BlindCheetah

We are starting soon, waiting for the referral to go through the.  The last time we went to a councilor H had recently ended an affair that I didn’t find out about until almost 9 years later. It was a completely pointless waste of time and money. I felt like he was dragging me there to get fixed without telling me what his problem was and he wasn’t interested in mine. Things did gradually improve after we stopped going but he clearly didn’t get what he needed out of it either because he went and did it again 9 years later. This time I know exactly why I’m there and want to get as much out of it as I can. 

I have no idea how this works or what to expect, 

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Crushed
Make sure the theripist fits your needs.  Ours didnt only made things worse until I finally had enough and  fired theripist and told WH to get out.  I am living alone now and he is not doing anything to help himself or to work on marriage.  He thinks I will just get over it.  But its been 3 months and lots of fighting and angry texting and I finally have decided just to not speak to him at all.  What's the use.  And I am kinda getting used to and liking  this living alone.  It's a little more work for me but i can do whatever and whenever i want.  I am not sure if I  will ever want him back even if he did the work.
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BlindCheetah
So we’re delayed by insurance coverage, I emailed another option with questions and haven’t heard back from them yet. I may have to call, I don’t wanna talk to anyone on the phone. 😩
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UrbanExplorer
I second finding a therapist who feels right. If you have a session or two and don't get the right vibe, consider trying someone else. 
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BorealJ

 This time I know exactly why I’m there and want to get as much out of it as I can. 

I have no idea how this works or what to expect, 

  Have you listened to the podcasts on affair counseling cautions?  Very solid advice there.  Here is the episode guide if you haven't listened to that one yet:  https://www.affairhealing.com/uploads/1/9/9/6/19961435/recoveryroom205_guide2.pdf 
We spent our annual insurance budget up pretty quickly ($500 covers about 3 sessions these days) before realizing what we were getting was ineffective and actually hurting.  Marriage counselors often tend to try to do affair counseling out of order and neither of us was stable enough for what ours was trying to achieve in the earlier parts.
In our case, individual counseling was needed to untangle a lot of things before we were able to cooperate in any healing or marriage counseling goals.  If you are not ready for marriage counseling, it'll be money wasted at the least and worse in some cases, it actually does more harm to the relationship if the counselor is out of their depths.
I think most insurance companies won't cover the phone coaching offered by the counselors here, but I'll say that the difference between them and the counselors I paid twice as much for is my local counselors didn't give me solid homework to work on between sessions whereas Tim, Sharon and Jennifer have put a lot of effort into developing resources and activities and will give you solid activities to work on in the in between.  If you have unlimited insurance, absolutely use what is covered, but if you are going to blow through your coverage in a couple of visits, I would recommend using it for whatever you'll use less of (IC or MC) and do the phone coaching here for the other portion that will be cheaper than counseling and with people who really know what you are going through.
It made a huge difference to me to know that I was speaking to someone who legitimately understood what I was experiencing and was actually specialized in affair recovery rather than someone who lists affair counseling in a big list of services. 
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JKoloseik
Each counselor we saw created more harm than good. WS wouldn't do most of the work or suggestions, and the counselor figured it'd be easier to focus on me. Which of course centered on things like: it's time for me to try trusting him, I need to be his friend, even suggested that I initiate the conversations since he wouldn't. Any time I tried to suggest we get someone else, WS accused me of wanting to find the one counselor who will agree with me. When all the while, it was him who barely, if at all, put in the work. The counselor made justifications for him and made me feel like the lack of progress was because of my lack of trust. And she wasn't the first one. We've tried many. Most were just as damaging. The one who actually tried to hold him accountable, didn't work out because of scheduling. The affair healing videos I've watched describes such sad cases, and explains that the counselor really should specialize in affairs. But my WS didn't want that. Well, this whole excruciating roller coaster has been all about him getting what he wants while convincing me that I'm unreasonable. It all boils down to one thing: does he really want to face it? If the WS isn't ready to give up everything, especially pride and shame, to save the marriage and protect the BS; it's ALL head games and appearances. 
Female BS 
DD 10/16/16
WS multiple relapses
Physical affair, emotional affairs, online affairs
In-house separation 06/11/18
Complete separation 01/04/20
Last relapse 01/07/20
Don't be afraid. Don't be dismayed. The battle belongs to the Lord.
2 Ch. 20:15
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Keepabuzz
JKoloseik wrote:
Each counselor we saw created more harm than good. WS wouldn't do most of the work or suggestions, and the counselor figured it'd be easier to focus on me. Which of course centered on things like: it's time for me to try trusting him, I need to be his friend, even suggested that I initiate the conversations since he wouldn't. Any time I tried to suggest we get someone else, WS accused me of wanting to find the one counselor who will agree with me. When all the while, it was him who barely, if at all, put in the work. The counselor made justifications for him and made me feel like the lack of progress was because of my lack of trust. And she wasn't the first one. We've tried many. Most were just as damaging. The one who actually tried to hold him accountable, didn't work out because of scheduling. The affair healing videos I've watched describes such sad cases, and explains that the counselor really should specialize in affairs. But my WS didn't want that. Well, this whole excruciating roller coaster has been all about him getting what he wants while convincing me that I'm unreasonable. It all boils down to one thing: does he really want to face it? If the WS isn't ready to give up everything, especially pride and shame, to save the marriage and protect the BS; it's ALL head games and appearances. 


What HE wants should have absolutely ZERO value........
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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JKoloseik
Keepabuzz wrote:


What HE wants should have absolutely ZERO value........


Yeah, well, he doesn't get that; and it's slowly becoming clear he will always put himself and his wants first. I'm starting to believe that it's never been about me. I just happen to be the one married to him. I believe it could be any girl, as long as she doesn't get in the way of what he wants. As long as she remains gullible and clueless. Even his shame is about what he wants. He wants to hate himself. After all, if he hates himself, he can keep doing destructive things. I keep praying for a miracle in his life, because it's such a sad, lonely way to live. Maybe he'll get that miracle or maybe I'll wake up. 
Female BS 
DD 10/16/16
WS multiple relapses
Physical affair, emotional affairs, online affairs
In-house separation 06/11/18
Complete separation 01/04/20
Last relapse 01/07/20
Don't be afraid. Don't be dismayed. The battle belongs to the Lord.
2 Ch. 20:15
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BlindCheetah
BorealJ wrote:
  Have you listened to the podcasts on affair counseling cautions?  Very solid advice there.  Here is the episode guide if you haven't listened to that one yet:  https://www.affairhealing.com/uploads/1/9/9/6/19961435/recoveryroom205_guide2.pdf 
We spent our annual insurance budget up pretty quickly ($500 covers about 3 sessions these days) before realizing what we were getting was ineffective and actually hurting.  Marriage counselors often tend to try to do affair counseling out of order and neither of us was stable enough for what ours was trying to achieve in the earlier parts.
In our case, individual counseling was needed to untangle a lot of things before we were able to cooperate in any healing or marriage counseling goals.  If you are not ready for marriage counseling, it'll be money wasted at the least and worse in some cases, it actually does more harm to the relationship if the counselor is out of their depths.
I think most insurance companies won't cover the phone coaching offered by the counselors here, but I'll say that the difference between them and the counselors I paid twice as much for is my local counselors didn't give me solid homework to work on between sessions whereas Tim, Sharon and Jennifer have put a lot of effort into developing resources and activities and will give you solid activities to work on in the in between.  If you have unlimited insurance, absolutely use what is covered, but if you are going to blow through your coverage in a couple of visits, I would recommend using it for whatever you'll use less of (IC or MC) and do the phone coaching here for the other portion that will be cheaper than counseling and with people who really know what you are going through.
It made a huge difference to me to know that I was speaking to someone who legitimately understood what I was experiencing and was actually specialized in affair recovery rather than someone who lists affair counseling in a big list of services. 


I have listened to all the podcasts and we are going through all the inline courses. We’re on Building a Better Marriage now. We are not currently in crisis mode and are communicating better than we have in years. Trust is going to be the hardest part, he completely destroyed that. Our insurance is good the problem is finding someone local. The closest option is a little too close with Facebook friends in common. I’m still waiting on a response from the one I emailed, I’m just going to have to call. We have considered the phone coaching but, using our insurance would save a lot of money.  H is hesitant (but willing) to go to counseling, he’s had some bad advice in the past and quit going about 4 months before affair #2 started.  I won’t waste time on anyone who doesn’t get it. 
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Keepabuzz
JKoloseik wrote:


Yeah, well, he doesn't get that; and it's slowly becoming clear he will always put himself and his wants first. I'm starting to believe that it's never been about me. I just happen to be the one married to him. I believe it could be any girl, as long as she doesn't get in the way of what he wants. As long as she remains gullible and clueless. Even his shame is about what he wants. He wants to hate himself. After all, if he hates himself, he can keep doing destructive things. I keep praying for a miracle in his life, because it's such a sad, lonely way to live. Maybe he'll get that miracle or maybe I'll wake up. 



Its ok if he doesn’t get that. You do, and you should make decisions for you, with that fact in mind. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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JKoloseik
I get so frustrated with myself. When he is around and he seems to be trying, I have more energy to focus on me; yet, when he is around and it's clear he gave up again, slowly I succumb back into my depression. Why is that? Is that normal? Why can't I get myself to separate enough emotionally to regain the strength to be healthy? We're separated, but again he's trying, and I'm getting healthier. I'm so frustrated! It's like flotsam in the waves, like I don't have control over myself. You care for a rose, it'll shine big and bright; when you don't, it'll wither. But it shouldn't be like that. I shouldn't be so easily affected. Or is it normal? When I'm down, I don't have the strength to pray, to call the doctor, to read a self-help book, or to bother with any of my hobbies or church. It's like, when he checks out, I check out. Is it normal in these situations?
Female BS 
DD 10/16/16
WS multiple relapses
Physical affair, emotional affairs, online affairs
In-house separation 06/11/18
Complete separation 01/04/20
Last relapse 01/07/20
Don't be afraid. Don't be dismayed. The battle belongs to the Lord.
2 Ch. 20:15
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Keepabuzz
JKoloseik wrote:
I get so frustrated with myself. When he is around and he seems to be trying, I have more energy to focus on me; yet, when he is around and it's clear he gave up again, slowly I succumb back into my depression. Why is that? Is that normal? Why can't I get myself to separate enough emotionally to regain the strength to be healthy? We're separated, but again he's trying, and I'm getting healthier. I'm so frustrated! It's like flotsam in the waves, like I don't have control over myself. You care for a rose, it'll shine big and bright; when you don't, it'll wither. But it shouldn't be like that. I shouldn't be so easily affected. Or is it normal? When I'm down, I don't have the strength to pray, to call the doctor, to read a self-help book, or to bother with any of my hobbies or church. It's like, when he checks out, I check out. Is it normal in these situations?



I think it is normal. I certainly felt that way. The whole feeling of the loss of control of what the world looks like and how it worked. I remember many, MANY days, months, over a year really where to do literally anything was exhausting. I had no energy I was beyond tired. I just wouldn’t eat, I would just sit, and read books on infidelity, or stare of into space. My whole world had been changed, and I had been destroyed.  I takes a long time to start to make sense of it all again.  
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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JKoloseik
Keepabuzz wrote:



I think it is normal. I certainly felt that way. The whole feeling of the loss of control of what the world looks like and how it worked. I remember many, MANY days, months, over a year really where to do literally anything was exhausting. I had no energy I was beyond tired. I just wouldn’t eat, I would just sit, and read books on infidelity, or stare of into space. My whole world had been changed, and I had been destroyed.  I takes a long time to start to make sense of it all again.  


"Destroyed"... what a good description for how I feel. 
Female BS 
DD 10/16/16
WS multiple relapses
Physical affair, emotional affairs, online affairs
In-house separation 06/11/18
Complete separation 01/04/20
Last relapse 01/07/20
Don't be afraid. Don't be dismayed. The battle belongs to the Lord.
2 Ch. 20:15
Quote 0 0