Ambertrichs
I dont know what to do.
After discovering her affairs, she left. Attempting to reconcile but everything has gone wrong. She's broken promises. She's lied to my face. She's done everything a WA shouldn't do.
I am not innocent. I have gotten over the top angry. I've called her names. Just about everything a BS shouldn't do.
Try counseling? She has decided that individual counseling should be 1st. She made an appt and she didnt go. I dont know that I want to spend $ on another counselor. 
If I ask her to move out, she has no where to go except her moms which is a few states away.
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Keepabuzz

Ambertrichs wrote:
I dont know what to do.
After discovering her affairs, she left. Attempting to reconcile but everything has gone wrong. She's broken promises. She's lied to my face. She's done everything a WA shouldn't do.
I am not innocent. I have gotten over the top angry. I've called her names. Just about everything a BS shouldn't do.
Try counseling? She has decided that individual counseling should be 1st. She made an appt and she didnt go. I dont know that I want to spend $ on another counselor. 
If I ask her to move out, she has no where to go except her moms which is a few states away.


Why do you think you are “not innocent” because you “have gotten over the top angry, and called her names”. There is not one thing wrong with that reaction after finding out your wife has betrayed you, and in your case with more than one person. I got blind rage, scream and spitting in wife’s face angry on d-day, and many, many days after d-day. I call her every name in the book, and made up a few new ones. I didn’t feel bad about it then, and don’t now, more than 4 years later. I didn’t say one thing that wasn’t true. When I screamed “you’re nothing but worthless cheating wh*re” literally an inch from her face, I meant it. Did it hurt her, I’m sure it did. But I didn’t care. It was the truth. Nothing you have said to her due to her betrayal should you feel guilty about, in my opinion. 


Why are you trying to reconcile, if she continues to lie to your face? A WS does NOT deserve a second chance. The BS can choose to give them one, but they deserve nothing but to see the BS walk away to their new life without them.  Do you have children?  In my mind unless there is a really, REALLY compelling reason to stay, like children, the default choice should be to drop the WS like a bad habit. But even if you choose not to, and give her that second chance, it sounds like with her continued deception, you’re giving her chances 3, 4, 5, 6, etc. If she is not 100% in on reconciliation, it will never work. The WS has the overwhelming majority of work to do in reconciliation. The BS’s focus is healing. The WS focus is also the BS’s healing, figuring out what is wrong or broken in themselves that would have allowed them to commit these terrible acts, and fix it, repairing (as best they can) all the damage done to other people due to their actions.  All the while doing this with 100% transparency and 100% honesty. It certainly doesn’t seem like your wife is interested in that. The end of any and all deception and lies is the price of admission to reconciliation, without it, your not reconciling, you’re just continuing the pain and abuse of the BS. It’s cruel. 

Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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ThrivenotSurvive
Keep said it all.  Reconciliation is a two person job.  There is no chance for it to be successful until both parties are actively working towards it - and no contact with the AP and 100% honesty are the cornerstones.  Until you have that, you should move to the 180 and start building a life without her.  If she pulls her head out of her **s at some point in the future - you can decide what that means to you at that time.  But for now you need to focus on self- preservation and self-care.  Remove yourself from the situation to the best of your ability, set firm boundaries and start doing working on YOU.  This blows even the most self-assured, self-confident person’s feelings of value to bits.  Work to rebuild it in HEALTHY ways that support who you are and who you aspire to be.  That is where your power is now.  Don’t try to control her or woo her.  Focus on rebuilding YOU.  
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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hurting
I’m sorry you’re here...

what the others have said is exactly right. I know it’s incredibly scary to suddenly realise your life and your future as you knew it is gone. You have suddenly lost everything and it is very hard to grasp what or why such a thing has happened. As such we may try to ‘save’ Whatever we can... 

It’s important to realise that there is no way to ‘save’ your marriage to bring it back to what it was. Your WS is unfortunately seeing to that. Although you may have been the best spouse in the world, your WS has decided to step outside of the marriage for reasons and justifications only she will know (which will probably be absolute garbage, but they matter to her).

 Please see that you are absolutely NOT at fault here. It doesn’t matter what or how many names you called her on d-day. That did NOT cause her to cheat- she was already cheating. You just called her as she is choosing to behave. There is no list of things a ‘BS shouldn’t do’. You do what is right for you. Her continuing to lie is NOT because you screamed in agony on knowing she had ripped your heart out. It’s because she is unfortunately not the person you thought she was. She is a selfish coward. Breaking promises even now is another sign that she continues to put herself first...

My WS too lied and gave me trickle truth. Was that ok? No. Every time I found something new, it would set me back 100x. I would walk out and leave. It almost destroyed me. He tried to keep promises but he would sometimes slip up. None of this was ok. I was mad with grief and pain. I screamed like Keep did. I called him every name in the book. I would get right into his face and scream how worthless he was. Was his lying my fault? NO. He chose to cheat then lie. None of that is on me. Every single bit of it was HIS choice. His failing. Despite my WS taking some time to get his head out of his ass, he tried. We went to counselling, he also did IC... we have slowly improved. 

I’m telling you this to put it into perspective. A WS may want to change, but complete change overnight with no slip ups is highly unlikely. Having said that, a person actually needs to be TRYING to change in order to get anywhere. This is on them. Change is hard... and only THEY can decide if they want to and if they have the determination to stick with it. No amount of us wanting, hoping, demanding it of them will make it happen. 

It took me a long time to learn, but once I started to focus more on myself, it helped. Tbh I’m still not 100% there... because loss of control scares me and I don’t trust it or him fully. What I did eventually realise, is that I am worth more than this. I will not let myself be treated like this again. I do not want to be in a marriage where my WS does not help keep me safe. If any of this (including lying and breaking promises) should happen again, I’m out. My priority nowadays is to look after myself first. To keep ME safe. Not to save a marriage at any cost. 

It isn’t easy to let go when you have been so invested in a relationship... but you will have to if you’re the only one holding on and trying to keep it together. She must be willing to try in order to save this. Not just through empty promises either (as I screamed many times at my WS, their words are worthless). A WS needs to show they are truly trying before the thought of reconciliation should even be entertained. Otherwise they will just continue to take from you. You will continue to pay the price of their betrayal. At some point, it does become enabling...

Bring your focus back to you. Seperate yourself from your marriage. What do YOU need? Look after yourself. Try to eat, try to spend time with people who will support you. Self care is so hard in this situation, but is so important. 
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Misericordia

So sorry for what you are going through. Do you have children? 

I agree that the focus now should be on self- care. Put your own oxygen mask on. Eat nutritious food, get out into nature, excercise; meditation or other spiritual or mindfulness practice is also helpful. Having a counselor or one or two wise, trustworthy confidants can help immensely, for venting and perspective. Before acting or speaking, take some deep abdominal breaths to control your state. 

You cannot control another, you can just do the best you can with integrity. 

If a reconciliation is your ultimate goal, know that taking care of yourself, managing your state and being able to be happy or at least content on your own will make you more attractive. 

You are not alone, and will probably be amazed at the sources of strength within you.

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Ambertrichs
I had so much trouble reading these replies. Made me emotional. 
I haven't been taking care of myself. Too focused on her. 
But I reread these comments a few times and I want to say thanks for taking the time to help me. A big THANKS.
I'm still feel scared although I cant exactly pinpoint the reason why. I've been doing more for myself but feel hollow. 
I started therapy online due to coronavirus, I couldnt find a therapist for in person. How long til it starts to help, I find myself thinking. 
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