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Allthatremains
anthropoidape wrote:


I think you can do it and it is worth aiming for. Sincerely. Where you are now is not the way you can or should live out your days. You have done the impossible once, you can do the impossible again. 


How do you know she is suffering? My spouse will say when asked that he feels badly but makes no effort to share in our healing together. He just wants to forget it and wait for me to figure it out. He is patient and kind but just not that willing to look inward to see how he slipped into this cruel and selfish persona. Tonight I am dying inside just having a moment when I can't put the 'exciting sexting' out of my mind or worse all that he took away from me. It's a dark moment and I feel very alone and deeply broken. I applaud your strength.
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anthropoidape
How do I know she is suffering? I guess I can't be certain but I sense that she is. And that facing it is quite hard for her.

If she sat there all day saying "i am suffering" I still wouldn't know for sure. Maybe she is cold and dead inside and feels nothing. Or she's a sociopath. Basically I gave her every chance to leave and do whatever a cold, dead-inside sociopath would do and she didn't do any of it. So my best guess is that she is suffering but I can't truly "know". 

That's like all things in life though. 

From what you say your H is probably wracked with guilt. He might get more respite from his pain than you do. He might not truly face it until 10 years from now when he gets diagnosed with some disease, or finds religion, or something else gives him a big jolt. But it sounds like there are ugly truths he knows about but is not facing fully yet. I feel that we need to have some faith that those things take different amounts of time for each of us. I can see how it would be hard to face guilt every minute of every day. I wouldn't like to have to do that. So... I don't want to force anyone else to either. 

If our WSes are not good enough people to be feeling guilt and shame, and if they are not good enough people to work through all that and feel remorse on their own schedule then we are wasting our time with them and nothing we say or do will make them into decent human beings. 

If we are choosing to stay with them, we are making a bet that they are good enough. So if we are making that bet then we have to make it properly. That means committing to a belief that they are good people of conscience despite a grievous mistake, and to a belief that they love us. You can't be half pregnant and you can't just half-believe in your spouse. Not in the long run anyway. Sooner or later you have to say - I might be wrong to trust him and believe in him but I think I am right, and the only way to find out for sure is to throw myself into that belief 100% and take the damage if I am wrong.

Otherwise what are we doing? 

I dunno. Like I said I have bad days. But in the end in this whole life you have to master your feelings and choose which ones you will allow to win. I think we are choosing faith and optimism, right? 

I had, in my twenties, great sex, cyber sex, all kinds of stuff, that I never had with my wife. That makes no difference whatsoever to my feelings. The reality is that our WSes have exes. Your husband has an ex girlfriend. It is hard to think about but that is what it is. So what is it that hurts? We don't care about the other exes no matter what they did together. I never even thought for one second about my wife and the boyfriend she had before me. Still don't. The only reason to care about this more recent ex is the deceit. 

So forget about the sex including the sexting. It's meaningless. The deception matters a lot. Focus on that because it is the thing you really have to get past. 

Like I said, I do not really know. That was a bit of a stream of consciousness just then [smile] 

Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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anthropoidape
I suppose what I am thinking is that if I thought I would still be dealing much with affair trauma three years from now, still full of rage or grief or distrust, or if I thought my wife really just didn't have any remorse, I would jump ship now. 
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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anthropoidape
Allthatremains wrote:
Tonight I am dying inside just having a moment when I can't put the 'exciting sexting' out of my mind or worse all that he took away from me. It's a dark moment and I feel very alone and deeply broken. I applaud your strength.


Please don't think I have any special strength; I feel exactly the way you are describing often enough. 

And it is totally possible we'll split before the year is out. 

Trying my hardest though... trying to live as though certain things are true even though I am only about 60% sure they are true, because if I let the fear and doubt win then it all becomes a kind of self-fulfilling prophecy. 
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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Keepabuzz
anthropoidape wrote:
I suppose what I am thinking is that if I thought I would still be dealing much with affair trauma three years from now, still full of rage or grief or distrust, or if I thought my wife really just didn't have any remorse, I would jump ship now. 


I felt the same way as you do. I don't have the rage, grief, dispair, sadness, etc that I had in the early days, it's still there at times though, and I'm 2 years in. I read everything I could get my hands on in the first few months after d-day. I had to know what I was up against, what did recovery look like.  The average healing time is 2-5 years. There are some very forgiving people that can do it faster (NOT ME), and there are some that can never get past it (hopefully not me). I'm thinking that I will be on the longer side though. Like you if my wife showed no remorse, I would have been out as soon as she confessed. 

My healing has been very slow, but constant. Constant has kept me going.  I don't distrust my wife, but I wouldn't say I trust her. She has done absolutely nothing since her confession that is dishonest, but I am the type of person that if you screw me once, I'm done with you. So this is new ground for me. I think I will always have the damage from her affair to deal with. I just think it will be easier with time. I think the pain won't be as sharp, I think when it does hurt, it won't hurt as long.  I really wish I could heal to point of "like it never happened" but I don't think I can.  The scars will always be there. I will always feel the need to protect myself.  I think there is a wall in me that may never come down. I may never be able to be 100% vulnerable with her or anyone ever again. I guess that is just my new reality.  It's not fair, but life isn't fair. Sh*t happens to us that we don't deserve. We just have to deal with it and move forward. That's all I can do. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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DorothyJane7
Keepabuzz wrote:


I felt the same way as you do. I don't have the rage, grief, dispair, sadness, etc that I had in the early days, it's still there at times though, and I'm 2 years in. I read everything I could get my hands on in the first few months after d-day. I had to know what I was up against, what did recovery look like.  The average healing time is 2-5 years. There are some very forgiving people that can do it faster (NOT ME), and there are some that can never get past it (hopefully not me). I'm thinking that I will be on the longer side though. Like you if my wife showed no remorse, I would have been out as soon as she confessed. 

My healing has been very slow, but constant. Constant has kept me going.  I don't distrust my wife, but I wouldn't say I trust her. She has done absolutely nothing since her confession that is dishonest, but I am the type of person that if you screw me once, I'm done with you. So this is new ground for me. I think I will always have the damage from her affair to deal with. I just think it will be easier with time. I think the pain won't be as sharp, I think when it does hurt, it won't hurt as long.  I really wish I could heal to point of "like it never happened" but I don't think I can.  The scars will always be there. I will always feel the need to protect myself.  I think there is a wall in me that may never come down. I may never be able to be 100% vulnerable with her or anyone ever again. I guess that is just my new reality.  It's not fair, but life isn't fair. Sh*t happens to us that we don't deserve. We just have to deal with it and move forward. That's all I can do. 


This is me to a T. If I distrusted my husband, I couldn't stay here and work on our marriage. I know it's sort of odd to say, but I don't really trust him either. Maybe I'm just comparing now to before. It's not the same kind of trust. It's not the "he would never" or "I know for certain" kind of trust. I don't think I'd have that with anyone.

I love him. He loves me and I'm absolutely convinced of that because of his everyday actions. He has done much of the hard work to be transparent and reflective about the past. He is truly supportive of my healing and takes part in it, even though it's painful to do so. I feel a sense of guilt for not being able to say "I'm over it" or "I've forgiven completely." When I have triggers, I am doubly pained because of the trigger pain itself, but also because it's a realization of the fact I'm still so rocked by it. 

To be frank, I have a tough time being very giving or showing a ton of affection with him. I hold back. I know I do. I feel ridiculous not to. Some part of me screams, "He had a freaking affair!!!!!! What a dope you are!"  I wish I felt more free.

I hope someday I'll feel more off-guard and enjoy giving him the affection, attention, loving efforts I'd like to do. It's ironic and hard to think that those are the things he craved most from his AP. It wasn't sex. That's always been a strongsuit of ours and it wasn't at all between the two of them. It was her affection, attention, and putting him on a pedestal. I don't do that easily anyway, and now I feel almost an aversion to it sometimes.
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Allthatremains
Been thinking alot today and very much appreciate the support and openness of sharing your stories and struggles as it helps to know I am not crazy and that my reactions are not unfamiliar. I have come to a conclusion(which will probably be a fluid conclusion as the healing evolves) that knowing he never thought of me and the children is what I find the most disturbing. That coupled with the fact he was more than willingly and consistently thought of her when he was with us but did not think of me when he was with her. This is what hurts the most, the fact that I and we didn't matter, to say his actions were self-absorbed and selfish is a colossal understatement. It is this that I struggle with, how to rebuild myself to know that I am a person worthy of more, that I didn't deserve this, no matter what the reasons that led him there, this was his flaw, this was his at his most unhealthy. How did I miss that he was capable of such cruelty? How, with the love I have always had for him do I reconcile the lack of respect and decency he showed? If he recognised this as his shortcoming and addressed it to ensure that he has looked into what made him vulnerable, that would help me. Instead even with all his effort, and he is giving it his best effort, I get sympathy not empathy. I get, "I am sorry you are having a hard time", which is so much different than "I am sorry I have caused you so much pain." He wants to be a good husband and a good father and although he openly admits that committing adultery was of his choosing, he seems to believe that just because he says and believes that he will never do this again and "I will never hurt you and the kids for the rest of our marriage" is enough for our marriage to recover. I believe it takes more. Anyone else have an opinion?
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K46
I have the same thoughts. My H says the same. I try to explain to him that it's difficult to just start trusting again especially as I don't really know why he started all this other than "I was stupid", "I took our love for granted"
"I know me and I won't do this again". " I know I saw lots of women but I only slept with one".
mmm. But so many women. So many messages implying you want sex. So much sexting with old colleagues. 
Taking women to the restaurants and bars we go to. 
Now messages found to escort. "I was just curious".
he has made positive changes. More transparent and funny enough can now travel somewhere early and return late without staying over. 
But what do you start to build on. I like the attention I now get from him but it's under this umbrella of pain, mistrust, the unknown. 
Im heading to 8 months but it can feel like yesterday sometimes. Like you all I wonder will this get better. I hold on to 2-5 years getting over it. But at my age a long wait plus you never know if this will happen again. 
It's such a shame to have been vulnerable and feeling safe to scared, unsure and always on heightened alert. 
I feel we show strength and weakness. 
We are using our strength to get through the days and try to make a go of our relationships but I feel we are also weak. We probably were the people who said if this happened to me I would go. I deserve more. Yet here we are. 
As I have said before. Love is a strong emotion. 
But is it the right one in all this mess. We know we deserve more. 
We just need to praise ourselves by getting through each day. Thinking of others when no one thought of us. 
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anthropoidape
Yes. There is a big part of me that wishes that we had split on d-day, or even split a year or more earlier when the affair started and my wife pretty much verbally broke up with me, though without telling me why, and then quickly stating that she would keep trying instead.

It has been a miserable time for me, coming up to two years now. I am "happy" quite often but it is happy in the way that a slave is happy when his master is being nice that day. 
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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Keepabuzz
anthropoidape wrote:
Yes. There is a big part of me that wishes that we had split on d-day, or even split a year or more earlier when the affair started and my wife pretty much verbally broke up with me, though without telling me why, and then quickly stating that she would keep trying instead.

It has been a miserable time for me, coming up to two years now. I am "happy" quite often but it is happy in the way that a slave is happy when his master is being nice that day. 



I am often happy, but it certainly isn't the same happy as it used to be.
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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K46
What does happy feel like? My daughter said something funny the other day and I laughed out. My first thought was gosh is that what laughter from you sounds like. It's not a usual thing. I am also reading everything I can to make sense of affairs. What I do read is that most people that stay together don't really appear fully happy. There was only one story I read where a women had said it was the best thing that happened. She realised she need to give more to her H and now they have a better relationship. Surely reaching there with him being honest about their relationship before having an affair would have been better but maybe I'm different. I can build on honesty and trust but deceit and lies is much harder. 
I could even just put the Sex aside if that was lacking in the first place but when you are having that and they still go off then what do you build on?? 
I have better days but last night I just cried like a baby again. 
Another day eh. 
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Virtual
Saying "I forgive you" was probably more for me then for him. I understand that he made a ton of bad choices through those few months of the affair. It isn't who he has been for 33+ years. People can be stupid and selfish and he certainly was. I have more of problem now trusting him. I'm surprised that it has been easier to forgive then trust. Trust may take me years more. It's been 1.5 years now and even with all his efforts, trust isn't there. 
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anthropoidape
I feel pretty much as though I have forgiven. But that's just nowhere near the end of the journey. 
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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surviving
Virtual - yes, forgiveness is for YOU, not him.  Also, trust will take more time.  Forgiveness does NOT equal trust.  Forgiveness is given, trust has to be earned.  Earning trust will take a long time of him doing the right things and his actions backing up his words.  
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Awakened
I’m struggling at 6 months with many of the same questions. We are making progress which sometimes seems to make forgiveness harder—I don’t want to gloss over what she did—I’m not perfect; I have my share of poor actions/inactions I’ve the years but I NEVER cheated. That wasn’t an option since I’ve always felt I would be disrespecting her , our marriage, but mostly myself. 
She cheated and didn’t stop when she recognized it was wrong. It took him stopping to communicate to end it—she shows remorse now but how much longer would it have gone on? 
That makes forgiveness tough
not sure when this hurt softens —
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