Skelling Show full post »
No I aggree. It would be foolish to think, that this could never happen to me again. Believing that this would never happen to us, was very arogant and foolish to begin with and look where it got us. But you are right, I am not naive or blind to the possibility of this happening anymore. However, I choose to take that risk of getting hurt again with the man, who already did the mistake and is willing to do everything in his power to minimize that risk. Rather than choosing a new relationship with someone, who has never been in this situation, as you said there are no guarantees. And its probably the hardest thing, I will ever do. So for me to guard my heart as best as possible, is to stay with the man, who is willing to work through this. And this is what I meant with being vulnerable because I agree, if I were to come into the same situation in a new relationship, I don't think, I could sink lower than I have already been but getting hurt twice by the same man, who saw what infidelity can do to us including our children, would be even worse. But I am willing to try and take this risk, because I might also end up with a very beautiful marriage. I wouldn't call it a new marriage. Its more like an upgrade to the old one. I keep the old features, because for me, the marriage that we had, was not all bad, I just refuse to believe that. There is always room for improvement of course just like with a phone or the computer. So I am willing to run the update, see how I like it, before even thinking of replacement. I meant my vows as well and only because he broke his, doesn't mean I can break mine now. And thats what I mean with being vulnerable. I KNOW of the chance of getting hurt again but despite that, I am willing to try, but for that I have to go all out, accept the possibility of being hurt but love wholeheartedly nevertheless. As for the children, I absolutely agree. It is horrible for them and I so wish, I could have spared my kids all of this. This is one of the biggest issues I have with the OW, that she supposely loves children... but didn't waste one thought about the 4 children involved in this mess. And you are right I would always put my children, before my own needs but also agree that the children should not be the only reason to stay in a marriage. But I agree, that without the children, I don't know, if I would have stayed. As for a second marriage, I don't know if I coud do this either. I gave my vows once and don't think, I would be able to give them again to someone else. Going forward though, I want to work on the marraige that I have got and I don't want to keep looking over my shoulder and therefore hold back in giving love, but I want to walk forward with eyes wide open but also with an open heart. That is the way that I choose, if it will be the right one, I do not know. I might be able to give an answer to that on my death bed. Or ask me in a week, and I might tell you something completly different. This rollercoaster sucks.
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I think we are saying about the same thing. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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@Misericordia I am glad that my answers didn't just trigger pain and hate.

I am sorry for not replying earlier but as my wife said, I was hung up at work and personally, it was a rather crazy/difficult week.

I think this week we took away a lot of time and energy from our healing process to help another couple who ended up in the same (or worse) mess. It was crazy to see the same patterns (minimizing, lying to friends and yourself, hurting your partner even more) oneself was going through. In the process of trying to help them I felt very helpless as the WS was clearly not understanding what they had done. I was trying to give the WS insight into what I have learned but realized fast that it was not being heard. I think I projected my desire to be ok again onto them and thought foolishly that healing can be started asap and accelerated by giving them the right recipe. It didn't help them and even less my wife and myself. Our counselor fortunately made it clear that we should focus on ourselves right now and that we are not in the place yet to help them as much as they probably need. 

To every WS, you have got to learn to be patient (hardest thing for me) and to continue to work on yourself (you must not pause for whatever as it is more important to your spouse than you think). Also be grateful for every little ray of sunshine from your spouse, it's more you could ever ask for cause if you don't thunder clouds come up really fast and you will have no shelter. 

To the BS, please give us a hint if we get distracted and start to fall behind.
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