Thrown4aLoop
I have been reading these posts for months now. I found out about my husbands affair last March, he was working in another city and coming home on the weekends for months. It had been going on for 6 weeks or so. His AP was living in another country and they continued to correspond.

Long story short, he thought I would throw him out on his a$$. Truth be told so did I, but I wanted to try a figure how to get past it and fix our marriage. This went on for months, he moved out last April (his choice) and we continued to see each other to try to reconnect. He said he didn't know who he was anymore, couldn't believe he had done this and didn't know how we could ever find his way back. He was self-medicating and said he thought about suicide. He vacillated for months, I continued to look through his work and personal emails (he knew I was doing this with his personal an later found out about his work one as well) and knew the affair was still going on. (Talk about not knowing who you are anymore, that was definitely not me.) Oh he knew I was doing things out of character and "blamed" himself.

She moved back to the country to be with him in August and they moved to another city at the end of October. I have not spoken to him since weeks before he left when he told me he was moving (never owning up to the fact that they were living together and she was going with him).

The last time I saw him, he told me he loved me and said he always had and always will but he knew we couldn't get back to what we had and that he would never forgive himself and that he couldn't even look at me because of the hurt he saw. Of course, I get the husband that has to leave because he can't deal with the hurt he caused me, instead of begging and pleading and bestowing me with huge diamonds. What a gyp shop! That was a really bad joke and I am throwing the BS flag on his reasoning anyway. I just think he couldn't bring himself to say the words—he doesn't choose me, he chooses her...

To be honest, I don't know who he is anymore. He is not who I married—it's surreal really. He never even said goodbye, it was like I never existed... My sister was at our house when he came to get the rest of his stuff, because I couldn't deal (also out of character for me) and she said he was distraught and they both cried.

Anyway, I have asked him to file for divorce dozens of times—since it's what he wants. He says ok (not even a capital OK) and then nothing. I don't think I should have to do the work and pay for something that he wants and it makes me crazy that I will end up doing it because he can't be bothered.

We have only communicated via email half a dozen times about me removing him from the mortgage and the like. I stopped looking in his email in the beginning of December, but prior to that he just seemed to be miserable in the way he spoke to others. Any pictures of them that I have seen (which is like a knife to the chest) he looks dead inside. Just barely a whisp of a smile and he looks just plain wasted...

He emailed me the other day to say he hoped I was ok and that he wasn't sure how long the other city (the rules said not to mention particulars) was going to last, that his boss was expecting more out of that office...

I hate the thought of us still married, while he's living his new life with his "blank". It makes me sick if I think too much about it.

I am hoping to get some thoughts on how much longer I will still have feelings of hope that he will come to his senses and want to come home. Granted they don't come as often, but the roller coaster of it is terrible. Just when I think I am getting better and moving forward I get the overwhelming feeling that he regrets what he did and is coming home.

Its so bizarre, on Monday I told a friend that my mantra this week would be "Let go of the life you thought you would have, so you can let in the life that is waiting." And then I get an email from this forum about Kal's (always enlightening to read) conference call next week and cgretzky's post (very moving) and I have thought of my husband all week...

I tried to make this story short, I failed. I apologize. Any advice, thoughts, experiences that may help me from WS or BS are welcome.
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Anna26
Thrown4aLoop wrote:
I have been reading these posts for months now. I found out about my husbands affair last March, he was working in another city and coming home on the weekends for months. It had been going on for 6 weeks or so. His AP was living in another country and they continued to correspond.

Long story short, he thought I would throw him out on his a$$. Truth be told so did I, but I wanted to try a figure how to get past it and fix our marriage. This went on for months, he moved out last April (his choice) and we continued to see each other to try to reconnect. He said he didn't know who he was anymore, couldn't believe he had done this and didn't know how we could ever find his way back. He was self-medicating and said he thought about suicide. He vacillated for months, I continued to look through his work and personal emails (he knew I was doing this with his personal an later found out about his work one as well) and knew the affair was still going on. (Talk about not knowing who you are anymore, that was definitely not me.) Oh he knew I was doing things out of character and "blamed" himself.

She moved back to the country to be with him in August and they moved to another city at the end of October. I have not spoken to him since weeks before he left when he told me he was moving (never owning up to the fact that they were living together and she was going with him).

The last time I saw him, he told me he loved me and said he always had and always will but he knew we couldn't get back to what we had and that he would never forgive himself and that he couldn't even look at me because of the hurt he saw. Of course, I get the husband that has to leave because he can't deal with the hurt he caused me, instead of begging and pleading and bestowing me with huge diamonds. What a gyp shop! That was a really bad joke and I am throwing the BS flag on his reasoning anyway. I just think he couldn't bring himself to say the words—he doesn't choose me, he chooses her...

To be honest, I don't know who he is anymore. He is not who I married—it's surreal really. He never even said goodbye, it was like I never existed... My sister was at our house when he came to get the rest of his stuff, because I couldn't deal (also out of character for me) and she said he was distraught and they both cried.

Anyway, I have asked him to file for divorce dozens of times—since it's what he wants. He says ok (not even a capital OK) and then nothing. I don't think I should have to do the work and pay for something that he wants and it makes me crazy that I will end up doing it because he can't be bothered.

We have only communicated via email half a dozen times about me removing him from the mortgage and the like. I stopped looking in his email in the beginning of December, but prior to that he just seemed to be miserable in the way he spoke to others. Any pictures of them that I have seen (which is like a knife to the chest) he looks dead inside. Just barely a whisp of a smile and he looks just plain wasted...

He emailed me the other day to say he hoped I was ok and that he wasn't sure how long the other city (the rules said not to mention particulars) was going to last, that his boss was expecting more out of that office...

I hate the thought of us still married, while he's living his new life with his "blank". It makes me sick if I think too much about it.

I am hoping to get some thoughts on how much longer I will still have feelings of hope that he will come to his senses and want to come home. Granted they don't come as often, but the roller coaster of it is terrible. Just when I think I am getting better and moving forward I get the overwhelming feeling that he regrets what he did and is coming home.

Its so bizarre, on Monday I told a friend that my mantra this week would be "Let go of the life you thought you would have, so you can let in the life that is waiting." And then I get an email from this forum about Kal's (always enlightening to read) conference call next week and cgretzky's post (very moving) and I have thought of my husband all week...

I tried to make this story short, I failed. I apologize. Any advice, thoughts, experiences that may help me from WS or BS are welcome.



Your story mirrors mine in so many ways that it's quite incredible. You may have read some of my posts but I will try to put my story in a nutshell.

Sept 14 and I discovered evidence of an affair, lots of texts to the same number, a woman where he worked. With hindsight I realised I'd been wondering about her for months, but you trust people don't you? Oct 14 and I'd gathered enough proof to confront him and I did. Eventually he admitted it, but I then had to wait a couple of weeks before he told her I knew as she was on holiday and he wasn't going to spoil that for her!
Then there was Christmas to get through, she knew by then, but neither of them could decide what to do. They wanted to be together but knew it would upset a lot of people and there would obviously be financial difficulties. As you can imagine, I'm hurt, bewildered and very confused at this point so just kind of rolled with it, but it got to the point where I realised he was still seeing her anyway, (he even had two phones, don't know whose idea that was!)so in March 15, I asked him to move out. He partly wanted to do this anyway, and it was also supposed to be to help him make a decision. A couple of weeks later they went away for three nights, so much for no contact. Then there seemed to be a period where he wasn't contacting her, but in Oct 15 I found out the affair was on again. Not sure what is going on currently, he is still living elsewhere, but not with her, as she decided to stay with her husband. Of course, that doesn't mean that they are not still seeing each other. I just don't know it.

It seems like all that time he was and probably still could be, hanging on, just in case she decided to leave. He seemed to be letting her decide what to do, as he didn't want to hurt anyone. I think he knew that whatever he did it would cause pain for someone and that's part of the reason he couldn't decide.

Lots of those things your husband has said and done, mine has too. He cared about me but he truly 'loved' her and she did him.When he moved out he said leaving was the hardest thing he's ever done. And because I know him so well I know he beats himself up over what he has done, and is afraid that it might happen again. He says he is weak, and that I don't deserve to be treated this way. I get that he feels like that, but I can see that he is also kind of punishing himself by staying away and that to allow himself to come home, would be like admitting he'd got her totally wrong. A real coming home with your tail between your legs thing...

So that's where I am right now, on my own, my two adult children still live at home currently. I've gone through stages of wanting the marriage to end, wanting a fresh start. I've ranted, raged and cried and have got to a point where I'm trying to put my problems aside and live my life as best I can. In one way, I have a lot to be thankful for. I seem to be living in limbo right now and have no idea how or when things might change.

I don't really know what my husband wants anymore, and am almost afraid to ask! That might be in part, that he might want to return, and I got so used to being on my own that I don't know if I can do it. In any case there would have to be a definite end to the affair, a definite commitment, and complete NC with her for that to happen. For a long time he didn't get it about NC saying she was a friend and always would be. Only time will tell if that feeling has changed. If he now feels let down and used by her (my own opinion) he may think differently.


At some point I know a change will have to come, I can't do this forever, but he seems neither to want a divorce or to come home.

Like I said earlier, I can identify with so much of what you've said. But try and answer your question, I still have hopes that my husband will suddenly wake up and realise what he is losing, and I'm not sure that hope ever will completely go away. Sometimes it feels like it has, but then I see him, and he does something kind, or helpful and I know it's still there, the last thing out of Pandora's box...

Maybe it never truly dies until you make the decision to move on completely on your own, get that divorce, cut all ties, and be completely separate.
Maybe, in the way that contact prolongs an affair, contact with someone you still care for encourages hope.
It all depends how long we want to continue hoping....
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Thrown4aLoop
I am not sure if my husband went to her because it was the easier thing to do, a fresh start or if that is something I need to tell myself to get by. It is unbelievable how crushing a blow this is. It shakes you to the very core. It is so hard not to just sit down in the sadness and stay there. I guess it is just a bad day.
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Thrown4aLoop
Anna26 wrote:
  At some point I know a change will have to come, I can't do this forever, but he seems neither to want a divorce or to come home. Like I said earlier, I can identify with so much of what you've said. But try and answer your question, I still have hopes that my husband will suddenly wake up and realise what he is losing, and I'm not sure that hope ever will completely go away. Sometimes it feels like it has, but then I see him, and he does something kind, or helpful and I know it's still there, the last thing out of Pandora's box... Maybe it never truly dies until you make the decision to move on completely on your own, get that divorce, cut all ties, and be completely separate. Maybe, in the way that contact prolongs an affair, contact with someone you still care for encourages hope. It all depends how long we want to continue hoping....


Anna26, thank you for sharing. I am so sorry that you are going through this and are stuck in this terrible state of limbo.

You brought up an interesting point about thinking that your husband is punishing himself. I have the feeling that even if my husband's relationship with the AP doesn't work out he wouldn't have the wherewithal to find his way back. I don't think he would know how to reach out to me—we don't see each other, don't talk and only email very rarely. Even though his behavior is just bizarre and so unlike the person I knew, I do believe he doesn't think he deserves me anymore.

I don't want to reach out for fear that I will tear open any scar tissue I have managed to create.

Are there any WS that left, regretted it and decided they wanted to reconcile that would be willing to share how they started the process?
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Kalmarjan
Wow this story is so like mine it's like its plagiarized.

I left my wife because I felt like there was no return. I felt like I needed to make the new "relationship" work. By any means necessary.

I also wanted out of the mortgage, car loans, etc. It was a case of me being in a fantasy world. I wanted to be free so I could fulfil my AP need to be all hers.

In the end, of course it all changed once I stopped being so selfish. It was when I saw what future I had (or the lack thereof) with my AP that I started questioning my own motives. The question of who I was really doing this for, myself or the AP?

I'm glad I never went through with things. I'm glad I came to my senses.

Oh, I want to highlight somethinv. My wife also challenged me about how I had changed. I challenge that. I didn't change.

What happened was my situation changed. I hadn't changed, I am the same person I was 15 or 20 years ago. A little more grown, a bit more wise to the world, but I'm the same guy.

At the time I was reacting to the situation as I saw it. The problem is my wife never saw that side of me until the situation arose to it. Hey, I saw a side of my wife that I never saw either. You could say that the situation we were in brought the worse out of both of us.

That said, we are both back to our "normal" selves. We aren't trying to out do each other and not trying to win. We are also a lot nicer to each other. I think it was a lot like a cycle. Now that we quit it, we are both back to our old selves again. Scarred, but still us.
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Thrown4aLoop
Kalmarjan wrote:
Oh, I want to highlight somethinv. My wife also challenged me about how I had changed. I challenge that. I didn't change. What happened was my situation changed. I hadn't changed, I am the same person I was 15 or 20 years ago. A little more grown, a bit more wise to the world, but I'm the same guy. At the time I was reacting to the situation as I saw it. The problem is my wife never saw that side of me until the situation arose to it. Hey, I saw a side of my wife that I never saw either. You could say that the situation we were in brought the worse out of both of us. That said, we are both back to our "normal" selves. We aren't trying to out do each other and not trying to win. We are also a lot nicer to each other. I think it was a lot like a cycle. Now that we quit it, we are both back to our old selves again. Scarred, but still us.


Thank you for taking the time to respond, I appreciate it. It was your story that made me start following this forum...partly because it felt familiar and partly because it gave me hope.

I have done a lot of self analysis and there are many things that I can work on. I take care of "everything", I fix problems, I am the go to... The problem is I wasn't really taking care of the most important thing, my husband—oh, I took care of all the things, worked hard, made money, all the details of running a marriage and a home—but he was getting lost in the shuffle. It doesn't justify what he did, but to be honest I can see how it came about.

I thought our story was so special, that it was so easy and that our love was so strong. In hindsight, I think that was the problem, I thought it was magical somehow—bullet proof. But a marriage takes work, it needs attention and it needs to be taken care of—a hard way to learn that lesson, but I know I will not make that mistake again. He said that me trying to be understanding and working on what I did wrong made him feel worse. Geez, I wonder why...

When you came to your senses, what did that look like? Were you and your wife talking at the time? Did you sense her thawing? Did you just take a chance when you came out out the fog?

What were the first steps in the reconciliation process? I guess I am hoping to be able to recognize it, if it ever happens. I want to be helpful if I can without endangering my own healing.

Thanks in advance!!


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Kalmarjan
For me, it started when I got tired of all the manipulating behavior of my AP. She also tried to muscle in on my apartment, living rent free.. And tried throwing her weight into raising my kid.

I started getting tired of always worrying about her feelings. That's when I started on the path to getting rid of her. As for reconciliation with my wife?

Honestly, it happened immediately. It was me who initiated it.

But then I got hoovered again by my AP. But this time I asserted myself. I had my AP move out. It became more of a relationship would be if I hadn't been married. In a lot of ways that killed the feelings and romance. It also frustrated my AP, because I took away that leverage.

In fact, here's the funny thing. Thinking on how we originally broke up...

I remember she told me that she was going to pack her bags. So, I helped her. Literally pulled her TV off the wall. I asked her, you sure?

She later tried to guilt me about not "fighting for 'us.'" Thing is, there was never really an us, because it was all based on a lie.

So it became less and less about the AP. As soon as I decided that I didn't want to throw my life away, I started talking to my wife more. I didn't tell my AP right away (because I was afraid of hurting her feelings.)

Honestly, I fell into a depression. I'm not sure I'm completely out of it yet. But that prompted me to figure out what the hell was wrong with me. Why was I like this. Why did everything go wrong. Why wasn't I attracted to my wife. How did I let this happen to me? Why did I throw it all away on her?

I started looking up infidelity, and how to fix it. I read a lot. I was alone a lot. I wasn't working much, and working on myself.

I read a book called "No More Mr Nice Guy," which lead to "Taming the Inner Child" and "Codependent no More." also, the "5 love Languages."

I reconnected with my friends back home. I reached out to them. I cut the toxic people out of my life.

But I still hung on to my AP. I was talking to her, but only through texts and calls. I didn't see her, except for a few times here and there for exchanging stuff.

But I come to realize that I was doing all these things, all the "fixing" that I was doing with my wife all these years and with my AP... It was who I became, and that's why I was miserable and mad. It wasn't them, it was me.

All told... After breaking up with my AP for the final time, it took 4 months of flip flopping before I finally told my AP enough. Contact me one more time and I'll press charges. I went completely no contact from there.

I say I don't miss my AP. I really don't. I don't miss the manipulating, the demands, always having to be in contact with her. Man, just being able to listen to the radio while driving... What a dream!

What I missed was how I felt when the affair started. Feeling special. Feeling like a powerful man. Like I was sexy, and desirable. That what I said matters. That she would listen to me. (and use it against me later, but I digress..) see, it wasn't HER I missed, it was how I felt.

It took me over a year, almost a year and a half from DDay to finally come to my senses. It got a lot easier after I cut my AP out of my life. A hell of a lot easier.
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Dinomus
Thrown4aLoop wrote:


Thank you for taking the time to respond, I appreciate it. It was your story that made me start following this forum...partly because it felt familiar and partly because it gave me hope.

I have done a lot of self analysis and there are many things that I can work on. I take care of "everything", I fix problems, I am the go to... The problem is I wasn't really taking care of the most important thing, my husband—oh, I took care of all the things, worked hard, made money, all the details of running a marriage and a home—but he was getting lost in the shuffle. It doesn't justify what he did, but to be honest I can see how it came about.

I thought our story was so special, that it was so easy and that our love was so strong. In hindsight, I think that was the problem, I thought it was magical somehow—bullet proof. But a marriage takes work, it needs attention and it needs to be taken care of—a hard way to learn that lesson, but I know I will not make that mistake again. He said that me trying to be understanding and working on what I did wrong made him feel worse. Geez, I wonder why...

When you came to your senses, what did that look like? Were you and your wife talking at the time? Did you sense her thawing? Did you just take a chance when you came out out the fog?

What were the first steps in the reconciliation process? I guess I am hoping to be able to recognize it, if it ever happens. I want to be helpful if I can without endangering my own healing.

Thanks in advance!!




I can definitely relate to how you are feeling. I have done a lot of self analysis and am really trying to address those things now. I also felt that I cared for everything and tried to do it all - but my husband got lost in the shuffle. The counsellor I see said that for me I worried about work and money a lot - those were my anxieties in life. But my husband wasn't an anxiety. He was there being supportive and I was happy with him. You fall into the patterns. I have also learned I won't make that mistake again. You were doing your best in that moment with the information you had. It still feels crappy though.
I really hope that things get better for you. It can be so hard dealing with all the emotions that come with something like this. You sound like a very caring person and I hope things improve for you.
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UrbanExplorer
My marriage was also the type that seemed smooth and effortless with no arguments for more than 20 years. Except that my true self was nowhere in it, and I eventually acted out against that. I also struggled post-affair with even wanting to face my husband and his grief. It all felt so hopeless.
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Thrown4aLoop
Thank you for your replies, sweet words of encouragement and insight! I really appreciate it and I wish you all the best—BS and WS alike.

UrbanExplorer— What did you end up doing about facing your husband and his pain? You might not want to share the answer to this, but why did you end up losing the real you in your marriage? Was it the day to day of the marriage or part of your husbands personality?

I know I am a very strong (all relative now) persona, type A, get things done, bring home the bacon type of gal and I am sure that got to be a little emasculating. I remember my husband saying things like "I am not your employee, don't talk to me that way." It was terrible to hear that, because that was never my intent or what was in my heart. I thought he was being sensitive...also not something to necessarily say... :-)

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Anna26
Thrown4aLoop wrote:


Anna26, thank you for sharing. I am so sorry that you are going through this and are stuck in this terrible state of limbo.

You brought up an interesting point about thinking that your husband is punishing himself. I have the feeling that even if my husband's relationship with the AP doesn't work out he wouldn't have the wherewithal to find his way back. I don't think he would know how to reach out to me—we don't see each other, don't talk and only email very rarely. Even though his behavior is just bizarre and so unlike the person I knew, I do believe he doesn't think he deserves me anymore.

I don't want to reach out for fear that I will tear open any scar tissue I have managed to create.




Thrown4aloop:

I just wanted to respond to what you have said here as it is what I think about my husband too.  For a long time I felt that if he chose his marriage, for him, it would only be because it hadn't worked out with her.  I would be second best, or I felt I would feel like that.
That's why it is so important to me, for him to actually say that he made a huge mistake, that the feelings he has for her were never real, and that we as a family were important enough  to him to want to reconcile.
I can't actually see him saying that, he doesn't even say very much about the affair at all, and like you, there's been enough healing going on with me that I feel it would be so painful to bring it up, though I know it would have to be spoken about, should he want to return here.

I think he is afraid to speak of his feelings for fear of being ridiculed, I'm sure that to admit he was wrong would make him feel so stupid. I think he feels he is better off on his own.  And if that's true, there is nothing much I can do about it apart from look after myself and move on.  It's like he is thinking, I've been an idiot, now I have to deal with the consequences, and if that means never being properly with my family again, so be it?   My question here would be, why can't they see that we are also being punished by this behaviour?

What I don't understand is why he can't 'decide'.  Why he seems to want to be in a marriage, but not in it, if you see what I mean.  A while back, I said I wanted to divide up our assets and finances, and have everything done officially, but just stay separated for now. His response?  I could see he was a bit shaken by it, but he just said 'lets leave it for now, why make things worse for ourselves'?

It's so frustrating sometimes, when you can't see where you are going with things.  I feel a bit like a spare part. All I can do is focus straight ahead and try not to worry about the peripheral view right now...otherwise my mind would be in continual turmoil.

It just feels that he is kind of keeping both pots simmering, but can't quite bring himself to turn one off completely in case he can't turn the heat back on again...
Like you say, they just don't seem like the same people, the good man I knew is lost somewhere..

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UrbanExplorer
Thrown4aLoop wrote:
Thank you for your replies, sweet words of encouragement and insight! I really appreciate it and I wish you all the best—BS and WS alike.

UrbanExplorer— What did you end up doing about facing your husband and his pain? You might not want to share the answer to this, but why did you end up losing the real you in your marriage? Was it the day to day of the marriage or part of your husbands personality?

I know I am a very strong (all relative now) persona, type A, get things done, bring home the bacon type of gal and I am sure that got to be a little emasculating. I remember my husband saying things like "I am not your employee, don't talk to me that way." It was terrible to hear that, because that was never my intent or what was in my heart. I thought he was being sensitive...also not something to necessarily say... :-)



As of now, I am still in the house trying to face his pain but have had to ask for some space because his reconciliation efforts were overwhelming me, especially physical and romantic overtures. He will also at times go deeply into grief and fall on the floor wailing, and I feel suicidal myself at those moments. I find that I need to walk away to clear my head.

I am a people pleaser and tried to be peaceful in the marriage and let him set the agenda for our personal life together. He is more conservative than me, and I felt certain things I liked to do were silly to him, so I kept them as my own private domain. When I did speak up, I got nowhere with him, or I got what I felt was mild sarcasm/eye-rolling that triggered shame in me (easy to do because I have a lot of core shame). I withdrew from him over the years, and by the time I was in therapy after my affair, I could not articulate what I wanted or needed out of a relationship.

Ironically, I am also the breadwinner with a successful career in science. I sunk more time and effort into work as our marriage fizzled. I also went overboard not make him feel like less of a contributor, materially speaking, which probably harmed our marriage because it wasn't an honest balance of decision-making. I recently read that two people in a relationship both living robust lives should bump up against each other at times, triggering some conflict.

Basically, he feels blindsided because everything was so smooth on the surface and then I had an affair with someone who is the opposite of him. I wasn't brave enough to leave the marriage before doing something so explosive in an attempt to find myself.
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Thrown4aLoop
UrbanExplorer wrote:
As of now, I am still in the house trying to face his pain but have had to ask for some space because his reconciliation efforts were overwhelming me, especially physical and romantic overtures. He will also at times go deeply into grief and fall on the floor wailing, and I feel suicidal myself at those moments. I find that I need to walk away to clear my head. I am a people pleaser and tried to be peaceful in the marriage and let him set the agenda for our personal life together. He is more conservative than me, and I felt certain things I liked to do were silly to him, so I kept them as my own private domain. When I did speak up, I got nowhere with him, or I got what I felt was mild sarcasm/eye-rolling that triggered shame in me (easy to do because I have a lot of core shame). I withdrew from him over the years, and by the time I was in therapy after my affair, I could not articulate what I wanted or needed out of a relationship. Ironically, I am also the breadwinner with a successful career in science. I sunk more time and effort into work as our marriage fizzled. I also went overboard not make him feel like less of a contributor, materially speaking, which probably harmed our marriage because it wasn't an honest balance of decision-making. I recently read that two people in a relationship both living robust lives should bump up against each other at times, triggering some conflict. Basically, he feels blindsided because everything was so smooth on the surface and then I had an affair with someone who is the opposite of him. I wasn't brave enough to leave the marriage before doing something so explosive in an attempt to find myself.


I can see all of that so vividly, not because it happened to me but I can see how all of that occurs. When I was actively trying to save my marriage I registered for a 7 week workshop type program (I don't know the rules here about "hawking" some system, so I won't name names) and learned that I needed to focus on myself and work on my fixing, that I can't change him or wish him different—I can only control me. A lot of people on here talk about that concept. Since I went through the program alone, I couldn't do some of the exercises. There was a section about interviewing each other and had a whole list of questions and you're only supposed to do one interview at a time. So perhaps one week you interview him and then the next week he, you. There are silly and serious and provocative questions. Things are not off limits and you shouldn't judge a response etc. you just listen. Doing an exercise like that might help you both find common ground, learn about yourself or better understand each other—maybe it's a safe place or way to share and learn your nuances as people and not just husband and wife.

I am certainly not qualified to give advice—the hope and the helplessness and the hurt will still be there but maybe if you both agree to set it aside for just a little bit and focus on trying to connect as people you might end up feeling a little better. Said Dr. Thrown4aLoop :-)
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