WS_bob
Our story was posted by my BS somewhere below, however I didn't feel it to be appropriate in that post. We have been going through MC and it has been working well. However, often she will get extremely angry over things when going over the physical affair details, that she is losing it completely. I understand it's because she is extremely hurt and is tired of it and just wants it to stop.

What I would like to know is, what can I do in those situations? I feel completely helpless, see total hate in her eyes and just want to run away. I won't but nevertheless my head goes into a loop that I don't know what to do other than to put her in a tight grip so she can't continue to hurt herself and break things.

Thanks a lot for your perspectives. (even though I understand the forum might be closing.)
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anthro
All you can do is take your medicine, I think. 

I do think it's healthy for a BS, eventually, to move on from asking and talking about physical details. Personally it was enough for me to assume that basically everything that happens happened. 

However it is for the BS alone to decide that it is time to move on from there. 

What she is going through is worse than any physical torture I can think of; it's the same loss of personal autonomy and safety that you'd experience if you were abducted and tortured with no hope of controlling what's happening to you, because it is all stuff that already happened. She can't even leave right at the start because the start was a secret. So, imagine that you have been tied to a chair and are being eaten alive by rats and ants, and can't do anything to stop it, and that is about the right level of anguish. 
Formerly known as Anthropoidape... male bs, long affair, d-day Feb 2017.
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Keepabuzz
WS_Bob,

DO NOT BE DEFENSIVE, & BE PRESENT.  You can’t change what you did. You can’t take away your wife’s indescribable pain and suffering. You can’t fix it. What you can do is BE PRESENT. I know exactly how your wife feels. I’ve been there. Take the rage, let her vent and get it out. You caused it all, and you should be the one to take it all.  No matter how much she lets out, there is a thousand times more still inside. It’s like steam in a tea kettle. If the lid doesn’t let some whistle out, then it would literally explode. So, take it. Then SHOW REMORSE. TRUE REMORSE. Let your walls down, and SHOW her your remorse. Show her YOUR pain from what you have done.  This is when she needs to see it the most. Don’t say “I’m sorry”. Say “I’m sorry for XXXXX”. Be specific, otherwise you come across as minimizing, and not taking ownership of what you have done. Example “I’m so sorry that I betrayed you” “I am so sorry that I broke you”. “I’m so sorry that I destroyed your ability to trust”.  I could go on for a few paragraphs, but you get the point.

It will get better, but it takes a long time, and a long track record of YOU doing the right things ALL THE TIME. I’m not sure where you and your wife are on the timeline, but I personally raged like a crazy person for over a year.   
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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WS_bob
Thanks a lot, I think I am struggling most with seeing when things are great then it's starting to go sideways and then landslide all in a matter of minutes. And there is nothing one seems to be able to do. But I get that she needs to vent cause she would explode otherwise because there is so much hurt and anger inside her. 
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Keepabuzz


I remember those times. The triggers are everywhere and all the time in the early months. I remember after about a year, I was able to occasionally seem “ok”, at least for a little while, that could also trigger me. Because my wife would act like everything was fine, becasue I seemed “ok”. I’m not saying there is anything wrong with that, or that you shouldn’t do that. For me when those times first started to happen, I felt like my wife was acting like everything was fine and it suremas he!! wasn’t.  So that would trigger my rage, I would tell her all about how it wasn’t “ok”, nothing was “ok”. Again, I’m not saying the way she was acting was wrong, nor was my reaction to it, it just was what it was. 

On your comment of “something goes sideways, and landslide.”  It takes SO MUCH energy just to get through the day with so much pain, to say it’s exhausting doesn’t even begin to describe it. All there is, is the pain and sadness. Imagine a bucket  completely full of gasoline. It may seem “ok” just sitting there, maybe not completely safe, but not an immediate danger. Then someone or something bumps it. It doesn’t all spill out, but quite a bit sloshes out on the floor and a spark lights it on fire. The BS does all they can to put the lid on the bucket, but what ever amount spilled out, burns very hot and fast, it is explosive.  So no matter how much is out and burned up, there is a huge amount left. For the BS, that bucket has no bottom, it’s infinite.  

It does get better, but it’s a very long. The improvements are extremely incremental, and very slow. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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anthro
Keepabuzz wrote:
It does get better, but it’s a very long. 


It does get better, but it doesn't get all better like recovering from a cold or a broken arm. It gets better like being put in a wheelchair gets better - the damage is permanent but you build into your life ways of dealing with it and working around it. 
Formerly known as Anthropoidape... male bs, long affair, d-day Feb 2017.
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Keepabuzz
anthro wrote:


It does get better, but it doesn't get all better like recovering from a cold or a broken arm. It gets better like being put in a wheelchair gets better - the damage is permanent but you build into your life ways of dealing with it and working around it. 


I would agree with that 100%.
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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TheFarmGirl
Anthro and keepabuzz always have the best wisdom... I can’t top that ;-)

all i I can say is it will take ages (read: years) for your relationship to start to recover. I’m a BS; I’ve had some flaky relationships in my past, before my “love of my life” and the only person I would consider having children with. So after d day I thought I’d be able to get through this pretty quick. I’m a very rational person... a couple weeks, I’ll be fine. Nope. We are at 9 months and I’m still not sure if the devastation of divorce is better or worse than this. Most of the time this seems worse. 

BUT... I’m a rational person, and it’s nine months since the last d day (five years, two &$;@“ later). I don’t trust him. HATE him. Can’t imagine I loved him. 

But it we have a child, so I endure. It’s awful. I have no expectations of romantic love. I just don’t want my kid taken away from me 50% of the time. So here I am... stuck. 

I dont know if you have children, but I pray you don’t... this is so much easier without kids involved. (Been there, done that too). 
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TheFarmGirl
Just read over my response. I sound bitter. I am. 
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Skelling
Farmgirl I am so sorry. You are not much longer at this than us ( 6.5 month). I do get the being torn between divorce and enduring. It is such a hard place to be. For me though there is one difference. I do not hate my husband but I very much hate the situation I was put in and I very much hate that this happened and that it was so seemimgly easy. I love my husband very much and I think thats part of the problem as I was completly blindsided. I trusted him fully and never expected to have my trust betrayed on so many levels and that very much hurts. We have 4 children the oldest a teenage girl and the youngest 4 and you are right it is horrible for those little ones too. Our 4 year old, who has some health issues sat between us the other day, when we had a civil argument but he picked up on the tone and told us "stop it you too". It breakes my heart, that they have to pay the price too. I can very well see why you feel bitter and that is my fear. i don't want to be that angry, misserable person, for one because my husband had used me being "misserable" as his way into the affair and secondly, I just don't like my self blowing up like that, being sad like that.

Anthro and Keep you both are very right and reading your responses made me cry a little because this is exactly how I feel and you don't even know me but seem to get me well. Part of my fear is, that the whole infidelity will leave me disabled for life. And that scares the heck out of me. As for the sexual details. There are holes in my husband's story, which my mind is trying to fill and my imagination is making it not easy. I suppose I am trying to figure out, how much damage was done. Who was the initiator... as my husband would tell me that he "went along" but didn't really want to but had no way out and when I ask about the details, that don't match that story and which of most, he either has a real hard time to remember or doesn't remember at all, I get frustrated scared of being lied to again...You need to remember that the first and second version of what happened was fabricated lies down to touches and how the sex went down. So yes I do need those details I suppose to make sure that I have the correct version of it now with nothing missing... I know its hard to grasps and I know that especially sexual details can be counterproductive. But the weird thing is, whenever he was able to answer those questions and the story would add up, I would be able to shelf it and not have my head spinning around what happened. Does that make sense? Its not that I want to dwell on it, I just want to be able to make sense of that time, archive the events and move forward and work on healing. Keep I love the examples you are using. I am a very visual person and those examples explain pretty darn well how I feel inside, nothing I want but also nothing I can control at the time as Anthro said, its like being eaten alive and there is nothing to stop it.

As for my husband, be patient with me. I want us. I want to be better. I want to laugh and enjoy again. I am not like this to get back to you or make you feel guilty and ashamed or to make sure you don't forget what you did but i need you to be vulnerable too and I want to trust you again and I want to know that I am save with you.
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MC
Skelling wrote:

As for my husband, be patient with me. I want us. I want to be better. I want to laugh and enjoy again. I am not like this to get back to you or make you feel guilty and ashamed or to make sure you don't forget what you did but i need you to be vulnerable too and I want to trust you again and I want to know that I am save with you.


This really resonates with me.  It is essentially what I told my wife, the WS. 

My anger as  BS would come and go unpredictably.  It still does to some extent, although now I am much better able to take a deep breath and cool the flames of anger by identifying its source and putting that source in perspective.  That is a skill very much still in the works.  A WS has to accept that their BS will be angry, and have hope that the anger will diminish.  A BS has to work towards cooling the flames of anger.  It helps too if they can tell their WS what Skelling is saying.  The hope is that the WS can move towards identifying the source of anger.  Anger can be a constructive emotion if the anger can be deciphered to its cause without letting the anger lead to hateful behavior.

 I think that anger is an emotion with sources in frustration, loss and emotional trauma (hurt).  I read at one point that:
  • Anger is an emotion,
  • resulting from a perceived loss,
  • attributed to a willful agent, and
  • judged as unfair.
(http://www.emotionalcompetency.com/anger.htm)

If that doesn't speak to the experience of a BS I don't know what does!!!

The BS gets to be angry.
The WS has to tolerate the fact that the BS will experience the emotional response of anger.
The WS must be patient.
The BS must gradually work towards therapeutically alleviating the cause of their anger.  (this takes A LOT of time and is not a direct path.  There Will be 2 steps forward, one step back)  
________________
Male BS
D-Day 3.15.2017


Taking care of myself, as we all deserve to do.
Encouraging all to bolster their: Emotional Health, Physical Health and Spiritual Health
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BeginAgain
WS_bob,

I just read this article and thought about your post. Hope this will help in some way.

https://partnerhope.com/2018/08/validating-your-feelings/
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WS_bob
Thanks @BeginAgain that was a good read, I think my wife is doing all that and I understand that I have to just listen to her feelings, validate them  and do the same. I wish I had the same knowledge of how to deal with feelings, before I took them as the truth and went off to hurt the most important person in my life.

I will continue to be patient and validating, in the end it will be worth it.
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AnywhereButHere
 "I think I am struggling most with seeing when things are great then it's starting to go sideways and then landslide all in a matter of minutes."

One fact with me that I noticed was, ironically, how "things being great" was, itself, a trigger of sorts. In the wake of my wife's EA, when I seemed to have calmed down and we were getting along, really beginning to enjoy whatever was going on at the time, I would suddenly think, "Your marriage is in the toilet and your world has been turned upside down by what she did! Why on earth are you happy and enjoying yourself!?" and immediately the darkness and anger would envelop me.

I don't know that's what is happening to your wife - but it might be. Just something to keep in mind.
BH, 5+ Mo EA, DDay 3/8/18
"...regarding all as God after God."
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ABurris105
As a BS, I can tell you that the anger is real and def needs to be felt and gone through and dealt with.  I like Keep’s gasoline bucket analogy, but for me, i want to think my bucket does have a bottom... that is yet to be determined.  My husband has done a lot of work and we are so much better than we have ever been. I can tell you that the best things my husband has done is to 1) look at me and listen, listen, listen when i start to get angry (don’t talk and try to justify anything, don’t tell me “shh, it’s gonna be ok, just calm down,” etc, but just be quiet and actively listen  2) move toward me in a safe way that I deem ok (lean in to listen, don’t touch me if i say no,  hug me if i say yes)  3) truly apologize a lot (for specific things, without saying “but...” bc that is not a true apology) 4) realize that what is “past” in his mind is still VERY “present “ for me 5) be patient with me-i didn’t have the choice of being patient when he was doing what he did (he left and said he wasn’t coming back) —i had to wait until he came to his senses and then when he came back, that is when I allowed myself to be angry.  So he can be patient now, and trust me (even though I couldn’t trust him) that if I am still here and working on things, he can best believe that I need to work through this anger and he shouldn’t feel threatened by it —i had the chance to be done before,but i am still here now bc i want to be here ...and, perhaps most important 6) BE ACCOUNTABLE ... EVERY time something that happens to trigger me, I have a thought, sometimes fleeting, sometimes not, that this is “it”, that he hasn’t REALLY changed, and that everything we have been through has been for naught. BUT-every time he follows through-texts when he says he will, is on time, is where he says he is going to be, mentions things to me randomly without me having to ask (how much he loves me, how sorry he is, that he is so glad I am his, thanking me for being willing to love him and stay through all of this, that it should have never happened, that he was wrong and acting stupid and he should have done something before it got to that point, etc.), shows accountability for where he goes or his actions, shows TRUE remorse (and believe me, I can’t always describe it, but as his wife, I KNOW when he means it and is not just saying it to protect himself and avoid more pain)-every time he does that, it is like a drop of water in my healing bucket.  That being said, it is going to take a lot of time for that bucket to fill, but as we are both working on filling it and we see progress, that helps me move through the anger, diminishes it a little bit, and gives me hope for a brighter future.  The one thing that he isn’t the greatest at doing, but is working on is him taking the initiative to ask me how I am in dealing with the adultery, if i have any questions, etc.  That would speak volumes to me that he is taking responsibility for it and taking initiative for helping me heal.  I think he doesn’t mention it bc he doesn’t want to rock the boat if things seem to be going great.  But as others have mentioned, even when they are going great, there is always the not great present.  If he were to take initiative and check in with me, that would mean so much to me and show his maturity and instead of me blowing up and getting angry (as he fears and expects), it would help me grow bc I would feel he is moving toward me and is concerned about me and my feelings and not trying to avoid them and just hope they would go away.  Him approaching things with solely his concern for me in mind is extremely healing to me.  Hang in there; it is a long road.  Hope this helps some. Thanks also to everyone on here and the great advice given.  So glad the forum isn’t going away!
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