Intuition77 Show full post »
Kalmarjan
TimT wrote:
Kalmarjan wrote:
...I was abhorred by what I was doing, and how it was affecting my family, but I beat that down with anger. Anger at my spouse, because it was her fault in my mind. Her reminding and imploring me to think of the family really felt to me like manipulation, and that angered me more. Plus, I was wrapped up in the arms of another damsel in distress, so my attention was turned to her...


Oh man, I know just what that feels like. Well said. Thank you for sharing and giving this perspective.

Tim,

One of the worst days of my life was sitting in mediation with my wife and having her tell me that she has changed for me, that she was sorry for all the things that lead up to the affair.

I deflected it with anger but it still wounded me, one I carry until today.

If I can give perspective that will help someone through the pain of what a WS spouse like me is inflicting by giving my perspective, then I am here to serve.
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Anna26
It's really good to get to view things from the other perspective.  My husband still hasn't explained to me properly what has gone on between him and his AP.  This is in part, because he was still deliberating between me and her, and I think the affair was also still continuing despite me knowing.  Everytime I asked him something he was extremely cagey and seemingly defensive of her.    I wonder whether I will ever find out, as he isn't good at opening up to me and explaining himself.  He has always been this way and quite honestly I don't know if he knows how to do it, or if he just can't bear to bring it all up because of the upset it will cause us both.
I feel as if I need to know so I can draw a line, a starting point, but at the moment I am just in limbo.   My husband is still living apart from me, and to be honest I don't know what to do now that his AP has decided she isn't leaving her husband.  Do I just let him mull things over longer and let him come to me if and when he is ready?  I get the impression he could be waiting for me to say or do something first, as I guess he will be feeling, hurt, brokenhearted and depressed but also rather foolish and ashamed.

Thank you so much for your insight and your openness, I appreciate you shaing with us.
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Intuition77
I appreciate the insight too. It's hard to handle and hard to accept it's out of my control when it hurts my kids. This was his week to have kids 2 days. He let his off days go by without seeing them then everyday since said he would stop and see them for an hour which I ignored because he never shows and sure enough he never showed. Then again today and with the excuse he was just too tired. It's been 3 weeks since he saw them and that was only for an hour. He's actually seeing them less and less. When I backed off from telling him He needed to see them & decided to let him make his own choices and deal with his problems on his own which I know was the right course but he sees them far less.

To make matters worse today there was an incident with our teen being at a party where alcohol was found (with another child not ours) but it's hard to deal with these major issues when we used to together. That they have a capable living father who simply chooses not to parent. I did Inform him of what occurred via email and his only reply was I don't think our child would do that glad she's ok.
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TimeToFly
Kalmarjan wrote:
. I woke up, hopefully not too late, and I am working through this. Let me tell you something though, the hardest thing is going back. Admitting the story I told myself was a lie sold to myself to justify my actions. Facing the hurt, pain, and how broken my family is is almost too much to bear. Being humble and with humility is a bitter, hard pill to swallow. All of my rambling here is just to give you that perspective. Once again, I am the hero of my story, and it's hard to come around to the villainous things I have done. It was almost easier to just stay mad and buy that story I was telling myself. The only problem is, it's like eating sugar puffs for every meal. Great at the beginning, but no nourishment. I hope I made some sense there.



Thank you so much for giving me your perspective on this. I really appreciate it & it makes a lot of sense. I certainly wish my ex-husband would have expressed some humbleness & humility for everything he did. He was more intent on blaming me & justifying the reasons why he had the affair. He also seemed to think that I couldn't really understand how he felt because I've never experienced an affair.

I'm not sure my ex will ever really get to a place where he feels responsible for what he did to me & to our family. I think he will always find a way to justify his actions which is very sad. I'm glad I'm not waiting on any kind of true apology from him. He's become so different to the person I met, fell in love with & married that sometimes I don't recognize him.

I hope you can continue to find a way to work through things. I'm sure it's difficult but at least you seem to want to really try & that says a lot about you.
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Kalmarjan
TimeToFly wrote:
Kalmarjan wrote:
. I woke up, hopefully not too late, and I am working through this. Let me tell you something though, the hardest thing is going back. Admitting the story I told myself was a lie sold to myself to justify my actions. Facing the hurt, pain, and how broken my family is is almost too much to bear. Being humble and with humility is a bitter, hard pill to swallow. All of my rambling here is just to give you that perspective. Once again, I am the hero of my story, and it's hard to come around to the villainous things I have done. It was almost easier to just stay mad and buy that story I was telling myself. The only problem is, it's like eating sugar puffs for every meal. Great at the beginning, but no nourishment. I hope I made some sense there.



Thank you so much for giving me your perspective on this. I really appreciate it & it makes a lot of sense. I certainly wish my ex-husband would have expressed some humbleness & humility for everything he did. He was more intent on blaming me & justifying the reasons why he had the affair. He also seemed to think that I couldn't really understand how he felt because I've never experienced an affair.

I'm not sure my ex will ever really get to a place where he feels responsible for what he did to me & to our family. I think he will always find a way to justify his actions which is very sad. I'm glad I'm not waiting on any kind of true apology from him. He's become so different to the person I met, fell in love with & married that sometimes I don't recognize him.

I hope you can continue to find a way to work through things. I'm sure it's difficult but at least you seem to want to really try & that says a lot about you.

Thank you for that.
Take heart in knowing that chances are the man you know is still there, he is just in a nightmare, in a fog and navigating his way out. If you think the lies he tells you are something, you have no idea what he is telling himself to sell his story to himself.
When he wakes up, hopefully not to late, he will not be able to stand who he became.
In some ways I guess it would be easier to stay mad and just follow my story, but it's not living authentically.
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TimeToFly
Yes, I would agree that the man who I knew for a long time is still there in some greatly diminished capacity so it's very hard to find him. He's become very self-absorbed & critical of so many things. Not to mention his huge ego thanks to her. I really doubt that he will ever come to terms with what he's done & certainly not if he remains with her. They are still in fantasy land after four years & there's no signs of that ending. 

It definitely is too late for us in terms of saving our marriage. I finally gave up on that at the start of 2014 & finalized my divorce three months ago. But someday maybe he will look in the mirror & see who has become. Only time will tell.  
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