they can maybe for the first time in their life
begin to look honestly at themselves and risk considering whether they can BE a man/woman who loves better than they have before.
Some people balk at this. In their opinion, it's enough to just admit the failure and get back to where they were before. And, to be honest, marriages survive through that strategy. But they don't change
. Affairs alter the relationship so significantly that things can never be the same afterwards. If no real shifts happen, then you may keep a marriage intact, but you will likely always struggle with a lack of intimacy and trust.
^^ hear hear!
If faced with the answer, "I don't know," would the next question be, "how can you say you'll never do it again if you don't know why you did it in the first place?"
Sorry, I'm about to ramble here, but it's a collections of my thoughts here from my experiences in the last year...
In my case, it wasn't the fear of losing everything or anything like that, it was finally realizing that I became all the things in life that I abhor. Like a liar, cheater, passive aggressive person. I couldn't reconcile that and finally began to understand that the failings I had in life (that I subsequently blamed on everyone else) where through my own fault.
Knowing who I wanted to be, and why, was what brought me from this situation. I simply didn't want to be a liar and a cheat. I guess that's why I tried so hard to make my AP into my wife - so in some stupid way I could say that this situation was okay. The only wrench to that is that my AP didn't want to be that person.
TimT, I think that this also goes by a case where you are just treading water... Trying to stay afloat in all of this. What do you think?
In my case I didn't want help from my spouse to realize that what I was doing was not in my character or what I wanted. Why? Then it would be her in the right. I know that sounds stupid today, but don't forget that we had got to the place in our marriage where at least one of us was keeping score. To admit that I messed up largely would have been a major loss of dace and ego, even if my wife was right.
Ironically, I wasn't (and can't say) that I was really happy last year at this time. I was miserable. My AP started putting on the pressure, and this is where things started falling apart for me. The only thing I had going for that relationship was an infrequent supply of sex.
If I were to be completely honest, if I could have just waved a wand and had it all disappear, and be back with my wife, I would have jumped at the chance. But, I don't know if I would have TH ought it possible because again, keeping score. She would have been right, and on something so big that I felt I would never, never live it down.
In fact, last year at this time you would have found me swearing up and down that I would never ever return because in my mind I didn't think it wouldve been possible. I didn't think I would be able to admit I was wrong and grovel my way back..
I guess why before.. when I saw some BS here talking about how the WS should beg and plead for the privilege of being allowed a chance at all - I could see the flaw in that, because in my case that would have been the world's worst case scenario... And one that I would have never took.
What needs to happen is your WS just needs to stop lying. Period. Not even to you, to themselves. Yes, I think we men are capable of compartmentalizing, but nothing can escape logic. Sometimes I wish I could have gone back and slapped myself silly. Problem is, would I have listened to myself?