How do I know she is suffering? I guess I can't be certain but I sense that she is. And that facing it is quite hard for her.
If she sat there all day saying "i am suffering" I still wouldn't know for sure. Maybe she is cold and dead inside and feels nothing. Or she's a sociopath. Basically I gave her every chance to leave and do whatever a cold, dead-inside sociopath would do and she didn't do any of it. So my best guess is that she is suffering but I can't truly "know". That's like all things in life though. From what you say your H is probably wracked with guilt. He might get more respite from his pain than you do. He might not truly face it until 10 years from now when he gets diagnosed with some disease, or finds religion, or something else gives him a big jolt. But it sounds like there are ugly truths he knows about but is not facing fully yet. I feel that we need to have some faith that those things take different amounts of time for each of us. I can see how it would be hard to face guilt every minute of every day. I wouldn't like to have to do that. So... I don't want to force anyone else to either. If our WSes are not good enough people to be feeling guilt and shame, and if they are not good enough people to work through all that and feel remorse on their own schedule then we are wasting our time with them and nothing we say or do will make them into decent human beings. If we are choosing to stay with them, we are making a bet that they are good enough. So if we are making that bet then we have to make it properly. That means committing to a belief that they are good people of conscience despite a grievous mistake, and to a belief that they love us. You can't be half pregnant and you can't just half-believe in your spouse. Not in the long run anyway. Sooner or later you have to say - I might be wrong to trust him and believe in him but I think I am right, and the only way to find out for sure is to throw myself into that belief 100% and take the damage if I am wrong. Otherwise what are we doing? I dunno. Like I said I have bad days. But in the end in this whole life you have to master your feelings and choose which ones you will allow to win. I think we are choosing faith and optimism, right? I had, in my twenties, great sex, cyber sex, all kinds of stuff, that I never had with my wife. That makes no difference whatsoever to my feelings. The reality is that our WSes have exes. Your husband has an ex girlfriend. It is hard to think about but that is what it is. So what is it that hurts? We don't care about the other exes no matter what they did together. I never even thought for one second about my wife and the boyfriend she had before me. Still don't. The only reason to care about this more recent ex is the deceit. So forget about the sex including the sexting. It's meaningless. The deception matters a lot. Focus on that because it is the thing you really have to get past. Like I said, I do not really know. That was a bit of a stream of consciousness just then
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.
BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.