on to the date. 
Formerly EasyAsABC 
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HangingOn
I believe if I don’t focus on or dread a particular date it won’t be able to always loom in the distance or hold a force that pulls me back.  Actually I don’t think Dday was the most painful of this hell.  It was realizing that, as I was totally broken, the person I loved and trusted most continued to add fuel to my devastation with more lies & betrayal.  The worst part for me was when I finally realized I really did not know the person I gave 25 years of my life to...I guess since that morphed over time there is no actual date to associate with it.  D day, some day in May, 2-3 years ago doesn’t hold a candle to that...it was simply the day someone opened the door for me to meet this stranger.  I think trying to not track the date would be a healthy goal and one step us BS spouses could strive for to take back our control of our hearts.  
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jasmine
I don’t want to attach significance too much significance to “the” d day because it’s probably more accurate in my own particular story to look at what happened as a continuum. My husband’s behaviour took place in the context of porn/sex addiction, although I don’t believe his physical infidelity was necessarily about addiction. I just think it was an opportunity fuelled by poor decision making, like many infidelities are. D day was the day that my husband said he wanted to stop. It was after d day that I learned the true extent of his addiction. He did so much damage to the relationship by continuing to lie  In many ways “that” d day was just the beginning of worse to come even if it was a very grim day. D day is just an arbitrary date from where I can evaluate our progress, or lack of. The date itself isn’t so fixed in my mind because there were d days before and after that date. The significance is that it was when my husband made the decision to recommit to the relationship but it’s part of a longer history that still carries on. 
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ABCOneTwoThree
jasmine wrote:
D day is just an arbitrary date from where I can evaluate our progress, or lack of. 


I think this is also a pretty understandable reason to keep track of the date. I know there’s no exact formula for recovery, and everyone’s timelines are different, but it’s a good way to gauge for yourself if enough progress has been made in X amount of time for you to feel good about your relationship. 
For my situation, no amount of time that passed made me feel safe with my ex husband again. And I couldn’t ever get back to the point where I even tolerated him, let alone felt any positive emotions for him at all, no matter how much time had gone by. Keeping track of arbitrary dates helped me come to my senses enough to leave him. Ten years of being with someone that never, not once, treated me right was staggering when I stepped back and looked at it objectively. Who does that to themselves? 

From the other side of the aisle, keeping track of DDay as the OW when that relationship continued past DDay was also a bit involuntary. I’d find myself constantly saying things like “it’s been five months, make a real decision”, or “six months of continuing to lie should be all the proof you need that you’re not invested in that relationship”. And sure, maybe I was keeping myself a slave to that date, but in the end knowing how long it had been helped, knowing exactly how long I let myself be used, exactly how long I aided in hurting another person, it all helped me sober up from him. Even keeping track of the date of our last contact, when things got ugly and he threatened me, has been a bit involuntary. It’s amazing the clarity moving on from him has evoked, and I never thought I’d be able to go this long without contact and feel this good. This is the longest we’ve ever gone without contact, and it’s only been just over 3 weeks, imagine how free I’ll feel in 3 months, or a year. 

Date tracking is just human nature, we track the good, and the bad, and everything in between.
Formerly EasyAsABC 
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Keepabuzz
For me, D-day was the day the whole world changed for me. The day the person I married died. The person I thought I was died. The day I learned my marriage had been murdered. The day I learned that I had possibly been exposed to life altering STD’s. The day I realized that I had been sexually assaulted without my knowledge by my wife many, many times. The day my ability to trust another human was instantly destroyed. The day all the joy was sucked out of my life. The day I lost the will to live. The day I came very close to doing things that very likely would have landed me in prison. So, pretty flipping significant.


I get that some others have disclosures spread across longer periods of time. But I didn’t. That date is seared into my soul, and it always will be. My life is truly divided into two sections. Before my wife’s affair and after my wife’s affair. It isn’t as easy as “just don’t track it” for many people. It’s not like I enjoy the pain that day brings. No one does..  
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Vanessa
I have found that different people have different "attachments" to dates.  I remember very clearly when my brother said to me in a melancholy tone, "hard to believe it was one year ago today that we were spreading dad's ashes"  I had NO IDEA of the exact date - I certainly remember the event, and I remember the date that my dad died, but many other dates don't "stick" in my mind like they do in my brother's. 
I remember sending my NowX WH videos from his nephew's gymnastics meet (that I drove 3 hours to attend) and wondering why he was taking so long to respond - well it turns out, as I later learned, that he was on a very fancy "date" with his AP.   I have no idea when that date was, but I remember the gymnastics meet, and I certainly remember feeling like the biggest fool for thinking I was being a "good wife" by going to allow him to "share" in his nephew's event. 

So maybe it is  a matter of certain brains remembering thing in different ways?
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surviving
I am a believer and I was sent a list of things to pray for your spouse on a daily basis.  My DDay was September 5, 2013.  The thing to pray for on that date was:  Day 5
Pray that your husband will be faithful to his wedding vows. Pray that he will have a desire to cultivate your relationship as a sign of his loyalty and commitment to you, and as a picture of Christ’s love for the Church. (Prov. 20:6Gen. 2:24)

So, every month I get to be reminded of his adultery and DDay.  It is hard to forget something that is brought up every stinking month.  If that isn't a slap in the face...?

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Keepabuzz

surviving wrote:
I am a believer and I was sent a list of things to pray for your spouse on a daily basis.  My DDay was September 5, 2013.  The thing to pray for on that date was:  Day 5
Pray that your husband will be faithful to his wedding vows. Pray that he will have a desire to cultivate your relationship as a sign of his loyalty and commitment to you, and as a picture of Christ’s love for the Church. (Prov. 20:6Gen. 2:24)

So, every month I get to be reminded of his adultery and DDay.  It is hard to forget something that is brought up every stinking month.  If that isn't a slap in the face...?


I’m not going to pray my wife can keep her vows, now or ever. She might, I have no idea, but I assure you that if I was aware that she had to pray for help to keep her vows, I would relieve her of the responsibility ASAP.  

Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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hurting
Mine is coming up. 

I’m actually trying to forget the actual date... because I don’t need or want to have a particular date to focus on to say ‘look! This is when my life exploded into ruins!’ 

In reality, it happened long before that with his betrayal and after that too with trickle truth and lies. 

Every time i start thinking of the date i try to redirect my thoughts...
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Blessedby7
The day I found out about my husband's affair, which is usually Dday for most people, is Oct 12. For me that day doesn't hold as much significance as Oct 5-7th, because that was the weekend he was last with her, and Oct 7th is our anniversary.  The 5th through the 7th is hard for me every month, and I'll forever be reminded that our anniversary is no longer truly just ours.

There are a few other dates that hold significance in this ordeal,  but none as much as those.
Female BS
Dday 10/12/2018, but major trigger dates are 10/5-10/7 (wedding anniversary) 
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Damaged

  My D day was September 15, 2016. This was the same day that my daughter was accepted into a very difficult to get into professional program. She is still shocked that I remember the date. 
  I still struggle with D day although less so now 3 years out. This year we attended 2 weddings over Labor Day. The first weddings we have attended since I found out. I’ll have to say that was tough. I actually had a break down between wedding 1 and 2. H said we don’t have to go. But it was as for a close friend’s daughter so we had to attend. He understood that it was difficult for me. I let him know that I just think of it as a party and the wedding doesn’t really mean anything. 

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Keepabuzz
I have been to a few weddings since d-day and they are always hard for me as well. The first one was the toughest as it wasn’t to far after d-day. After that one, every time we have to go, I just pray most of the time that I’m there. I pray that that couple never has to go through what I have had to. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Sadie
I am usually quite bad at remember specific dates.   I am more about remembering the seasons or the feelings of significant events.     
I remember it was summer the first time I met my wh and still remember how I felt that day, almost 30 years ago.     Yet, I don’t think I could even recall the exact year.   Same with his first heart attack.   I know it was near Halloween.  His bypass surgery?  Well, I received valentines flowers while he was in the hospital, yet, I couldn’t give you the exact year.
   Yet...dd2?  Yup.  Still pretty fresh, but mainly because it was my brother’s birthday and I remember that I was too overwrought to call him.  I did find it in me to text him, but still.    
I wish I didn’t remember the date.  I would much prefer to not have that trigger.  I have enough of them already.
    As for weddings?   I used to love them!   Large family, lots to attend.   Now, it is very uncomfortable for me.  The joy is gone.  I wish them well, but I now leave as quickly as possible.   It all just seems like an over priced party to me and all that blind joy for the future.    It’s just hard.
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