MishaDS
I found out about my husbands affair in June.  He is a teacher.  The other person works in a different department, but is a teacher also in the building.  At first, I thought it would be best for him to remain there and not "run away" from the situation.  Now, I feel my stress level go up every time I know there is a building wide meeting that I know they are going to be see each other in.  He swears that nothing physical happened and that it had only been going on for 2 months.  The real punch to me was that not only do they work together, she lives 5 minutes from our house.  I have never personally met her in the 9 years they have worked together.   
I basically found emails from them at the beginning of summer.  I was becoming suspicious b/c he was on the internet more than usual and seemed to be more interested in his wardrobe/working out (all the obvious signs), not coming up to eat with us as a family (which was always priority to him), not playing with the kids as much/etc.  One night I went on the computer and saw the interactions b/w them.  What I saw was definitely crossing the line.  Subtle messages seemed to be where they were at.  Things like, "Did you drive past me while I was running this morning b/c someone did who drove your car and looked like you."  To his response of , "No, unfortunately for me.  So your seeing me everywhere now?  I must not be that  special then."  I was sick to my stomach.  When I confronted him, he initially defended himself by saying that I don't let him talk to anyone and that's why he didn't tell me about her.  That they just talked about work and it was nothing.  He later confessed that they had started talking about work initially, but that she stroked his ego by telling him how much she admired his hard work and how "honorable" he was.  He said he liked the attention and that he felt desired, but that he never once thought about leaving me for her.  That they never discussed anything like that.  They were both married with both having 3 children.  He told me that he thought he was in control of the situation b/c he told her that he liked to talk to her, but he didn't want her to get the wrong idea b/c he was happy in his marriage.  She agreed.  The talk continued to how they were the most professional in the building, which they would later email each other throughout the day with comments like, "I see the English department is setting the standard today."  Things like that.  He swears nothing more was ever said other than that. Throughout their talks, she made a comment one time about how her Dad would like him after a discussion took place about why he got into teaching .  He told me that he said to her, "Well that's never going to happen, so there is no need to talk about that.  I am happy in my marriage and we have 6 kids to think about."  I thought this was an odd response if he didn't think anything was going on, but he says he just said it again to make sure she knew.  I just didn't get the "we have 6 kids to think about" comment.  Toward the end of the school year, he told me he sent her an email saying, "I just want you to know that I don't want to be talking over the summer.  I've gotten used to talking to you, but we shouldn't be talking at all.  I don't want to hurt my wife, my children, or anybody."  She responded with, "I can't believe you wrote that in email".  He said, "Well I did."  He can't remember how they continued talking.  I find it odd that they had that exchange, but he can't remember anything else really coming up after that.  He says he thinks they just started casually talking again.  I just think saying, "I don't want to hurt my wife/etc." seems like a strange thing to say to someone if you didn't think you were doing anything wrong.  He says he said it b/c he didn't think he should be talking to her at all (especially since they were doing it in secret) and that was the only reason.  For the next 2 weeks, he admits that he would "taunt" her by saying, "just think, pretty soon you are not going to be talking to me anymore."  And she would reply, "I don't even want to talk about that."  On the last day of school, he did admit she came down to his room, but nothing happened.  That he was getting ready to walk out the door and she basically said "oh you're leaving already" and he said yes. Later he got an email from her stating "I found myself crying today."  He says he said, "It's never good to cry".  She then called him that Saturday, (school ended on Wednesday) while I was away with our oldest daughter for the morning/afternoon and he was home watching our other kids.  They talked for an hour and a half.  That seemed to be the first "personal" phone call to his cell phone that she made.  I haven't seen anything on our records seeing him calling her ever.  The next day, we spent the afternoon at soccer games, but he came home and sent the "No unfortunately for me" email to her email about whether he drove past her earlier that day.  I found these email exchanges later that same night while he was asleep downstairs.  After he sent that email to her, she sent multiple messages saying things like, "There may a reason I'm seeing you everywhere,"  "There is something I forgot to say in my message:  I'm not a fan of summer...at all." Etc.  I didn't say anything at first.  I waited to see what he would do in the morning.  He did the usual;  went downstairs with the computer.  He came up quicker than normal.  I asked him if he checked his work email.  He said no.  I proceeded to pull up the email to see all the responses deleted.  I put the computer in front of him and said, "now do you want to tell me if you checked your email?"  He told me that he sent her an email that morning (coincidently in my mind) that said, "I don't want you ever talking to me again.  Don't even respond."  He said he got wrapped up in it and didn't know how to get out.  That the only reason he talked to her was b/c he wanted his ego stroked and was so wrapped up in work at the time that that is all he ever wanted to talk about.  That he knew I was getting annoyed about him constantly talking about work, so he figured he would use her for that instead of talking to me (which he obviously admits was the wrong way to look at it).  He said he never wanted to leave me and that nothing physical ever happened.  Well, recently he admitted (6 months later) that she did come down to his room to talk after work 1 or 2 times a week, and that they would leave each other voicemails on their work phones for each other a few times a week.  These were things that he previously said they didn't do.  He said she would leave him voicemails, but that he didn't.  He swears they were always just complaining about work.  That he was so negative at the time and she just fed into it with him.  Now I feel like it all came back after admitting that he lied about details.  They seem like such insignificant things to lie about, so how can I believe that he would tell me something serious?  I am at a loss.  And they still work together.  He says he has had no contact with her since he sent that email, that she has not even tried to contact him.  He did say something to his boss about it over the summer in case she tried talking to him at some point, and supposedly his boss said something to her, so maybe that helped bring it into reality for her and that's why she hasn't tried contacting him, but I just don't know what to believe.  My husband is not a serial cheater.  Everyone who found out about what has been going on can't believe that this happened.  One therapist said it sounded like he had a mid life crisis.  He swears he didn't have any feelings for her, that he didn't even find her attractive,  but I just don't know how he did/said the things he did, but didn't feel anything.  I admit I never saw anything really emotional.  It seems like immature flirting, but it doesn't make it any easier... especially when I keep finding out little details 6 months later.  How do you trust again?  How can I believe anything that he says.  He has been a model husband/father now, but....I just don't know.  Would appreciate some helpful words! 
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Stashh
MishDS.
My background is BS (husband) with wife who had 2.5 year affair - co-worker, "just good friends", flirting/emotional then sexual affair and we are now 13 months post Dday, still together but some days still very tough.
Feel for you and understand your confusion, chaos and uncertainty. Any breach of trust is destructive and takes time and support to heal. One difficulty maybe that assuming all was indeed as explained to you, your husband may well be feeling foolish but does not fully understand and comprehend the impact on you and the fear that has arisen in you. Sometimes even when dealing with physical/sexual affairs, the WS does not appreciate the impact on the BS so maybe that is even more so when a spouse convinces themselves that they did not really "cross the line" because the relationship never had a physical/sexual element.
There are many resources that are in print/online that help put in words what your concerns are after discovering what was, if truly as you have uncovered, an inappropriate emotional affair and why it is so important that you be given the security and assurance(s) that you need to re-build trust. Maybe you could find time to read some, show them to your husband and ask him to then find time, jointly with you, to read/discuss the one(s) you feel most appropriately address the concerns you have.
He needs to understand that even if nothing physical/sexual took place that there has arisen, as a result of his actions, a breach of trust and uncertainty about your relationship and there is now a need for him to address the very significant impact on you.
Hope is of help. Good luck
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TimT
MishaDS wrote:
...I just don't know what to believe. My husband is not a serial cheater.  Everyone who found out about what has been going on can't believe that this happened.  One therapist said it sounded like he had a mid life crisis. He swears he didn't have any feelings for her, that he didn't even find her attractive, but I just don't know how he did/said the things he did, but didn't feel anything. I admit I never saw anything really emotional. It seems like immature flirting, but it doesn't make it any easier... especially when I keep finding out little details 6 months later. How do you trust again? How can I believe anything that he says. He has been a model husband/father now, but....I just don't know. Would appreciate some helpful words! 

I have observed MANY affairs in which the attraction the affair had almost nothing to do with the attractive characteristics (personality or physical traits) of the affair partner. They had more to do with the emotional need that was met in the unfaithful partner... the way he/she say him/herself through the eyes of the affair partner. For men, this longing often becomes especially acute during mid-life with questions like: Is this it? Have I got anything left to offer? Do I matter?

Since your husband does not have a pattern of infidelity, you can reasonably expect to return to a stable trust IF he figures out answers to those questions, or pursues answers in healthier ways. The affair is the anomaly; it doesn't need to define him or your marriage.
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