Hi Everyone, I'm sorry to hear we are all going through this!
A bit about my story…my husband of 6yrs (dated for 14yrs) asked for a separation in April. I talked to him about what would happen if we decided to separate, i.e.: custody of our 5yr old and finances etc. He kept becoming more distant and very cold. I had to travel for a conference in June and upon my return I suggested a trial separation as it felt like he was being cruel so I would leave. He was very cold and cruel when I was leaving. It was so horrible that I ended up taking my son to my apt with no furniture and we had to sleep on an air mattress.
He said he wanted to work it out and we went to therapy. Over our therapy sessions he began to pick me apart from everything from using a certain word that irritated him to how I was compulsively clean one minute to the next minute I never did anything around the house. It all seemed so bizarre to me like he was hiding something. Both I & therapist asked if he was seeing someone else. He got mad and said no and swore on his mother's life. So we went over and over the problems in our marriage. My complaint was he was never home, never spent time with me or our son, he took separate vacations and we were always last on his priorities. His was I never had time with him as I was always taking care of the house, our son, working full time or going to school. I said I needed his help with our son as I was exhausted (our son has behavioral issues and high energy). He said I didn't need help we only had one child and it was my job.
So long story short…I went to therapy, read books on how to please my husband, and was willing to do anything I could to save our marriage. He complained we only had sex 1/wk and he wanted 5-6x a week. I was willing to save our marriage at any cost.
We started spending weekends together again as a couple and as a family. I had been gone since June and Sept 28th I was going to give my notice at my apt and move home in Oct. That morning, he kissed me goodbye, said he loved me, said he was so happy we were starting this new wonderful life together. As he left, he FB messaged her stating he wanted to meet her before work to kiss. She replied and the msg popped up on his computer at home…I was getting our son ready for school and the message came up. I couldn't believe my eyes. He had been having an affair all summer and it was still going on. I was sick to my stomach. He said in his messages I was fighting over support and custody (I never once disagreed with anything), that I was popping in to see him and he asked me to leave…this was not the case at all. He was begging me to come home awhile he was making a relationship with her.
So another long story short…I did not move home. He said he ended it and wanted to work on his family. Said it was a big eye opener and he realizes that I needed help so I could have time & energy for him. He was willing to do whatever to save the marriage. He says he lied as he was scared to be alone and thought I wasn't coming home. He said she meant nothing and they only had sex once and he felt disgusted with himself. He said he cut off all contact and would be willing to give me all his passwords and emails etc.
I always believed he was my soul mate and it broke my heart!
Here is my dilemma I am in now…when I think about moving on without him, I miss him. When I miss him I spend time with him (usually as a family), when I spend time with him all I can think of his affair (as I feel he gave all this joy away for her). It consumes me and I get into a rut of sadness. I constantly replay everything and question everything. Then I get over the rut by thinking about moving on without him, then I miss him again. REPEAT UGHHHHHH! When I think about reconciling I think I'll be jealous and never feeling confident in us. I don't want to be like that. I want to feel I am the only woman for him and that I can trust him.
I've lost weight, I don't sleep well and it's starting to affect my work. How do you know what to choose? I feel that I can't just take a chance our poor son is in therapy as he is upset that we are apart. If I go back and it happens again, he'll be so messed up. But do I give it a chance because we both love him? Do you ever get over those thoughts, can you forgive and most of all forget?
He thinks I can and says in a few months I'll be so happy with him I'll never think of her again…my question is will he be happy that he doesn't?