Personally, I would like to know everything my WH shared with his AP about us. Because of course, he did not really talk to me about us but he did her. So why can't he share with me what he shared with her...but really, I don't want to know what he told her because then I will worry and fret over what was said. How he portrayed me. I'm not the person I once was. I am forever changed, so the AP can think and say whatever she wants to about my life, my marriage, but it will be lies, because his story to her was shaded. He was and has admitted to being manipulated by her. So i'm sure she feed him stories or made him believe things about us that were in fact not actually true. But it made her look better in his eyes for the moment. I wish that this would have never happened, but it did and there is nothing I can do to change what has happened. I can only control and change what I do from here. My WH has begun to open up and communicate and be truly honest with me about the A, this has taken time...more time than what I would have liked, but it is what it is. He has lied more through the A to me about stupid stuff that I already knew the answer to..but he had his head too far up his rearend to realize I knew. So I stopped asking questions because it only made me angry. I stepped back and continued to move forward with my life while he figured out his. He is being honest with me now and communicating with me about little things. Maybe step back and stop asking questions and give him space to open up and talk to you when he is ready. Its hard...so hard. I like asking questions...esp WHY!! and I like to get honest answers. I'm not saying wait forever. Continue working on you and doing what you feel like you need and have to do for the relationship and what you can live with. Hope this makes sense....we are almost 10 months past dday...he didn't start being honest until about 6 weeks ago. He answered questions before but some where half truths and some were lies.
This right here, spot on.
I can answer the whole "why did we tell the AP and not our Spouse" question from my own experience...
It was easier to talk to the AP, because the stage was set for it to be easier. It's like being able to confide in someone that you have no real repercussions for. It's being dishonest, really. Instead of having that sh-tty conversation with who matters, (your spouse) the AP makes it so you feel safe, like they "get you."
In my case, the things taht I told my AP came to bite me in the ass later, but I digress. The problem with this is that you start to develop feelings for this person. This is literally the beginning of the affair fog.
If you think on it, it's just like when you started going out with your spouse. Things clicked. There came a time when you knew he/she was "the one" because of all things that seemed to click.
The same thing happens with that AP, but it's based off of a one-sided give and take. In my case my AP didn't really give too much information or backstory, but it didn't matter because I was too busy giving mine to her. It was as if she was enthralled with everything about me, what I wanted... and she gave those things to me, if only for a while.
Now, I can call this manipulation, like I was duped. But that's bull. The truth is, I let myself be duped. I wanted to believe it. I was in control of my actions... they may have happened really, really fast for me, but in the end it WAS my decision to go there. The thing is, when we are talking about the "fog" we are not trying to minimize things, or give an excuse, we are trying to explain why it is that we came to make a decision that, looking back, is sooooo stupid.
The WHY may be important to begin with. I think it's like a holy grail though. It's as if a BS figures once they know about why it happened, things will get back on track. WHY is good to know if you can then turn and say, okay, that's WHY we got there, now HOW do we proceed?
One thing I have learned is that if the relationship is based off of anything besides absolute TRUTH in this repair stage, you're doomed. It's just impossible. That means from BOTH sides.
If there is any ambiguity, then it needs to be outed. Talked about. Yes, the discussions are going to suck. How could they not? We are talking betrayal. But it's looking to what the GOOD questions at this moment are.
It's not necessarily WHY??? that matters here, but WHAT NOW? How do we proceed? Is there hope here? WHAT do you (and I mean each other...) NEED?
One common theme from most stories that I have read is that somewhere along the relationship, for some reason or another, that line of communications was lost. I have said it before... WHO cares who is right? I mean, we can just all go out on a limb to say that the WS was WRONG in this situation to choose what they did.
KEY WORD: CHOSE.
So, we all agree with that. Now it's time to talk about WHAT NOW?
Brandi... so what I am getting at with all this...
In your case your husband is trying to minimize everything. He is trying to sweep it under the rug, saying - let's not dwell on the past.
Okay. So, lets pretend that's possible. It is - but maybe not right this second.
So, the question is, what would make that possible?
Like, if you were to do what your husband wanted, to basically forget all this and "move on," then what do you need for that to happen?
What my wife needed.. she told me that she was taking a HUGE risk. She needed to know that I would never do this again. How would or could she be reasonably sure that in 6 months, I wouldn't see another woman and go and try to have sex with her. So, here is what I had to do.
I had to work on myself. I could just say the words... "I'll NEVER do that again." But, I knew that wouldn't be enough.
You know, one thing I'm not sure that I conveyed here... my wife is a firecracker. She's Italian. LOL Nice generalization there... but it's what she says. It used to be me, the one who would leave to "cool down" in a fight. I stopped doing that a few years ago because I stopped smoking. So, the fights would escalate. I mean, sometimes she got physical, throwing things... I'm not wired that way, so it would be one of those things that the fight would never resolve... I would just shut down because I didn't want to get into that and perhaps have my son see that, or worse have something happen (like one time she threw a toy car and broke our T.V.)
Thing is, with all this, one thing she consciously changed was the time it took her to process information. I mean, she literally changed that by hearing the information, and then dweling on it until she came to a consensus. What a change!
It allowed us to actually talk to each other, and it's different now, because I can say things to her that I wasn't able to say before, and she can hear things that I was too afraid to say before. Plus, with the change we both did there, more stuff gets resolved because we actually get it out in the open.
My point here is that since you have been going about this in the way you have, if it's not working, perhaps changing your approach will work? For example, if you tell your husband, "Look, I have to process this sh*t, and I'll get back to you.." and then you think on it...
Perhaps you will be able to put it past you. Get over it, so to speak. That's what he wants, right? So, what are the things that have to happen in order for you to do that? Do you need a truth session? All of his passwords? Perhaps you just need him to come clean, once and for all about why he did what he did. Like, no bull, just like what happened. Perhaps you need to tell him that in order for you to move on, HE will need to be sure that it will NEVER happen again. I'm NOT talking avoidance, I'm talking where I am....
I will NEVER hurt my partner that way again. I literally turned her life upside down with my actions, and my careless thoughts. I was selfish, and instead of protecting the one thing that I should have, I carelessly tossed it away and allowed myself to be enamored with my OWN story that I concocted about a GIRL I worked with, and to be honest... I WANTED to sleep with. (I mean, strip away all bull, and that is what you are left with, right? There is no blame shifting there, no minimization, or excuses there...)
Why will I never do that again? Because I could never put her through that again. I love my wife, and it took almost losing her to realize what I almost threw away. I will NEVER do that again, becuase I am truly NOT that guy. Put me in the exact same situation.. Hell, put me in a situation where I KNOW I would never get caught... and I won't do it? Why?
Because I wouldn't be okay with it. I could not look at myself and say, "Self! You did a good job there." Because I would not want to hurt my wife again. I don't want my child uncontrollably crying in his class because he doesn't understand why Daddy moved out, and is now with this weird woman that is trying to replace him with her. I don't want to lose my true soulmate, the one woman who all of my friends REFUSE to let play a game together because we are so well aligned that it's just not fair. (I'm talking things like charades, Cranium, etc.)
You know, 30 minutes ago, I asked my wife. "Would you consider our relationship better, worse, or the same as before."
She answered, "It's definitely different. But it's way better than before."
Truth, from both sides. Communication. Honest communication. I.E. you may need to say to him, Okay, that works for you. It's not going to work for me. Here's why. How do we proceed from here.
One last thing. If you continue on this path to try and restart (because you can't save something that is already broken) your marriage, remember two words:
Curiosity, and Truth.