Isitworthit
My H was with the OW for 4 months. He claims that it was only an EA and nothing physical ever happened. I just can't believe him. He was the one who pursued her. He called her and asked her to go out to lunch. I know of 7 lunch meetings. One of which was at a hotel in another city 2 hours away. How can I possibly believe that they drive 2 hours to have lunch at a hotel just because it's a nice restaurant. There are hundreds of amazing restaurants in that city, much better than a hotel.

He can't answer where he was many days or why there are charges on our credit card for other things. Like a $25 charge a jack in the box in another city 2 hours away. One person doesn't spend that on a meal but he swears he was never there. He wasn't home, he didn't get home until 11pm that night. There are tons of web searches for train trips and hotels in Las Vegas. He claims he never went to any of those places but was helping her find a room. I think it's important to note that I out of town for 10 days. Most of which i couldn't reach him.

Everytime I ask him about things he "can't remember". I told him I need to know. Just please tell me the truth.

I've looked at the phone records and there are thousands of text messages over a hundred pictures messages and 547 hrs of phone conversations including 2am calls. He says they were only small talk but really, what do you talk about at 2am while your wife is in your bed sleeping?!?! He admits to taking to her right in front of me and telling me it was someone else.

I think I'm going to go crazy! It doesn't stop in my head ever. My D-day was the day before my birthday in February. He talked to her on Christmas, Valentine's day, etc. He kept talking to her after I found out.

I actually really love my H. I thought he was different. He would talk about how awful it was when he heard about some one cheating. Even his own brother. He went on for weeks about how horrible it was. How could he do this and be this person??

I ask him if he loved me. He says he did and still does that he never wanted to leave me but he had convinced himself that i didn't love him. Then sometimes he says he did want to leave. How could you do this to someone you love?

I really wanted to try to work it out at first. After 3 months I decided I couldn't do it and I was going to leave. Then on Father's day we got a huge surprise. I found out I am pregnant. We have tried to have a baby for 11 years and couldn't! Why now?

He seems to be trying. He leaves his phone when he goes out of my sight most of the time. It seems like he's trying but everytime we talk about the incident, it feels like lie after lie. The story changes. I just feel like I can't get over this.

He deleted everything of course during the affair. Texts, voicemails, phone calls. He did send his phone off for data recovery, because I told him I need to read those messages if I'm ever going to believe him again. Do I read the messages if they come back? The counselor told me not to but I just feel so conflicted.

I'm sorry to ramble but i just can't make this awful pain stop. I feel so lost. I don't know what to do next. Any advice or help or anything...
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Keepabuzz
I'm SO sorry you are in the mess like the rest of us. I'm sure being pregnant has added a huge complication to your decision making process. Not that being pregnant is a bad thing. The pain is indescribable. Your Husband leaving his phone available to you is a good sign. Do you now have access to all email and social media accounts? He needs to be 100% transparent. No exceptions.

In regards to the text messages, I would not suggest that you read them. I asked many questions on D-day in regards to intimate details of actual acts my wife did with her AP. Holy S***, I wish she had not answered those questions. Those answers are now terrible videos that play in my mind often, and for a long time, constantly. If I were you I would have a VERY trusted friend read them and then tell you the filtered, non hurtful information. You don't want the chance of adding more pain than you already have.

Welcome to this forum. I hope it's helps you as much or more than it has helped me!
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Negarcia
He was the one who pursued her. He called her and asked her to go out to lunch.

I've looked Do I read the messages if they come back? The counselor told me not to but I just feel so conflicted.

Isitworthit

Welcome to the forum. I am very sorry you are experiencing so much pain.

My husband was also the one who pursued his AP. He lied so many times and told me they were just friends until I called the AP myself and she told me they were more than just friends and they were actually in a relationship. Of course he still tried lying to me about her while she was telling me her story, she was not a nice person, she was actually pretty mean and made some stuff up but considering she was okay being with my husband who is married with kids, I feel she has issues and my husbabd has issues with his lies. His 3rd affair lasted almost a year this includes emotional and physical.

After knowing how bad it hurts to know the details I know. I don't want to know anymore. I feel like I would use it against him in fights or when I have triggers and I am already living with a lot of thoughts, I don't want to add more.

I am too also pregnant with my 4th child, and my husband and his AP both told me I did it on purpose to try and keep him but that is further from the truth. He and I'll were still intimate (but was on birth control and got a sinus infection and needed antibiotics that cancelled out the potrncy of the pill ) because I was stupid and thought he had cut ties with his AP but he didn't and was all lies. I found believe that God wanted me to have a 4th for a reason ( After my 3rd in was supposed to get my tubes tied but the doctor on duty didn't want to do it and put in my chart I declined because my son needed to go to the NICU, but I had a c-section, do he had every opportunity to do it) but I think this is just another step in the journey God has for me. It's soo hard because I don't know what my husband wants. One day he's okay and the next he's so distant. I know he still has contact with his AP but he swears he hasn't seen her for now 2 months but I don't believe it. He gets upset when I ask him questions because I don't believe him.
Sorry for the rant but I think finding out the details will make the situation worse for you. I wish you the best of luck in this journey.
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ConfusedInLimbo
If you want to fix your marriage I do not think you should find out things like what they texted how they had sex. No. Just last week I heard one of the most earth shaking confessions of how they had an abortion and a supposed miscarriage. I wish I didn't know now. That on its own makes me feel like he took what was mine and shared it with someone else and even accompanied ow to have the baby removed. I cannot get over it. But that's just me.

Seeing texts, pet names they called each other, dreams they had together. I don't think Id be able to deal. Sometimes really what we don't know doesn't hurt. I have to say though knowing how far the affair went and details like what I was told made me feel like I knew more. I have a few more pieces of the puzzle. If the texts are that to you , pieces of the puzzle then you do It.
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Fionarob
Isitworthit

I am sorry that you find yourself in this situation, the pain is indescribable and all of us betrayed spouses understand your pain. 

This should also be the happiest time of your life - managing to conceive after so many years, you should be ecstatic.  And yet I can imagine your pregnancy is being overshadowed by the pain of your husbands infidelity.

Firstly I want to say I believe it is vital for a betrayed spouse to get all the facts about the affair in order to begin to move forward.  All the time my husband kept lying to me or withholding facts I felt stuck, unable to move on from the pain.  But I think it is facts you need......intimate details of the affair will not help you.  However, it is hard to get those facts if your husband just keeps saying he can't remember.  For what it's worth I don't believe this was only an emotional affair, from the way you describe it.  Of course I don't know for sure, but I can imagine how difficult it is for you to believe this never became physical.  He is probably terrified that if you find out the affair was also physical then you will make him leave.  It's like people think if the affair was only emotional then it's not so bad - I disagree with this.

My husband had an emotional affair years ago (for what I can gather I don't think it became physical, never really knew for sure.)  A few years later he had a physical affair.  The pain I felt when I discovered both of them was the same.  It's not so much about the sex, it's the lies, betrayal, deceit, selfishness and lack of regard for the person they are supposed to love.  The hurt I felt after discovering the emotional affair never really went away, and it also made me view my husband and our marriage in a very different way.  I became aware that here was a man I thought I knew, that I trusted 100% and never thought he could do anything to hurt me.  All that changed.  I also realised here was a man that could actually cheat on me - and then he did.  The fact that your husband might be trying to soften the blow of this by saying it wasn't physical is basically minimising the hurt that it has still caused you.  It is still just as bad, just as painful, the deceit is the same, the lies are the same, the hurt is the same.

Whether you decide to stay in your marriage or not make sure you heal from the pain of this. Don't let it get swept under the carpet because it was 'only' an emotional affair.  I never healed from my husband's emotional affair and it probably led to him to go on and have a physical affair.  I hope you get the answers you need to move on.  It's difficult - how do you make someone who has been lying and cheating start telling the truth?  I never found the answer to that!  My husband and I are now separated, and he still lies to me.  It's like it has become normal for him.



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Isitworthit
Keepabuzz wrote:
. Do you now have access to all email and social media accounts? He needs to be 100% transparent. No exceptions.


He says I have access to everything. I think I do, but I'm not sure because I really feel like I don't know what else is hidden. He's agreed to delete good social media account if I want but I told him no. I don't think it's practical in today's world.

I asked him to close his bank account. It was a separate account to our joint account that he used to take her places. There was over a thousand dollars spent that I can see just out of that account and several more charges on our personal account. He still hasn't closed that account although there is no money in it now and I can access it online.

One thing I do know he is doing that I'm proud of is he's stopped drinking. He met her at the bar with his best friend. I told him if he ever takes another drink or steps foot into another bar i'm gone no questions asked.


Fionarob, I feel in my heart it was physical. I have learned that I should trust myself and not his words. I think if I find out the affair was physical at this point, I will ask him to leave. He's had months to tell the truth and it he can't i don't want to continue. I've begged him for the truth and told him I wouldn't leave but need the truth to move forward. I think that if he can't tell me the truth which i deserve I can't/ don't want to live like this.

He says that this baby is a great thing out of something terrible and that it's our new future. But I didn't ask for a new future. I really want to be happy about this baby but I can't get past the why now question. I wanted this together for so many years but now, I don't want to share this with him anymore. I loved my husband, now i hate him. I can't tell him I love him, I can't wear my rings, which mean absolutely nothing to me, I can't stop thinking of them together. A big part of me wants him to take his ring off too. It means nothing but a reminder of a broken commitment. My heart knows if he wants to take it off he will and slip it in his pocket workout a second thought. I don't want to look at him but I don't want him out of my sight. I hate the phone and get that sick feeling in my stomach everytime he touches it.

He told me he feels ashamed of what he's done and he didn't mean to hurt me. He says he wanted to feel wanted that I wasn't doing that for him. He tells me he loves me all the time. sometimes even when he thinks I'm sleeping I'll hear him whisper it. He's cried and made comments about my life being better if he were dead. I really don't know how to respond to these things. Is he crying and saying these things because he's actually remorseful or is it a show? He really is a great showman and liar. Because an hour later he's perky and happy and making jokes. When I talk or try to talk about it I feel like he's tired of hearing it already. Then other times he's willing to listen.
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Keepabuzz
You're in a very difficult position, like you I had children. If it weren't for them, I would have thrown her out as soon as she told me what she had done. I had to think of them, could I look them in the eye and say I did all I could? I had to at least try. Now, I'm glad I did, but it's been a long road!

Like you she wears her rings like that means a dang thing to me. I do not wear one. My wife has done all "the right things" since she came clean. Still I don't know if,I know the whole truth of everything, I think I do, but I don't know. I don't think you ever can feel like you know, because of all the lies, and deceit.

I'm a FIRM believer in trusting your gut. I trusted mine my whole life, it never let me down. Except when my wife was having her affair, my gut SCREAMED, something was wrong, I just didn't know what. I beleived all her lies, and just thought she was trying to figure herself out. I will NEVER doubt my gut again. Words are worthless, but actions are not. Consistent positive actions and time, that's what it takes.
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Angrywife
I would trust my gut as well; make him understand the importance of getting it all out there. Trickle truth only hurts more in he end. My WH said the same story; only for me to find out much later (3 years) that is was physical. I feel like I had 3 years of my life taken from me; although at least I realized that my gut feeling was right and I wasn't crazy.
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Keepabuzz
That is one positive from all this, I know now that I wasn't crazy! My gut was right!
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Angrywife
That's right. It was a relief and a nightmare at the same time. I often wonder how my WH allowed me to sit there in that tortiure. He knew I was bc I questioned him frequently.
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Dirazz
I questioned my husband for a week straight after I saw the texting between them on the phone bill. He swore up and down that they were just friends. Then he admitted that yes they flirted a lot and she was always so excited to see him when he got to work and would literally run to him as he came off the elevator. Hello red flags dumb husband. But said that's all it was. My gut would not let it go until I tricked them both into unknowingly telling me the truth. I have zero regrets for that either. He was keeping me in pain and was not about to admit to a physical affair. But you don't text a girl 16 years younger than you at 4 in the morning and are "just friends". He must have thought I was a dumb ass. And about the wedding rings, I still wear mine because I kept my commitment to him. I made him take his off because it meant nothing and he touched her with it on! It had to go! I took a hammer to it and smashed it flat as a pancake. I found it in the counter and he said did you notice the circle never broke? And sure enough he was right the circle was still intact. #lovewins
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Keepabuzz
"When" I get to the point to renew our vows (as my wife says), remarry is what I would call it, her rings will be melted down, sold, something and we will get new ones. The old ones not only "no value" to me, but negative value, just a reminder of what is lost. I assure you the money that comes from the liquidation of her rings, is going to buy me, and ONLY me something REALLY NICE!!!
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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DestroyedDani
Keepabuzz wrote:
"When" I get to the point to renew our vows (as my wife says), remarry is what I would call it, her rings will be melted down, sold, something and we will get new ones. The old ones not only "no value" to me, but negative value, just a reminder of what is lost. I assure you the money that comes from the liquidation of her rings, is going to buy me, and ONLY me something REALLY NICE!!!


My husband and I went on a little weekend get away this past weekend. I know he wanted us to renew our vows but I warned him weeks ago that I am not ready for that. I don't fully trust or believe in us yet. The weekend was good but I kept and I keep waiting for that moment. That moment and feeling that I know everything is going to be ok. I don't want or need perfect, I never expected that, but he did. I would totally settle for ok and 8 months out I don't feel ok.

I want to redo, not renew (because the first ones didn't mean much to him) just not right yet.

Again, sorry for the rant.
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Keepabuzz
I'm with you DestroyedDani. Redo, not renew. That marriage is dead to me. Take the time you need to know you are making the right decision. My wife has said that she will never bring up the topic again, and she hasn't. She says she will wait until I say I'm ready.
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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