Sorry
Its been two years and 359 days since I put an end to the stupidest decision of my life, and ended an affair, and another few days after that I told my husband.

Tonight, and a lot recently, things feel normal. My husband and I are in a pretty normal and happy space.

I grazed my knee getting out of the pool this afternoon, and that is the most painful thing I am currently dealing with. 

It feels so normal, after months and months of purgatory. Because after an affair life can become life purgatory. That sunburn and a grazed knee are the "painful" aspects of my life.

I thing that my husband is in a similar place, though he didnt graze, his knee his sunburn is much worse than mine. 😉


If you are stuggling and really facing battles, just remember that this too shall pass. Three years or even two years ago I would never have believed that I could even return to this point. But I guess I am here.

I think that whether you decide to stay, or go, divorce or work on a marriage. At some point your life will return to a "normal", so please hang in there. This too shall pass. 
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Sadie
Here’s hoping!
thank you for the encouraging post.  I am also jealous that you are in a warm enough place where you can swim this time of year!  Lol
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midwestgirl
Sorry....I agree with Sadie, THANK YOU for such an encouraging post. My husband and I are in a more 'normal' place than I would ever have thought possible. We keep moving forward together, but my head sometimes turns backwards...or at least to the side. I remind myself to look where we are going...not where we have been.

Your post made me smile, thank you for taking the time to post. I am rooting for your husband, you, and all of us!
BS, Dday 09/17
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notemanj
That was beautiful. Thank you. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. And I didn’t have an easy life. But ultimately, I am beginning to believe that it is worth it. 

Waiting to hear from our attorney has made me even crazier at times. But my H is working so hard at taking care of us for the first time ever. 

Thank you, Sorry. For this post and many others. I am happy to hear that your knee is your biggest worry. I hope it heals fast. 
Female BS Married 18 yrs
DDay 3/7/2017 through 5/15/2018 and counting. 
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ThrivenotSurvive
Sorry - Thank you for posting this.  I have been meaning to return to the forum myself and do the same.  It's now been 31 months since my husband confessed his affair.  The first year was hell, the second a rollercoaster of up and down (more up as time went on - but sometimes that made the downs even more terrifying). 

But now moving closer to three years - it doesn't dominate my thoughts, or our relationship.  Our relationship is happy - we enjoy each other and take nothing for granted - either of us.  Granted this took an enormous effort on both our part - my husband had to look at a LOT of difficult, unresolved issues from childhood and learn a LOT of new emotional skills he'd never possessed.  And I had to learn a lot about myself.  I dug deep to find a resilience I didn't know I had.  I learned that the only person who got to determine my worth was ME and that no one else could control my happiness either. And the hardest of all - I learned to LIVE my own values.  I'd always believed in redemption and that people were not the sum of the worse thing they've done - but putting beliefs into practice when it's your heart that's broken takes this to a whole new level.  

Interestingly, even though I would NEVER wish this on anyone it's had unexpected gifts.  I like the person I have become - and the person my husband has become even more than before.  We are both more open, more connected, more compassionate, more loving.  And excitingly, my husband's repeated efforts with no expectations or demands - has finally paid off.  Our daughter has finally reached a place of understanding and forgiveness and their relationship is actually becoming deeper than it was even before this happened.  

I wanted to make sure that those enduring the torment of the early times know that there IS a light at the end of the tunnel.  It takes a ton of commitment on your part to heal (which seems deeply unfair, but unfortunately, is still true) and a LOT of work on your spouse's part if the relationship is to not just survive - but actually thrive - post-affair.  But it is totally possible.  I am actually feeling really excited about the coming year - both personally and for us as a family.  

I hope the same for everyone who finds themselves here - you have all been a big part of my healing - even when you didn't know it because I was just reading but not interacting on the posts.  May you find peace and joy in the coming year.
BS - Female
Married 26 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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Kiki
I am so happy for you and your family! You truly have something to look forward to.
Happy New Year!!! 
D-Day#1 Dec 19, 2017
D-Day#2 Jan 13, 2018
5 year “on/off affair”

Married 25 years, together 35 
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Damaged
Like Sorry and Thrive, my relationship is also going really well. I am 2 years 3 months from D day 1. 1 year 9 months from D day 2( phone contact). WH has done absolutely everything since to repair relationship. Year 1 I was in a daze. Severe depression.  At about Year 2 I started to feel better ( probably safer) in the relationship. I’ve had a lot of good days and very few bad days over the last few months. Our relationship is so much better. I can say that I love him again. 
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ssix6pack
We have so many good days, good times, and happy moments already. I know we’re healing. I’m looking forward to them increasing. I sometimes still feel insecure with my healing. Time, I’m sure, will continue to help.  Thanks for sharing. 
Betrayed female
Feb 10th husband had ONS
Feb 11th was d-day 
Heartbroken, but healing.
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MC
This is a really uplifting series of posts.  Thanks to all. 

I am in the second year, and it has brought clarity that I found difficult to achieve in year one.  Christmas 2017 was 9 months after D-day.  Although we had made significant progress by then, I wondered if events like Christmas would ever be free from the shadow of her affair.  Would I ever be able to enjoy events again, without intrusive thoughts of the affair?  Christmas 2018 was so much less clouded and I felt so much more free.  It is very true that "the first _________" (fill in the blank) post-D-day is difficult.  And I have experienced that "the second _________" post D-day is less clouded with traumatic emotions generated by the past.  This was true of our annual beach vacation, football season (where the OM is present), Birthdays, Thanksgiving, etc.  I am eager to get to the "the third _________" post D-day, especially reading of everyone else's experiences here.  I hope to eventually be in the present moment more fully.  I believe I will be.  What you are all sharing here gives me hope!

Male BS, D-day 3-15-17
________________
Male BS, 3.15.2017

Taking care of myself, as we all deserve to do.
Encouraging all to bolster their: Emotional Health, Physical Health and Spiritual Health
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Sorry
Today I just as my scab fell off I fell while hiking and reply did some serious damage to my knee....think knee are definitely significant here.
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ThrivenotSurvive
Sorry wrote:
did some serious damage to my knee....think knee are definitely significant here.


I hope this doesn’t mean you accidentally damaged your progress in your marriage.  If so, I hope you and your husband can handle it with grace - wishing you the best. 
BS - Female
Married 26 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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Sorry
Hello, no euphamism! In hospital getting an MRI now. 
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ThrivenotSurvive
Sorry wrote:
Hello, no euphamism! In hospital getting an MRI now. 


Well, I am not glad you are getting an MRI, but happy to hear it is not a euphemism.  Hope you are on the way to a speedy recovery!
BS - Female
Married 26 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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MC


Well, I am not glad you are getting an MRI, but happy to hear it is not a euphemism.  Hope you are on the way to a speedy recovery!


Three cheers for recovery!

Healing together!  All of you are a big part of my healing.  Thank you.

________________
Male BS, 3.15.2017

Taking care of myself, as we all deserve to do.
Encouraging all to bolster their: Emotional Health, Physical Health and Spiritual Health
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Allthatremains
I hope these posts can be read by those in their first year post DDay - as that first year, even into the second, is so dark that it seems the way out is unattainable. If I were to give advice 26 months out it would be this. Get help from a therapist or a marriage counselor once the emotional roller coaster has subdued and you are both able to look at this. I am a betrayed spouse and I believe it took my husband 10 months before he could even see straight. he knew he had made a terrible error and wanted to return to our marriage and make amends but he was still lost in his own reasons for having the affair and slowly had to let go and find safety in me as well. That sounds strange but if you are anything like I was - a betrayed spouse is unstable, scary and intimidating. Our own feelings cannot be controlled and one minute you want to kick him out and the next you want to hug him and never let him go. Until I found a way to make communication safe, he was not wanting to open up for fear of what he was going to get. Once we both knew we wanted to 100% rebuild then the real healing could begin. Now we are on a smoother road but it is not easy and most men find it hard to deal with guilt and shame so unpeeling the layers to get at why this happened is a process. I too am in a better place and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. As long as he continues for the ride I can see where this affair won't live with me as  much as it used to or even as much as it still does. There are still the triggers, the unanswered questions and sometimes still the longing for it never to have happened. Finding the way to re-connect without reservations, to talk about whatever may be going on with the trust that your partner has your back no matter what will bring the peace and love back in a stronger way. For all the people out there in the early days - I wish you peace in your heart and mind. Only you can quiet the negative voices.
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