Debrina
For the first time i fell for a married man. He made me believe for 2 years that he does not love his wife, wanted to divorce her more than once. We where together for 9 months before we became sexual. Then everything became more serious. He made me believe that he want me in my life....that his wife is manupilating him with his 4 kids, thats the reason he is taking so long to divorce he does not want to loose his kids. I believed and trusted him. Until i moved nearer to him. Thats what he wanted, so we could see each other more. He told me his priority now is to work on our relationship and get a divorce. Once i was nearer  i started feeling a change. Then hot then cold....ignoring me...until i become angry. Then i just had it and told his wife of our 2 year relationship and what he promised ect. She said she will never leave him and he can sleep around...but she is so devastated? And they ganged up against me.....like i am guilty.....i was in shock!!!  My question is....does being married give u immunity to be guilty? This man convinced me that he is only married on paper and that she uses their kids to hold on to him he feels like he has no life, like he is in jail. I gave him so many chances to leave me and asked him soooo many times are u sure about what u want to do...... I will never do it again. I lowered my standards for him, cause i believed and trusted him. He is 40. I am 49. His wife is 43 or 44.
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TimT
It makes it so much easier when we can explain a messy situation in black-and-white terms, so it's not uncommon to see blame directed to one person, or a single influence. It's almost never that simple.

Unfortunately, you've learned the hard way what so many "other women" (or other men) have learned... that promises made in an affair are as easily broken as promises made in a marriage.

Believe me, your story is a common one, but I know that doesn't diminish the confusion and pain you feel. The question is, how do YOU heal from this? I hope you can move on, be willing to learn from the hard lessons, and know what a secure and stable relationship looks like in the future.
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Keepabuzz
In my opinion the other woman or man is always to blame equally to the cheating spouse. The only exception would be if the cheating spouse hid that fact that they were married and other woman or man was unaware that the cheating spouse was married. 

Clearly you knew he was married and was cheating on his wife AND children. So yes, you are to blame, just as equally as he is. 

I always find it strange when people have relationships with married people, and then are surprised when this person turns out to be untrustworthy, have a lack of integrity, and is of low moral character. He is more than willing to lie to his wife, then he has no problem to to anybody else. 

I would say cut contact with both your former lover, and his wife. Go find someone that isn’t married. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Laurajean83
In the after effects of everything finding out who to blame has only limited value.  But you do need to take responsibility that you did contribute to the pain and suffering of the wife and possibly also children.  

The challenge is clearly you had strong feelings for this man and it is now time for you to move on from him and let go.  Keepabuzz is right that it is important for you to go no contact with the wife and husband.  It is a hard situation all around and I imagine you will also need to do some self reflection and growing.  You are welcome to do that here and may have a unique perspective to offer, yet at times you may get some kinda harsh comments.  Many people are struggling through their own trauma.  
WW, Dday 7 months ago

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.  Who can understand it.  Jer 17:9
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jmh78
Psychologically, I think affairs are really complicated, but they are also very simple.  Putting all morality, right and wrong, and good/bad aside, this is just the natural evolution of a love triangle.  When you were with your AP, it was the two of you against his wife.  I’m sure you encouraged him when he was telling you how awful she was.  Now the roles are reversed and it’s him and his wife against you.  You’ve learned a hard lesson and lots of people have been hurt, but luckily you can now choose to remove yourself from the situation, make yourself a better person, and not fall into this trap again.
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anthropoidape
If there's any point in working out the delicate shades of blame then sure, the OW or OM can be less to blame. Or maybe can be to blame for foolishness and naivety and bad judgment rather than malice, and for helping another to lie rather than being a liar. 

There is one thing though,  and that is: how could you ever have thought that his behaviour was good for his children? Maybe you never met them, and maybe all's fair among adults, but we all have an obligation to care about what we do that harms children.

But it is beside the point isn't it? You got played, by him and by yourself, into believing what suited you when it was obviously just a clichéd bit of nonsense.

The best thing for you is to disappear from that family's world altogether. That's best for you and best for him. Best for his wife and kids too.

There isn't even anything for you to chalk up to experience, because you already knew that affairs, cheating, destroying homes, and lying were wrong. Everyone knows that. So there is nothing much to look back on and think about.

Yes, if it makes you feel better, he is far, far more to blame. He is also going to have far, far more to live with from all this... if he does give a rat's about his kids, at least. 

You can put it behind you and invest some time into someone who is not a definite liar right out of the box.

On the upside it's guaranteed that almost any random human being is a better catch than he was. You can't do worse unless you start trawling prisons.
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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Laurajean83
That's awesome...  a little harsh...  But very articulate and accurate...   with a bit of humor (the dark, sarcastic kind) 
WW, Dday 7 months ago

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.  Who can understand it.  Jer 17:9
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Keepabuzz
I would say Anthro’s comment was right on point. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Sorry
Its sad but cruel how the cards seem to all be dealt after discovery.

It's often like the person having an affair has two faces. Day and night.

In many cases a cheating husband takes the path of least resistance. Much easier to paint you with the evil malicious other woman who ensnared him brush than work in shades of gray.

After about a year of therapy I one day had a little melt down because I realised my affair partner was not completely evil incarnate and I missed some of his better qualities but still did not want him in my life and according to the therapist that shows huge progress.

It is so much easier to hate an affair partner and all that they stand for than to hate the cheating partner. This mutual ganging up on affair partner is common and I think almost necessary part to start the healing process. It may be messed up... But post affair what isn't? 

As has been alluded to frequently is how. Lucky you are to have dodged that bullet, I am pretty sure that my ex AP is already scouting out a replacement, so glad I am not the one at home waiting for him and worrying all the time that he'll do it again or is lying. I honestly don't know how some BS's do it. 

I find that this topic is such a "from both sides one", the " lower than prison scum" spoken of is also someone's husband.  Someone who may even be on this site trying desperately to save their marriage.

I guess it helps to be prepared to view all people who engage in affairs as humans who made exceptionally poor and selfish life decisions but are not above (or below)  making changes to become a better person. 
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anthropoidape
Everyone can make changes and redeem themselves, though not always in the context of the relationships they damaged. 

But yes. The reconciliation process, in practical reality, is on some levels always going to have to include demonising the AP. This is because (a) the BS is at full stretch to forgive one person and see their WS in a positive light; two is asking too much  and (b) the WS surely can't sit there defending the AP or there is no way the marriage will survive.

I was quite ready to forgive the AP as well as my wife. The first time I saw him after d day he broke down crying (selfish tears, but still) and I held him while he sobbed... one of the most surreal experiences in history I reckon. However he simplified things by acting like utter human filth after his d day (a fortbight after ours) and thoroughly earned any and all demonisation. 
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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Anna26
anthropoidape wrote:

But yes. The reconciliation process, in practical reality, is on some levels always going to have to include demonising the AP. This is because (a) the BS is at full stretch to forgive one person and see their WS in a positive light; two is asking too much  and (b) the WS surely can't sit there defending the AP or there is no way the marriage will survive.



Have to agree with you here Anthro. I was really angry with my H at first and seemed to ignore her completely. But a long time later and I'm remembering a lot of the good things about him and I'm angrier with her for, in my eyes, taking advantage of him at a time when I know he was really low. But still not excusing him. And that's despite us still living seperately and me not trusting him yet. I guess when you are working 'together' at reconciliation the WS has to be 'seen to be doing' in some sense and the spouse needs somewhere to hang the blame so it's not always targeted at the WS. Does that make sense?  You say it so much more articulately than I. 
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Heidi
This is a really interesting topic, and I’m so impressed at the civilised discussion here. It’s funny, because like Anna at first I didn’t blame the OW at all. She had a hatred for me though - that involved her tweeting about me (yes I checked), contacting me through my work website, and telling my husband (they still worked together and he was an ass) how weak I was for taking him back. 

And then as I learned the things they did (they spent the night in my bed while my 12 year old son was in the house, she stole some of my 15 year old daughter’s clothes), I began to hate them both. But while my WH did the work, found remorse and has never stopped being sorry for what he did, she has never said sorry, never shown remorse to me. And even after 3 years I would welcome an apology. 

Nowadays i I feel very little towards her unless I’m triggered by something. Time is a healer and she has become irrelevant in our lives.
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Ginger


so glad I am not the one at home waiting for him and worrying all the time that he'll do it again or is lying. I honestly don't know how some BS's do it. 




Isn't your spouse one of those people? 

The "others" get a bad rap bc they did bad things to innocent people.  I know my husband was the om.  He deserves the bad rap he gets over there.  And from me.  


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Wc59
To think back on everything, although I thought both my H and the OW were at fault, I was angrier at the OW. We had been close friends and we worked together. I had shared a lot with her. I even had introduced her to my H because she was looking to advance herself in an area my H had a lot of experienceand  I thought he would be a good mentor.   I had naively thought that because I had boundaries with my own relationships their's would be no different. In the end felt that I had been totally played. Logically I knew that my H had just as much responsibility for what happened as she did but I always felt that as my friend how could she do what she did. I later learned that using people was her means to an end without remorse.

I have to admit that it has taken a long time for me to trust my assessment of someone's character.
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Sorry
Ginger wrote:


so glad I am not the one at home waiting for him and worrying all the time that he'll do it again or is lying. I honestly don't know how some BS's do it. 

I meant in terms of how my ex AP still behaves around other people.

But I do understand what you mean. I really hope that he doesn't. I have tried to be as transparent as possible and allow him to voice any concerns.

I also know I have no secrets from him and act appropriately so I like to think.

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