I feel like all BS's have a few stumbling blocks, mental walls we all have to fight and get through.  

I saw this today on a blog - 


Fantasy 1: The betrayed spouse is sacrificing everything just to be with their affair partner.

Reality: They are not really sacrificing anything because they believe they will never be caught. They are not thinking about their spouses or their family, but only about their selfish pleasure they are receiving from the affair. Only after they are caught, when the guilt and shame set in, do they fully realize the implications of their actions.

The one above was one for me.  I think this was a concept I had to accept that it was the slow slide that he could lie to himself and me that it wouldn't hurt us.

I think the BS also has to get to the other side of the perfection of the OW/OM.  When she became human because I was forced to see her from 10 feet away it took some of the mystique out of the affair.  I had built her up in my mind as this person I needed yet couldn't compete with.  Honestly he never intended to leave me for her so I didn't need to compete.  I'm trying to find who I was 5-10 years ago though....Pieces of me that I've let go of because life got too busy and I liked the positive feedback from being "too busy".

Anyone want to share the mental walls/hurdles you have fought through your journey?

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I've probably had several hurdles. The biggest being getting past the fact that the affair was not my fault. My catholic guilt kicked in big time and I felt that what had happened was my fault, that I was somehow deficient and because it was my fault I needed to do all the work to "fix" everything. I look back now and see how much of myself I lost and how exhausting it was. In the long run all it really did was force me to mask my pain and let my WH go about life like nothing happened. As much as I'd like to believe that it will never happen again I have my doubts but I know now that if it were to happen again that any issues we have as a couple are no reason for an affair, they are just excuses to justify bad behavior.

I still struggle with the fact that I never confronted the OW. She was someone who was also my friend and at the time I was uncomfortable with a lot of her behavior towards my WH but I never questioned her as to why she thought it was ok to do and say some of the things she did. I struggle with getting past the feeling that she was never truly held accountable for her actions and then went on to live her life as if she did no wrong. I think it bothers me so much because I don't like to think of myself as jealous or vindictive.

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Not confronting my wife's AP was/is an enormous hurdle for me as well. It has gotten easier, but I wrestled with it heavily for a long long time. He was out of state when my wife came clean (I think she timed it that way on purpose, because she knew what I would do). If he had been anywhere that I could have gotten to him, I know I certainly would have in the first month or so. Now I see that I would have regretted it, (although it would have been very enjoyable at the time). Police, courts, lawyer bills, medical bills, I would have been forced to pay for wouldn't have been worth it. Sometimes, I think it would though! The main reason I didn't was my kids. I envisioned them in my mind asking my wife "Why did Daddy do that to that man?" "Why is Daddy in jail?". He isn't worth hurting my kids. I just know in my mind that his day is coming. Karma is coming for him, and just wish I would get to see it..... what goes around comes around, you reap what you sow, etc etc etc.
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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My still & current stumbling block is not telling the spouse of the OW.  On my happy days I know this is the right decision as my reason for telling is not for him if I'm in an honest place.  It's to cause her pain.  My BFF validates this by saying likely to some degree he knows if this is the 5th affair that we know about or they have an open marriage??  who knows.  I worry about the consequences of him knowing as in showing up on our door step to confront my husband.  

I think the timing of dday for me was a bit ordained in some ways.  I could deal with it at the time I pushed and found out.  My husband had been starting to distance himself from her so dday didn't push them closer.  My kids were still in school for 1.5 mths so my house during the day was my safe haven to grieve.  I was in line at Starbucks today and my brain suddenly went to the regret of not telling him.  Granted I've been struggling today but why that thought and why then?  

Sometimes I get the picture of the old "my brain on drugs" egg commercials from the 1980's...I feel like my brain scrambled after dday and I'm still sorting out shells, whites, yokes, and the burner is on high some days.
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