Saoirse
I see it referenced but can't find a definitive source. TIA
BS
D-Day 10-26-19
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anthro

The important thing to remember about the 180 is that it has to be authentic.

It is where you decide to focus on yourself, independently of your cheating spouse, accepting that they've made a choice to mistreat you and be separate from you, and therefore your decisions are all made with reference to your wellbeing and your own values. What your WS ("wayward spouse" ie cheater) may want or need or desire from you is no longer a factor in your decision-making, no longer something you spend any time or energy on. 

In other words it is all about self-care and the new reality, a 180 degree turn from how many people (completely understandably) first react to cheating, which is to try to win their cheating spouse back, sympathise with their cheating spouse's terrible struggle, etc. 

What people say is that once you do the 180, the cheating spouse often realises what they are losing and starts working on fixing the marriage. That may be true but it is not really the 180 if you do it with this as a goal. 

Formerly known as Anthropoidape... male bs, long affair, d-day Feb 2017.
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TimT
The original 180 strategy is explained here:  https://www.affairhealing.com/podcast407.html
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CallMeJay
So, should all actions that would be characteristic of a marriage cease? Very specific example here:

If your WS calls you on a long drive because they're sleepy and have "no one else to talk to and stay awake", should we, the BS, just have the attitude of, "Tough."/"That's your problem."? Is expressing any concern for their safety with maybe a daily check-in while out of town a "no-no"?

I think I know the answers to those, but I'd appreciate the input.
Betrayed Husband
D-Day: May 7th 2019

Praying for wisdom daily to do what God has called me to do, not be a doormat.
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triplehooks
CMJ, the short answer is “yes”. 
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Saoirse
anthro wrote:

The important thing to remember about the 180 is that it has to be authentic.

It is where you decide to focus on yourself, independently of your cheating spouse, accepting that they've made a choice to mistreat you and be separate from you, and therefore your decisions are all made with reference to your wellbeing and your own values. What your WS ("wayward spouse" ie cheater) may want or need or desire from you is no longer a factor in your decision-making, no longer something you spend any time or energy on. 

In other words it is all about self-care and the new reality, a 180 degree turn from how many people (completely understandably) first react to cheating, which is to try to win their cheating spouse back, sympathise with their cheating spouse's terrible struggle, etc. 

What people say is that once you do the 180, the cheating spouse often realises what they are losing and starts working on fixing the marriage. That may be true but it is not really the 180 if you do it with this as a goal. 



Thank you. That was perfect and is exactly where I find myself now.
BS
D-Day 10-26-19
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Saoirse
CallMeJay wrote:
So, should all actions that would be characteristic of a marriage cease? Very specific example here:

If your WS calls you on a long drive because they're sleepy and have "no one else to talk to and stay awake", should we, the BS, just have the attitude of, "Tough."/"That's your problem."? Is expressing any concern for their safety with maybe a daily check-in while out of town a "no-no"?

I think I know the answers to those, but I'd appreciate the input.


That's a good/hard question. I mean, why don't they have anyone else? And is that really your problem?
BS
D-Day 10-26-19
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anthro
CallMeJay wrote:
So, should all actions that would be characteristic of a marriage cease? Very specific example here:

If your WS calls you on a long drive because they're sleepy and have "no one else to talk to and stay awake", should we, the BS, just have the attitude of, "Tough."/"That's your problem."? Is expressing any concern for their safety with maybe a daily check-in while out of town a "no-no"?

I think I know the answers to those, but I'd appreciate the input.


I agree with others - the answer is yes.

I would add this - she is probably just yanking your string anyway, as opposed to really needing support. Manipulative types generally like to confirm just how many people they have on a string and so they give all the strings a tug every so often. If they don't get the right reaction, they usually escalate things until they do. 
Formerly known as Anthropoidape... male bs, long affair, d-day Feb 2017.
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CallMeJay
Saoirse wrote:


That's a good/hard question. I mean, why don't they have anyone else? And is that really your problem?


Well, that could imply that she is calling me instead of reaching out to the AP. I know that's mostly wishful thinking, though. If she's serious, she'll step up to the plate and make the necessary changes to do more than just "imply" anything. Her actions should be unquestionable. 

anthro wrote:


I agree with others - the answer is yes.

I would add this - she is probably just yanking your string anyway, as opposed to really needing support. Manipulative types generally like to confirm just how many people they have on a string and so they give all the strings a tug every so often. If they don't get the right reaction, they usually escalate things until they do. 


That's very possible. I'm struggling through it, but I am sticking to this 180. I printed out and keep it on me to read through when I'm feeling "soft" for her. I'm going home today with a contract to list our house for sale. If things continue to go the way they have, I need out anyway, but this may be one of those things that hit her with a strong dose of the reality/consequences she's set off. 
Betrayed Husband
D-Day: May 7th 2019

Praying for wisdom daily to do what God has called me to do, not be a doormat.
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Phoenix
I have asked my husband if he is doing this to me and he always answer by saying he has no idea what I am talking about but he does everything only for his benefit now with no regard to my feelings or safety. Ex: To park in our carport I have to go through the alley, we live in a very bad neighborhood, I usually come home after dark, he used to come out and open the gate for me he stopped doing that over a year ago. 
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Vanessa
Call me Jay -
My opinion is that I was fired from the job of "chatting" weather it is a daily check-in or helping him to stay awake - I was fired when he chose to sleep with someone else.  Remember all those loving spousal things you have done are no longer appropriate - this person has treated you with the utmost disrespect - Would you be willing to chat with a mugger who stole your wallet or car, because he was sleepy?  Me neither.  This is not to say that the WS deserves to be dismissed forever, but until ALL contact with AP is OVER, you should treat this person as the abuser they are at this time.
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anthro
Vanessa wrote:
until ALL contact with AP is OVER, you should treat this person as the abuser they are at this time.


This.
Formerly known as Anthropoidape... male bs, long affair, d-day Feb 2017.
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Saoirse
Vanessa wrote:
Call me Jay -
My opinion is that I was fired from the job of "chatting" weather it is a daily check-in or helping him to stay awake - I was fired when he chose to sleep with someone else.  Remember all those loving spousal things you have done are no longer appropriate - this person has treated you with the utmost disrespect - Would you be willing to chat with a mugger who stole your wallet or car, because he was sleepy?  Me neither.  This is not to say that the WS deserves to be dismissed forever, but until ALL contact with AP is OVER, you should treat this person as the abuser they are at this time.


That was utterly brilliant. Thank you so much.
BS
D-Day 10-26-19
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ABurris105
I TOTALLY agree with what Vanessa wrote:

This is not to say that the WS deserves to be dismissed forever, but until ALL contact with AP is OVER, you should treat this person as the abuser they are at this time.”

I tried to make it clear to my WH that I was willing to work toward reconciliation, but not until ALL contact with his AP ceased.  It took him a few months to get out of the fog and realize it.  It was the hardest thing I have ever done, but I am glad I was patient.  We are a little over two years from Dday and are doing very well.  He was willing to come back and do the work and he thanks me often for my patience and loving him well.  Not everyone is in that place or will get to that place, unfortunately and it really does take two to make it work.  So, until you know whether or not your spouse is willing to do that...keep working on you...it is absolutely the best thing you can do.  
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Keepabuzz
CallMeJay wrote:
So, should all actions that would be characteristic of a marriage cease? Very specific example here:

If your WS calls you on a long drive because they're sleepy and have "no one else to talk to and stay awake", should we, the BS, just have the attitude of, "Tough."/"That's your problem."? Is expressing any concern for their safety with maybe a daily check-in while out of town a "no-no"?

I think I know the answers to those, but I'd appreciate the input.


The answer to daily check ins is yes, thats a big fat no no. As far as them calling you with no one else to talk stay awake situation. You shouldn’t have to make the decision, because you shouldn’t have answered the phone call.....
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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