SKM0619
Hello,

I've been married to my husband for 10 years (sadly our 10th anniversary was the 19th of this month). My Dday was November 23, 2015. It was not something that was told to me but found out after much digging on my part (cell phone record, email). I had previously asked him on multiple occasions if he was having an affair and he denied it. We were in counseling as he had become distant, spending more time away from the home and not really showing much affection...which was unusual for him. He even denied the affair while we were in counseling.

He states that he only had sex with the AP once, but they continued an emotional affair for a total of 3 years which included texting, calling and emailing multiple times a day. The AP is also married and my understanding if that her spouse does not know about the affair. I have spoke to her on the day I found out, and she of course denies it ever happened.

On dday I kicked my husband out of the house and he has been out since. We have had sporadic contact and there has been no effort on his part to try and reconcile. He says he has not spoken to or had any contact with the AP since dday. I made him call his parents to tell them because I knew he wouldn't. He didn't want to tell any of his friends for fear of being judged, and to this day there are multiple friends who are unaware of the situation.

Initially he wouldn't answer phone calls or texts which was very difficult. He later did the typical come around the house to help me do certain things in the beginning because he felt guilty, but that has since stopped. He used to help me out with our 2 dogs but that has also stopped.

He has mentioned several times he wanted a divorce but would never file papers. I do not want a divorce and have expressed that to him. There has been ALOT of rage, crying, screaming, name calling on my part. He has said sorry on numerous occasions but has not shown remorse or made any attempt to get the help he really needs to deal with his actions. I have been in counseling since finding out. I acknowledge that I could have made better choices in my marriage, and that likely contributed to him seeking out what he needed elsewhere. BUT....I do not take responsibility for his cheating at all!!! That was his choice.

About 6 weeks ago I told him I would be moving forward with the divorce, but he asked me to hold off on that so I did. I waited almost another month and still no initiation of contact on his part. I asked him again what he wanted and he said he didn't know. I asked him to please either try and make this work or please let me go so that I can move on. His exact words to me were "I'm willing to risk losing you" and for me that was enough to say he was done and didn't want to make any effort.

I have since met with the lawyer and have filed papers. This is an uncontested divorce as we do not have children. He has said he will not ask for any money (house, savings, 401K etc). It is a process different from a regular divorce in that I am doing most of the work. I have filed the papers at the courthouse and delivered to him a waiver which he has to sign and then return to me and then the final decree will be drafted and I will then have to get that to him for him to sign and then that will be filed. 

it has been 3 week since I took those first set of papers to him to sign and he has not signed them yet. This is very confusing to me as he has said he is "willing to risk losing me" and I took that to me he wanted a divorce.

I am the one who initiates any form of contact. He does respond to texts or phone calls, but like I said he does not call or text me first. 

It has only been 6 months since dday and I feel not enough time as passed for either of us in regard to trying to work on the relationship. And I feel that after only 6 months how do you really know you want a divorce. I told him I regretted filing and that I do not want the divorce and it was more of a reaction to him not reacting (which I know is immature) but feel I don't have any other choices. I can't want this marriage enough for both of us. He says that he hopes one day he can answer all my questions and give me the answers that I deserve. And, that he hopes one day we can be friends.

I am so lost and do not know what to do.  I think that by me continuing to make contact with him is not the wrong thing to do. I am considering not initiating any further contact with him at all, and if he miraculously does contact me I will not respond. I guess this is the "no contact" thing I have been reading about. I know this will be very hard to do but maybe it is for the best at this point.

I am a work in progress and am doing what I can to make myself better during this difficult time.

I need some advice [smile]

Thanks......





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TimT
SKM0619 wrote:
...It has only been 6 months since dday and I feel not enough time as passed for either of us in regard to trying to work on the relationship. And I feel that after only 6 months how do you really know you want a divorce. I told him I regretted filing and that I do not want the divorce and it was more of a reaction to him not reacting (which I know is immature) but feel I don't have any other choices. I can't want this marriage enough for both of us. He says that he hopes one day he can answer all my questions and give me the answers that I deserve. And, that he hopes one day we can be friends.

I am so lost and do not know what to do.  I think that by me continuing to make contact with him is not the wrong thing to do. I am considering not initiating any further contact with him at all, and if he miraculously does contact me I will not respond. I guess this is the "no contact" thing I have been reading about. I know this will be very hard to do but maybe it is for the best at this point...

In regards to whether or not 6 months is enough time: that's really a personal choice. The moment you knew that he had been unfaithful, you had every right to separate yourself and never look back. I do not fault any spouse who makes that choice. They are cutting losses and avoiding a difficult process of recovery that has no guaranteed outcome.

But some make a choice to wait months (even years, sometimes) to see if there is a change. They believe too much has been invested in the relationship and don't want to quickly let it go. They are willing to take a chance in the hope for restoration, especially if children are involved.

As a counselor, I want to encourage betrayed spouses to stay for the right reasons. This choice shouldn't be primarily motivated by fear or need. If either of those are true, then the waiting spouse will not be in control of their choices but be constantly reacting to the present whims of the wayward spouse, which may be shifting often.

The choice to stay should be grounded in your intent to move forward in ways that are healthy for YOU while you wait to see what your spouse's outcome will be. In my opinion, you shouldn't wait forever. Many would argue that 6 months is more than enough time for your husband to start moving in a single direction. The longer he remains in indecision, the less likely you will have confidence/trust in whatever he eventually decides. In fact, he may still be holding on to the affair in ways you don't even know. Your marriage is his safety net. He may fall back to you only when the affair is finally faltering.

Not wanting to divorce you is not the same thing as wanting to love you.

To heal from betrayal, you need confidence that your husband's heart has shifted out of the fog and back to a longing for his marriage, for you. Unfortunately, the scenario you've described is very common: a spouse leaves a marriage but refuses to actively participate in the divorce. There may be many reasons for this: avoiding shame, financial concerns, adding on to stress, strategic delays to gain leverage in litigation, not wanting to lose their safety net, the influence of the affair partner, etc. I've watched unfaithful spouses avoid involvement in the divorce for years.

Do what you need to do without him. I doubt you'll get anything satisfying from him soon. If you choose to wait, stop trying to convince or change him and just focus on doing those things that let you heal and grow. If you choose to continue pursuing divorce, then do whatever is necessary to move ahead without his cooperation. Don't allow him to stay in control.
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SKM0619
Thanks for the reply, I appreciate it.

"Not wanting to divorce you is not the same thing as wanting to love you" 

I needed to read that statement for sure. I have been thinking that maybe he did still love me and that's why he hasn't signed the papers, but I can say that he definitely loves himself more then he loves me. He continues to prove that on a daily basis.

I have given him control and I need to find ways of letting that go as difficult as it will be.
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