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Valntine66
Negarcia wrote:
Do you think he showed you compassion? Or did he decided you? I'm sorry but he lied to your face and he's supposed to be honest.and helping you and your wife not taking advantage of you guys. I understand you had an affair but you did the right thing and exposed it because you knew it was wrong but he wants to keep it a secret? There is no compassion in lies. I'm sorry he doesn't deserve your compassion. I'm so angry for you.


Compassion, meaning im not lashing out, beating on him, or just going to his wife like the way my AP did.  Besides, my kids felt that it would not be right for me to oust him out since I had an affair, but my oldest son, who is in CA, who came from his church knows the situation.  He will talk to him this Saturday night to get him to admit willing and request that he confess to his deacons, wife, and the church.

My wife wanted me to keep it a secret since our pastor showed us compassion, love, care, concern and allowed us to stay at the church rather than kicking us out like he told my wife in their secret conversations.  She calls him his special friend, the only that understands her, the one that really cares for her and I did not.  The one that his marriage is broken and he said that he shared with my wife the most intimate secrets of their broken marriage that nobody else knew.  I found out that my son knew about some of the problems they have been having over the last decade.

Now I get the anger the BS feels and see why every BS here is SO ANGRY and hurt.  I know that I as the WS, what damaged I caused.  I am determined to not let that anger control me and take over and react like my wife did.  It gives me insight as to how she felt.  I want to be there for her when she needs me and while I work on reconciliation: compassion towards  her.
Val
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Guiltguilt
What happens if she doesn't want reconciliation - not what you want?
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Valntine66
Guiltguilt wrote:
I find this amazing. When you have a affair, you breach a contract. She no longer has responsibility to you. I don't seek to minimise your pain, but to put it in perspective. She is a free agent to do what she likes because of your actions, and you don't like it. I don't think I'd like it if my wife did that, but she is perfectly entitled to run her life as she pleases. That's something I would have to accept. I started this ball rolling and I have no control over where it goes from here.


Guiltguilt, I get what you are saying and some people have said the same thing but she expressed that she wants to restore the marriage, not so much to me but to the kids and that she has been trying (with a lot of difficulty), working with our pastor and telling me to continue to see him while she sees him, still expressing now that she wants to work the marriage.  Then by the end of our vacation in june, she was ready to call it quits.  Our pastor has said to her and me that his goal is to get us together and that has been that way since day one (Feb 11, 2016).  He also said after he knew I discovered the affair that they have been having an affair for 1.5 months, or since the beginning of May, while she wanted to restore the marriage.  I am sorry, I cannot agree with the fact that she is a "free agent" while working on the marriage and telling me to stay with our pastor while she as an EA?  Yes, you are right, she can do as she pleases, but telling me to stay with the pastor, even now to stay with the pastor, work with him while she stays with the pastor and works with him on what she wants with him and the Deaf teens.  Sorry, I know you may disagree with me on this, but to tell me to stay with the pastor, work with him, the Deaf ministry and teens because he was kind to us while she is kissing, making out, going out on dates, I cannot.  As one topic here says, Total Cut off from the AP.  I'm cutting ties with her AP.

What hurts is that she did the same I did, lied, cheated, and manipulated, IT HURTS like she hurt.  if she cheated with someone else, I would not be so upset, but what a hypocrite.  My kids told me, they not only lost the respect of her, but see her as more disgusting that I was and they cannot wait until Saturday night when she is found out by the church, deacons, and Mrs. Pastor.  I told my kids last night, please understand the mindset of the betrayer, they live in a fantasy world, especially one who is an EA.  Be kind to your mother and understanding.  Not much of a good response, but I will be the one that will be an example of love, compassion, forgiveness, kindness towards her while she goes through this pain and withdrawal.
Val
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UrbanExplorer
Guiltguilt wrote:
I find this amazing.
When you have a affair, you breach a contract. She no longer has responsibility to you. I don't seek to minimise your pain, but to put it in perspective. She is a free agent to do what she likes because of your actions, and you don't like it. I don't think I'd like it if my wife did that, but she is perfectly entitled to run her life as she pleases. That's something I would have to accept. I started this ball rolling and I have no control over where it goes from here.


I don't agree with this. Each partner has to own their decisions. No one forces anyone to cheat. We can be vulnerable because of marital issues, but we make that choice.
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Negarcia
Valntine66 wrote:


Compassion, meaning im not lashing out, beating on him, or just going to his wife like the way my AP did.  Besides, my kids felt that it would not be right for me to oust him out since I had an affair, but my oldest son, who is in CA, who came from his church knows the situation.  He will talk to him this Saturday night to get him to admit willing and request that he confess to his deacons, wife, and the church.

My wife wanted me to keep it a secret since our pastor showed us compassion, love, care, concern and allowed us to stay at the church rather than kicking us out like he told my wife in their secret conversations.  She calls him his special friend, the only that understands her, the one that really cares for her and I did not.  The one that his marriage is broken and he said that he shared with my wife the most intimate secrets of their broken marriage that nobody else knew.  I found out that my son knew about some of the problems they have been having over the last decade.

Now I get the anger the BS feels and see why every BS here is SO ANGRY and hurt.  I know that I as the WS, what damaged I caused.  I am determined to not let that anger control me and take over and react like my wife did.  It gives me insight as to how she felt.  I want to be there for her when she needs me and while I work on reconciliation: compassion towards  her.


Val
I think it's great that you can put compassion for them both in front of your sadness. I'm not saying you need to out him but I just feel that he thinks he has the upper hand. I understand he wants your marriage to work but the ideal thing to do is cease contact with you and most importantly your spouse. By texting you the way he did I feel he has no regard from your feelings and thinks he can conduct his life like nothing happened. I understand that he and your wife are in the thick of it right now and that they think life can continue as thier new normal. I don't think this is fair. Where is the compassion for you? I feel what they are doing is disrespectful, deceitful and lying to the church.

You are a great person for putting thier feelings first.
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Guiltguilt
UrbanExplorer wrote:


I don't agree with this. Each partner has to own their decisions. No one forces anyone to cheat. We can be vulnerable because of marital issues, but we make that choice.


That wasn't quite what I meant. If A WS had that blatant disregard for their vows, to the exclusion of all others, why should a WS expect a BS to honour them after Dday? I knew there was a fair chance my wife could take up with someone else and there was nothing I could do about it. I'd put myself in a position to be hurt.
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Heidi
I agree we all have to take responsibility for our actions. My biggest issue is that in this mess there is now another innocent party whose heart and life is about to be broken. Having gone through this pain myself I could never subject somebody else to the hell of affair discovery. And right now the Pastor's wife is completely oblivious. Even worse, she may wrongly feel she condoned this, by agreeing the pastor should text Val's wife whenever needed.

I do have empathy for all involved. It was a mess before, now it's even worse. And in the midst of trauma we all do things we wouldn't otherwise.

But it has to stop. There are cycles happening here that show completely unhealthy coping mechanisms. It's not unknown for a BS to fall for her counsellor, but the lack of ethics involved -- from a pastor who is still practising -- makes me feel sick.

Can people be redeemed? Yes, for sure. But not without walking through the fire first. Im hoping that all involved in this can get through it.
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Negarcia
Heidi wrote:


I do have empathy for all involved. It was a mess before, now it's even worse. And in the midst of trauma we all do things we wouldn't otherwise.

But it has to stop. There are cycles happening here that show completely unhealthy coping mechanisms. It's not unknown for a BS to fall for her counsellor, but the lack of ethics involved -- from a pastor who is still practising -- makes me feel sick.

Can people be redeemed? Yes, for sure. But not without walking through the fire first. Im hoping that all involved in this can get through it.


Heidi

That is the part that angers me. That the pastor thinks that he will automatically be redeemed because he's a pastor and allowing his lies to continue it just boggles my mind.

I also have thought about his wife, the parishioners, and the overall church and how they will all be affected by it.

Because he is not an honest man, I also feel he will blame Vals wife and not be accountable for his actions.
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Valntine66
Tonight will probably be our last time as a family celebrating special events, in this case our 2 year old grandson's birthday who is a liver transplant recipient where he is loved by everyone. There will be a lot of people affected because of this mess.
Val
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