Valntine66

It has been 4 months since D-Day and my BS has been living with our oldest daughter, less than 10 miles south of our home.  She comes here sometimes to get her clothes to take to our daughters house.  She also comes to our home on the weekends since it's closer to the church for our Deaf ministry (we work together in the Deaf ministry).  But she refuses to move back into the house.  We are simultaneously getting our house ready to sell.  Once it is sold, my BS tells me that I have to move into an apartment alone while she plans on staying with our oldest daughter for a while longer (or her own apartment).

Ok, I hear it stressed, preached, hounded, and emphasized, “Give her time”.  Yet, I read from some counselors, both Christian and non-Christian that in order to start working on the marriage, both have to communicate on working on the marriage, "Separation breeds contentment.".  My BS sees our pastor alone and I see him alone, but she has yet to exhibit any progress, well, if I really look at it, there is some progress.  She has yet filed for divorce, coming over the weekends (mainly because the church is too far for travel on Sunday morning), and invited me to go to CA this next 2 weeks for our youngest son’s graduation gift. 

 

All that said, which is better to work on the marriage, separated or living in the same home?  How can I work on the marriage if she is not here.  I have read 13 books since D-Day all dealing with improving myself, mymarriage, mychildren, myfamily, and all about the betrayed spouses pain and psychology: Please anyone of you that are in my shoes or have been in my shoes or those that have not been in my shoes where the BS stayed in the home with the WS, please give me insight as to what to do. thank you.

 

 

Val
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Guiltguilt
Sounds like you're taking the situation back rather than leaving it where it should be. My experience is that the only person I can work on is me. I couldn't "work on the marriage". It takes two to do that. In fact, the more you try, the more you may push her away.

I had to let go of any expectations I had, accept the position I created and just act as if I was getting on with my life, even though I really hope we can give it another go. After 11 months, last night was our 2nd MC session and it was productive. We probably talk more now than we have for years, and I never thought that possible. If she decides that she doesn't want to try again, I'll be ok too.


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Valntine66
I get it that all I can do is work on me.  I am working on me and she is working on her, according to our pastor.  I gave this analogy to my pastor in my last session.  I have a bag of tools I learned how to use, I have all the "right" tools to rebuild our marriage, but the one thing I don't have is the one thing that those tools can work on, Her.

I was just wondering why some couples live together after D-Day, some don't.  the couples that I have read about that don't live together end up leaving.  Some done, they work together.

I know I caused the damager and I want to do the work and revamp this marriage to bring God the glory.  my impatience is showing.
Val
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Heidi
4 months is still very early in recovery terms. My WH was still feeding me trickle truths at that point. And even now (16 months later) there are days when I am still feeling very low. I get the need to want recovery to happen quickly, especially when you were the one that caused the situation, but it doesn't work that way.

See the fact that your wife is even willing to talk to you as a gift from God. For so many people affairs are an absolute deal breaker. The rest of it is completely out of your control right now. Believe me, as a BH I know how painful that lack of control is. Whatever yoyre feeling, your wife is likely feeling it ten fold.

One of the best things my WH said to me was that he'd wait for me as long as it took. He gave the control for my healing over to me. He worked on his own healing, showing me that he was trying to become the man I thought he was, someone kind and trustworthy.

Put it this way - what's your hurry? Have you got somewhere to be? Something else you want to do? If you have, it's your right to ask for a separation / end things. You don't have to wait forever. But if the only thing you want is reconciliation then hold tight. She needs you to be the rock right now.
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UrbanExplorer
lleckron wrote:
I get it that all I can do is work on me.  I am working on me and she is working on her, according to our pastor.  I gave this analogy to my pastor in my last session.  I have a bag of tools I learned how to use, I have all the "right" tools to rebuild our marriage, but the one thing I don't have is the one thing that those tools can work on, Her.

I was just wondering why some couples live together after D-Day, some don't.  the couples that I have read about that don't live together end up leaving.  Some done, they work together.

I know I caused the damager and I want to do the work and revamp this marriage to bring God the glory.  my impatience is showing.


We stayed under the same roof after D-day because of our three young kids. Logistically, it takes two of us to manage them, and the oldest one specifically worried about us separating/divorcing. That said, we really had to take a step back and find a way to coparent peacefully without working on our marriage itself. The initial pressure to fix things is what led me close to divorce, or maybe even suicide. We had a lot of things to work on individually. I agree with the suggestion of not moving quickly. I suspect it takes months to years to see how a marriage shakes out after an affair.
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