canadien2499
As it stand;
I was infertile two years ago and my wife got desperate for baby as my younger brother was having it; she got highly depressed at one point; because we could not conceive baby;
I just did DNA test and found out that this is not my baby as that is what I was told all this time;

So Last Year; She planned and had a baby with my extended relative cousin; she said she never told me because I would judge her decision and would tell other people about it.

I just broke their contact and already told his wife and mom about their secret meetings; I still not have told his wife about this Son.

Now, this is my presumption but she just mentioned that the AP did not wish monthly happy birthday for my son as he used to do this until last month when I found out that she was in contact with him without my knowledge.

Now, How do I respond if she makes a request that he wants to see his son and make a relation with him in the long run? how would you answer this question if it comes back?

She is already making remarks that this is his son and I should be thankful for his gesture and he has certain rights.

She says that she is worried about him and this makes me curious as to what she can ask me to do...
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ThrivenotSurvive
I don't know about Canadian parental right laws.  I HIGHLY advise you to see an attorney about your rights - especially concerning the child as you are not the biological father.  

Here in the US, you would likely be advised that you have limited (if any) significant parental rights.  An  overwhelming advantage is given (whether warranted or not) to the biological parents.  I fear that if this other man demanded to see the child and choose to pursue it in court, you would lose.  If your wife leaves you, I also fear that you will have little to no rights where the child is concerned. 

But here's the thing your wife has not seemed to have considered.  Since you are NOT the biological father and did not willingly choose to adopt another's man child or enter into a binding legal agreement to have another man father a child on your behalf, I think there is a pretty strong chance YOU aren't responsible (legally) for any child support.  AT MOST, you may be liable for spousal support.  However, even that is not certain because of her betrayal - especially with passing off another man's child as yours.  There is a good chance she would get next to nothing and need to sue HIM for child support.  

Your feelings for the child likely complicate this substantially.  I can only imagine that in all the time you believed it to be your child, you bonded closely.  Parenting a child and being family is not limited to blood.  Love and care build equally, if not stronger, bonds.  

Unfortunately, her lying and betrayal has put you in an even WORSE situation than most.  Because every day that child is in your home the closer the two of you become.  The child to you - and you to the child.  But because you are NOT the biological father - and the man who is has not signed away his parental rights -  he could, at ANY time in this child's life choose to assert those rights in court and make your life a misery.  This could happen now, 5 years from now or 10 years from now.  You are - due to her selfishness and dishonesty - sitting on top of a ticking time bomb that could break your heart and the child's.  

Even if the other man never chose to assert his parental rights, your wife could leave you in 5 years - and deny you any visitation with the child and might very well be able to get away with it because again, you are not the biological father.

I normally try to take a very soft approach with people - but I feel that in this case your situation is so dire, I need to be VERY, VERY direct. 

1) You need to see an attorney IMMEDIATELY.  Explain the situation with the child and find out if you have ANY rights with respect to the child (I fear you are going to find out they are very, very, very limited.)

2) If your rights are as limited as I fear they are - consider what that means to you, your future and the child's.  Because your wife will be able to manipulate your fear of losing that child to make you (and the child) her virtual slave.  Any time you don't do EXACTLY what she wants, all she will have to do is threaten to leave and take the child - and you will know that you have no ability (legally) to stop her.  Given your wife's behavior with you, I have no reason to believe that she will put the child's needs or attachment to you as its father figure first - and will be quite content to use the child to punish you (with talk of leaving or even doing so.) As the child gets older - it won't just be YOU that gets hurt by this.  I have friends who bonded deeply with a step-parent - only to to be ripped from that home when their biological parent decided they didn't want to be married anymore and forbid them to see the ex-step-parent and sadly - the step-parent HAD to abide by the rules or get in trouble with the law!  You may NEED to divorce your wife now to protect you and this child from greater heart break at a later date.  Again - I could be wrong.  Maybe the rules are different in Canada - but you need to get INFORMED by a very reputable and good lawyer asap.  I beg you to do so - not just for yourself but for this child.  

3) You need to see a different counselor/psychologist.  Get a second opinion.  I think the advice yours is giving you seems dubious at best.  Just like every other profession, not all therapists are created equal.  And even if they are good, they may not be qualified to deal with infidelity and lying about paternity.  Just like a property lawyer doesn't give advice on criminal cases - counselors have specialties and I have found that there are very few that are REALLY good at handling infidelity.  Seek one who SPECIALIZES in infidelity (preferably with some familiarity with your culture and arrange marriages).  If they just list it as ONE of a laundry list of issues they work with - they are NOT qualified.  

4) Lastly - and I cannot stress this enough - based on everything you have told us, I think there is a strong possibility that your WIFE has a clinical personality disorder (NPD or BPD are both strong contenders.)  The other man may very well be too, but I do not believe your wife is some delicate innocent who has a good and pure heart and is being totally manipulated to become a selfish jerk by this guy.  The seeds have to be there - he is just watering and nurturing them.  I know that many, many arranged marriages work out beautifully.  But I fear you got saddled with a bad egg and the longer you try to save it, the more hurt you and this poor child will be when it eventually falls apart after she has mistreated you so long that you finally get the nerve to leave.  

I really, really, really wish I could tell you what you so clearly want to hear - that there is some magical set of words, or thing you can do that will suddenly make her see the error of her ways and work with you to build a loving and supportive marriage.  But there isn't.  

The only reason she will change is because SHE believes she is wrong and wants to.  And she has currently told you that she is not wrong - you are - and the only person who needs to change is you.  THAT is what you are signing up to waste your life with.  Please don't.  You deserve so much more.
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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canadien2499
Hey there ThrivenotSurvive and other members;

As it stands now my wife does not want any one to know about the affair or the Baby because we come from South Asian family background; and we have very strong conservative family Oriented Views;

My wife says that He was just a sperm donor and This baby is ours; He wanted to disclose this information to me at the time but my wife stopped him because I would not approve.

He has two daughters and has responsibility to take care of his parents and sister; I think he would have major difficulty if news about his sperm donated son came out.

My wife was imposing 8 months ago to give me the title of Daddy and gave him the title of Papa for the baby; I disagreed at the time as I thought why he should be called Papa; I told her that title for him would not be accepted at the time.

As of Now; He stands to lose lot more then me in terms of Social status and Relations as all our families are known to each other; He would pretty much be ousted from the community if this news broke out; Considering this, my wife will want to keep this a low key secret.

Whatever emotional connection they have made or future plans they devised have nothing to do with me; This is all on my wife trying to go out of Wedlock to find Emotional connection and it was done by deceiving and tricking me.

Only thing is me and how they get to manipulate me and my guilt; This is where I need to get strong Psychologically and put my foot down. He  was very successful Cricket Sports player and has two daughters he can not get involved with as girls do not play Cricket; so naturally he is longing to have son, which he can never have and this is where I have to be very careful not to be manipulated by them.
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hurting
I can hear how much you want to believe that this all happened because you were unable to have a child with your wife. You place this blame on yourself and see it as the reason for why your wife stepped outside of your marriage.

The thing is, you are also describing someone who has been engaging in a full blown affair. Not just ‘my wife chose a sperm donor without discussing with me’ (which has many MANY issues in itself). 

You see, if he was just a ‘donor’, there would be NO emotional attachment. No affection, no COMPARISONS drawn between yourself and him by your wife. As it would not even be on the cards. 

I realise you are hurting badly and lost. Perhaps in a way, you are trying to shield yourself from the full reality of this... but your wife did NOT engage with this person purely because she wanted to have a baby. She engaged in this person for the emotional and physical aspects of having a full blown affair (and worse, created an innocent life out of her immoral selfishness) and is expecting you (as you seem to be expecting yourself) to just live with it and be grateful that there is now a baby.

If she had wanted a donor only, she would not be affectionate or saying ‘he would do that better’. This is a fact. 

My next question to you, would be why do you care that he would be ousted from the community? What your ‘wife’ (because she certainly doesn’t deserve that title!) wants should have little bearing on what you want to do. I can think of a few reasons, such as the shame of others finding out your wife has cheated and that your child is not yours. Do you want him around and in your lives? Because you actually do have the right to stand up and say ‘this isn’t ok and he needs to be gone’. 

I too am from a similar cultural background. I understand the ramifications of what will happen if he is outed. The question is, so what? (In terms of why would you care that the guy who slept with your wife and got her pregnant is gone). I get that there would be significant personal ramifications with such a revelation. Is that what is holding you back?

IMHO you are trying hard to be ok (because of course none of us want to feel as wretchedness of betrayal)... but your focus is on the wrong things. Him possibly wanting to be involved as the child is male so he can play cricket? It is as though you have already decided that the cheating, lying and landing a child who is not yours biologically on you is fine... and trying to focus on other (apologies) significantly less immediate and significant concerns. 

Is this correct? Because I really am a bit confused by the priorities I’m hearing in your posts.

With regards to future visitation rights etc, I would have thought that biological parents are favoured to see their children by law. That is, he likely would be able to do so. 

How old is the child and having found out that he is not biologically yours, do you still consider him to be your son? I keep seeing that ‘your wife tells you he is your son’ but I’m not quite getting your feelings on this matter.
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canadien2499
Hello there hurting;
and Yes I have a very strong bond with my son he is 14 months old; initially my wife was taking my son to visit affair partner before I found out about the affair; Now, we are working and my mom is doing the baby sitting for my son; so my family has a good bond also with my son.

So, my son has not seen the AP for the last three months now and he has almost forgot about him;

Its just a matter of logistics now; as I know my wife wants to play "His Son card" so she can start being in Contact with AP; So ultimately, I want no part of AP involved with my baby because this will eventually lead my wife to deceive me further and I will lose all the progress we are making right now.

This will only be difficult during social gatherings or cultural events as his family has a very good bond with my son and his two daughters will probably want to play with my son.

In a long run I simply want to leave an independent life from this family and want nothing to do with them.
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triplehooks
Find some way you can sue the OM or force your spouse to sue him pursuant to some quid pro quo deal you make with her.  Once you have him against the ropes you can trade him signing away paternity rights to "settle" the matter.  When your antagonist is dirty you have to fight dirty...  And this dude is FILTHY...
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