smorrow
Hello everyone. I am so sad that we all are in this position that we need a support group for this but i am sure glad to have found this resource as it has helped me to cope. Right now my wh and i are just shy of 4 mos from dd. He dropped the affair partner after discovery and we have been workimg on reconciliation since. It has been very rollercoaster like. As of right now the only contact he has with his ap is through a band that they are in together. They have not actively played or practiced in over a month and after their last gig in Oct i told him he needed to quit or i was leaving him. Well it has been 4.5 weeks since then and he still has not quit. He admits that he doesn't want to quit but he knows that he needs to if he wants to stay married. Im pissed though because although they are not actively playing he still has not told them and it is really stopping me from getting to forgiveness and re establishing trust. Any suggestions?
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surviving
smorrow - this is instant replay of the movie "The Song."  I don't suggest you watch it because it will break your heart.  However, boundaries are necessary for you to move on.  You can't change him, or make him do anything.  The ball is now in his court.  It is his decision.  If he wants your marriage to work, he will have to make some changes.  I truly am sorry you are here.  I am sorry we are all here. 
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smorrow
Surviving- thank you. I looked up the synopsis for that movie and you are right I will NOT be watching that! I agree I have to put up boundaries. I am so angry at myself for not having the ability to follow through with my boundaries... I told him on Sunday that if he didnt quit he needed to move out. Of course I panicked and he is still at home... 
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flight
Any movement on his part? I know it is easy for us to say when you have to move through conflicting emotions to actually implement it, but you have to set that boundary and be willing to do whatever it takes to enforce it. Maybe you could write it down on paper and sign it and cement it in your mind. Your talk to yourself (and him) probably should be, "I will not be in an open marriage. I am willing to work on us repairing the damage this affair has done, and whatever other issues you or I have brought to the relationship to have a marriage even stronger than before. But in order to do that, I need assurances that there will be no contact whatsoever with her from this point foward, starting with you or her quitting the band. If you can't do that by tomorrow, you clearly are not comitted to the marriage and I will need to file for a legal separation."

This is not controlling or a demand. You are enforcing a boundary. A marriage is two people, you and him. If there is a third party involved, you will bow out and leave him free to pursue his choices while you pursue yours. And you can't bluff, you have to know this is what you need to do and will do.
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smorrow
flight-
He is quitting today. Our marriage counselor suggested to me that I have him come up with the quit date so he picked Nov 15th. The deal is he quits by Sunday or he moves out. It sucks that it has come to this. That I had to make him quit, that he did not just do it because it was the right thing to do. My heart is growing colder each day... It just doesn't feel right. 

Thanks for checking in. 
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