MishaDS
I found out about my husbands affair in June.  He is a teacher.  The other person works in a different department, but is a teacher also in the building.  At first, I thought it would be best for him to remain there and not "run away" from the situation.  Now, I feel my stress level go up every time I know there is a building wide meeting that I know they are going to be see each other in.  He swears that nothing physical happened and that it had only been going on for 2 months.  The real punch to me was that not only do they work together, she lives 5 minutes from our house.  I have never personally met her in the 9 years they have worked together.   
I basically found emails from them at the beginning of summer.  I was becoming suspicious b/c he was on the internet more than usual and seemed to be more interested in his wardrobe/working out (all the obvious signs), not coming up to eat with us as a family (which was always priority to him), not playing with the kids as much/etc.  One night I went on the computer and saw the interactions b/w them.  What I saw was definitely crossing the line.  Subtle messages seemed to be where they were at.  Things like, "Did you drive past me while I was running this morning b/c someone did who drove your car and looked like you."  To his response of , "No, unfortunately for me.  So your seeing me everywhere now?  I must not be that  special then."  To which she responded, "There may be a reason I am seeing you everywhere."  I was sick to my stomach.  When I confronted him, he initially defended himself by saying that I don't let him talk to anyone and that's why he didn't tell me about her.  That they just talked about work and it was nothing.  He later confessed that they had started talking about work initially, but that she stroked his ego by telling him how much she admired his hard work and how "honorable" he was.  He said he liked the attention and that he felt desired, but that he never once thought about leaving me for her.  That they never discussed anything like that.  They were both married with both having 3 children.  He told me that he thought he was in control of the situation b/c he told her that he liked to talk to her, but he didn't want her to get the wrong idea b/c he was happy in his marriage.  She agreed.  The talk continued to how they were the most professional in the building, which they would later email each other throughout the day with comments like, "I see the English department is setting the standard today."  Things like that.  He swears nothing more was ever said other than that. Throughout their talks, she made a comment one time about how her Dad would like him after a discussion took place about why he got into teaching .  He told me that he said to her, "Well that's never going to happen, so there is no need to talk about that.  I am happy in my marriage and we have 6 kids to think about."  I thought this was an odd response if he didn't think anything was going on, but he says he just said it again to make sure she knew.  I just didn't get the "we have 6 kids to think about" comment.  Toward the end of the school year, he told me he sent her an email saying, "I just want you to know that I don't want to be talking over the summer.  I've gotten used to talking to you, but we shouldn't be talking at all.  I don't want to hurt my wife, my children, or anybody."  She responded with, "I can't believe you wrote that in email".  He said, "Well I did."  He can't remember how they continued talking.  I find it odd that they had that exchange, but he can't remember anything else really coming up after that.  He says he thinks they just started casually talking again.  I just think saying, "I don't want to hurt my wife/etc." seems like a strange thing to say to someone if you didn't think you were doing anything wrong.  He says he said it b/c he didn't think he should be talking to her at all (especially since they were doing it in secret) and that was the only reason.  For the next 2 weeks, he admits that he would "taunt" her by saying, "just think, pretty soon you are not going to be talking to me anymore."  And she would reply, "I don't even want to talk about that."  On the last day of school, he did admit she came down to his room, but nothing happened.  That he was getting ready to walk out the door and she basically said "oh you're leaving already" and he said yes. Later he got an email from her stating "I found myself crying today."  He says he said, "It's never good to cry".  She then called him that Saturday, (school ended on Wednesday) while I was away with our oldest daughter for the morning/afternoon and he was home watching our other kids.  They talked for an hour and a half.  That seemed to be the first "personal" phone call to his cell phone that she made.  I haven't seen anything on our records seeing him calling her ever.  The next day, we spent the afternoon at soccer games, but he came home and sent the "No unfortunately for me" email to her email about whether he drove past her earlier that day.  I found these email exchanges later that same night while he was asleep downstairs.  After he sent that email to her, she sent multiple messages saying things like, "There may a reason I'm seeing you everywhere,"  "There is something I forgot to say in my message:  I'm not a fan of summer...at all." Etc.  I didn't say anything at first.  I waited to see what he would do in the morning.  He did the usual;  went downstairs with the computer.  He came up quicker than normal.  I asked him if he checked his work email.  He said no.  I proceeded to pull up the email to see all the responses deleted.  I put the computer in front of him and said, "now do you want to tell me if you checked your email?"  He told me that he sent her an email that morning (coincidently in my mind) that said, "I don't want you ever talking to me again.  Don't even respond."  He said he got wrapped up in it and didn't know how to get out.  That the only reason he talked to her was b/c he wanted his ego stroked and was so wrapped up in work at the time that that is all he ever wanted to talk about.  That he figured I was annoyed about him constantly talking about work, so he figured he would use her for that instead of talking to me (which he obviously admits was the wrong way to look at it).  He said he never wanted to leave me and that nothing physical ever happened.  Well, recently he admitted (6 months later) that she did come down to his room to talk after work 1 or 2 times a week, and that they would leave each other voicemails on their work phones for each other a few times a week.  These were things that he previously said they didn't do.  He said she would leave him voicemails, but that he didn't.  He swears they were always just complaining about work.  That he was so negative at the time and she just fed into it with him.  Now I feel like it all came back after admitting that he lied about details.  They seem like such insignificant things to lie about, so how can I believe that he would tell me something serious?  I am at a loss.  And they still work together.  He says he has had no contact with her since he sent that email, that she has not even tried to contact him.  He did say something to his boss about it over the summer in case she tried talking to him at some point, and supposedly his boss said something to her, so maybe that helped bring it into reality for her and that's why she hasn't tried contacting him, but I just don't know what to believe.  My husband is not a serial cheater.  Everyone who found out about what has been going on can't believe that this happened.  One therapist said it sounded like he had a mid life crisis.  He swears he didn't have any feelings for her, that he didn't even find her attractive,  but I just don't know how he did/said the things he did, but didn't feel anything.  I admit I never saw anything really emotional.  It seems like immature flirting, but it doesn't make it any easier... especially when I keep finding out little details 6 months later.  How do you trust again?  How can I believe anything that he says.  He has been a model husband/father now, but....I just don't know.  Would appreciate some helpful words! 
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TimT
MishaDS wrote:
...
He swears he didn't have any feelings for her, that he didn't even find her attractive,  but I just don't know how he did/said the things he did, but didn't feel anything.  I admit I never saw anything really emotional.  It seems like immature flirting, but it doesn't make it any easier... especially when I keep finding out little details 6 months later.  How do you trust again?  How can I believe anything that he says.  He has been a model husband/father now, but....I just don't know.  Would appreciate some helpful words! 

I want to say a lot, but I don't think it would fair for anyone to judge his actions (or even his motives) from a distance. However, I would tell you to give fair attention to your suspicions about this. Even if nothing more happened between them, I suspect he was struggling with that relationship more than he has admitted. He should be honest about this for his own sake AND for your sake.

Your trust moving forward will have more to do with his ongoing commitment to current honesty AND making you feel secure in the relationship. It will take time...

Let him know you're willing to forgive (if that's true) and move to strengthen your marriage, but you need to know he will trust you with the truth. Give him time to consider and then have an honest conversation about what happened. A good counselor will help with that.
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amys
I'm recently divorced, two months now. Yesterday was the day I met my husband, 25 years ago. We had met at work, fell fast and got married later that year.

I was in love, still am. My husband and I have three wonderful boys, who I know we both love. We have been through so many trials in our marriage. Medically, financial, juvenile detention and his emotional affair. We've been able to get through them all, except the EA.

About 12 years ago, my ex had a horrible accident that nearly killed him. He was on OxyContin for 10 years and is off them now. He has been diagnosed with depression and now drinks heavily.

He asked me to remarry him in July 2014 in front of a huge audience. On our 23rd wedding anniversary he told me to let him go or change. I had hormonal issues and had surgery in November 2014, which saved my life. My weight was dropping, I felt the feelings of love coming back, and I was just feeling good about life again.

On Christmas he told me he wanted a divorce and by New Years he had filed. Turns out he was having an EA with the HR Manager at his work. I fought like hell to save my marriage.

During the course of last year, when I finally agreed to the divorce he changed his mind. First time (Feb), he said he felt like he was killing something. He came back. Second time (May), he said he prayed and knew where he belonged. Third time, (Aug), I was getting ready to move with our youngest and only child left at home. I was packing, cancelled my portion of a trip we had planned. He begged me to stay. Said he saw a future with me. I stayed. Each time he quit talking to the OW, but couldn't get her off his mind.

November came and he said he couldn't be with me, but couldn't be without me. We had our last holidays and 24th wedding anniversary. I gave him a card, telling him I love him. He bought me flowers and said I deserved them more this year than any other, and we'd be ok.

He told me the OW was not a nice person and it was over. We went to mediation and he told them he loved me, we got along great, rarely fought and if he was locked in a cabin for a year he'd want to be with me. He doesn't get along with most people, but his close family. They asked if he still wanted the divorce, he said yes.

Our divorce was final at the end of January. He waited one month and now is dating the HR Manager. He wants our boys to meet her, the youngest who lives with, will not. I haven't seen him, talked to him or texted him but a few times.

He has told me he's not sure he's made the right choice, will never find anyone as good as me and will most likely be back. I know in my heart, we belong together, but I also know he's made the choice, HER. I pray he figures it out, I pray he comes home. Maybe I'm stupid, but I do love him.

I also know, I need to move on. Get me healthy again. My question is, will it last with her, or will he see his poor choice and eventually come home?
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Kalmarjan
I am sorry to hear of your situation, it sounds terrible all around.

It sounds like your husband already regrets his choice, but is resigned to his fate. As for how long it will last? It's up to them, and out of your hands. I know you love him, but he has made his choice.

It doesn't mean that it is forever. He has already given you signs that he still wants to be with you and not her. I imagine that he is going through a mini version of hell. 

But, as of right now, that's not your problem. You could leave the door open for him by telling him what you need to go forward with him (like no AP, commitment, marriage counselling, etc.) but it's best you start moving on and working on yourself. My wife was in much the same situation as you, and she moved on. I am with her today because I realized that the one that I truly wanted to be with was okay without me. I didn't want to be with my AP, locked in that cabin, as it were, I wanted to be with my wife, and it was worth it to fight for our relationship.

No one can tell what will happen with your husband and his AP. For your sake though, work on you. You matter here too. 
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amys
Thank you for you input.  I believe after what I heard last night, he will not be coming home.  He truly believes she is the one, and is letting on she is a serious part of his life. 

I think of everything he walked away from, family, kids, true honest love.  For what?  I guess I will never know, I found out his mother cheated on her husband, with her second husband and they were happy and married for over 25 years, and now she is married to number three  His dad has been married four times, and his brother divorced and is with a girl, 19 or so years younger than he is.

He has had great role models, so all he knows how to do is quit.  He gave up on us, our love.  This OW is his HR Manager, and all I want to do is call their work, expose their affair, but I won't because that is not who I am.  I will do my best to pick myself up and move on. 

I am left with heartbreak, the loss of my partner, broken dreams and promises.  I do however, have the chance now, to find someone who will truly love me for me.  He is left with the heartache he caused, the loss of a partner who truly loved him for his good qualities and bad.  He is left with the destruction of a family, and most of all a cheat, just like him.
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Searching4
This is for MishaDS, the original poster.

If your H is indeed telling the truth, in that this affair was emotional and hadn't yet evolved (or should I say devolved) into a physical one, then I believe you have a chance to end it before another line is crossed.

An emotional relationship between your spouse and a third party can be every bit as devastating as a sexual one, but I personally think that once the physical boundary is crossed, the chances of saving the marriage are less.

I heard so many of the same things your husband told you. I was "too busy looking after our children". I "never seemed available to talk". She on the other hand was "attentive, available, complimentary". She "was able to talk about work-related issues". They "enjoyed talking to each other, but it was innocent". He "thought he could handle it"

My husband told me, after discovery, that the 'emotional' connection (talking after work, and later going out for drinks) continued for about two years before the relationship became physical. Then he told me that after their first sexual encounter, sex was sporadic and 'one-sided' (if you know what I mean) for another two or three years before they began meeting regularly at hotels.

Three years after dday, believing we were reconciling with the whole truth out, he happened to mention in a conversation, that the two of them had gone to a certain hotel. The location of the hotel meant that the affair became physical at least four years earlier than he had led me to believe. In fact, it had become physical within the first year.

I'm not trying to scare you, but I want you to know that often, the person you love and trust the most can lie to you and minimize to protect themselves. They can continue to lie even if they say they want to make a marriage work. Telling the whole truth is very scary. Sometimes they don't even want to admit it to themselves.

It is perfectly possible that your H's flirtation with danger was just that, and is over, but the best way for you to be sure of that is to TELL the other Betrayed Spouse. He needs to know the truth also. It is terribly unfair to withhold facts about his life that could have bearing on future decisions. It will also give the OW a wake-up call. Secret flirting isn't so much fun if it isn't a secret anymore.

Many may disagree with me, but I would suggest that you gather up your copies of those emails and give the poor man a call. You will not be causing him this hurt. His wife did that. You are only making him aware of it. Most likely he feels something is very wrong already. Him being aware of the situation will help to lessen any worries about the two of them resuming anything. Do not discuss this one with your husband first. He will tell you that their relationship is their business. Nothing happened anyway. Don't bring trouble to that family. Too late. Your H has already interfered in their marriage.

The other thing your husband needs to do is to give you a letter, of which you approve, to mail to the AP. It should be brief, void of any emotions, but just a statement that his marriage and family is most important to him and that he will never jeopardize that again by foolish behaviour. He must be clear that there is to be no more contact between them unless absolutely necessary and concerning their professions.

I so wish I had been able to do these things many, many years ago.
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amys
I don't plan on him coming back, and I have decided that unless he makes the effort to tell me the truth and the whole story, I will not be talking to him at all.  I love him, but I cannot deal with the lies.

I would love to tell her spouse, but she doe not have one.  She has been divorced since 2010.  I however, would love to inform their work, but at this point, I am not sure if it would help.  Yes, she was there for him, listening, telling him if he wasn't happy, then he should leave. 

He is starting to introduce her to the family, and really wants our children to accept her, so he can go onto the next step of their relationship. My youngest son, who is 18 now, does not want anything to do with her.  He is an adult, and it is up to him. 

It seems like the stronger I get, and the less control he has over me, he has his family spying for him.  They are always wanting to know what I'm doing, how I'm doing and if I'm seeing anyone.  I have told them nothing in detail.  He told me to move on, but I really don't think he wants me to, just in case it doesn't work with her.  He knows me, he knows I will forgive him and take him back, at least the old me.  Right now, I am not so sure.

He left me for her, and he gets to be with her, a cheater.  I get the chance to find someone that will love me for me. 
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Sandy2000
What a load of heartache he's put you through.  Please just don't allow him to come in and out of your life like that, it will send you on a very downward spiral.

As you don't have very young children, you an spend time on yourself and rediscover or begin to find new things to do with your time.  When you are bored at home, it leaves a lot of time to think about your XH, but if you even do things like going for walks, or sign up to an interesting evening class or anything really - then you'll feel you are doing something worthwhile.

Never let it be seen that you are sitting down waiting for him to come back to you.  Don't allow him to drop round and have sex with you, or you will become the OW.

I doubt it was purely an emotional affair.  they worked close enough to take it physical with nothing to stop them.  The instances I've heard of men leaving a marriage based on an EA are very few.  The physical aspect was likely the addiction of the affair.

I would have certainly outed the A well before you guys got to divorce.  As someone who works in HR myself, I find her behaviour disgusting and had you outed her to the HR Director or other senior managers within the company, it would have likely put a stop to it.  Being the gatekeepers of polices and procedures, HR staff are meant to behave with integrity.  Had you posted way back then, I could have certainly assisted in formulating something to the company with certain keywords that I can assure you would not have gone down well in the company.

Who would want to seek advice from a HR manager, who has shown such behaviour. She'd have either resigned or stopped the affair.

I'm very sorry that a fellow HR manager has participated in this.  It makes me mad.
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amys
I really wish I had said something before the divorce, I don't know if I did now if it would matter. I do have pictures of texts, and I have the phone records.

I don't plan on seeing him unless it has something to do with the boys. We do have a graduation and a wedding this year.

He has hurt me so much, but he says she's the one. I believe in karma, and it's just a matter of time. I on the other hand, have been hit on twice in one week. So I believe I'll be just fine. I have wonderful boys who love me and will watch out for me.

My XH, on the other hand has his cheater and she has him.
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UrbanExplorer
I would not mess with someone's career unless you truly believe the affair had an impact on the workplace/company. Not just for revenge, that is.
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amys
You are right.  I am not a revengeful person.  I am a loving person, who adores her husband, even though we are no longer married.  I will always wonder what could have been, the romantic nights, the dates, the holidays, the meals I loved to cook, the grandkids (when they come), ect....

I do hope one day he realizes what he just threw away.  I know in my heart, I would take him back, but there is a lot of work on his end that would need to be done.

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