Okay, time to unpack the Affair Healing Wiffle bat here. Buckle up, it's tough love time...
I have to say the story doesn't sound quite right. It's very similar to what my AP told his wife. He told her I was separated from my H and I came onto him. The truth is he promised me he was going to leave his wife, and I didn't leave my husband until AFTER he found out about the OM.
This is what they call "throwing your AP under the bus". Most of these men go into survival mode and make up whatever lies they can to save themselves.
Personally I have a problem with the way these men blame their AP, and their wives fall for the lies. You've heard the saying "it takes two to tango" and that's exactly right. Nobody is putting a gun to their heads. They are 50% responsible for what happened. Why be angry at the AP when she is not the one who made a commitment to you?
Honestly, I am not seeing any moral high ground here. Both of you are liars. Who lied more is irrelevant. Who did what first is irrelevant. One could counter that you laying blame to your AP (because he didn't live up to his promise?) is throwing your AP under the bus too.
How can you have a problem with what your AP is doing when you are posting that your AP was the first to tell you that he loved you, said he was gonna leave his wife, that he lied to her? How does that have any bearing to you? You realize that he didn't hold a gun up to your head and make you chose to step out on your marriage either, right? YOU made that choice. Who cares what your (former) AP did? In my eyes, you're shifting blame.
There is good and bad to speaking with the AP. If you're not sure your H is telling you the truth, she would be a good person to talk to. She will tell you exactly the promises he was making to keep her. Just be ready to be devastated all over again. BTW, it was my AP who said "I love you" first.
I personally don't think there is a point to talking to the AP, because there is nothing to verify that what she (or he) is saying is true. There are a lot of feelings in the mix, and literally no gain from that contact, other than to throw gasoline on the fire. Perhaps it is better to just not even give the AP the attention, and focus it where it matters most, your own sanity and well-being.
I am aware of the actions of my AP's wife after she found out. My AP is playing a good game, blaming his wife for him stepping out on the marriage, telling her what SHE has to do to keep HIM. It's embarrassing. She is all over Facebook declaring her love for him. In all likelihood he has done it before and will do it again. I believe that because he knew exactly what to do during our A to cover his tracks, and he knew exactly what to do after the A. He even told me she would be over it in 6 months and he could come back to me. Yes I did go through a long period of time upset because I wasn't "chosen", but now that I know how he really is, I feel it is a blessing. It is his wife I feel sorry for now.
So, you have not gone completely no contact here.
The thing here that bothers me here is that you still are not getting it. Who cares what your AP did, didn't do, how he justified it, whether he will do it again, whether he covered his tracks, whether you were chosen or not, whether he would "return" for you. All of that is meaningless in your story.
It's not his fault you cheated. It's yours. Period.
You thought you loved him? He duped you? Your fault. Not his. You chose to believe this, and you chose wrong.
Why are you keeping tabs on what is going on in your AP's life? It's your recovery, and this will make it harder to reconcile with your husband.
You have to let go. This is why you are having trouble getting over him, it's because you haven't completely accepted that you, and ONLY you, are responsible for your actions. Trust me, I know first hand!
If these men do not get help, if they don't realize they have a problem and show real remorse and a desire to change, they will do it again. He needs to be getting help on his own, not just because you make him. I don't even believe him blocking her and cutting off contact is a good clue. My AP told me that's what he was going to have to do. He already knew how to play the game. I hope all of you women have enough self worth to recognize the difference. You are not second best or in competition. It is your husband that needs to prove he is worthy enough of you.
I totally agree with you here. By the way, where are you in this? Are you walking the walk here? It's not "these men" but "these people." It is NOT gender specific here... You cheated too, remember? What he did (or didn't do) is of no consequence in this matter, because you are no longer in a relationship with your AP.