Lula_Bell Show full post »
blyrobin51
I know this is a hurtful and crazy time- however, your letter will probably only give him fuel.   your letter lets him know your intentions, which gives him his "window" to justify his fog behavior.   As long as he knows you are still "hanging on" even if its by a thread...he will feel he has power.   A 180 is for you and you only.   It is for you to practice not letting your emotions drive you to manipulative behaviors to get his attention or focus.....to get his ideas, thoughts or how he is thinking.   it is a practice of you ALWAYS turning your focus back to YOU.    You know that letter is a cry to get a tidbit of information, attention, or any morsel of love from him.....it is an attempt to get him to theoretically say, "hey , even though I've been an ass to you, I still love you"..........that is what you want to hear, but you MUST practice turning to your inner self in those moments.    YOU DONT NEED HIM.     If you are letting go........then practice true letting go.    check your emotions, desperate feelings, yearnings for him.......I know its hard.    The hardest thing for me was not to REACT to my feelings of desperation, neediness, anxiety, needed answers, attention, intimacy....I missed him terribly,.........but,  I had to do what was best for me......and it was hard.
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Lula_Bell
Thank you, everyone!  You helped confirmed what I knew was right in my gut.  I was just trying to do it “the right way”.  After a very trying weekend I woke up this morning with hope FOR MYSELF for the first time in months.  I know my emotions and resolve will swing back and forth as I practice letting go, but right now I have hope and it feels good.  Gotta appreciate the small steps forward!  
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Fionarob
Personally I didn't write a letter.  And I certainly didn't give him any indication that I was leaving a 'door open' for possible reconciliation in the future.  As far as I was concerned it was over and, unless he made some monumental changes and effort based on his own desire to do so, then I wanted nothing more to do with him, then or in the future.  Me choosing to do the 180 was for my own sanity and time to get clarity on how to move forward without him.  It wasn't to manipulate him into choosing me instead of the AP.
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ThrivenotSurvive
Fionarob wrote:
Me choosing to do the 180 was for my own sanity and time to get clarity on how to move forward without him.  It wasn't to manipulate him into choosing me instead of the AP.


I think that is key.  I repeatedly told my husband that if he wanted to leave and be with her OR leave and be alone, it was okay.  I loved him enough to want him to be happy with or without me  And, more importantly,  I loved myself enough to only want a partner that was by my side because they WANTED to be. Frankly, I wasn't sure if I wanted him to stay or not.  I only knew that living in any sort of limbo was more than I could stand.    

At the time, it wasn't a thought out strategy of any kind - it was more self-protection.  But I am glad I did it.  Rebuilding is so very, very, very, hard.  If both partners aren't really invested I don't think it has any chance of success.  
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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Lula_Bell
One step forward, two steps back.  I need to get used to the new normal.  Yesterday I had hope, I had the ability to let go and look to the future.  Yes, I still had pain, but it was manageable.  Today, nope.  I didn't go to work because I couldn't.  I just couldn't.  My emotions are out of control today and no amount of thinking and praying and reading and praying and knowing I need to let go is doing any good.  But, it's only one day.  Tomorrow will be better.  Maybe even tonight it will be better.  Man, does this rollercoaster suck.  I can't imagine the next several months of my life being like this.  I know everyone says it gets better.  How?  What did you all do to escape?  I can't watch movies or read, both trigger me right now.  I've been listening to music some, but it also gets to me.  What did you do that made life tolerable?  My IC has me going for walks, and I like it, but I can't walk for 24 hours a day. 
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ThrivenotSurvive
I struggled with music and tv/music too.  

I got a pair of wireless headphones and an audible membership and started listening to books while walking/cleaning/gardening (anything physical.) 

i listened to books about resilience and healing, sone specific to affair healing, but a lot that were just about surviving trauma or other people’s journeys to self-awareness, etc.  

when i needed something light I listened to murder mysteries or science fiction (I stayed far away from potential triggers.)

i listened to books about Feng Shui and set about cleaning out my house - useful distractions that made me feel productive but kept my mind somewhere ELSE.  

When I was traveling and mi d start ruminating too much, I’d make myself got up and down the stairs (15 flights). On every step I’d tell myself something positive (I am compassionate , I give compassion to others, I attract compassion to me, I inspire compassion in those around me... next bank of stairs... I am loving, I give love, I receive love from others, I inspire love in those around me, etc)

some people believe in the power of affirmations... but whether or not you do, if your body is doing one thing and your mind is focused on another (saying the affirmations) - you can't ruminate.  After I did this for 15-30 minutes I was tired and I’d usually taken the edge enough that I could switch over to something for positive.  

This is also a good time to try to try and reconnect with old hobbies or new ones you have always wanted to learn.  You need to have a whole arsenal of positive places to put your attention because on any given day/time, one may work better than another.  And you just keep trying them until you find the one that works THAT day.  

It will get better -but not for a while 🙁
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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hurting
There was no escape. Not for me anyway. I cried and howled and screamed and raged till I was exhausted, then I did it again. Time helps. Let yourself grieve. You shouldn’t be ok after something like this. It’s fine to not be ok. 

I worked apart from on certain days when I was a danger to everyone including myself (like immediately post d-days). Work in itself was a distraction, but I needed to be mindful that I didn’t make poor decisions that would hurt others while I was at it. Some days I struggled to work. Some days I called in sick because I was mentally not with it enough to look after others. Mostly work gave me some solace in that I could focus on looking after others and in solving their problems. 
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seventy7
Lula_Bell wrote:
Man, does this rollercoaster suck.  I can't imagine the next several months of my life being like this.  I know everyone says it gets better.  How?  What did you all do to escape?  I can't watch movies or read, both trigger me right now.  I've been listening to music some, but it also gets to me.  What did you do that made life tolerable?  My IC has me going for walks, and I like it, but I can't walk for 24 hours a day. 


We all know this feeling well. Right now the affair has a grip on your mind that seems like it won't let go. Try to remain positive and I definitely echo what Thrive says about the power of affirmation. Work on healing yourself these next couple of months. Yes there will continue to be pain (a lot of it), but once you begin to restore your own sense of self-worth, the waves of pain/anger become a little easier to manage.

Just keep saying to yourself "The affair was not about me, The affair was not a result of anything that I did, The affair will not define me". I still say those three things to myself when i get really triggered, or need to break a thought pattern. 
Male BS
D-Day 11/1/2017
It gets easier as time goes, but the pain never goes away
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Lula_Bell
Thanks you, Everyone, again, for your kind words and thoughtful suggestions.  I have realized that there is no getting through betrayal trauma anyway but the hard way.  I can't force healing or forgiveness.  Life is just going to happen and I have no control.  I'm trying to grow through this, be a better person, stronger....

Anyway, I'm officially living alone now.  Our nephew, who we have unofficially fostered for the last year returned to his mother (my WS sister).  Another casualty of my WS decisions.  I have never lived alone and it's a bit scary.  I have friends coming over next week to help me situate some things so it feels less like "our" house.  I can't do too much because my WS still has most of his things here.  When he left a month ago he only took a laundry basket of clothes with him.  He's come back for a few odds and ends, but most of his clothes are still in our closet, his jacket is still hanging on the rack...the proof of our 15 years together is everywhere.  I wish I could leave it all and start over now, but that's months away.

On the plus side, all my interactions with him the last few days are all 180 approved and I feel good about that.  He isn't responding yet, and I don't care if he does, I feel better and that's a start.  With any luck, our divorce will be final by the time school starts and I'll be in my new place ready to start over and do things better. 
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ThrivenotSurvive
This may sound weird but I am sooooo proud of you.  This is likely the most difficult, painful thing you will ever go through.  And you are taking control of your life.  

I promise that a year from now you will be very happy with your strength and resilience and you will be feeling much, much better than you are right now.  

And when you inevitably wobble (we all do), remember that you are human and just get back up on that horse.
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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surviving
Lula_Bell - if I were you, I would pack up his stuff and put it near the door.  I would give him a date to have it moved.  If it isn't gone by that date, off it goes to Goodwill.  That might make him realize that you are more serious than he thought you were.  It will also give you some closure.  If he is going to come back, I think doing that with his things will turn the light on for him.  If not, you have more room in your house for you and  your things.  Redecorate!
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ThrivenotSurvive
Yesssssss!!!! 👆🙌🙌🙌🙌
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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blyrobin51
On the plus side, all my interactions with him the last few days are all 180 approved and I feel good about that.  He isn't responding yet, and I don't care if he does, I feel better and that's a start.  With any luck, our divorce will be final by the time school starts and I'll be in my new place ready to start over and do things better. 

Pack his things.  Make your environment conducive to YOUR mental health.  He doesn't get to leave and have a "storage facility" for his things while he sets up house with his sidechick.  You control the narrative.     Keep up with your 180.  its not easy some days, some days it feels counter to what is right, but trust us that are further down the road- the more you set your life up for YOU.....the stronger you become mentally.    Mental Health is the cornerstone to overcoming and healing.  The challenges you are about to face are mental in nature, emotional in manifestation.   In other words, your mind is going to drive you emotionally - you WILL be on a rollercoaster full of dips, lows, highs, mediocrity.    You will be all over the place......but soon you will start to settle and level off......it will take some time, but please please please, be good to yourself........put yourself first always........self care is key.....self care.  Any time you feel anxiety - check yourself.......any time you feel desperation, check yourself, any time you feel like acquiescing, check yourself.       Don't concern yourself about him not responding to your 180 right now, he is so foggy and self-absorbed that he doesn't realize what is happening.......don't worry......the fullness of it will hit him soon......don't worry......it may take a month or so for it to settle in.....but the ridiculousness of what he has created , is gonna hit him full force in his face soon...........and he will look to you for understanding and sympathy.................what will you do? 
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ThrivenotSurvive
FYI - I totally agree with the women above.  Pack his stuff up, let him know that will he has until XX to pick it up and after that you will dump it at Goodwill.  Make sure that you don't let him drop by at his convenience, but that he sets a time to pick it up - and have someone else there to meet him.  Or better yet, have it waiting outside on the porch.  

Then set about moving stuff around, repaint a room to a color you love - make it look different and an expression of YOU.  The next 6-12 months shouldn't be about falling out of love with him - but about falling back in love with you.  Act like you are leaving for college - it's scary... but also exciting.  it's time to rekindle friendships and make some new ones, take a class, pick up a new hobby or an old one (I started to go back to dance class), join a walking group, take a yoga class, etc.  Reconnect with you.  I

Whenever we are in a long term relationship, if we aren't really, really careful and conscious about it, we start to focus more on the twosome than us.  A healthier approach would be to make them even, but invariably most of us don't.  And over time, to varying degrees, we become more synonymous with the "couple" than an individual.  This is particularly true of women because we are socialized and raised to put more emphasis and self-worth into the maintenance of relationships.  

But i have found that when I focused on reconnecting to ME - remembering all the things I liked about myself and exploring new interests that had only developed in maturity, I began to flower.  I regained a lot of my self-confidence and self-love that had been lost after DD.  As my appreciation, acceptance  and enjoyment of myself grew - I felt happy again.  I began to experience joy and anticipation again.  The fear (of being alone, of being hurt again, etc.) began to lessen and lessen until it rarely visited.  

But I think it's because my happiness was no longer outside of me... it wasn't incapsulated in whether my husband stayed (or saw my value), it wasn't in my accomplishments, it resided nowhere but inside me.  I enjoyed my own company.  Everyone (including my husband) became gifts - not necessities.  

And as selfish and self-involved as this sounds, I found that the more I fell back in love with me - the more selfless I became.  It lifted the weight of expectation off of every relationship in my life. 

Now that they aren't responsible for my happiness (or me for theirs) I find that I connect with everyone on a much deeper and happier level.  

That is what I want for you.  This may seem like an ending (and in many ways it is), but it is also a beginning.  Let this part of your life be about loving you first - and when you've got that down - you will find that you won't want anyone in your life that doesn't appreciate you in the way you deserve.
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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Lula_Bell
blyrobin51 wrote:
On the plus side, all my interactions with him the last few days are all 180 approved and I feel good about that.  He isn't responding yet, and I don't care if he does, I feel better and that's a start.  With any luck, our divorce will be final by the time school starts and I'll be in my new place ready to start over and do things better. 

Pack his things.  Make your environment conducive to YOUR mental health.  He doesn't get to leave and have a "storage facility" for his things while he sets up house with his sidechick.  You control the narrative.     Keep up with your 180.  its not easy some days, some days it feels counter to what is right, but trust us that are further down the road- the more you set your life up for YOU.....the stronger you become mentally.    Mental Health is the cornerstone to overcoming and healing.  The challenges you are about to face are mental in nature, emotional in manifestation.   In other words, your mind is going to drive you emotionally - you WILL be on a rollercoaster full of dips, lows, highs, mediocrity.    You will be all over the place......but soon you will start to settle and level off......it will take some time, but please please please, be good to yourself........put yourself first always........self care is key.....self care.  Any time you feel anxiety - check yourself.......any time you feel desperation, check yourself, any time you feel like acquiescing, check yourself.       Don't concern yourself about him not responding to your 180 right now, he is so foggy and self-absorbed that he doesn't realize what is happening.......don't worry......the fullness of it will hit him soon......don't worry......it may take a month or so for it to settle in.....but the ridiculousness of what he has created , is gonna hit him full force in his face soon...........and he will look to you for understanding and sympathy.................what will you do? 


He's been with her for 2-4 months, I can't get a clear answer, but my gut tells me since before this started in April.  As long as she's around, he has a pacifier for his emotions and thinking.  He wont come out of this anytime soon.  So, it's too late for us.  We are getting divorced, actually have our first court date next week.  This marriage is over.  I must move on.  
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