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Anna26
Searching4 wrote:
Hurt, is the OW married? I was in a very similar position. My WH was the boss, his AP was his employee and married ipwith a family. The morning after dday, I went to the office (my H had not yet told her that the gig was up) and I told her that if she didn't resign that day and get out, then I would blow up her world by making the affair very public, the way she had blown up my world and destroyed my family.



Searching4: Absolutely brilliant! How I would have loved to have seen that happen!  And I wish I'd had a way of doing the same.  What a strong person you sound.

I suspect you did what most BS's would love to be able to do and clear the AP out once and for all. Although I know we would much rather not be in that situation in the first place. 

Well done you for being able to take control of at least that part of the situation...

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Anna26
Hurt wrote:


If my husband owned the company on his own, i'd have no fear of walking in and doing that, but he has partners, that have no 

idea of his and her affair. I have told a few people at the company what they were up to. I was hoping it would get back to her

and she'd feel shameful. She seems to care what others think greatly.



Hurt:  I think you have a great deal of leverage here, given that very few people seem to know about things.   If she won't leave after the 'carrot' treatment, perhaps it's time to use the stick, and do what Searching4 has done!  Maybe the thought of all the details 'being blown out of the water' would do the trick and persuade her to move on...
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Hurt
You're right Anna, I'm going to test the waters, and make it a point to visit the office several times first

If I feel she is staring to become comfortable with my ongoing presence, i'm going to so as sarching did..

Such a brave thing to do!
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KimD
TimT wrote:
As we've mentioned in other topics in this "Why Do Affairs Happen" area, there is usually no single "reason" that explains why a particular affair started. Rather, it's usually a combination of factors. In some cases, a relationship that started out as a friendship or work partnership begins crossing lines until it is no longer innocent. 

Did that happen in your affair story?

By the way, Linda MacDonald created the self-test "Early Signs of an Inappropriate Relationship" that is available for download in the resources area.



Yep this is me. I knew my AP at work, sat in close proximity to him and a few others for about 6 years. I was friends with all of these people, who I spoke to and saw everyday. I guess some might say certain conversations were the start. Not about bad marriages or spouses, but about intimate things. The loss of a pregnancy by his wife, my very hard situation with one of the partners at the firm - who was acting inappropriately, which in turn caused a lot of stress in my marriage. We talked of our kids and kid stories often, how to get them to go to bed or eat vegetables. Was any of this wrong? I don't know. I have other close friends that are male that I know just as well and no problems at all. I did feel some attraction to him (he is undeniably a very good looking man) but that happens in life and it was no sort of driving desire. 
The turning point for me was when he confessed attraction to me at a work function - alcohol involved. We spoke about it the next day and agreed we needed to act like responsible married people. This lasted about a month and half, with some glances and light flirting, but nothing else. All this did was really build up some feelings until we did get physical, kissing, and it went from there. 
Affairs are awful things. And when you are married you have promised and committed to be loyal to one person. But humans want connection - and it is very hard to squash that when you find it, in fear it might go in the wrong direction. I remain confused about alot of this since i was just friends with this man for so long (as long as I have been married) before anything happened. And that base for a romantic relationship is pretty strong. Sometimes you do just fall for other people. Can you protect yourself from this? Im not sure. Still - choices are choices, and generating feelings for someone and acting on them are different. 
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UrbanExplorer
I think this is a good example of how affairs often start with baby steps, leading people who never thought they would have one to actually end up in one. I know that for me to have avoided the affair, I would have needed a boundary in place very early, like as soon as we were messaging back and forth and I started to find him appealing. Like you, the conversations themselves didn't cross a line for a long time, but there was chemistry, and I was not telling my husband about it. My AP was a dad with kids at the same school as mine, which was part of a Catholic parish. We knew tons of people in common. I met his wife. It was fraught with disaster, and I knew when I met him for coffee and didn't tell my husband that I was already too far gone. In contrast, I had lunch two months ago with a guy from work who is in my meditation group and can use some support. It was completely platonic, I was transparent about it before and after, and I would have been fine with my husband seeing or hearing any part of it.
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KimD
When my AP first told me of his feelings, I actually did tell my H. Wanted to do the right thing and keep control over it, be transparent. I thought that I could, but no. When I started to have certain thoughts and feelings about my AP (before anything happened) I did not tell my spouse, I was embarrassed about it. I was also worried what it said about my feelings for my husband. By the time we had the first kiss, I still felt things were somewhat innocent and ok for some reason, but it really did escalate quickly from there. 
Should I have quit my job after that first admission from the AP? Sounds so extreme, but I'm not sure what else would have kept the feelings from generating after that point. Could I have changed the course of my feelings before anything happened? Maybe but I was no way so conscious and self aware at that point to be able to execute that. 
I think so much about what I could have done to keep things at bay. But once the feelings are there, those further decisions to cross the lines are so clouded. You really have to cut it off at the feelings, yet that seems so hard to do...
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Tim2014
Doing the right thing isn't hard. It requires courage that's all. I'm a bs and there's been numerous times I could have crossed the line but said no. It isn't worth it. I don't need anyone to boost my self esteem or ego. If I'm feeling that bad about things I figure out how to change them. Now my wS can say anything trying to boost me and in all honesty she can save her breath. I live for me . That may sound harsh but it's the facts of life.
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UrbanExplorer
I think it isn't hard if you are a person with healthy boundaries (e.g. discontinuing conversations with someone of your desired sex if you are feeling a spark or getting uncomfortable), but some of us did not ever set those from childhood onward and have no experience listening to an inner voice that aims to protect us. That's one place therapy can help, I think.
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Tim2014
Exactly but then to continue to fool yourself that the affair was more than it truly was is just as wrong! Life becomes mundane for everyone. The kids bills mortgages all those things that are involved in the fantasy. Dealing with the aps idiosynchrosies. Guess what all us humans have them. You're not nagging him and he's not complaining about you! That's what really happens in real life. The wife nags you didn't do this or why did you that or can't you do this for me all the while the husband builds resentment stop treating me like that. So this is every day life.
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Anna26
KimD wrote:



Yep this is me. I knew my AP at work, sat in close proximity to him and a few others for about 6 years. I was friends with all of these people, who I spoke to and saw everyday. I guess some might say certain conversations were the start. Not about bad marriages or spouses, but about intimate things. The loss of a pregnancy by his wife, my very hard situation with one of the partners at the firm - who was acting inappropriately, which in turn caused a lot of stress in my marriage. We talked of our kids and kid stories often, how to get them to go to bed or eat vegetables. Was any of this wrong?
 


Probably not at this point, but who knows where the line between being friendly and too personal  becomes blurry.
I would say that if a person is  wondering, (at the time), if they ought to be talking about certain kinds of things, then they probably shouldn't and have already become too close.
I knew someone that was  really close to a member of the opposite sex once, both with partners, and it was never a problem, but it doesn't take much to cross that line, as you sadly discovered.


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UrbanExplorer
Tim2014 wrote:
Exactly but then to continue to fool yourself that the affair was more than it truly was is just as wrong! Life becomes mundane for everyone. The kids bills mortgages all those things that are involved in the fantasy. Dealing with the aps idiosynchrosies. Guess what all us humans have them. You're not nagging him and he's not complaining about you! That's what really happens in real life. The wife nags you didn't do this or why did you that or can't you do this for me all the while the husband builds resentment stop treating me like that. So this is every day life.


If only I would have nagged, my husband would have had a shot at knowing what I needed these past 21 years. It's much worse if a wife is silent or always pleasant, believe me.
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Tim2014
Well urban maybe you should have spoke up and things wouldn't be as they are
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UrbanExplorer
Tried several times over the years, apparently not forcefully enough, and gave up. Husband says he thought it would blow over.
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Negarcia
KimD wrote:



Yep this is me. I knew my AP at work, sat in close proximity to him and a few others for about 6 years. I was friends with all of these people, who I spoke to and saw everyday. I guess some might say certain conversations were the start. Not about bad marriages or spouses, but about intimate things. The loss of a pregnancy by his wife, my very hard situation with one of the partners at the firm - who was acting inappropriately, which in turn caused a lot of stress in my marriage. We talked of our kids and kid stories often, how to get them to go to bed or eat vegetables. Was any of this wrong? I don't know. I have other close friends that are male that I know just as well and no problems at all. I did feel some attraction to him (he is undeniably a very good looking man) but that happens in life and it was no sort of driving desire. 
The turning point for me was when he confessed attraction to me at a work function - alcohol involved. We spoke about it the next day and agreed we needed to act like responsible married people. This lasted about a month and half, with some glances and light flirting, but nothing else. All this did was really build up some feelings until we did get physical, kissing, and it went from there. 
Affairs are awful things. And when you are married you have promised and committed to be loyal to one person. But humans want connection - and it is very hard to squash that when you find it, in fear it might go in the wrong direction. I remain confused about alot of this since i was just friends with this man for so long (as long as I have been married) before anything happened. And that base for a romantic relationship is pretty strong. Sometimes you do just fall for other people. Can you protect yourself from this? Im not sure. Still - choices are choices, and generating feelings for someone and acting on them are different. 


Kim
I don't know if this was already covered but do you think you are or were really in love ? Only reason I am asking is because you were friends before and did share a lot and had that trust and respect for each other that you did share the family stories and have other friendly conversations. I'm just asking because a deep friendship can contain love towards your friends but not relationship love, after you decided to end the affair you expressed feelings of wanting this person more, Do you think it was or is because your more afraid of losing him as that friend whom you could share things with and have those friendly conversations? Before he expressed his feelings for you, you never had the thought of you guys being together cross your mind, so just like when we girls lose a girlfriend over stupid drama, do you feel you were mourning the loss of not having him.as a friend vs. Love intrest?
I am asking because I think this is where my husband is, he reconnected with a friend and 4 months after the reconnection they started getting physical, they didn't see each other often from what he says but after he told her last week he couldn't do this anymore he needed to figure out what he needed, he told me he didn't regret his desicion but the next day, it hit him, he wanted to see her and talk to her, and I thought u did talk to her but are you afraid you lost a friend vs. Love interest? Are you confusing that feeling?
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