neslon
I have been fighting a down mood all weekend.  I went to pay our cell phone bill on Friday night and discovered that the OW had called him twice 2 weeks ago.  I immediately called my spouse and asked what was going on.  I saw the calls a 3 mins following by 1 mins.  so I know he's likely telling the truth.  She called and accused me of hitting her car in a parking lot and he told her that he had spent the entire previous day with me and that to stop accusing his wife of doing something deceitful.  He reiterated to not contact him ever again.  I do believe this.  He received the calls at the airport on the way for a business trip and knew I would be alone for 3 days with the kids and didn't want to upset me.  I let him know I would have been bothered no matter when I found out but by finding out by myself as I paid the phone bill was HORRIBLE! and took away needed trust layers.

Then yesterday we had a friend's child's wedding.  I got through the ceremony well but for some reason the reception was almost harder.  Something got me.  I think I had high expectations for the weekend of just being in a better place.  He helped me get out of there when I needed to but I was so overwhelmed that I'm still trying to claw my way out of the rabbit hole.

Today nothing happened but I'm trying to move forward.  My IC talked a lot to me about putting down the books, relaxing and being in the moment.  I'm trying to manically fix everything which my friend pointed out today that it is a form of control.  I'm still attempting to control the situation through the fear.  How do I step past the need to control and fix, how do I put down the fear and be in the moment?
Quote 0 0
Heidi
Hi Neslon, what a horrible way to find out. No wonder you are feeling low. If you're like me you've been triggered, and all the fears and panic from d day come flooding back. Add that to the fact that you are already anxious about his travelling and it's absolutely NORMAL to feel this way.

First of all, stop worrying about worrying. We all have these times, but it doesn't mean you are going to feel this way forever. It's your scars aching. They'll calm down again.

Have you talked through with your husband what to do if she tries to contact him again? Is there any reason why he hasn't blocked her number? My husband couldn't block so he changed his number and that gave me some comfort. It did take him a while to do that though.

Did he tell you why he didn't talk about the phone calls after his return? When my husband does stupid things like that I try to calmly explain that he's slipping back into old behaviours; lying by omission, having a secret with the OW, and that it makes me feel betrayed all over again. Though the truth hurts, the lies and secrecy are what can kill us. He doesn't get to control what I know about my relationship any more.

As for trying to get back into the moment, I know how hard it is. You're in hypervigilance mode, fighting a war that's already over. My best way to ground myself is to walk for hours. There's something about being outside that makes my worries seem less significant. Baths, reading a book, coffee with a friend, or listening to a relaxation tape are also good tools for me to get back into the moment. But it's hard, I know it is.

You've had a shock, your reaction is normal. His hiding things is not a catastrophe, it's just a stumble. Talk things through, suggest a better way of him dealing with it next time, and hopefully he will realise that each time he hides things, it is a trigger. Hang in there, it does get better.
Quote 0 0
Dirazz
neslon, that's the first thing that came to my mind also? Why hasn't he blocked her number? The AP must be blocked, deleted and whatever else you can think of to erase them out of your lives! That's the very first thing that has to happen. I knew nothing about affairs except what I've seen on tv and this is nothing like tv. But I knew enough through natural instinct that my husband had to quit his job immediately. I knew I couldn't even take my first breath until that happened.
The WS must always tell their spouses immediately if the OW tries or does contact them! Heidi is correct! I tell my husband this all the time. Yes the truth may hurt but a lie would devastate me and would be crossing one of the strong boundaries I have set up. It would most likely be the last straw. You must insist on these little things he can and and must do to make you feel safe. It all could have been avoided. Be strong and make sure he knows the boundaries. Trust must be earned and earned over time. Ask yourself has he earned it?
Quote 0 0
neslon
Thanks for the replies!

On the blocking of the number - this was my decision.  We(husband and I) are techie enough that I knew that would be a false safety thing for me.  Because of my personality - False security is worse for me.  If he wanted to -  it would still be easy to hide but I know he's showing up and being here more than he did in that year.  He's allowing himself to enjoy the family time in a way he hadn't in the last year.  My IC and MC went through this with me, I have access to his phone but don't want access to his lap top.  Occasionally I'll ask to see his lap top while he's on it but again too easy to hide things and at this point IF he's still actively hiding stuff that bad I want to be done.  There is no way for me to feel safe with technology so I need to trust that he knows this is our chance.  That I trust.

The OW switched numbers multiple times during affair because of job/phone changes.  Phone calls are easily hidden through apps, etc. so in my head I decided if the draw to be together was that major then I wanted out.  He went no contact with her within an hour of me finding out before I even knew if he was choosing me or her.  I blocked her from texting but again they both have Iphones so technically they could still text.  For business reasons he can't change his number.  In my head I was hoping he would tell me if she called and I think he would have in a normal setting.  He then just pushed it out of his mind and forgot about it but yes it took me to the memory of his bad behaviors.  We talked about it and he understands instead of a chance to build trust he wounded it again.  He understood this clearly, he asked if I would have been destroyed if he told me from the airport and I said yes but not knocked down as far or as long.

I took a walk with a friend yesterday who knows us both and knows the situation.  She agreed with me that he was trying to protect me and it was stupid.  

The idea of fighting a war that's already over is so true - even this situation was "over" before I knew about it.  I can tell you how my IC will react right now.  She will reiterate that even if the OW was calling to reconnect - She got 3 mins of his time where he told her he spent the entire previous day with me and stood up for me and told her to never call that number again.  These are all things that are good for the OW to know.  If I'm still struggling tomorrow, I will make an appointment as that is self-care too.  

Quote 0 0
Heidi
You're doing great. I smiled when you said you knew what your therapist will tell you - I do this too! I almost have imaginary conversations with her in my head. It means you're seeing the negative thoughts for what they are and rationalising them, which is a big step forward. Being able to recognize negative thoughts for what they are is a big step in healing.

Maybe the phone blocking should be something to revisit when you are ready. Rather than benefitting you, it might benefit your husband to not have her calling him. Not because he's going to hide it again, but because it can be very hard for WS to move on when they are being contacted by the OW, and takes away from the energy they should be expending on your relationship and their own healing.

It sounds as though you're dealing really well with this.
Quote 0 0
Dirazz
Well then it sounds as if he did it all right. You don't want him to block her number and he did the right thing by not telling you right away about the phone calls. If your ok with those then that's what you need to keep doing. Are you good with those decisions? It seems that it brought some pain back to you? Everyone needs to do what is right for them. That's the one thing that is different with all of us. We all deal with things in different ways. The one thing that is all the same is the PAIN.
Quote 0 0
neslon
Dirazz - I don't think I said my thought clearly enough. I told him I would have preferred knowing right away as that would have built trust. I would have still been wounded but not as much as I was finding out as I did. He like most WS is shocked by the pain levels. I had him read what was said in the topic so far. He said we could block her number but he does not waste energy on her at all.

On the Pain - I figured at some point she would contact him again. I think it's her MO. I think this contact was mostly testing to see what our situation was. She acted like I was stalking her and that made him angry and he saw yet more ugly from her. He told her I was better than that and wouldn't waste my time with her. I was angry on Friday night. Now I'm frustrated, sad, and in pain. Angry was easier but not very useful.
Quote 0 0
neslon
I finally was brave enough to go back into our cell phone bill and pay the bill which means I did a search in the last 6 months and it's clean other than those 2 calls.  I blocked the phone number that I know of but if I'm honest this does not give me that much safety.

I talked with my BFF who I can tell is internally screaming "be careful" and I truly think I am being careful. It's getting through the grief of those past memories flooding back.  BFF also said she thinks we are in a better place.  He is consistently showing up and being here.  He has shown more empathy in the past 2-3 weeks than before.  He has also been better with defensiveness.  When I found the phone calls he didn't react defensively at all - which I'm taking as a good sign.  

My IC and I have been working through the idea that I am keeping a certain amount of pain wrapped around me like a security blanket in order to "protect" myself.  This is standing in the way of me getting what I want which is a solid relationship with my husband.  I know forgiveness isn't forgetting but it is choosing to step past the pile of crap and believe he is a better man that he is trying to show me.  It's also believing that I'm a better person also who won't accept less than what I need and want.  This weekend did produce some needed conversations so there was a bit of good buried in the poop.  


Quote 0 0