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Kalmarjan
Tim2014 wrote:
Yes you're right kal but also remember that if you're still in the fog it wouldn't matter either way what you did or say! At that point I say expose the wS ap especially if he/ she's married because everyone has the right to know ! Either way as a bs you're going to deal with anger and lies deceit as the norm because as it has been said repeatedly you're what's standing in the way of happiness so the wS think ! Remember history has already been rewritten to justify the actions!!
I get what your saying but really keeping a secret just adds to the lies and deceit that's already taken place.
Like it has been said before its when you take that long hard look in the mirror and you don't like what you see reflecting back is when you can start doing the hard work necessary !
The thing is sure the bssin this world aren't perfect in this and the wS aren't either!
But now the wS are even farther away from perfect! So hey when people find out wow she's / he's not such a stand up person so be it!
If the shoe was on the other foot wouldn't you want to know?
The majority of stories you read on here it sounds like it doesn't matter except to the bs! the wS continues on with head stuck in the sand bit at least their bs knows why for sure their being treated like crap!
You'll never really know how or what would have happen of your bs kept her mouth shut but I'm guessing from your writings the same same thing ! You had your head buried! Just food for thought!!!


You're right, I don't know what would have happened, but I do know what happened because of what she did. I also know that I wouldn't have had that extra ammunition to fuel my history rewriting. I do know that my AP looked more appealing than the spitting demon that was my wife freaking out back home. I know that it became a whole lot easier to move out to get some peace. I know that whatever my wife thought she was trying to accomplish backfired on her. Know what I mean?

It's easy to step back and infer perfection, or that someone is less or more perfect in this situation. Honestly, I counter with this. While I chose to have an affair, I got there because of a marriage where both of us assumed everything we were doing was perfect. Nothing happens in a vacuum.

I am responsible for what I did. I took responsibility and I am actively fixing things.

My wife blew up the situation for me so that I wouldn't be able to stick my head in the sand, as it were. Honestly, it drove me further there. How attractive my AP looked then. Would I have kept doing what I did for as long as I did had she just kept her mouth shut?

I don't honestly know. But, then again, when faced with a broken life, home, and the anger my spouse showed me, can you say that the situation bettered from the truth bomb that dropped?

Let me be bluntly honest with you for a second.

At the time of DDay, I was already tiring of my AP and her demands. I had to be in constant contact with her via text or phone, or hang out with her all the time. She wouldn't let up, she was clingy as hell. She demanded all my attention, and wouldn't/couldn't stand the fact that I was going home to my wife.

She demanded I take my ring off. She demanded that I take all photos of my wife off my FB account because her mother and friends were seeing it. Whenever my friends or wife's friends tagged me in FB, I would have to deal with her freaking out.

Honestly, looking back, I was at a crossroads. I needed to make a choice that I was putting off. I called my parents, my best man (whom I found out was a serial cheater too, no help there...) I procrastinated on what I needed to do.

What would have I done had my wife not found out and instantly reacted like she did? I can't answer that.

But I can tell you that she essentially pushed me into making a decision in anger. I chose to take the easy road. My life was upside down at that point, so I did what I thought would work out...

I chose my AP. I chose to "make it work."

Wrong choice.
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UrbanExplorer
My ex-AP's wife exposed quite a bit out of anger, and it killed their reconciliation (a reconciliation she wanted). In fact, some of her reaction is likely to harm her position in their divorce and might even affect custody arrangements. I am out of the situation and have no control over it, but yes, even rightfully angry partners need to consider the consequences of taking overtly vindictive actions.
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Tim2014
Ok kal now let's look at what you said you're were tired of her crap but couldn't get off the fence ! So I'm betting if you would have told your ap so long shed pushed the plunger yo the minefield you put yourself in and then your bs would have done the same thing and you'd a went running back to the ap! Just showing you that there's all kind enough scenarios heck that spitting demon as you called your bs could've easily castrated you.been done before !!
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Kalmarjan
Sure, there are a lot of scenarios. Castration? Okay, whatever.

The question is about what the BS should do, not about a million scenarios. Sure, the AP could have blown everything up. Sure, my BS could have got mad. How I would go running to the AP then is mind boggling, considering at that point I would have shut down and neither of the women in that triangle would have been there.

But, that's not what happened. What happened is my BS blew the lid off everything. She dropped a truth bomb to whoever would listen. What happened was it gave me confirmation that my fantastical history was indeed correct. It literally pushed me in the direction that I took.

Yes, I was on the fence, but a better question is, would I have leaned that way had she not done it? We will never know. We could guess until the cows come home.

My point is, it's not as easy as you make it out to be. I have experience as a WS who had the whole affair blown up from truth. I can tell you first hand that my wife's actions prodded me (in anger) to seek out the AP.

That's what happened in my case.
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Tim2014
I'm not saying it's easy no matter what but you're saying suppress your hurt and anger well guess what it's not that easy! Look you're only telling your viewpoint and I'm telling you my viewpoint! Somewhere in the middle lies the truth of this question! You balk at the idea that feelings just get hurt really! How bout the guy that kick his wS ap butt. Then the bs gave testimony on his behalf! Infidelity not black and white there's the emotions of the hurt spouses that have to decide what's best for them! I'm not saying I'm right but I'm not saying you are either!! I'm just saying no matter what they decide the bs is going to be on a roller coaster ride that they want off of no matter what they do!
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